How to find a girlfriend for a couple without freaking her out?

OK so we are both new to this, we have been together for 8 years now and have had many conversations about wanting to find an additional girl to add to our relationship. We are both completely open with each other and have been openly looking for a girl for a while now. We haven't been able to find someone that fits what we're looking for, until now. My husband has recently started a new job and there's a girl he works with that is perfect. She has everything we've been looking for in looks, personality, and common interests. The only problem is we aren't sure how to go about bringing this up to her without completely freaking her out and scaring her off for good. Or compromising anyone's job haha. Any information or advice on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

I suggest you do a tag search and/or advanced search here or the term "unicorn" and "unicorn hunter." You can find those functions by clicking on the Search link above.

Now, think about it - you don't really "add" a person to your existing relationship. You meet someone you like, and relate to them, see if there's compatibility, then see if you both want to spend more time together, and so on, just like any other relationship starts out. People do not get added to whatever kind of partnership you have already - because human beings are not condiments for your hamburger and should never be treated like something to add to or enhance the relationship you currently are in. Please read these threads:
"Added To, Joining In"
Triads, Unicorns, Unicorn Hunters, sexual 3somes, etc.
What is the appeal of a unicorn?
What's in it for a unicorn?

...and this article:
So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

...and this book:
Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

You can find other books in our book recommendation thread - do a search.

Furthermore, just a note of caution (and I have a hard time understanding why this still has to be said in the year 2015) - if you are a mature adult, wouldn't you rather be in a relationship with a woman and not a girl? Do you call your husband a boy? Calling a woman by the same word that describes pre-pubescent females ("girl) is demeaning, a bit creepy, and demonstrates an inability to distinguish between age groups when relating to females. If you want to be in relationships with adults, and for everyone to relate to each other with maturity, capability, and consideration, I recommend you start thinking of and referring to yourself and others as adults.

If you do a lot of reading, asking questions here, as well as examining and discussing your motives for wanting a "girl" to "add to" your relationship, for a good long time before you embark on practicing poly in your life, you might have a chance without causing too much damage. Some couples take a year or two of talking and deep introspection before taking the first step. Best of luck to you and your husband.

Frankly op you sound like a predator stalking it's prey..

MelissaBriana said:

We haven't been able to find someone that fits what we're looking for, until now.

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I spent a luscious weekend with a couple recently and it felt normal, not like anyone was adding me into their scheme or inserting me into their dreams. I suspect it felt this way to me because I did not "fit what we're looking for" but because both people just like me - me - and I like them. I've known the guy for about 9 months and we've slowly developed a friendship which recently expanded to my meeting his long term girlfriend. It feels much like how friendships go - you groove on each other and as time goes by, you naturally meet the people in each other's social circle. That, to me, is how a couple would best "find an additional girl" in a lasting, mature, respectful way. Otherwise, you're bascially just having sex with a call girl who is getting paid in attention. As others have said, unless it's a real friendship that is developing naturally and slowly, without fervor and a list of requirements, you're just stalking prey in a way that will feel icky to the stalkee soon enough, once she gets her bearings.

If you're really into this woman as a person, I'd advise you to proceed as you would any friendship - slowly. Have you met her?

Your best bet is let them find you and let it happen organically. Don't go looking for someone to date both of you, date separate and maybe someone will happen to like both of you. Or even maybe one of you has a female friend who ends up liking one or both (this happened a few times for us) but it should never be the case where you are a "package deal " if I met a couple and they said "all or nothing " there's no way I'd get involved.

I was part of a closed triad for 6 months. It was a beautiful, exciting thing to experience! Ours started somewhat organically. My current partner, Blue, met Snow through a friend. They felt an instant connection. They dated for awhile, then he introduced us as metamours. We hit it off. And it developed from there. I'd be open to that again, if the stars so align

This woman that you've found, do you know if she's looking for a new partner/partners? Because if she's not, there's no approach that's going to make her want either or both of you. I agree with everyone else. Let things happen organically... Don't go searching for a "type" or "style" of woman like you would a breed of puppy. Relationships don't work well that way. Just go about your life, meeting new people. Sure, you can take a proactive approach. Join OkCupid even, if you want. But, I wouldn't advise approaching this woman unless you've all connected AND she's given you obvious cues that she's interested in a relationship with one/both of you AND she's given you an indication that she's open to threesomes and/or alternative relationship styles. Otherwise, you could end up with a harassment suit at work, lose your job, or have a restraining order filed against you.

Also, and I can't believe this hasn't come up: don't try this with someone either of you works with. The levels of bad idea that is are almost incalculable. Seriously, let this one go. I guarantee it will end very badly.

GreenAcres said:

Also, and I can't believe this hasn't come up: don't try this with someone either of you works with. The levels of bad idea that is are almost incalculable. Seriously, let this one go. I guarantee it will end very badly.

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Amen.

I also second nycindie here: please educate yourselves about polyamory and opening up an existing relationship. Everyone else have been giving you valuable advice here, too.

Please read the "So Someone Called You a Unicorn" essay that Nycindie linked, if nothing else. It's a good one.

As for not scaring this woman? Sorry, there is no non-creepy way to invite someone to be "added to your relationship", because it's inherently creepy. It shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how relationships work. People aren't widgets you can fit into an existing structure, they are individuals who will form individual relationships with one or both of you in ways you can't predict or control, and the wording/thinking that you've used fails to acknowledge that.

HappilyFallenAngel and PinkPig both provided great examples of one way a triad actually can happen healthily -- date someone as an individual, and then, if they're interested in your other partner too, maybe it can become a three person thing. But going in with a preset game plan that involves one person dating you both from day one is 1) doomed, 2) based on fundamentally flawed thinking about how relationships work, 3) objectifying, 4) not something you should ever suggest to a co-worker worker especially.

I completely believe partner hunting on the job is one of the worst ideas ever whether you're poly or mono, but its even more of a risk if you're poly and any of your coworkers know you to be part of a committed relationship. If they know this and then pick up on a vibe between you and another coworker, it can damage your standing at work. If it doesn't work out, you'll not only have the pain of seeing that person everyday, you'll have it while being seen as a cheater or deviant.

As well, people usually don't look for employment to find a relationship. They do it to pay their bills and try to build a career. You and your partner want to add a girls to your romantic relationship and intend to make this goal a factor in this woman's work life. It has a high likelihood of coming off badly. You're basically wanting to tell some woman that her plans of paying her bills and forwarding her career are worth risking to add some spice to your bedroom. If she isn't into it, she will still have this knowledge of your partner every time she has to deal with your partner. You don't know what she will do with this information.

Its just not a smart move IMO.

Along with everything Vinccenzo said, it could also be taken to management, if the coworker felt really uncomfortable (which she really might. I would--I don't go to work to be asked out, and would find it incredibly inappropriate). It could easily cost you your job, or keep you from further promotions, etc. And, unless this woman has given you incredibly clear and unmistakable signals she wants to fuck both of you and is completely open to being approached with that scenario, your presumption and imposition (and it's definitely both) would very likely, and justifiably, make her uncomfortable. Even if she has given you those signals, pursuing it means that when it ends (and it almost certainly will, and odds say it will do so badly), you have to deal not only with the normal badness of breaking up with a co-worker, but the significant mess that will arise from a broken triad. As said above, this knowledge could be used against you in many ways.

Really, just enjoy having a silent crush and let it go.

Hi MelissaBriana,

Perhaps you could get to know this woman at your husband's work just as a friend before thinking about any kind of romantic relationship with her? Maybe your husband could invite her out for lunch and mention that he'd like her to meet you too.

I'm curious, how did you get the idea to add a girl to your relationship? So many people get this idea, I have no idea why. There are other ways to do polyamory, ways with much better odds of success ...

I hope you'll consider all that's been said in this thread, and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

OK so apparently I there's been some misunderstandings regarding my first post. First, I didn't feel the need to specify I'm looking for a woman not a "girl", obviously I'm not searching for someone underage. Second, he did not start the job just to meet someone that's just something that happened. Also he's not actually going to be working with her, she works completely seperate , not even in the same building. He just happened to meet her during training so there's really no risk to anyone's job. We have already met a " woman" that we both really like so its not like we are just out there searching nonstop or "stalking prey" as someone mentioned, and forcing relationships to work. We just so happened to meet this girl and really click. My question was what's the best way to bring something like that up without freaking her out. Please don't lecture me on "educating myself on polyamory" or nitpick my choice of words just any advice on that specific question would be appreciated. Thank you.

Ahh that was the other thing, by "add" I don't mean just sexually or like were trying to collect them or anything like that. I mean someone to be in a relationship with us both, as friends or even more if that's what we all feel comfortable with

MelissaBriana,

There's no magic words that are going to keep her from freaking out. The reality is that if you're worried she might freak out, you're not at a point yet where you should bring it up. If she hasn't given you clear enough signals that she's romantically and/or sexually interested in one or both of you that you have to wonder how not to freak her out, then it will almost certainly freak her out. That means you need to spend more time getting to know her as a person, and letting her get to know you, and seeing if those signals become strong enough that there's no concern about it "freaking her out." Unless you come to a point where you're very sure it's a topic open for discussion, leave it alone (I am a HBB, I have dated couples, and I speak from experience--if she's into you, you'll know it, and if you force it, things will go badly).

Did you read the article that several posters have suggested? It will help you figure out how to do what you're asking, and there's a reason many posters have suggested it. You came asking for advice, and when several long-time members post the same thing, it's worth checking it out rather than getting upset they suggested it. When couples come to the board, especially couples new to poly, seeking their HBB, it's generally recommended they read some of these things, and it's recommended for really, really good reasons. It's not intended to be offensive, but there are countless couples who come here looking for their HBBs to "add" to their relationship. There are many here who started out as unicorn hunters, and if you read the cited threads, you can gain a lot of knowledge from what they did, their mistakes, and their successes. That is, you say, exactly the kind of specific information you're looking for.

MelissaBriana said:

Also he's not actually going to be working with her, she works completely seperate , not even in the same building. He just happened to meet her during training so there's really no risk to anyone's job.

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Not the best assumption. If she feels uncomfortable enough to bring it to HR, this could still be an issue. Many corporate HR environments are quick to react to this type of thing, regardless of their day-to-day proximity to each other.

Also, if it's not uncommon to change facilities / departments / etc., they may also end up working in close proximity, regardless of where they started.

MelissaBriana said:

OK so apparently I there's been some misunderstandings regarding my first post. First, I didn't feel the need to specify I'm looking for a woman not a "girl", obviously I'm not searching for someone underage. Second, he did not start the job just to meet someone that's just something that happened. Also he's not actually going to be working with her, she works completely seperate , not even in the same building. He just happened to meet her during training so there's really no risk to anyone's job. We have already met a " woman" that we both really like so its not like we are just out there searching nonstop or "stalking prey" as someone mentioned, and forcing relationships to work. We just so happened to meet this girl and really click. My question was what's the best way to bring something like that up without freaking her out. Please don't lecture me on "educating myself on polyamory" or nitpick my choice of words just any advice on that specific question would be appreciated. Thank you.

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Well he should ask her out and if she's receptive to dating a married man maybe she'll click with you too later on down the road (if she's even bisexual )

When I was married, my ex h and I began to explore polyamory as dreaded "unicorn hunters." I was bi, he wanted threesomes, it seemed like a good idea.

It was a terrible idea. We got to know this single woman who liked us both, and when he flirted with her and let her know we had an open relationship and we'd both like to date her, she agreed. But it soon became painfully obvious she just said this because she wanted him as a lover, not me. I felt rejected, she was jealous of me being in a committed relationship with him, etc., etc.-- horrible.

Since he and I parted ways, I have been in a LTR with a woman who is also poly, and we always date separately. Much better!

Now, many men I date also get crushes on her, and I have to explain to the men (who are generally rather unfamiliar with poly) that no, I will not "set up" a threesome with her. That is entirely up to any guy and my gf, whether or not they like each other, are attracted to each other, can figure out what kind of relationship with each other they may or may not want.

Re (from MelissaBriana):

"My question was what's the best way to bring something like that up without freaking her out."

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Personally I think the key here is to establish a platonic friendship with her before mentioning anything romantic or poly to her. That friendship would be a foundation you could build on without freaking her out.

But I was still hoping you could answer my question: How did you get the idea to bring a woman into a relationship with you and your husband? The MFF triad is something a lot of people seek, and I don't understand why it's such a popular idea. Did you hear about the concept somewhere? Was it something you thought of independently? Did anything lead up to the idea for you?

kdt26417 said:

Re (from MelissaBriana):


Personally I think the key here is to establish a platonic friendship with her before mentioning anything romantic or poly to her. That friendship would be a foundation you could build on without freaking her out.

But I was still hoping you could answer my question: How did you get the idea to bring a woman into a relationship with you and your husband? The MFF triad is something a lot of people seek, and I don't understand why it's such a popular idea. Did you hear about the concept somewhere? Was it something you thought of independently? Did anything lead up to the idea for you?

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I can guess...its the same reason every couple wants a mff triad. Wife is bi or bicurious, her husband likes the idea of threesomes, neither partner is comfortable with the idea of the other getting all the sexy fun without being present so they decide to "share".

The scary thing about the original poster is how she says she doesn't need instruction on polyamory. She may as well kiss her marriage goodbye if that's her attitude. Few things will fuck up a relationship faster than jumping in head first into the nonmonogamy pool without serious reading and introspection. A cavalier attitude and starting a unicorn hunt in your workplace just SCREAMS of catastrophe. Don't believe us? READ all of the failed poly and triad attempts with people such as yourself with the same attitude and lack of knowledge. Oh well...there is no better instructor than a mistake...I just hope nobody gets hurt in the process.o