Commitment Ceremonies/Weddings (consolidated thread)

My partners and I are planning on having a wedding/commitment ceremony in September. We are having trouble searching for a wedding officiant. Has anyone had a commitment ceremony, and if so, how did you find a person to perform the ceremony? This is the most important first step for us in planning our special day. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

When I used to entertain fantasies of being married, I thought about this a lot. I went on a date to a wedding once, and we met the minister after, at the reception. She had only met the couple the night before, and was showing us a book she had of different ceremonies. (It was a beautiful leather notebook.) It made me feel very sad. I realized that I would never want to be married by someone who didn't know me, and likely they would have to know me pretty well.

Since your commitment isn't going to be legally recognized, and not likely recognized by any religious institution, you could have anyone do it. Do the three of you have a dear friend who might be interested or qualified? If you were considering having someone be a best man or maid of honor, perhaps it would be better to have them officiate. It's easy enough to be ordained by the Universal Life Church. (I am. I am also ordained by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster [Parmesan be upon him] which I absolutely love, and I think would be perfect for a poly commitment.) If ordination is the sort of thing that's important to you.

You could search for wedding ceremonies online, and you could even conduct your own. You could have each one, in turn, read whatever, and make your promises to each other.

When my mom and step-dad got married, they had the congregation affirm their support for the union, in a sort of call and response. I absolutely adored that, and should I ever, I want to incorporate that.

I would think any officiant who does commitment ceremonies (if same-sex marriage isn't legal where you live) would probably be open to this. A lot of UU churches are poly-friendly, so if there is a UU congregation near you, that may be an avenue to look into.

For our wedding, we did a semi-traditional Christian ceremony, but also had a handfasting in the middle of it. The pastor wasn't familiar with that (shocking, right?) so we had the best man (his cousin) do the actual tying, while the maid of honor (my sister) read the meaning of everything that was going on.

So, it depends on whether you want it to be someone ordained or not. Since it isn't going to be legally recognized, that isn't really required, and you could pick someone who knows you very well to personalize it. There is all kinds of info online about various ceremony styles, so that you and/or the chosen officiant can choose aspects that fit you.

NovemberRain said:

Since your commitment isn't going to be legally recognized, and not likely recognized by any religious institution, you could have anyone do it. Do the three of you have some dear friend?

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Agree. Anyone you know who's a good public speaker and/or very eloquent? That'd be the only criteria, I'd imagine.

I agree, anyone you care about, who speaks well, could officiate.

There are many ceremony resources online.

My Sunshine and I used to be altar boys. (Well, I was the first girl to do it, so they changed it to "mass servers.") I hope to persuade our former priest to officiate. He left the priesthood to get married himself, so he may be up to it. I hope so. I won't ask until after my divorce and annulment are in, though Sunshine will still also be happily married.

Handfastings, alternatives to traditional weddings

I need some advice from those with knowledge of alternative wedding ceremonies.

I've tried googling and researching, but all I seem to be able to find religious, superstitious, or Wiccan-based alternatives to traditional marriage.

We want to have a ceremony that simply represents us and our bond and unification, with regard to the fact that this is a poly relationship. We do not want to involve any form of religion or superstition whatsoever.

So here are my questions:

What is an historically accurate handfasting that does not involve Wiccan beliefs or the beliefs or any one religion? Please keep in mind I know nothing about handfasting other than what I have read via google, and so far it just seems silly to me, or too intensely belief-based.

I am French/Irish and my fiance is Scottish. I'd like to incorporate non-superstitious/religion-based traditions from these cultures into the ceremony, but am very unfamiliar. Suggestions?

Are there any other types of alternative ceremonies?

I am not the type of person who likes to make up my own thing, lol. I am looking for at least a mold to follow that I can tweak with ideas from other ceremonies and put it all into one gorgeous ceremony.

I do know that I will be wearing a traditional wedding dress and my fiance a tux.

My husband is still unsure about if he wants a role or not, so I need suggestions in that department.

I'm open to any and all suggestions. But let me mention once more that all suggestions should be free of religion, belief and superstition. Our ceremony is simply about love and making the commitment to spend our lives together honestly and freely.

Thanks.

Here are a few notes and links I put together for my ceremony next year:

http://www.squidoo.com/Handfasting-Wedding-Ritual

The Colours of Handfasting
In the traditions of Celtic handfasting, the couple's wrists are bound together using ribbons of thirteen different colours. Each colour has its own special meaning:

Red: passion, strength, lust, fertility
Orange: encouragement, attraction, kindness, plenty
Yellow: charm, confidence, joy, balance
Green: finances, fertility, charity, prosperity, health
Blue: tranquility, patience, devotion, sincerity
Purple: Power, piety, sanctity, sentimentality
Black: strength, wisdom, vision, success
White: purity, concentration, meditation, peace
Gray: neutrality, canceling, balance
Pink: unity, honor, truth, romance, happiness
Brown: earth, grounding, talent, telepathy, home
Silver: treasure, values, creativity, inspiration
Gold: energy, wealth, intelligence, longevity

http://www.officiantguy.com/handfastingceremony.html

You might be interested in reading about marriages that don't require an "official" to preside. Not all states allow such marriages, but since you are already married to someone else, it seems as though the legality is irrelevant.

My MIL and SIL were both married under a "Quaker license" in Pennsylvania, which allows two people to marry themselves without a third party (Wikipedia article on "Self-uniting Marriage"). Perhaps your husband would be interested in being a narrator/master of ceremonies at such a wedding, introducing you and explaining the nature of the ceremony, and lending his blessing to the event?

JaneQ

Look for Humanist Celebrants (or Officiants) in your area. Most Humanists are secular, although there is a branch of Spiritual Humanists, but the officiants usually write the ceremony according to what you want. Go here to find a Humanist Celebrant: http://humanist-society.org/celebrants/

You could also look for someone affiliated with the Society for Ethical Culture. Go here to find links to local Societies: http://www.nysec.org/links

We incorporated a sand ceremony into our wedding. It was a traditional wedding overall, but the sand ceremony can be done in any context.

http://people.howstuffworks.com/culture-traditions/cultural-traditions/sand-ceremony.htm

You can also go through the whole "official wedding" process, just without the license and officiator. Change the vows as necessary to match your arrangement.

There seems to be some good info here: http://www.nonreligiousweddings.com/handfasting.html

New Husband

I have been proposed to by a couple and look forward to joining them soon. I have been crafting a ceremony with vows and symbols. I would be pleased to hear from other families about their experiences and ideas for a ceremony.

In ours, so far, he presents her to me and we three pledge love and respect, then he steps back and my union with her is finalized.

Ideas, scripts, and vow language are welcome.

Writing vows is so hard. It took me forever to write mine. The kids finally started making fun of me, and a suggestion to say, "Hey, I showed up, didn't I?" was passed around. So, unfortunately, I can't help with that.

But I will say Congrats! It sounds very romantic.

Hello Harborman,
Welcome to our forum.

I hope your ceremony goes very well. Check out the links NYCindie suggested, and let us know if you have any questions.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you for those links. The handfasting one is particularly inspiring. The development of vows is proving to be a valuable part of our journey and helps us vocalize feelings and understandings.

Harborman said:

Thank you for those links. The handfasting one is particularly inspiring. The development of vows is proving to be a valuable part of our journey and helps us vocalize feelings and understandings.

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You're welcome. I just wanted to also say that I was married in a Unitarian Church and the pastor gave us a copy of his standard "script" for a marriage ceremony. I took that and adjusted it to what we wanted, and inserted our vows in there. There were certain things he had to leave in, certain things I wanted, and certain things my husband wanted. In the end, we were all happy. So, maybe you can visit a church and ask for a copy of their ceremony, or do an internet search for a template to use as a jumping-off point.

One thing I will share about my wedding, which I think could totally work for a wedding of three people: a wine ceremony.

The wine ceremony
My husband had insisted that we both take a sip of wine out of the same glass at some point. I thought it might be a little hokey, but agreed. I then investigated and saw that lots of couples light a "unity candle" together at the wedding, but I think that is even hokier. I am just not a candle person. But I also thought, "Okay, we light this thing, but then someone has to blow it out," and all we have is smoke. How anti-climactic, in my opinion. But I realized that having some sort of ritual that the marrying people do as a symbol of their pledges to each other was very appealing to me, so I was glad my hubs suggested the wine.

Drinking wine together, our first sips as married people, it becomes a part of us, and that was meaningful to me. And then it was a lot of fun to look for a special goblet for that, and I did find a beautiful big one with silver and gold details. It was on a little table we had dressed up with flowers during the ceremony before we did the ritual. (We married in a small chapel.) We bought sweet red wine for it, so it would be okay sitting at room temperature up to that point. And I found a passage for the pastor to read while we did that. So, we included that, and to be honest, that is the moment I recall most vividly (and not just because I was worried about spilling red wine on my ivory dress).

It took place after we exchanged vows and rings, but before we were pronounced married. The moment was beautiful, and I could definitely see that type of ritual shared by three people.

I just looked my wedding program on my other computer and found what the pastor read:

Instead of a unity candle, my niece and her husband each poured a different color sand into a bottle at the same time, so it all co-mingled. Then I, as the officiant, popped the cork in. It was supposed to be a symbol that although they remain themselves, separate people (by using different colors), they were choosing to blend their lives together. It was really moving, and I could see that working for more-than-two also.

I saw the sand ceremony and it would seem to work with with three colors.

Hey all,

I found an old thread on this topic (2010ish), but haven't seen anything more recent.

My husband and I proposed to our girlfriend of one year. She said yes!

We are in the midst of trying to plan a ceremony, but we have nothing. C, my husband, wants something more traditional. He thinks it will make it more real for those in attendance. W, our fiancee, would prefer a getaway on a beach or something. I would prefer something somewhere in the middle.

Questions I have:
1. What kind of readings are recommended? None of us are religious.
2. What kinds of vows do you suggest?
3. Does anyone have any unique commitment traditions they would recommend?
4. What about appearance? I know this one is silly, but what would the three of us wear?
5. Do we have anybody stand with us as our wedding party?

I'm really just fielding the internet for suggestions, so any help is appreciated. Thanks!

It's your relationship. Do anything you want.

Not experienced with poly, weddings, but might this help.

1) What's your budget? The traditional wedding isn't wallet-friendly. Figure out what is reasonable to spend first, and then work around that.

2) What parts of the wedding matter most to everyone? Get from everyone a list of must-haves before deciding on style. For instance, someone might want to get their hair done all nice at a salon, which needs to be budgeted and accounted for in the overall tone of the wedding. If no one particularly cares for booze, that could go out the window to make room for more desired things. This might work a long way on compromise.

3) Is confirming that this is a relationship the only reason for a traditional wedding? It might be more beneficial to have the reception be causal and the ceremony be formal to get the best of both worlds. (Or the opposite, I suppose.) But consider making arrangements for time to change, a place to change, and possible travel between the two areas, if there are two areas. Also make sure to know how to tell everyone clearly the plan for such, if done.

4) Alternatively, figure out if any traditions come from one of the three sides that people want, or might help reinforce the idea of a stable, long-term relationship. Something more personal might work than other traditions, unless you happen to be the sort of household to make new traditions.

5) Fancy up the invitations. If you need to reinforce what is going on, put it smack dab on the piece of paper and the save the date card.

6) Invite people from all three families. If they are confused, at least they can be confused together! Consider giving a reading to all three branches, if possible.

7) I'd avoid having anyone stand up with you. People might get a little confused, in particular if you are wearing different styles of dresses to account for taste and different appearances. The exception might be a flower girl and/or ringbearer. Some people (and the kids in question) really enjoy this, and it's easy to distinguish them from the actual participants.