Vicki's Journey

Vicki82

Active member
I'm pretty confused and looking for some viewpoints. To be honest, I'm not sure what specifically I need help with and I think writing it all out will help. So please feel free to comment away!

I'm 30 years old, and I've been happily married for 7 years in a monogamous relationship. My background is that I used to be an erotic writer since early in my marriage (quit when I had my son, now 2 1/2) and my characters were always having extramarital sex with the blessing of the spouse, so my husband knew that the latent desire was there for me. In January of this year, we opened our marriage to the point where he would allow me to seek other partners sexually because he knew it was something that I needed. We agreed that it was going to be purely to meet physical needs. He told me that he would remain monogamous because he is a one woman man.

Since then, I've had several new partners, and while I always like to have at least some kind of connection with them, there were no emotions involved beyond what you'd consider to be a very casual acquaintanceship. I always thought I would be emotionally monogamous, just having sex with other men. We found that our marriage got stronger as I had my needs met elsewhere. My husband and I found ourselves falling deeply in love again and we were happier than we've been in years. He told me that he thought it was so weird to say that our marriage got more better now that I fuck other men, but it's the truth!

Then, three months ago, I met a man online on a MBL dating site (married but looking, which is where I have been finding my partners since I did not want a relationship!). I was going to be travelling to his city (3 hours away) for a weekend visit with another friend and I was looking for a one night stand while I was there. So we arranged to meet for lunch and then hook up if we had chemistry. But the date was over a week away and we found ourselves video camming every night for hours. We didn't have cybersex, although we did flirt. The chemistry between us was so intense that I knew before we even met that I was going to want more than a one night stand.

We met for lunch, and it wasn't long before we left to go back to his house. He is married, but in a DADT relationship; so his wife is fine with him having other partners but she doesn't want to know about it. She was out of town for the weekend. We had incredible sex all day and night long. I had never known that things could be this good, especially with a new partner (I've always found that sex gets better as you get to know your partner). We agreed that we had to see each other again, despite the distance.

Since then, we've been seeing each other an average of every 3 weeks, always for overnights because of the distance. The sex has remained incredible, and perhaps has even gotten better. I don't have a car, so with the exception of that first weekend, he's come to see me every time. In between, we talk every single day. We usually text or email during the workday, and in the evenings we usually chat for a couple of hours unless someone has plans. The NRE has been extremely intense for me. I have strong feelings for him, but I know it's only been three months so I really don't know what those feelings are except that I want him in my life. My husband is supportive of my relationship with him now that he has his mind wrapped around it (when he first found out there was an emotional component to our relationship rather than pure sex, he had some concerns and I don't blame him, but he is fine with it now).

Obviously, neither of us was looking for anything exclusive. Given the distance, that just wouldn't be right, not to mention that we were both already seeing other people when we hooked up. Since then, for reasons unrelated to him (things with the other men weren't meeting my needs), I have ended things with my other partners. Of course, things were different with them anyway; it was far more casual and definitely no emotion involved. We just had a casual acquaintanceship and enjoyed sex.

He was and still is seeing some other women. He is involved in kink, so he does have a lot of sexual contact with women. He has a D/s relationship with one other woman that he's been seeing in January, and she's the one I have the hardest time handling. She's local to him, so they see each other about once a week. I can only wish I could see him that often. I know that they aren't together for as long as we are, since we always overnight and they are usually only together for a couple of hours, but it still bothers me. I also find myself frustrated knowing that she is giving him something that I can't, since I don't identify as a submissive. He doesn't expect that of me and we have a more than satisfying sexual relationship but I still worry despite his assurances that I'm not giving him what he needs. Then, he and I have been experimenting with a particular sexual activity, and taking it slowly. He told me a couple of weeks ago that not only did he do it all with her, but she loved it. That really hurt and made me wonder why he'd still want to do it with me since it is more difficult for me and apparently easy with her.

Then, I worry because of the distance, that he is just going to not want to go to all the hassle to see me anymore. I mean, it's not like he has a shortage of sex locally. Or maybe he'll find someone more attractive for whatever reason, or who can satisfy him sexually better. I have expressed my worries to him and he did tell me that he is not looking for any more partners. I still worry about him getting tired of the distance and deciding he's fine with his two local women and his wife.

I know he has similar worries about me at times. He knows I am actively looking for some local partners since I have none right now, but that I want to keep things mostly sex based with them. He has told me he's afraid I will find someone who will rock my world and be local and that he can't compete with that since we're LD. I try to assure him that he means more to me than just the sex (although that is freaking incredible anyway!) and that he has nothing to worry about, but it doesn't seem to help.

There's also been a bit of a change lately in the way he's reacted to me. He has known all along that I've been meeting other men, although I hadn't found one that met my standards as a friend-with-benefits yet. He asked that I keep him up to date on my search because he found it to be a turn on to hear about my sex with other men. There have been a few times where he told me that he worried about someone else being local, but it was rare. Then this time I had a lunch date with a local man that I liked, and I told my lover that I was going to have sex with him next time I saw him. My lover got a little withdrawn (even via text message) in a way that he hadn't before and told me that he was worried that I would find someone to replace him. I tried to reassure him that he was special to me but he said it was easier said than done for him to stop worrying, which is how I feel, too.

I'm just not good at relationships in general. I have been with my husband since I was 18 years old, so I'm far from experienced. I'm used to being completely open and honest with no secrets. I'm not used to the rollercoaster and general uncertainty of being with a new partner. I'm not comfortable enough in our relationship yet to ask for reassurance when I need it, because I don't want to be needy and insecure, although I am happy to give it to him when he needs it. Also, we express our emotions differently and I know that is difficult for me. My husband and I tend to be verbally demonstrative, and my new lover seems to show me more with actions that he cares. At least, I assume he does, because I can't imagine many men would drive 3+ hours one way to see a woman every few weeks and spend hours every night talking to her if they didn't actually like her. But I don't feel secure enough; what if I ask him for what I want, and it makes him uncomfortable?

And I just don't know how to deal with my feelings of jealousy and fear of being dumped. Those are very negative emotions and I don't want them in my life. I had such a wonderful weekend with him just now, and the night he left I was full of worry and insecurities. It spoiled the time we shared a little bit because I just felt so miserable.

It's just bizarre. I've never been happier or more fulfilled in my life. I have my wonderful husband who is so supportive of me, and I have my new lover who takes me places sexually that I've never been. I'm worried that I will do something to screw it up. And by worrying about it, I make it more likely that I will do so!

So I don't really know where to go from here. I never saw myself as poly, and never even imagined I had room for two men in my heart. That has never happened before; every time I became interested in someone new, I lost interest in my current partner. I am still madly in love with my husband, so that hasn't happened now. I still am not even sure I can identify myself this way because the label just feels so serious to me, if that makes any sense. I don't even know if my situation really counts or not. But I certainly don't want to leave my husband for my lover, and I don't want my lover to leave his wife for me. Oddly enough, I am not jealous of his wife; just his other girlfriends.

So where does this leave me? Thanks for any comments.
 
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Read your post. I found the answer in there and I'm pretty sure you will too.

Regarding the submissive, you need to worry less about what you can't or won't give and just focus on what you can give. It's not about better or worse. It's about different. That's why we choose this lifestyle. It's hard for one person to give us all we want. So we seek it from multiple sources. That doesn't mean we aren't in love with one or the other. Love is additive, not subtractive. You build on it. You don't split it up and share it.

Read the ethical slut. It talks about all of this and it's a good educational read.
 
I've read the Ethical Slut. It helped me feel more normal about fucking other guys in the first place. Keep in mind I am coming at this from a monogamous background and have been heavily resisting the idea that I could be something else. Extramarital sex has made sense to me, but these feelings are brand new and I don't know how to handle them.

If it was just as easy as reading my own post, I wouldn't be having all this angst. But thanks anyway.
 
I've read the Ethical Slut. It helped me feel more normal about fucking other guys in the first place. Keep in mind I am coming at this from a monogamous background and have been heavily resisting the idea that I could be something else. Extramarital sex has made sense to me, but these feelings are brand new and I don't know how to handle them.

If it was just as easy as reading my own post, I wouldn't be having all this angst. But thanks anyway.

I come from a monogamous background as well. It's not easy but eventually you learn to deal with the emotions. If you've already read that book then you're ahead of the game.

By telling you to read your own post I was trying to point out that you said things that only poly people would say. You love two people. You don't want to leave or lose either of them. You are poly and you're handling something new fairly well. Good job. :) Keep at it.
 
I guess I chose my subject poorly... I'm not really sure what I was hoping for, but maybe some general advice?

I'm also not sure if I'm in love with my lover (despite the term). After all, it has only been three months. I know I care about him very much but no idea how to sort out if I'm in love with someone new, frankly! Being LD, I think NRE is going to take a while to dissipate. I don't think that part is all that relevant though. I'm more worried about dealing with my other feelings.
 
I just feel so alone. I mean, it's not like there are loads of people I can talk to about my situation! And I'm the kind of person who really needs connections to sort things out.

I struggled before even when I just started having casual extramarital sex, because again that was something I couldn't share with anyone. This is even harder. People might understand me having a desire for multiple sex partners... but having a man that I call my lover? I feel lost.
 
Seems to me like you're talking about it now, and that can only be a good thing!

It is, indeed, difficult to find other poly people to talk directly to, sometimes, especially if you prefer real-time chats either f2f or online -- but they are out there!

There may be poly meet groups in your area, too, which may be worth connecting with. Also, if you're in the UK or able to travel here, there's OpenCon 2012 which is a really great way to meet other poly folk and participate in a wide range of workshops discussing all manner of poly issues.
 
I agree that it helps to talk about it here but I guess I was kind of hoping to get some comments and feedback from people here on how to deal with things.

I'm in Canada, and I don't have a lot of time for going out to things because I don't drive. I didn't need realtime chats, but I thought I might get a few comments at least.
 
I'm just not good at relationships in general. I have been with my husband since I was 18 years old, so I'm far from experienced.

At what? Being in relationship? Obviously you have a strong runner in the married one. You do fine. :)

I'm used to being completely open and honest with no secrets.

Sounds like a sane plan.

I'm not comfortable enough in our relationship yet to ask for reassurance when I need it, because I don't want to be needy and insecure, although I am happy to give it to him when he needs it.

You make no sense because you are in a fluster. Calm down, breathe, BREATHE. Then?

Consider flipping this around in this order. It is not "because I don't want to be needy and insecure." You ARE feeling that. You are that right now. Put that FIRST.

1 "I AM feeling needy and insecure."

We cannot help what we feel when we feel it. We don't even get to choose when to feel it. It just is. Emotional weather. Rain is rain, wind is wind. Emotion is emotion. We DO get to choose how to behave in response. You can choose to REACT to emotion or ACT WITH INTENT. What did you pick?

2) So far you have chosen to stay silent. How's that working for relieving your insecure emotions? Nope. Not good solution. Conclusion? "To feel better, I need reassurance from my new partner." So what is problem in getting reassurance then?

3) "I do not feel comfortable enough in our relationship yet" to do that. Why not?

Spit it out. You GET comfortable by DOING. Speak up. Can you do that? Sure you can. Why? Because you are used to being completely open and honest with no secrets. That isn't a bad way to be. It's a good way. And I think you feel extra weird because you aren't doing it here. Get on with doing it.

In my world? It is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to the relationship to know and state your wants, needs, limits. Your partner has the RIGHT to clear communication. Own your end of the sticks, please. He cannot mind reader you. Speak up.

4) "I don't feel secure enough; what if I ask him for what I want, and it makes him uncomfortable?"

So he has some emotional weather. So what? Rain is rain. Wind is wind. Emotion is emotion. Let it blow on through. We're all grown ups. Felt many kinds of things before. You hold your own bag, he holds his.

His responsibility to YOU is to report his internal weather because YOU have the right to clear communication. So you tell him you expect him to know and state his wants, needs and limits so you can learn about him. But you are not a mind reader. Speak up, dude!

That's why this is dating. With older partners you can usually get it in the ballpark by taking a stab in the dark because they are older partners and you know the whole arena. With new partners, you have to be given the tour of the floorplan. Get on with the tour. :)

It will help you BOTH grow more comfortable and feel better too.

And I just don't know how to deal with my feelings of jealousy and fear of being dumped. Those are very negative emotions and I don't want them in my life.

Emotion is emotion, hon. Are you planning to be dead? I joke just to try to get you to laugh because you seem down. But I'm serious about this part -- Emotion is just Life Stuff. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, esp when we do not get to choose when we feel what we feel! We only get to choose how to respond to the emotion -- chose to react or act.

What are these fears speaking to then? Where you think "OMG! What if I get dumped!" and you go on a chain reaction of what-iffing yourself to a tizz? Is it just new rship jitters? That he's into kink and you are not? So? Do you have to be joined at the hip?

That you don't know how things work here yet with him and emotional things or conflict resolution? Is your new partner shirking on his reporting? Are you having to mindreader?

Is it that you might feel yucky someday? Have you never in your life felt yucky? It's can be hard to feel, but a broken heart still keeps on beating. World still turns. Why miss on out on savoring the yummy today for uncertainty in future that is not here? What if you have yummy in future and missed today's yummy for nothing!?

Is it something else this fear is speaking to? What?

Some partners are for life, some for a reason, some for a season. I was very heartbroken when my OSO faded from my life, even if it WAS a great way to fade and really gracefully and I could not have asked for a better ending. That man taught me grace, class. He had style, and he had the ability for compersion in spades.

But because it was fresh wound, I hurt. That is not unreasonable to expect in such a time even if it was the RIGHT THING to happen then. That I learned from my DH. "I am upset. I do not find this unreasonable to feel at this time. I love you. I do not love THIS. And we will deal." He has a capacity for clear emotional management that I admire and continue to learn from.

In time, I healed. OSO has become a lovely experience and memory, which I'm glad I took the risk for and look back on fondly. My heart grew then, and remains full from having enjoyed that. He was a good man. I am grateful our paths in Life crossed for a few years.

But I believe all relationships come with a clock attached just as John Cleese puts it. My DH? We're counting on decades here and one day that too will end. I hope when one of us dies, and hopefully dies in peace in elder years, and we're prepared. Nobody can ask for a smoother end of a marriage than that. An older friend just lost her DH in older years and they were a fantastic couple. She's handling it well, and he passed peacefully. I envy this, I hope our own story plays out similar.

So... what's the freakout over breaking up or things coming to an end? If you are worried that it could end UGLY -- well, make an agreement for how you prefer it to end when it ends. Talk to your partner to assuage your worries. Take the bull by the horns.

Worrying when you could be talking and sorting it out and moving on to the feeling better place instead makes no sense. Why stay at the worry place?

And worrying excessively is like praying for what you do NOT want.

Takes a toll on mental health/stess levels.

Hang in there! But the choice to stay silent is not working for ya, so just try another tack and be OK with yourself being a learner of this new person. It is a new relationship and agree to assume good intent with each other as you learn the ride. Everyone falls off a bike several times before they get the hang of it, right? BREATHE.

You ARE good at relationships. See that husband person? You just haven't played ball in a new arena for a while. No big. You DO know how to play ball.

So... play ball! :)
GG
 
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^^ I loved GalaG's post!


Hi :)

Something struck me when reading your thread.

You say there were other reasons for ending things with your other lovers... but sometimes, we meet someone we connect with and the old monogamy wiring kicks in and we just get rid of everything else to form some sort of pseudo-monogamous relationship with this new person. Especially if we fear them leaving us... we can subconsciously hope that us getting rid of others will encourage them to do the same. Then when they don't, we start dating again. And we look for their reaction.

Because your marriage is wonderful and full of love, your NRE with your lover is going to be even stronger... because your mind is exploding with freshly poked insecurities and internal drama. Just try to be aware of that and don't lose sight of your husband whilst you are going through all this.

I know that you want to deal with your insecurities. It's great that you've pinpointed that. Maybe I can tell you the ones I picked up on and this might help you focus on them?

I do agree with GalaGirl that you should be able to communicate your fears and insecurities to your lover. However, you have to be careful not to push them onto him - you have to own them yourself. You have to try to find that balance between being too 'needy' and communicating. For me, being too needy is needing constant (daily) reassurance on the same issue, over and over. Communicating is saying "I'm new to this and it's bringing up some personal issues I have to deal with. Can we please have a conversation about where we stand so that I know where your thoughts are?"

I know that they aren't together for as long as we are

This is the classic comparison cop out.

Throughout my post, I'll use my experiences to relate to you, if this helps you to feel less alone. :)

Last week, my girlfriend slept with someone else for the first time in our 1.5 year relationship.

I was just starting to deal with the pangs, when she told me that he wasn't great in bed.

What do you know? Immediately my pangs went away. I was actually frustrated - I know that if my feelings go away because something is poor in comparison to something I give her, I'm not really dealing with my feelings. It's a cop out.

What you have to do is imagine they are together for as long as you are. Then what? What difference would that make to you? Really force your mind to consider that.


she is giving him something that I can't, since I don't identify as a submissive. He doesn't expect that of me and we have a more than satisfying sexual relationship but I still worry despite his assurances that I'm not giving him what he needs.

I used to have this worry too. (I'll keep relating to my experience if this helps). My GF is a Mistress and I am the first woman she has been with, sexually and in love. I used to constantly worry that she'd be better off with a sub boy.

Now I don't think like that.

I'm giving her something that other people can't give her.

I'm a Mistress and I can tell you with 100% certainty that whilst I love D/s sex and need to get that somewhere, my favourite sex is with my girlfriend. Passionate, wild, fun, intense, Domme vs Domme sex. ~grins~ Just because I need D/s, doesn't mean it's actually my preference in the bigger picture. I just wouldn't want to live without it.

Another thing is that, to be honest, Domming people can be tiring. Sometimes there's nothing better than cutting all the D/s crap and just having sex. Sex that doesn't require my complete orchestration of control. Non-D/s sex can be a respite from D/s sex!

Furthermore, you hit the nail on the head - "she's giving him something I can't".

You have to remind yourself that this is what poly is all about. You can only tick certain boxes for a person; you cannot tick every box.

Yes, it is a possibility that he prefers the D/s sex and ultimately, given the choice, would give up your sex for that. But given that the sex between you is amazing, I'm doubting that is that case. And given that you are poly - he doesn't have to choose - he can have both and be happy. Keep reminding yourself - that's the point of poly.


Then, he and I have been experimenting with a particular sexual activity, and taking it slowly. He told me a couple of weeks ago that not only did he do it all with her, but she loved it. That really hurt and made me wonder why he'd still want to do it with me since it is more difficult for me and apparently easy with her.

I understand your feelings on this. This relates to the idea that poly means the end of special things. And to some extent, it does.

Again, my personal experience - there is one thing that only I can do for my girlfriend. She's had about 60 lovers before me and I was the first person to give her this experience that she loved. Then she taught her new sub boy my technique. So now he can do it to her too.

I had a five minute stomach twisting AGHGHGHG moment.... and then said... no... you should enjoy sex and if you love that thing, I am happy to have shared my (very talented) gift with you ;) (haha)

As for your lover wanting to do it with this other girl more because it's easy...

Let me tell you something... I have a massive thing for straight women. Do they turn me on because it's easy? Nope! They turn me on because they are slow-moving, cautious, timid, naive, new, scared. I love that. I also love corrupting people ;) It is very possible that your new lover feels the same way about you in terms of this thing you were shy about doing.

Ultimately, if he doesn't, it means he'll be happier elsewhere. And that is the point of poly - finding happiness.

As much as it would hurt me, I'd rather my partner leave me and find what she needs/wants, than stay with me for the sake of it. That's the best way to look at this.

(Also, you might want to have a talk about how much info you reveal to each other - that level of info might be too much for even the most experienced poly players in here).


Then, I worry because of the distance, that he is just going to not want to go to all the hassle to see me anymore. I mean, it's not like he has a shortage of sex locally.

I'm not going to lie - this could happen.

But... would I travel from England to France to have sex with Audrey Tautou regularly? Definitely. Hahaha. Seriously. And I don't have a shortage of sex locally ;)

In fact, my girlfriend lives in the US. I pay a lot of money and make a lot of sacrifices to travel around the world to see her, because our connection is worth it.

A connection is a connection - if it's there, nothing stands in the way easily.

If things easily get in way, the connection is not as strong as you thought and there is no point living a lie. You'd be selling yourself short.


Or maybe he'll find someone more attractive for whatever reason, or who can satisfy him sexually better.

Obviously, this self-confidence needs working on :)

He could find someone physically hotter, but still feel an intense attraction to you.

He could find someone better in bed, but still feel this amazing connection during sex with you.

He could find someone hotter and better and it could eradicate his feelings for you. You cannot change that. The same thing could also happen to you one day - you could prefer someone else to him.


I have expressed my worries to him and he did tell me that he is not looking for any more partners. I still worry about him getting tired of the distance and deciding he's fine with his two local women and his wife.

Just be careful about drifting into a closed poly situation with him.

I do think that closed poly is absolutely fine when people decide they want that. I will probably want that in about 10 years.

But if you force closed poly as a way to hide from your insecurities and fears, you will be selling yourself short.

Far better that you face those fears head on and grow strong.


If this helps at all, I was very jealous and insecure before I was poly. For various reasons which I won't go into. I did all those ridiculous crazy mono woman things like reading my boyfriend's texts and getting jealous when he had female friends.

It wasn't until I met my girlfriend 1.5 years ago and became poly that I realised how fearful I was.

The first 6 months of our poly relationship were very hard. We were very jealous, very accusatory with each other and didn't deal with our emotions well.

But... I'm really not exaggerating when I say this... every single argument and upset and scary event we've ever had over the past 1.5 years has taught us something.

Today, I still get a little insecure and a little jealous, but I feel a million times more stable than I did back then. I genuinely believe that is greatly down to poly and greatly down to confronting my fears... letting go of them... letting go of my desire to restrict my partner through fear... and just accepting that she loves and wants me, in this moment.

We have always had an analogy about poly and our arguments surrounding it. We have a house. Every time we hit an issue, we're hitting a rotting brick. We confront that issue (our fear), pick it apart, deal with it and replace it with a good brick. We knocked a hell of a lot of bricks out of that house last year. And now, our relationship and our personal security has many, many more good bricks - it's a much more solid house. We are much more solid people.

I used to think that the worst thing in the world would be abandoned by someone I love. Now I think that the worst thing in the world is kidding myself. if someone prefers someone else and would be happier, far better that they chase that rainbow than waste your time and energy.

I hope that this answer helped a little bit. :) Sorry I waffled!
 
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Thanks for that feedback, I appreciate it.

The idea behind me not talking to my lover about how I feel is more that I feel that it's MY issue, not ours. Therefore I don't think it's right to dump it on him; I'd much rather deal with my feelings on my own. I'm not really sure how though which is one reason why I am here.

It's also not that I'm not into kink, because I do enjoy some activities very much. I'm just not into D/s. And it's definitely not that I don't want him to be happy. I would feel awful knowing he wasn't getting regular sex if he had no one local. I care about him so why would I want him to be miserable?

Frankly, these feelings are about as unattractive and un-fun as they get. I get that when a relationship is more than sex, there will be some un-fun elements to it, but most of the time I think it's better to enjoy the positive in a relationship. That's a big reason why I don't want to talk about my feelings, too.

Please keep in mind that he doesn't identify as poly, either. I think for both of us that it's a very loaded, heavy term. I'm having enough trouble dealing with the idea that I might be, because I have never seen myself that way.

No, I really didn't get rid of my other partners because of him. One wasn't able to see me with the frequency I wanted, so I didn't feel like keeping in touch with him to have sex once every three months, and the other treated me like a booty call which I hate. I gave him a chance to shape up, and he didn't, so I cut him loose.

I am actively searching for a couple more local sex-only partners and my lover is aware of that, but similarly understands that he cannot see me often enough to meet my needs, either. Believe me, if he was local, I'd be banging him 2-3x a week and not wanting to see anyone else! Although I guess he we wouldn't have as much time together then. Even a once a week overnight might be tough to manage. But anyway, it's irrelevant.

Yes, I am dealing with NRE, but it makes me feel more loving towards my husband as well. It's actually been interesting. My lover makes me so happy, that I am happier and more appreciative of my husband.

Yes, it would bother the hell out of me if we had equal time. I'll be honest. I don't care that she had a relationship with him first, I still want to be first among his girlfriends. I know that isn't what poly is about, but I'm still wired that way.

It's just such an odd situation. We had started off thinking we were going to be a one night stand and we obviously have started a different path. So a lot of the stuff that you guys take for granted, just doesn't make sense to me. I didn't go looking for a relationship, I went looking for sex. And certainly found it! So the parts about determining long term compatibility etc... I don't think like that because if it meant we had to have a shallower relationship to keep having amazing sex, I'd be okay with that. I mean, I'd hurt a lot, but the sex really is that incredible that I'd deal with it. I would much rather have a loving relationship with him, but the sex part is certainly far better than nothing!

I'm just really not sure how to behave around him at times.
 
Well, he's out with his sub this morning... I'm trying not to be bothered by it. I really want to deal with this stuff so I can just relax and enjoy what we have for what it is.

We had a talk the other night and I tried to explain to him that I just like to hear stuff verbally at times. I know that I should just see from his actions that he cares about me and is excited to see me, but I think it's just a lot easier to rationalize things like that away than him telling me that I excite him and he wants to see me, if that makes sense. He pointed out that this past weekend when he came to see me, he was at work from 7am to 9pm and then left to make the 3 hour drive to visit me even though I suggested he come in the morning, so I shouldn't worry that he isn't into me. And he's right, I know. I need to deal with my issues.

I think it's mostly going to be time helping. I know it'll never really be the same as my marriage where I know he'll never leave me, but I just wish it wouldn't be at the forefront of my mind so much. I guess the problem is that I am overthinking what it is, because I really want it to stay like it is- just somehow more like a committed thing than a casual thing. Does that make any sense? And I guess it would be nice if he felt about me the way I feel about him, except that I really don't know what I feel anyway.

I also want to deal with my insecurities because I have the opportunity to make three of his fantasies come true at once, and if I can figure out a way to wrap my head about it, I'd like to give it to him. He has always wanted a FMF, the opportunity to tie two women up at once, and to have two women sucking his cock. I am straight, so we both figured he was going to have to get those things from another partner. But another hotwife lives around the block from me and she and I are getting to know each other, and she's said she would be interested in helping him fulfill those fantasies if I wanted to. But that brings up a host of issues for me.

He actually doesn't expect me to play with the other woman; he says in his fantasy, he satisfies us both. And he's the kind of man I think might actually be able to keep two women satisfied at once. I'm not sure how limited my interaction with the other woman would be, and I guess I'd be willing to experiment a little, but guys do MFM all the time with no other contact so I'd imagine that's workable. My concerns, of course, are that he'd like the other woman better. She is 20 years older than I am, but she has a very slim tight body, and I'm still about 30lbs overweight. Plus, she'd be new and I'd be familiar. She lives so close... what if he decided he'd rather see her instead of me? What if she satisfies him better than I can? I don't know. I don't want my selfishness to keep me from giving him something I know he would love, but I also know if I can't deal with my concerns, it's better not to do it. I did mention to him it might be a possibility and he made it clear that if I am not 100% comfortable he doesn't want to do it.

And I guess I'm just having issues because I think that I've gotten pretty heavily emotionally involved and I don't know if he feels the same way. I would tend to doubt it. I know he cares about me as a person and will always treat me with respect, but I doubt he's worrying about whether he's in love with me :p He did make it clear to me that he doesn't want to replace me because he enjoys spending time with me so much and that we have a lot of fun together, and he likes that we can do normal things as well because we enjoy each other's company. I hate that didn't take away my anxiety.

Thoughts?
 
After some thought, I'm not sure if I really am poly after all. I am wondering if I just got to this place in my life because of this specific man. He feels like everything I would want in a secondary partner, and is no threat to my marriage. Perhaps the right person just came along and I made room for him in my heart. If at some point we end the relationship though, I don't think I am going to go looking for another "real" relationship and will go back to just having casual sex partners, I think.

He and I had a talk about our feelings though, and I am still feeling giddy. We love each other and that is incredibly exciting... except that I have no one I can tell!

Is this board normally slow or is my situation just uninteresting? I have always found that more perspectives are always helpful, whether I agree or not.
 
If you are in love with more than one person, and can imagine yourself happy in a relationship with them both at the same time, and want this to be honest and transparent for all involved, then yes, you are poly.

Poly can very easily mean a specific situation with specific people involved.

But why worry about labels? You are who you are, and are facing some of the standard issues that poly brings. If you find discussion useful here, then by all means join in. :)
 
After some thought, I'm not sure if I really am poly after all. I am wondering if I just got to this place in my life because of this specific man. He feels like everything I would want in a secondary partner, and is no threat to my marriage.

Sounds delicious. Why the need to question it, then? You don't have to be poly to live poly. You just have to be present and willing to put the necessary work into more than one relationship to be successful.

Perhaps the right person just came along and I made room for him in my heart. If at some point we end the relationship though, I don't think I am going to go looking for another "real" relationship and will go back to just having casual sex partners, I think.
It doesn't matter if someday in the future you find yourself perfectly happy and satisfied to live monogamously, or if you eschew more serious commitments altogether; for right now, you have two relationships that work well. So... be here now.

He and I had a talk about our feelings though, and I am still feeling giddy. We love each other and that is incredibly exciting... except that I have no one I can tell!
Tell us!! We love it when people come here and gush. The board is full of posts about problems - give us the good stuff! :D

Is this board normally slow or is my situation just uninteresting? I have always found that more perspectives are always helpful, whether I agree or not.
Your thread actually seems more in tune with what people write in the Blogs forum. You asked people for their thoughts on things while you unraveled and examined stuff in your mind, rather than posing a situation that needed an urgent, concrete solution. You've been musing and ruminating, and people have added their thoughts. I'm sure more people were reading but perhaps didn't quite know what to add, since it has a bloggy feel. But do keep writing!
 
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I don't really want to keep a blog- seems like that would be too labour intensive although sometimes there are words and phrases that I wish I could reread forever.

I posted here because sometimes it's just helpful to have other thoughts on my situation given that this is completely new to me. I figured the people here have experience in poly relationships and would understand how I am feeling.

Do people comment on blogs? What I really need is an outlet- people I can talk to about my life. It's not like I really have anyone I can tell. Right now I am so happy that I want to stand on my roof and shout that I'm in love... and I can't. Well, I can, but they'll all just laugh and ask how I can still be so madly in love with my husband after being together nearly 12 years. And I am madly in love with him... but who else can I tell that I am madly in love with my lover? Pretty much no one. So I don't just want to start a blog just for the sake of writing- it's the interaction that I need.

I am deliriously happy. I have never felt this way in my whole life. I have an extremely rewarding and loving relationship with my husband, where we have reignited the passion we felt in our "honeymoon" period so long ago and combined that with the security and comfort of a marriage. And I have a very exciting, passionate relationship with my lover which combines incredible sex with an intense emotional connection. My cup runneth over.

I'm still having issues dealing with the green eyed monster, but I am trying, I really am. My fear of abandonment has gone way down since he told me how he feels about me. Thinking about him with other women still gives me a twinge (again, except his wife).

Every time I have a twinge, I try to analyze it and figure out why I am feeling that way. Like, he just got back from a week's vacation with his wife, so I am sure he was very turned on and wanting to have sex. It's Sunday, so I know he saw his submissive this morning. I made a list of reasons why I was bothered. One reason I felt jealous was that she got to enjoy that extra passion that comes out when you haven't had sex in a while. But I asked myself, would I rather that he stayed frustrated until we are together? That isn't fair to him and I want him to be happy.

I have to be honest, doing this doesn't entirely take my feelings away. I'm kind of hoping that will happen with time.
 
Do people comment on blogs? . . . I don't just want to start a blog just for the sake of writing- it's the interaction that I need.
Yes, we can comment and give feedback on blogs. We're just not allowed to get into debates or arguments (and maybe long tangents?) on them, and the owner of a blog thread can have anyone's post removed from their thread if they don't like what was written. I didn't know how much I'd enjoy blogging til after a while of doing it here.

Every time I have a twinge, I try to analyze it and figure out why I am feeling that way. Like, he just got back from a week's vacation with his wife, so I am sure he was very turned on and wanting to have sex. It's Sunday, so I know he saw his submissive this morning. I made a list of reasons why I was bothered. One reason I felt jealous was that she got to enjoy that extra passion that comes out when you haven't had sex in a while. But I asked myself, would I rather that he stayed frustrated until we are together? That isn't fair to him and I want him to be happy.

I have to be honest, doing this doesn't entirely take my feelings away. I'm kind of hoping that will happen with time.

I do the same thing. I try to break it down and figure out why I am feeling a certain way. No, it doesn't automatically always make the uncomfortable feelings go away (although sometimes they do), but it does help, I find, to understand my thought process and how it prompts emotions in order to diffuse them so they have less power over me. A teacher of mine used to say, "If knowledge is power, then self-knowledge is everything."
 
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Vicki 82

I am new posting here. I know that you are looking for some "general advice" and possibly solutions to your situation. However, I don't think you fit the definition of polyamory. I am in a threesome relationship right now and it is very much a "hinge" relationship or Vee. Anyway, for you to be in a polyamous it takes alot more open, honest, and loving relationship. You are having more of a swinging lifestyle. I did that for many years and it does leave you feeling very empty inside. Polyamory relationships are one of the hardest and most rewarding relationships you can get involved in. You should never have the feelings that your having. That is why I think your more in a swinging lifestyle than polyamory lifestyle. I am kinda rushing this posts and can give you more example if interested. If I am totally of base let me know too. Good luck in all your decisions. Greg
 
I am new posting here. I know that you are looking for some "general advice" and possibly solutions to your situation. However, I don't think you fit the definition of polyamory. I am in a threesome relationship right now and it is very much a "hinge" relationship or Vee. Anyway, for you to be in a polyamous it takes alot more open, honest, and loving relationship. You are having more of a swinging lifestyle. I did that for many years and it does leave you feeling very empty inside. Polyamory relationships are one of the hardest and most rewarding relationships you can get involved in. You should never have the feelings that your having. That is why I think your more in a swinging lifestyle than polyamory lifestyle. I am kinda rushing this posts and can give you more example if interested. If I am totally of base let me know too. Good luck in all your decisions. Greg

Wow. Thanks for assuming you know so much about me. And your condescension is insulting, frankly.

You are so far off base on all your comments that it's ridiculous.

Edited to add: I felt attacked by your comments and that you are demeaning my relationship with my lover. And I am definitely not a swinger, and if you knew anything about the swinging lifestyle that would be obvious even from my first post. Your comments about me needing to have a more open honest and loving relationship are incredibly rude and insulting.
 
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Greg,

I don't think you fit the definition of polyamory.
This should be good....

I am in a threesome relationship right now and it is very much a "hinge" relationship or Vee. Anyway, for you to be in a polyamous it takes alot more open, honest, and loving relationship.
How is what she talked about not open, honest and loving? Both of her partners know what is going on, and bless it, and she says that he is in love with both of them.

You are having more of a swinging lifestyle.
I disagree completely. She may have come at this from the swing approach but it has evolved into something that I would definitely call more polyamory than swinging.

I did that for many years and it does leave you feeling very empty inside.
It may have left YOU feeling very empty inside, but there are many others who feel quite fulfilled from that lifestyle. Sorry it didn't work out for you.

Polyamory relationships are one of the hardest and most rewarding relationships you can get involved in. You should never have the feelings that your having. That is why I think your more in a swinging lifestyle than polyamory lifestyle.
So because she is having some issues, suddenly it's not poly, it's swinging? Yes, poly takes work, and yes it can be full of things that need to be dealt with, including insecurities, jealousy and fears. That doesn't make it "not poly".

Greg, I really suggest you do a little more reading around about the various forms of polyamory and how the polyamorous community tends to accept those who, while still doing poly, do it differently from us. Please do this before handing down your judgments on what is and isn't poly and what is and isn't swinging.

If you'd like to get into more of a discussion on this, I suggest you start a new thread to discuss the forms of poly and their relative merits.

Cheers!
 
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