Parallel Polyamory with Partners who have Similar Interests

Okay, so for those who are familiar with my situation, things are going very well right now. I haven’t updated my blog for awhile but things have been working really well with Ponytail. He is going on dates and meeting new people and taking care of his social needs without me and I am able to talk about Whiskers from time to time and it doesn’t upset him or anything. Things feel good.

We are definitely in a “parallel poly” situation between Ponytail and Whiskers, though. They don’t really interact with each other. Whiskers would like to get to know Ponytail better, but doesn’t want to push it. And Ponytail definitely isn’t ready, although he isn’t unwilling to try for more contact in the future.

Anyhoo, the trouble is that they have very similar common interests with me, and sometimes that makes me feel like I am “choosing” between them. A couple months ago, Whiskers invited me to an event that I was already going to with Ponytail and so not only did I not go with Whiskers, but Whiskers had to choose a different night to go because he didn’t want to make Ponytail uncomfortable by being at the same venue as us. He was fine with it (it was his idea to go a different night) but it made me feel kind of weird.

Current situation:

Ponytail has mentioned wanting to watch a show with me. In order to watch it, we would need to get a streaming service that neither of us has. So it has been very theoretical. I’ve been kind of like, “yeah, maybe.”

Then the other day Whiskers tells me that he is planning to watch the same show starting on a specific date and asks if I want to watch it with him. I admit that I had been thinking about watching that show, but that Ponytail had also suggested watching it together and so I feel a little uncertain.

I don’t see Whiskers as often as Ponytail. And so we do a lot of watching the same show and texting our commentary to each other as we do so. So if I were to pick someone to start a new show with, it would probably be Whiskers. But it would also probably be really fun to watch it with Ponytail.

If we were kitchen table, this would be easy. I would suggest that we all hang out on the couch and watch it together. But we are nowhere near that level of comfort to be getting together for regular hangouts.

Another idea, I suppose, would be that I could just semi-casually switch back and forth. Episide1 I watch with Ponytail and Whiskers watches it on his own. Episode 2 I watch with Whiskers and Ponytail watches on his own....that way we all get to see it and they each get to watch some episodes with me.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? Do you just pick one partner to do a particular activity with and commit it to them? Or do you come up with an alternative solution?

Luckily my guys hang out, but sometimes the answer has been "just watch things 2x..."

Just do things twice. I do it all the time.

No need to mention it to the other partner.

I have watched shows twice. Went to places multiple times. Went to movies twice. Went to see the same band twice at different locations.

It is no big deal.

Dagferi said:

Just do things twice. I do it all the time.

No need to mention it to the other partner.

I have watched shows twice. Went to places multiple times. Went to movies twice. Went to see the same band twice at different locations.

It is no big deal.

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Do you not even mention that you have already seen it? Or do you just not mention who you saw it with? I guess part of my discomfort is that when I tell someone I am going to watch something “with” them, there is an implied “I am saving this so we can watch it together and share in the suspense and surprise twists together.” I would feel kind of odd watching something I had already seen and not revealing that fact.

I think part of it is that I tend to have strong (and perhaps adorable) reactions to twists and turns in movies and shows. So for my partners, the joy of watching something “with” me is seeing my reactions. I don’t mind watching things twice, but there is a big difference between watching something with me when I haven’t seen it before nd watching it with me when I have already watched it.

Dagferi said:

Just do things twice. I do it all the time.

No need to mention it to the other partner.

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I'd feel like pretending if I didn't say I've already done that thing. I'd just not be enjoying as much and a partner could pick up on that. I guess it's one of the things that everyone has to resolve for themselves somehow.

I just pick. Often the partner who suggests it first gets picked... unless I know it's super important to one of them. My partners can and do socialize together and that makes one time events way easier. But a show or a movie? I can offer to watch it again with the other person if they want. I have watched a bunch of movies twice because of that. Sometimes I don't mention that I've already see it with my other partner. Often if I really love a show or a movie I want to watch it with both partners because I want to be able to talk with both of them about it.

But yeah. Picking is something that happens. As long as it isn't one partner always being picked and the other always being put aside... I think picking is fine.

I practice parallel poly, and I've been really uncomfortable times when more than one of my partners has been present at events or whatever, so I avoid that whenever possible.

I never really have the issue of more than one partner wanting to do the same thing with me, though. Hubby doesn't do *anything* with me and has no desire to. Other than my boyfriend, currently my "partners" are more of FWBs who I see maybe once or twice a month, if that...and one of them I mostly only see at play parties because we live too far apart. Last year, when I did have two committed partners other than Hubby (my boyfriend and Facets), there wasn't really any issue of them wanting to do the same or similar activities with me. They didn't have much in common with each other.

There have been a few times when one of my boyfriend's other partners has wanted to go to the same event with him that I want to go to, or wants to go to even if I'm the one who's technically "with" my boyfriend. I do my best to avoid that, sometimes to the extent of just plain not going to something, no matter how much I want to go, if I know one of my metamours will be there. And if my boyfriend lets me know that one of my metamours will be officially his "date" for an event, I definitely stay home.

The wife has spent 12 years studying how to do her job. It is impossible for a 19 year old to compete with.

I can do lesser versions of the same thing with a girlfriend or mistress. Both can jump on the back of an Enduro, but one has done it hundreds of times before, has set up camps in all kinds of conditions, knows what kinds of decisions I am going to make, etc.

And the wife can't be 19. So there is justice in it.

I can't think where something "live" like a New Year's Eve countdown would ever be an issue. There aren't going to be weddings and funerals on the same days between the wife and mistress' family. There's been graduations, valentines days, christmas and new years, baptisms, etc. Never a conflict.

We plan pretty long in advance. Nobody's ever been offended with a "me first" attitude and the wife has done just about anything first. I did ziplines with the mistress first, so what.

I feel no need to mention that I have already seen something with the other partner especially if I know that the other is going to get hurt that the other got to do it first. If they ask me if I have seen or done X yet then yes I am going to answer honestly. But if they ask do you want to watch it or do X with me I feel no need to asign dibs to that activity to either partner. I just enjoy my time with my partner without ruining their experience with the knowledge that someone else did it first.

Now if a movie or resturant was horrible and I cannot bear the experience again , I will speak up. But after 7 years I have learned that these things are not worth worrying about especially when your partner is sensitive to bleed over from your other relationship.

Another idea, I suppose, would be that I could just semi-casually switch back and forth. Episide1 I watch with Ponytail and Whiskers watches it on his own. Episode 2 I watch with Whiskers and Ponytail watches on his own....that way we all get to see it and they each get to watch some episodes with me.

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I guess if it were me? I'd go with that.

I'd tell Whiskers and Ponytail that nobody is ready for all in one room watching. So you suggest "parallel show" watching so it's shared with both but not all together. Some episodes you will do "first time" watch with one, then the other. Like even number episodes with one and odd number with the other.

Then you don't have to watch anything twice.

And they know which ones to watch on their own and which to watch with you.

It's only TV. Don't overthink it.

Keep it way easier on yourself.

Anyhoo, the trouble is that they have very similar common interests with me, and sometimes that makes me feel like I am “choosing” between them.

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Could stop thinking of it like "choosing" between them and more like "sharing with both in a way that's doable at this time."

Galagirl

Re (from MsEmotional):

"Another idea, I suppose, would be that I could just semi-casually switch back and forth. Episide One I watch with Ponytail and Whiskers watches it on his own. Episode Two I watch with Whiskers and Ponytail watches on his own ... that way we all get to see it and they each get to watch some episodes with me."

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This sounds to me like a good solution.

I think you probably need to have a conversation with each of them about what it means if they ask you to watch a show with them. Does that mean that they expect you to "save it" for them like you're suspecting? Or do they not have a strong preference for that? Maybe one of them doesn't care as much if you've already seen it and is just asking if you'd be interested in seeing it together as a shared activity.

And it's probably also worth just addressing this issue as a whole with each of them and saying "hey, you both share quite a few common interests, which means that there are times when you both ask me to do the same activity. I don't mind doing the activity with each of you separately, but it means that sometimes if I do an activity with you it's not going to be the first time. If you would like to be told in advance if I've done that activity already then I'm happy to share that, or I don't have to. Let me know your preference."

But basically... put them on notice that this is a situation that is bound to happen and see if either has strong feelings one way or the other.

I agree with GalaGirl. I discuss with them what exactly it means TO THEM to watch a show "with" you. From what you have written it sounds like this would probably be a bigger deal to PonyTail than Whiskers.

So if PonyTail really wants to watch the show "with" you but Whiskers would be fine with watching himself (which he was already planning on doing anyway, then invited you to join) you would still be able to TALK about the episodes with him after you have seen them with PonyTail. You would be sharing your responses after the fact, not real time, but that may not matter as much to him.

I never mind seeing something over again, I pick up more details and backstory each time. I don't mind "spoilers", so it never bothers me if someone else has already seen something and talks about it. While "not mentioning it" is a viable option for others, I would never remember not to comment so that wouldn't work for me - too much effort involved. Again, as GG says, talk to them about their preferences - you may be projecting more of your own preferences than you realize.

I happily watch it twice. Henry and I watch a lot of TV in bed together since we're nesting partners. Charles and I have less time together so we are less likely to spend time watching a show and it goes way more slowly.

It's fun either way.