Commitment

Looking for commitment ceremony ideas and counsel.

My boyfriend, known here as PunkRockAwesomesauce, has been bringing up the idea of having a commitment ceremony. This has always been something I wanted, as we are a polyfi V and symbols are important to me. However, I feel rather at a loss whenever I think of planning something. I am excited at the idea, but when I start to look at online offerings, I give up quickly.

I am fairly sure we are going to do something privately, as my extended family won't even mention my boyfriend's name. He says his family would attend, but I am not so sure. In the last couple of days, he's mentioned going to Key West twice. We both love water, and I was born and raised in Florida, so I am open to that idea. If we went there, we would definitely elope. More than likely we will.

But, then I get stuck. Do we get dressed up and hire an officiant? Do we just join hands on a beach someplace alone? I start getting anxious about planning things WRONG. I am thinking that it would be nice to have my children present (youngest is 17) and my husband. But maybe not. Is that strange?

So, I would like to hear about others' commitment ceremonies, and how they were held. Thank you.

My partner and I have been planning for a long time. I've always imagined it would be a simple and elegant wedding, like any other. Probably no minister, though. But how could you possibly do it wrong? ??

There is at least one thread here with ideas on commitment ceremonies. Let me find it...

Commitment Ceremonies/Weddings

For me, part of the symbolism of a commitment ceremony is that it's public. That doesn't mean it has to be huge, but it definitely means witnesses.

I would definitely want my husband and others that I am close to there. Parents, if they were supportive, kids, siblings, and chosen family. That's what I would personally do.

I wonder if your husband could act as officiant in a way? Kind of combine the "giving away the bride" and "making it legit" aspects of a wedding to include the man you've already committed to for life?

Those are my thoughts of the moment. I've never gotten anywhere close to having a poly commitment ceremony, so kudos!

I don't want anyone giving me away, as I feel like I belong to me - so I get to do that. My husband is a huge introvert, so if we had a more public ceremony, I'm not sure he would be comfortable with the spotlight on him. However, I would be happy with him there, supporting me. For sure.

I guess I am struggling with legitimacy. I don't think my extended family will ever view this relationship as valid, and even a wedding prolly won't sway them. That makes me sad. and if a public commitment doesn't mean anything to them, then I guess I question why should I bother with it? Why not go and do something that I find meaningful? And just he and I, together, well, that feels right. I do want pictures, so that will be a cost, but otherwise I'd rather sink money into a big fun-filled honeymoon.

My husband and I eloped to Boston, and I was sad that my kids didn't get to attend. But now I am 10 years older, and they are mostly grown, so that isn't as much of an issue to me anymore. That said, I think I will ask my oldest daughter when she is here at Thanksgiving, her opinion. She might actually have a lot to say! She is 24.

I agree with the public aspect. If you're not "declaring" something in front of people then what's the point? I'd also think and officiant would go a long way in making it feel legitimate.

Re (from Bluebird):

"Do we get dressed up and hire an officiant?"

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When my V handfasted, we did it all ourselves. No officiant. But really, it's fine to go with or without.

We did dress up for the occasion. Seemed to be the appropriate thing to do. No wedding dresses or tuxedos, just your average "Sunday dress." We did it completely in private, but we tried to keep it formal.

Oh, and we exchanged vows between all three of us, even though Brother-Husband and Snowbunny were already legally married. Brother-Husband and I even exchanged vows with each other, even though our connection is platonic.

Oh, and we put rings on each other's fingers while exchanging these vows. Since each of us was receiving promises from two other people, the first of the two only slid the ring partway onto our finger, then the second of the two slid the ring on the rest of the way.

But we weren't following any rulebook, and you don't have to either. (Each of us three composed our own vows.)

Re:

"I start getting anxious about planning things *wrong.*"

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Ha. There's no need to worry about that. There's no wrong way to do this. All's that matters is that you do it the way that you want. That's my opinion anyway.

Re:

"I am thinking that it would be nice to have my children present (youngest is 17) and my husband. But maybe not. Is that strange?"

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Haha, you're talking about having a polyamorous commitment ceremony, and you're wondering if certain details might be "strange." Too late; you're already in nonmonogamous land. "Strange" is now the order of the day.

Re (from Bluebird):

"I guess I am struggling with legitimacy."

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D'ope, you're out of luck. The legal system of the United States doesn't recognize polyamorous unions. In fact in some States, it might be technically illegal (due to its marriage-like appearance). And I don't think any churches would help you make it legitimate either. The only legitimacy you can give the ceremony is what you give with your own heart. Which, in the end, I guess, is good enough.

Of course you might be able to get a pagan officiant, if that helps.

Re (from WhatToDo):

"If you're not 'declaring' something in front of people then what's the point?"

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For me, the point was that we were declaring it in front of each other.

kdt26417 said:

For me, the point was that we were declaring it in front of each other.

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This. Chops and I handfast each year at the same time. We re-write our vows (for lack of a better term - they're not really vows, per se), and just generally have a very meaningful and emotional ceremony with just the two of us. It's pretty powerful that way, to be honest. No hoopdie doo needed.

Even if I were to ever marry again, I'd want the same thing - just the two of us and some sort of officiant. The party can happen later.

The only legitimacy you can give the ceremony is what you give with your own heart. Which, in the end, I guess, is good enough.

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Yep. What I meant here, is that I struggle with the idea that no matter how strong and meaningful our relationship is to us, others will always see it as being less than the partnership I have with my husband. That makes me feel very sad.

I guess what I need to focus on is what will make this ceremony important to me. All the frou-frou is just not needed. I too, feel like witnesses are just extra. What matters is that we are declaring our intentions to each other.

I think I am going to make a list of what is important to me, and ask PunkRockAwesomesauce to do the same. Things I want:

----PunkRock to wear a wedding ring - this symbol is important to me.
----Special outfits - I think dressing "nicer" puts a person in a different frame of mind and makes the event more formal. Not necessarily a gown & tux, but something new
----Vows - I want to frame in my own words what our relationship means to me
----Tattoos - I want a tattoo that symbolizes my love for him (we might do this way before the ceremony)
----Moving water - being connected to the earth & to nature at this time is what I want
----Photos - I want nice pictures so I can share them with friends and family, to say, this is what we did, this is what polyfi means to us
----An officiant of some sort, a friend maybe, IF we do a handfasting

Thanks everyone for helping me sort through this!

I am still open to hearing about other commitment ceremonies.

Even though my V is nowhere near the commitment stage (S2 and I've only been together 4 months, and his divorce from his ex-wife isn't even final yet; he's still learning how to not be married to her, and so is far from ready to make that level of commitment to anyone else), I've given some thought to how I would want a commitment ceremony to go if one ever became appropriate...

I don't know that an officiant would be necessary. It would be nice to have someone play that role, just to guide the ceremony and have things seem more real, but it could just as easily be a close friend who knows what's going on rather than someone truly "official."

I would want S2 and me to exchange some type of statements of commitment (i.e. vows); I would also want him and Hubby to exchange promises to respect and accept each other's roles in my life.

Assuming all the kids knew by that point, I would want them to be present, just like I wanted Alt and Country present when I married Hubby. (They were my maids of honor.)

I would want other close friends and family present, but only the ones who have already accepted the relationship. Anyone who didn't know about the relationship, or had expressed that they didn't accept it, would not be welcome.

I would want S2 and me to each begin wearing something that symbolizes the commitment, but not necessarily rings, and not necessarily something anyone else would recognize. Just something that *we* would understand as being that symbol.

Haha! I talked to PunkRock this morning and he said absolutely no formal clothing. In the next breath he said he wanted to wear a top hat and a grey long coat with tails. He said he would like to see me in a floaty floor length summery sort of dress. Yeah, he is sort of not sure on the definition of what formal is!

He was amiable to hand fasting but I am going to continue to look for other ideas because both of us are strong on not wanting any sort of religious component in our vows to each other.

I think we have settled on May. We didn't plan to take an expensive trip this coming year, but he seems to be really really happy and upbeat about planning things, so maybe we will make it happen. I would be just as happy with May 2016 though.

He definitely has an interesting idea of "not formal"! lol

When Hubby and I got married, the ceremony was done by a Justice of the Peace, and since Hubby's an atheist, we were very clear on there not even being any references to God, let alone any type of religious overtone. We had to have an officiant so the marriage would be legal, I guess... S2 is agnostic, so if we ever did any type of ceremony, it would have to be the same way.

Re (from Bluebird):

"I struggle with the idea that no matter how strong and meaningful our relationship is to us, others will always see it as being less than the partnership I have with my husband. That makes me feel very sad."

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Yeah, it's a rip-off. I know it. I'm the "less than" partner in my V, as Brother-Husband and Snowbunny are the ones who are legally married. And then, we're in the closet too, so most of the time I have to pretend like I'm only a friend -- or informally adopted family at the most. Most people don't see me as a "husband" to Snowbunny. About the only exceptions are Polyamory.com members and people from the Albuquerque poly group.

Society has a backward perception of what marriage is, and change in widespread perception is a difficult process. I don't think poly marriage will make any headway until same-sex marriage wins in all 50 States. And even then it'll take quite awhile.

Re: religious wording ... my V didn't conform to any one religion, but we did use spiritual language, such as the mention of God and eternity. I referred to God as "Infinite Radiant Is" -- straight from Richard Bach's book "Illusions" -- and I applied a template style to my vows that made them sound somewhat Mormon. A hat tip (if you will) to my Mormon past.

Sounds like you guys are starting to build your plans. I'm sure it will be a happy and memorable occasion.

Congratulations!

That's so great that you're taking this step!

It sounds like you know what's important/symbolic to you, so I'd say sit down with your partner and list all the things that are important to both of you, and just brainstorm. You can't do this wrong.

Also think about what the purpose of the ceremony will be. is it just for yourselves? Is it important to you that your community be present and hold your relationship as a community?

My partner and I have talked about getting non-legally married, in a small ceremony at Burning Man. The purpose would be for us to make our commitment in front of our communities, and to offer up our relationship in service to those communities. We already know we're committed to one another, but both of us consider community very important.

I'm sure it will come off wonderfully.

Also think about what the purpose of the ceremony will be. is it just for yourselves? Is it important to you that your community be present and hold your relationship as a community?

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Well, I don't believe we have a community, per se. It may be important to PunkRock to have some of his family present, and I like the idea of my family being there, but it isn't a requirement on my end. We cannot have a ceremony in Maryland, at all, and I don't believe many of our friends and/or family would travel far to witness our marriage. As supportive as people have been, I still feel as though many of them see this as superfluous - that I am already married to DarkKnight, so this is just ridiculous that we want to celebrate a secondary commitment. A part of me is anxious about that, because it isn't secondary in my heart, at all. So, I would rather elope and just be together, and have this amazing man all to myself.

I feel I do need a ceremony, before I would be comfortable being called PunkRock's wife. He has said on a couple of occasions that he is fine with calling me that now, but I am not. There needs to be a marker of some sort, in my mind. Certainly all of the joint bank accounts and interconnecting of our health care and living wills, and now life insurance is providing some of that for me. But an actual commitment ceremony is what I want, even if it is just the two of us under the stars someplace.