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Old 08-05-2018, 04:48 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NY
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Default Vicki's Journey Continues...

On the advice of others who suggested I drop the large unwieldy thread and start again, here I am. I'll repost the summaries here, and then my current thoughts.

Part One

I kinda feel like I'm reducing my life to a can of Campbell's condensed soup. But hey, I like Campbell's soup

So... I met my first husband when I was 18 years old, and we got married in 2005. Traditional, monogamous marriage. We had no idea that we could agree to be nonmonogamous, as bizarre as that sounds. A few years in, he told me that he knew I would never be happy being only with him because our sexual needs were different, and that he planned to look the other way because he loved me. (Side note- I never, ever cheated on him). He travelled approximately 6 months a year, and it was hard to be apart so much.

It took us to 2012 to realize that we could actually agree to open the marriage and that was okay. Amazing how these institutions gave us tunnel vision! We officially opened then, although he chose to remain monogamous. We considered ourselves a hotwife couple, if anyone's familiar with the term. It was a huge boost to our marriage. We both felt like honeymooners again- loads of sex, what we called ORE (old relationship energy), love and passion.

Of course, despite all the agreements we made, we continued making mistakes. We failed to realize that you can't legislate feelings. I fell in love with one of my sex partners, and he told me that he loved me, too. That was a disaster. Not only was my husband unhappy with the idea that I loved someone else, but neither of us had really done any research into how poly relationships work. I was unprepared for the intensity of my feelings for the new partner, P, and I had no idea what I was entitled to ask for in the relationship we had. While my husband and I did eventually agree that I could keep seeing P, it took its toll because P kept stringing me along and I eventually found out that he was lying to me about being in an open marriage and that he refused to tell his other partners about me. I only got occasional snippets of his time, and as the "extra", my husband told me that he didn't think I should be asking for anything more anyway. It took me a long time to get over that "relationship" and realize that wasn't what I wanted, and I eventually ended it.

Over this time period I had started learning more about kink and BDSM, and realized that I wanted to explore it further. My husband supported my explorations and even came out to a couple of munches with me despite identifying himself as vanilla. I started to look for partners to explore D/s with. I had a few relationships over the years and learned more about myself and what I want from life, and how to have a healthy poly relationship.

My husband started travelling even more, and we started to drift. He met another woman when he was in a foreign country and fell for her. I didn't hear anything about the situation until late 2014 when he announced he was leaving. That was really hard on kiddo who rarely gets to see him anymore because of the distance.

I was lucky enough to have two wonderful partners I was seeing at the time, and both of them were so supportive. I don't know how I would have managed without them. During this time, my health suffered to the point that I am no longer able to work, and I found myself diagnosed with several mental health conditions as well.
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.

Last edited by Vicki82; 08-05-2018 at 04:50 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-05-2018, 04:49 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Location: NY
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Part Two:

So Mark left the picture, although the divorce became very ugly and did a lot of damage both to me and kiddo. Mark admitted to doing it on purpose, which is a wonderful thing when you've spent nearly 14 years of your life with someone.

Henry and I grew closer. He was there for me and supported me through my life collapsing. Six months later, he lost his apartment and brought up us moving in together since our current long distance arrangement was feeling strained and untenable. We realized that we were either going to have to take this step or we would wind up breaking up, so we decided to go for it, with much trepidation.

Despite us being seemingly incompatible in many ways, Henry and I learned that we are good life partners together. We both have our foibles and issues, but we're willing to work on them together. He and kiddo get along so well, and as time passes kiddo starts to call him Dad since Mark is almost entirely out of the picture.

In the meantime, my relationship with my female partner starts to evolve into more of an intimate friendship. I am sad about the transition but happy that we are still a part of each other's lives.

Henry and I write a list of our agreements with respect to BDSM, sex, and polyamory. Obviously these are subject to further negotiation when other people are involved, but it's good that we have discussed and clarified our own boundaries with each other.

We mostly find ourselves exploring polysexuality rather than polyamory. Due to health and parenting and just trying to keep our heads above water, we find it's easier and we both still enjoy it. Sometimes on our own, sometimes together.

Three years later, I finally get divorced. I somehow find myself asking Henry to marry me, and he says yes. It was amazing how much pushback we received from poly and nonmonogamous friends about it. We met as open/poly, and had continued that way for our entire relationship. However, we wanted to build a life together and to entwine our lives, and this is how we chose to do it. We do not practice solo polyamory, and I've gotten into many "discussions" about it online. Our friends ask us if we're planning on going monogamous :P

We have a 24/7 D/s relationship that waxes and wanes depending how our health is going since we both have chronic illnesses. We have an amazing sex life, when we both have the energy for it.

We've been functionally mono for the past year or so since life has been so busy with the getting married and whatnot. Now that things have settled down a bit, I find myself thinking a bit more about making new connections. Not really sure where that is going.
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.

Last edited by Vicki82; 08-05-2018 at 04:53 PM.
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  #3  
Old 08-05-2018, 04:54 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 387
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Due to wedding planning and such, we've both been relatively monogamous for the past year or so. We've had the occasional hookup, but very rarely. I've noticed that I miss having other intimate connections in my life. I talked to him about it, and let him know that I'm missing both the occasional casual sex, and also just generally more connections. He is very supportive of me pursuing something, whether that turns into a shared casual sex partner for the two of us or if I find a deeper connection for myself.

The issue is that I'm having is that I'm feeling ways about all this. While we have been open our entire time together, the only poly relationships I've had were preexisting. And I haven't really had to deal with him having a romantic relationship at all- the closest thing he had which was much more of a best friend with benefits imploded because the close friend decided to be a cowboy and freak about us getting married, and now is not in our lives.

So I have all the monogamy programming ringing in my head, like it would be different if I had MET someone, but because I'm actively wanting to look but with nothing specific in mind does that mean there's something wrong with us? Is this going to damage my connection with my husband? How will this change our marriage? How would I feel if this was happening the other way around? Well- I think I would be hurt a little in the identical reverse situation or at least feel out of sorts even though I would be supportive.

I don't know. I'm not really sure how to deal with these feelings. There is no other "someone" yet, although I am chatting with a number of people. And I want to pursue something. And while I am open to FWB I am kinda feeling like I would really like a more meaningful relationship if things work that way.

I'm not really looking for anything specific either. What does that mean, that it's not say one specific need that I feel is lacking but that I still want a new connection?

My husband is my best friend and I love him. Our relationship is very strong and I'm not worried about losing him. But I still have this mess of feelings. I even said to him today that it doesn't make sense that I'm the one who is upset over me looking for someone new :P

I'd appreciate any thoughts or comments! Thanks.
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #4  
Old 08-06-2018, 12:54 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Location: Midwest USA
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No real comments, other than that you should just keep doing what's right for you without regard for what other people might think about you getting married again. There's nothing wrong with marrying in a polymorous relationship. There's nothing wrong with just being married to Harry and having casual others or comets. Or marrying Harry now, and falling in love with someone else later and marrying them too. Or not marrying at all. Basically, it's your relationship, and what matters is that you're happy in the relationship shape you're in. You also mentioned you have mental illnesses, and as someone who struggles with bipolar II and anxiety, I really identify with imagining the five million ways something can go wrong, much less a major change like getting married. Wishing you luck!
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"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reader (my significant other)
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  #5  
Old 08-09-2018, 11:55 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 387
Default I kissed a boy and I liked it...

So, I've been doing a bunch of chatting on OKC. Some talks just felt like passing time with no real spark, and then there are others that jump out at me a little more. I'm not visually motivated the way a lot of people are- I consider myself sapiosexual. One of these days I'm going to have to try and figure out what about a profile attracts me like that, where I can feel that one might be a thing and one is less so, before I even chat with someone.

Last week I went out for dinner with Charles, and we had a good time. After dinner, we wound up sitting and chatting outside for hours. It was a really good connection. He's totally vanilla, no kink experience at all, and wants to take things slowly. He is poly, but has been purposefully single for the past year or so.

We have been texting a little, mostly just getting to know you stuff. Last night he came over and we hung out on the patio and did some hot tubbing and watched the meteors (Perseids are peaking this weekend, by the way!). It was a really good time that I didn't want to end. He didn't leave until nearly 3am, after we kissed in the moonlight. When we pulled away, my head was a big foggy from being so tired and aroused. I'm not used to just making out anymore! Given that I hang out with swingers and BDSM-ers, sex is normally just a casual thing we do. I have to admit that it was a bit of an interesting and tantalizing change not to know where the evening was going to go.

Our next date is on Tuesday, if we don't get together before then. I really like him, and I get the feeling that he might be around for a while

Part of me kind of likes the uncertainty. While I love the familiarity of being with Henry, I like the wondering and imagining of what it will be like with someone new. I like the feel and smell of someone new. I'm not sure if we will have sex on Tuesday, although I think it's likely. But I'm okay with it either way if it means we're both enjoying each other.

I have to admit that I'm surprised I'm thinking about him quite so much today. It's only been two dates and one kiss! How can this be NRE already?
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.

Last edited by Vicki82; 08-10-2018 at 12:05 AM.
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  #6  
Old 08-15-2018, 04:59 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Location: NY
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Oh, I still have tingles!

Yesterday was my third date with Charles. I tend not to practice "kitchen table poly" because it's not who I am, but I do like to make sure that everyone can at least handle being around each other. It's one of my agreements with Henry that we will meet each other's partners if they are a romantic versus sexual interest. Also, I'm rather of the opinion that having potential partners meet my husband will make them a little less concerned about him freaking out on them or something.

So, Henry made dinner for us all while he chatted with Charles about D&D (which they both like and I don't lol) while I kept Kiddo occupied. After dinner, the four of us played a board game before Kiddo went to bed and Henry left for his usual night out with friends.

Charles and I played some board games, which is awesome since I rarely have people to play with. Then we went and hung out on the couch, chatted a little and had all those fun conversations about safe sex and boundaries and what not. C'est la vie!

I honestly couldn't tell you how long it's been that I've gone on three dates with someone and haven't had sex with them. I'm much more of a first date kinda girl. He was actually a little worried that I was going to get upset. I told him no, that I don't believe anyone ever owes anyone sex. Although he knows I am certainly looking forward to it! Apparently he hasn't been STI tested in a really long time, and hasn't made an appointment yet. He's also been single and celibate (by choice) for a while, so I doubt there will be anything, but safety first right?

So... we made out like teenagers in high school on my couch instead, fully clothed. God, i'm not sure I ever did that- I had sex with them in high school too! But oh, it was still sexy. I made sure to talk dirty to him and get him all worked up

And oh... the goodbyes took a while. We finally got off the couch at midnight because he had to get up early for work the next day. We were kissing after he picked up his stuff and I joked that his glasses were going to get all smudged and he told me that's not what he was worried about. I asked him what he was worried about, and he told me "Getting lost in the moment". Sigh.

When we finally made our way to the front door, we kissed and I let out a small sound of desire, and he told me he was going to hear that in his dreams. Mmm... I love the words!

Yup, I'm just a wee bit distracted today!
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #7  
Old 08-23-2018, 07:54 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NY
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Sometimes it's really hard to unpack our baggage. Despite the years that have passed, sometimes it's hard to remember that Henry isn't my ex. Or at least, my visceral reactions are still on guard and think that they need that level of protectionism with him when things go wrong.

I have a lot of mixed up feelings right now and I'm trying to deal with them. It hasn't been easy.

I consider myself to be a good communicator- a very good one, even. I am comfortable talking about my wants and needs, and even usually my issues like my mental health. Recently, I made a mistake which I find profoundly embarrassing that there was this level of misunderstanding between me and Charles.

When I realized it was happening, cue instant silent panic attack because I realized I was going to have to fess up to Henry that I crossed a boundary. And it got worse as I imagined what the consequences would be and how much he would probably be hurt and lose trust in me. And all this was happening while I was still on my date with Charles.

I got stuck in an intensely negative spiral in my head and wound up having to take an Ativan in front of him. While I managed to contain most of the freakout until after we figured it was time for him to go home, I totally emotionally collapsed when it was just me and Henry.

I wanted to lie about what happened. I know what my ex would have done and said to me. I was scared and guilty and so upset because I love Henry so much and I don't want to hurt him and I didn't mean for this to happen. And I was so embarrassed to admit that of all the things I could do wrong, it would be something like this.

I didn't lie. I told him the complete truth with no omissions as soon as we were alone together. I was afraid of the potential consequences, but I couldn't do otherwise.

And he forgave me. He told me he felt ways about it, which is perfectly reasonable, but he understood that mistakes happen, was not going to pile shit on me since he could see I was doing that well enough for myself. And instead of setting harsher limits or consequences, he said he wanted to focus on how we could make sure this doesn't happen again.

I still can't shake the feeling horrible, and it's been a couple of days. I recognize this could have both cost me my relationship with Charles, because of the drama and maybe him not trusting me to keep my agreements, and seriously damaged my relationship with Henry. And that's a really scary thing.

I think everything will be okay, since the three of us have a planned get together this weekend to go over everything and get back onto the same page. While I am not a fan of kitchen table poly, I do like my partners to at least know each other and be cool hanging around each other. And in this case, since it involves all three of us, I agree that it's necessary.

But the could'ves are scaring me. This isn't a position I want to be in again. I really, really like Charles and I really, really love Henry... and I want to be a good hinge and not fuck this up.

And I hope I have learned enough from how Henry has treated me this time to be the same for him when he inevitably fucks up, because he's right, it's part of life. It doesn't have to be the way it was with Mark. I don't want it to be that way. I want to put the baggage down.
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #8  
Old 08-26-2018, 10:17 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 387
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So Charles came over the other night, and the three of us sat down and discussed the communication failure and how we were going to handle that situation in the future. Part of it still blows my mind how the two of them independently said the same thing to me, that we need to focus on preventing stuff in the future, and neither got bogged down in the feelings. While that's awesome, in the moment it was hilariously frustrating because I just wasn't ready to go there yet.

It went really well, though. And it was so nice that at one point, each of them took one of my hands while we were at the table and it just was so positive. It felt good and it made me happy.

Then Charles and I went upstairs and had great sex and just enjoyed each other with no worries. It was wonderful. Lots of cuddling and kissing and touching. I'm feeling so much better and less anxious about everything!

My sex drive has literally gone insane, though. I've had sex twice with Henry since then and feeling like I could go for a third round today. I guess after nearly 18 months of having my libido mostly stagnate because we were too busy/tired/sick to have sex, it really came back! I've got to make the most of this

I've also got a doctor's appointment soon because I am starting to think I have a hormonal imbalance of some sort. I've noticed that I'm moodier than usual in a really not normal way. I have an IUD that prevents menstruation but I've started sort of randomly bleeding for brief periods, and I've noticed I'm having a harder time orgasming than usual. I'm a bit concerned and hopefully they can fix this for me. My mom didn't hit menopause until 50, so I'm hoping this isn't that so much earlier!
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #9  
Old 08-27-2018, 02:01 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 387
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Well, I don't know what the ratings are for, really, but gee, thanks :P
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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  #10  
Old 08-30-2018, 08:21 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 387
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Sometimes I get frustrated with the Facebook poly groups because it seems that it's almost taboo there to be enjoying poly relationships that are very sexual. I get that it's likely to be pushback against the societal assumption that poly is all about fucking, and putting it in the same class with swingers/open relationships. But hey, some of us do in fact like variety in sex and can still consider ourselves polyamorous.

Honestly, it feels to me like the stigma with being bi or pansexual- a lot of homosexual organizations don't like engaging with people who aren't gay because they fought so hard for gay rights that they felt it was too different to share the same umbrella. We're all focused on pursuing a version of relationshipping that works for us, however that may be. I don't see why it's more important to focus on what things are NOT as opposed to what they are.

Sex is a big part of how I connect intimately. I would not have a romantic relationship that wasn't sexual, and I don't feel wrong about saying that sex is important to me.

But I've come pretty far afield from what I wanted to share, which is pretty awesome feelings of limerance

I had been thinking a lot about Charles lately but part of me was wondering if it was NRE, because I had the thoughts but not exactly the feelings. I like him, I enjoy spending time with him, and I sure got the chills when he kissed me or touched me- but I wasn't necessary feeling emotional about him. It's hard to describe, since he was definitely on my mind a lot and I was excited to see him... so I don't know. Part of me was wondering about that, that maybe our connection wasn't good enough or something.

I've had a lot of anxiety in general since it's been years since I dated someone new- the last new person was Henry. Learning how someone new thinks, how to adjust the filter, and just how to relate to someone who you don't understand as well and who may not understand you. It's different, and there have been a few bumps.

Charles really does seem to be going out of his way to show me that he likes being with me, and that he just plain likes me. He's been a frequent communicator, he compliments me, and he's already waded through some bit of drama, plus he helped us with some house stuff the other day. I am trying to relax and trust it.

And last night when we were in bed together, I started to feel that limerance. I know that it's nothing more than that yet- I am not one of those who believes in love at first sight. I like him as a person for what I know so far, but I don't really know him yet at all, and I get that. But I am starting to feel those lovely mushy feelings and that is so good. I needed that
__________________
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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