I have two ethical dilemmas to describe to you, and I would request your opinion of what the right solutions would be. I will post my own opinion after a few responses have trickled in.
In polyamory, we tend to emphasize the importance of consent in concert with full knowledge of what's going on. Without full knowledge, true consent is not possible because someone doesn't know what they're really consenting to. Keep this in mind when reading and considering these two dilemmas.
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Dilemma #1: A Monogamous Ending
Richard and Barbara were high school sweethearts, have been married for about ten years, and are both about thirty years old. They have a mutually satisfying marriage and two beautiful children. Richard, for his part, wouldn't trade what he has for anything in the world.
Yet, as humans are sometimes wont to do, Richard runs into an old flame, someone he used to love in middle school. Her name is Madison. He and she lost contact with each other when her family moved far away, and somewhere in his heart he always felt a missing spot where Madison used to be.
Richard and Madison catch up on their years of separation, and find that they have more in common than ever. They also find that they still have romantic feelings for one another -- or that they are developing a new set of romantic feelings that are more adult and sophisticated than when they were young teens. Madison did get married but it was a short marriage and she has been divorced for several years.
Well as you might imagine, Richard and Madison find themselves easing down the slippery slope towards a full-fledged secret affair. They know nothing about polyamory and never intend for things to go as far as they go, but first there is an exchanging of emails, then meetings over coffee, then walks in the park, then theater movies, then TV at Madison's apartment, then snuggling, then kissing, then fondling, then intercourse. They don't race down this slippery slope; they ease down it a little at a time. It makes it easy for Richard to think he doesn't need to bother Barbara about it at first, and by the time Richard realizes things have become serious enough that he needs to tell Barbara, they've also become so serious that he no longer dares to tell Barbara.
The affair (now full-fledged) continues for about a year. Richard is torn over what to do. He feels worse and worse about doing Barbara wrong, and more and more afraid that Barbara will discover the affair which would be a disaster.
Finally, with a heavy heart, Richard tells Madison that he has to stop seeing her. She weeps as he breaks the news to her, but she understands why he has to do it. The affair ends, and Richard and Madison basically stop contacting each other. It's too painful for them to break up unless they break up completely.
For awhile, Richard feels better about being faithful to Barbara. He's no longer having an affair behind her back. His full attention is now once again being turned 100% toward her and the kids. Despite the ache in his heart over losing Madison, he feels that things turned out as well as they could have, and that everyone dodged the bullet.
But in time, a new dilemma begins to form in Richard's mind. He begins to wonder if he should tell Barbara about the affair after all. Even if it's something that would never happen again, the hard truth is that Barbara no longer knows who she's married to. She thinks she's married to a man who's always been faithful to her. In truth, she's married to a man who cheated on her, and she doesn't know that. Would she stay married to him if she did know? The only way to find out is to tell her what he did. In the meantime, no one can really know whether she truly consents to this continuing marriage, because she doesn't have the full knowledge necessary to give her consent. That choice is being taken away from her.
Should Richard tell Barbara about the affair he had with Madison? The benefit would be that if their marriage survived, it would be a more honest marriage, based on full consent with both parties having all of the facts.
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Dilemma #2: A Polyamorous Ending
Let's start with the exact same scenario that we used in Dilemma #1. However, let's add a twist to the way things play out.
Let's say that during Richard and Madison's secret affair, they find out about polyamory. Their hearts are imbued with new hope as they see how this might end up happily for everyone.
Richard tells Barbara what he has learned about polyamory. He admits that he and Madison have been reconnecting, but he doesn't confess to the full seriousness of their affair. He only says that he and Madison have been realizing that they have feelings for each other.
Richard asks Barbara to consider a polyamorous scenario in which she, Richard, and Madison merge into an FMF V. Richard will be the hinge of the V. Barbara and Madison will be the legs of the V. And hey if Barbara and Madison develop more than a platonic relationship with each other, that's wonderful too. But Richard just proposes a V for now.
Needless to say, this news does not come easily to Barbara. She cries and feels somewhat betrayed. She asks Richard to cool the jets in his relationship with Madison until Barbara has some time to think. Richard agrees, apologizes about the hurt he has caused, and tells Barbara to take as much time as she needs. He offers to answer any questions she may have.
But Richard doesn't summon up the strength and courage to truly come clean and abide by Barbara's wishes (and neither does Madison). Instead, Richard and Madison continue to conduct their full-fledged affair, while hoping that Barbara will say yes to a polyamorous arrangement.
Well, about a year later, after much research and many difficult discussions with Richard, Barbara finally decides that she is okay with the polyamorous idea, and agrees to it. She feels like she can trust Richard and Madison, which helps her to open her mind and heart to the whole thing.
So, a polyamorous V is born. Barbara, Richard, and Madison have a lovely handfasting ceremony and promise to love and cherish each other for years and years to come. The children have grown to love being around Madison and are happy to have her join their household. She is like a special aunt to them.
The only problem is that Richard and Madison's fully romantic and sexual relationship has never really changed during this whole time. So while Barbara believes the handfasting is the point in time when Richard and Madison started having intercourse, the truth is that Richard and Madison have already been doing that for a year.
Nonetheless, a very happy polyamorous family blooms from the shadows of the once-was affair. Years go by, and the three adults (and their children) grow to be quite happy and content with their whole situation.
Except that Barbara doesn't know what she really consented to. She thought she consented to the beginning of a sexual and romantic relationship between Richard and Madison. She doesn't realize that she actually unwittingly consented to the continuation of a sexual and romantic relationship between Richard and Madison.
The more Richard thinks about it, the more he realizes that Barbara's consent was based on a lie, and thus, there is more than a little bit of question about whether Barbara consented at all. Was she ever given the opportunity to truly consent?
Eventually, Richard confronts himself with the question that I now ask you: Should Richard tell Barbara about the continuing affair he had with Madison before the handfasting? The benefit would be that if their V survived, it would be a more honest V, based on full consent with all three parties having all the facts.
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Now why would Richard hesitate for one moment to tell Barbara the truth, once he had realized that the truth needed to be told? Well, one reason would be that it would hurt Barbara terribly. In fact it would hurt the whole family. It would likely lead to a traumatic divorce. Who knows how it might affect the kids.
Leaving things the way they are has the benefit of "ignorance is bliss." Sure Barbara is making uninformed decisions by giving (and continuing) her consent, but since it's not hurting her in practical terms, does that make it okay? Indeed, does that make it the higher moral road to travel in this particular situation?
Thus concludes the ethical dilemmas I wanted to describe to you. If you are willing to share, I would like to know what your opinion is about what Richard should do.
Now I know it's obvious that Richard just should have been 100% honest with Barbara right from the beginning. But if, for argument's sake, we overlook or forgive his initial (year or more of) dishonesty, what should we advise him to do in the very end, after the scenarios have completely played out in the way I've described them above?
And of course, if there's any additional thoughts you want to add, I would be more than willing to receive them. For example, what does all of this say about honesty in general? Does it say that sometimes there are gray areas? Are there any alterations to the story (e.g. changed ages/genders, no kids, etc.) that would change your answers/conclusions? Is there anything you'd like to say about what Madison should do (and should have done)?
I appreciate you taking the time to read and consider this post.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
In polyamory, we tend to emphasize the importance of consent in concert with full knowledge of what's going on. Without full knowledge, true consent is not possible because someone doesn't know what they're really consenting to. Keep this in mind when reading and considering these two dilemmas.
---
Dilemma #1: A Monogamous Ending
Richard and Barbara were high school sweethearts, have been married for about ten years, and are both about thirty years old. They have a mutually satisfying marriage and two beautiful children. Richard, for his part, wouldn't trade what he has for anything in the world.
Yet, as humans are sometimes wont to do, Richard runs into an old flame, someone he used to love in middle school. Her name is Madison. He and she lost contact with each other when her family moved far away, and somewhere in his heart he always felt a missing spot where Madison used to be.
Richard and Madison catch up on their years of separation, and find that they have more in common than ever. They also find that they still have romantic feelings for one another -- or that they are developing a new set of romantic feelings that are more adult and sophisticated than when they were young teens. Madison did get married but it was a short marriage and she has been divorced for several years.
Well as you might imagine, Richard and Madison find themselves easing down the slippery slope towards a full-fledged secret affair. They know nothing about polyamory and never intend for things to go as far as they go, but first there is an exchanging of emails, then meetings over coffee, then walks in the park, then theater movies, then TV at Madison's apartment, then snuggling, then kissing, then fondling, then intercourse. They don't race down this slippery slope; they ease down it a little at a time. It makes it easy for Richard to think he doesn't need to bother Barbara about it at first, and by the time Richard realizes things have become serious enough that he needs to tell Barbara, they've also become so serious that he no longer dares to tell Barbara.
The affair (now full-fledged) continues for about a year. Richard is torn over what to do. He feels worse and worse about doing Barbara wrong, and more and more afraid that Barbara will discover the affair which would be a disaster.
Finally, with a heavy heart, Richard tells Madison that he has to stop seeing her. She weeps as he breaks the news to her, but she understands why he has to do it. The affair ends, and Richard and Madison basically stop contacting each other. It's too painful for them to break up unless they break up completely.
For awhile, Richard feels better about being faithful to Barbara. He's no longer having an affair behind her back. His full attention is now once again being turned 100% toward her and the kids. Despite the ache in his heart over losing Madison, he feels that things turned out as well as they could have, and that everyone dodged the bullet.
But in time, a new dilemma begins to form in Richard's mind. He begins to wonder if he should tell Barbara about the affair after all. Even if it's something that would never happen again, the hard truth is that Barbara no longer knows who she's married to. She thinks she's married to a man who's always been faithful to her. In truth, she's married to a man who cheated on her, and she doesn't know that. Would she stay married to him if she did know? The only way to find out is to tell her what he did. In the meantime, no one can really know whether she truly consents to this continuing marriage, because she doesn't have the full knowledge necessary to give her consent. That choice is being taken away from her.
Should Richard tell Barbara about the affair he had with Madison? The benefit would be that if their marriage survived, it would be a more honest marriage, based on full consent with both parties having all of the facts.
---
Dilemma #2: A Polyamorous Ending
Let's start with the exact same scenario that we used in Dilemma #1. However, let's add a twist to the way things play out.
Let's say that during Richard and Madison's secret affair, they find out about polyamory. Their hearts are imbued with new hope as they see how this might end up happily for everyone.
Richard tells Barbara what he has learned about polyamory. He admits that he and Madison have been reconnecting, but he doesn't confess to the full seriousness of their affair. He only says that he and Madison have been realizing that they have feelings for each other.
Richard asks Barbara to consider a polyamorous scenario in which she, Richard, and Madison merge into an FMF V. Richard will be the hinge of the V. Barbara and Madison will be the legs of the V. And hey if Barbara and Madison develop more than a platonic relationship with each other, that's wonderful too. But Richard just proposes a V for now.
Needless to say, this news does not come easily to Barbara. She cries and feels somewhat betrayed. She asks Richard to cool the jets in his relationship with Madison until Barbara has some time to think. Richard agrees, apologizes about the hurt he has caused, and tells Barbara to take as much time as she needs. He offers to answer any questions she may have.
But Richard doesn't summon up the strength and courage to truly come clean and abide by Barbara's wishes (and neither does Madison). Instead, Richard and Madison continue to conduct their full-fledged affair, while hoping that Barbara will say yes to a polyamorous arrangement.
Well, about a year later, after much research and many difficult discussions with Richard, Barbara finally decides that she is okay with the polyamorous idea, and agrees to it. She feels like she can trust Richard and Madison, which helps her to open her mind and heart to the whole thing.
So, a polyamorous V is born. Barbara, Richard, and Madison have a lovely handfasting ceremony and promise to love and cherish each other for years and years to come. The children have grown to love being around Madison and are happy to have her join their household. She is like a special aunt to them.
The only problem is that Richard and Madison's fully romantic and sexual relationship has never really changed during this whole time. So while Barbara believes the handfasting is the point in time when Richard and Madison started having intercourse, the truth is that Richard and Madison have already been doing that for a year.
Nonetheless, a very happy polyamorous family blooms from the shadows of the once-was affair. Years go by, and the three adults (and their children) grow to be quite happy and content with their whole situation.
Except that Barbara doesn't know what she really consented to. She thought she consented to the beginning of a sexual and romantic relationship between Richard and Madison. She doesn't realize that she actually unwittingly consented to the continuation of a sexual and romantic relationship between Richard and Madison.
The more Richard thinks about it, the more he realizes that Barbara's consent was based on a lie, and thus, there is more than a little bit of question about whether Barbara consented at all. Was she ever given the opportunity to truly consent?
Eventually, Richard confronts himself with the question that I now ask you: Should Richard tell Barbara about the continuing affair he had with Madison before the handfasting? The benefit would be that if their V survived, it would be a more honest V, based on full consent with all three parties having all the facts.
---
Now why would Richard hesitate for one moment to tell Barbara the truth, once he had realized that the truth needed to be told? Well, one reason would be that it would hurt Barbara terribly. In fact it would hurt the whole family. It would likely lead to a traumatic divorce. Who knows how it might affect the kids.
Leaving things the way they are has the benefit of "ignorance is bliss." Sure Barbara is making uninformed decisions by giving (and continuing) her consent, but since it's not hurting her in practical terms, does that make it okay? Indeed, does that make it the higher moral road to travel in this particular situation?
Thus concludes the ethical dilemmas I wanted to describe to you. If you are willing to share, I would like to know what your opinion is about what Richard should do.
Now I know it's obvious that Richard just should have been 100% honest with Barbara right from the beginning. But if, for argument's sake, we overlook or forgive his initial (year or more of) dishonesty, what should we advise him to do in the very end, after the scenarios have completely played out in the way I've described them above?
And of course, if there's any additional thoughts you want to add, I would be more than willing to receive them. For example, what does all of this say about honesty in general? Does it say that sometimes there are gray areas? Are there any alterations to the story (e.g. changed ages/genders, no kids, etc.) that would change your answers/conclusions? Is there anything you'd like to say about what Madison should do (and should have done)?
I appreciate you taking the time to read and consider this post.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
