Finding the end of my partners NRE challenging.

My wife is in her 1st poly/open relationship and you can read about our journey, here http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73017

As things have become stable, I feel that her NRE ended this week and she is in her words "normalizing" the relationship. After such an exciting (and for me sometimes difficult) time I feel a bit lost, as may her OSO. I can understand that she does not want "teenage" behaviour to go on for ever. I know that she has to work this out with her OSO about how much time they can actually spend together and the depth of their respective commitment to each other.

However, I am struggling not to interfere. I feel that I have given up a lot to let them get together, and I can see them possibly making mistakes and its hard to keep my mouth shut, although I do generally.

How do other people cope with their SOs relationship issues. For example now that NRE seems over for her, she has commented to me that one or two things he has done/not done have irritated her (as happens in any relationship). As an outsider the solutions seem simple. As her SO I could easily be her advocate and have a quiet word with her OSO and say hey, "next time she visits, make sure the linen has been changed" or "make sure the kitchen is cleaned". I can see them making errors, he is a friend, she is a lover. Keeping my mouth shut is hard. Selfishly perhaps I feel I have sacrificed a lot, so they better not f&%k it up.

zigzag said:

My wife is in her 1st poly/open relationship and you can read about our journey, here http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73017

As things have become stable, I feel that her NRE ended this week and she is in her words "normalizing" the relationship. After such an exciting (and for me sometimes difficult) time I feel a bit lost, as may her OSO. I can understand that she does not want "teenage" behaviour to go on for ever. I know that she has to work this out with her OSO about how much time they can actually spend together and the depth of their respective commitment to each other.

However, I am struggling not to interfere. I feel that I have given up a lot to let them get together, and I can see them possibly making mistakes and its hard to keep my mouth shut, although I do generally.

How do other people cope with their SOs relationship issues. For example now that NRE seems over for her, she has commented to me that one or two things he has done/not done have irritated her (as happens in any relationship). As an outsider the solutions seem simple. As her SO I could easily be her advocate and have a quiet word with her OSO and say hey, "next time she visits, make sure the linen has been changed" or "make sure the kitchen is cleaned". I can see them making errors, he is a friend, she is a lover. Keeping my mouth shut is hard. Selfishly perhaps I feel I have sacrificed a lot, so they better not f&%k it up.

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Keep your yap shut...

DO NOT stick your nose into her relationship with her OSO. It is not your place to be her advocate with him. It is her relationship SHE needs to speak up.

Dagferi said:

Keep your yap shut...

DO NOT stick your nose into her relationship with her OSO. It is not your place to be her advocate with him. It is her relationship SHE needs to speak up.

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Oh, boy! This!!

Djinn is my best friend, Mal is her husband and my partner. It is super easy for me to fall into that trap, and a trap it is!

I find the best thing I can do is ask "have you discussed that with him/her? Do you think you should?" And then leave it alone. It the same issue arises again I might up the game with a "this really seems to bug you, you should discuss it with him/her, as well as me".

Avoid triangulating the communication as much as you can. Triangulation is ripe for abuse stay far away from it!

Hi zigzag,

Re (from OP):

"How do other people cope with their SO's relationship issues?"

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I am in a V. My two companions are a married couple. Sometimes my partner (the hinge of the V) tells me about something her husband (the other leg of the V) is doing that is frustrating her. I have learned (by trial and error) that she isn't looking for advice when she tells me these things. The most helpful thing I can usually do is ask her questions so that I can understand the situation better, such as having a better appreciation for why her husband does what he does. And I can say things like, "I can see how that would be frustrating." That helps. But it doesn't help for me to give advice unless she specifically asks for my advice (heh, which rarely happens).

I would advise you to do likewise. No matter how sure you are that you know what your wife should do, don't give her that advice unless she specifically asks for your advice. Otherwise, let her figure things out in her own time and her own way. Offer sympathy, understanding, and a listening ear. Don't give advice unbidden except as a last resort if things are truly desperate. (And you'll probably find that even then, your advice won't be very well received.)

The same goes for your OSO. Delivering unbidden advice to him is a proposition even shakier than delivering unbidden advice to your wife. If you do it, do it with the utmost caution. These are problems between your OSO and your wife, and the two of them need to learn how to communicate with each other and work things out. Be careful that you don't swoop down and rescue them from that vital learning process.

Yes, there is a risk that they could break up. But if their relationship is worth saving, it's worth saving as a strong and healthy relationship, not as a relationship that depends on your repeated intervention. This is strictly my opinion and you'll have to decide for yourself whether any of it helps.

Regards,
Kevin T.

She is a grown-up, is she not? She is perfectly capable of managing her own relationships. You just worry about managing yours. It would be highly inappropriate and would seem to say that you don't trust her to handle her own shit, if you interfere and instruct him in what he "should" be doing. Essentially, her other relationship is none of your business.

You may, however, tell her the truth - that she needs to stop complaining to you or over-sharing info about her OSO because it makes you crazy. Tell her you keep having to fight the urge to step in and try to fix things for her, and you know you shouldn't, so -- for now -- you need her to confide in someone else if she needs to get stuff off her chest about him.

I'll give you a tip, though. Most women tend to want to talk things out just to have someone listen to them, to vent, or work it out when they hear their own thoughts spoken out loud. Men tend to put themselves in the position of rescuer, trying to fix things or offering solutions. When all a woman needs is to be heard, being "rescued" is supremely annoying - and sometimes even feels insulting. Lend an ear and trust that she can handle whatever the issues are. I am sure she will let you know if she wants your help with something.

I've commented on this sort of thing various times in my time here (but, of course, I can't recall when or where).

Our situation is somewhat similar in that I am in a relationship with my husband's best friend - a sexual Vee, but in a lot of ways we function as a triad. We also live together so relationships issues in one dyad do tend to affect the uninvolved person, and you can't help but observe how the others interact.

I do think that you have to tread very carefully if you choose to give advise. MrS is absolutely GREAT at this. In general, he keeps his mouth shut and lets Dude and I work things out for ourselves - telling us to pipe down if our heated debates are disturbing his sleep. (It might help to know that Dude and I are both "alpha" types and have some stupid urge to be "right", ALL the time. MrS is a go-along-get-along-"no-worries" type) There have been very, very few occasions where he has felt the need to "step in" at all.

The few cases I recall: 1.) I am very good at arguing...and vindictively pushing people's buttons to rile them (which is not a pretty trait). I can get sarcastic, patronizing and downright nasty at times. I remember one instance when Dude and I were arguing when MrS asked to speak with me privately. He said something along the lines of: I love you and care about you both, and I know that you love and care about each other. This particular issue is clearly a trigger for Dude. I fear that if you continue in this vein that you are both going to say and do things that you later regret. If you are going to continue - then I need to ask that you take the discussion elsewhere, because it hurts me to hear this. 2.) Dude and I got into a serious argument because I had specifically requested that he not engage in a certain behavior in a particular time and location. This was VERY important to me and a minor inconvenience to him (which I thought he agreed to when I made the arrangements, or I would have made different arrangements). He didn't see why this would be important to anyone in anyway and was offended that I would inconvenience him in this way and was set to engage in this behavior anyway. At one point, MrS turned to Dude and said something along the lines of: Clearly you don't think that this is important and she does. This is very, very important to her - WHY are you being so disrespectful? How often does she really ask anything like this of you?

MrS and I rarely get into serious disagreements, but, when we do, it's bad. Dude invariably tries to add his two cents (because he has two cents to add to ANY conversation) - and gets shut down by both of us. ("Dude, this is not your fight - your opinion is NOT wanted.")

Interestingly, Lotus and I have no problems discussing our relationships with each of the boys even though we are both lover-friends and metamours. We are careful to explore and respect boundaries with regards to TMI. While we are all on board with openness, honesty and a "no secrets" policy, Dude and Lotus are more of the "everything, every detail is shareable" variety and MrS and I are more "private" individuals. ("private" =/= "secret").

Don't know if any of these ramblings help - it really depends on the people involved and the relationship dynamics at play, as well as your own personal ethics. If you saw a random stranger acting like a jerk, would you call them on it?

Really, a million thanks for the advice. Which is very consistent and is what I am doing, but its nice to have your actions and thoughts validated.

Its just not something that I had imagined would be an issue when we embarked on this journey.

zigzag said:

Its just not something that I had imagined would be an issue when we embarked on this journey.

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Oh, a poly life is full of surprises, that's for sure. And there is no way to know what will or won't be an issue until it hits you. Believe me, you are not alone in finding surprises alongside the poly path!