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  #41  
Old 10-19-2012, 04:32 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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She had mentioned it the day befor but i never put in my 2 cents. I wonder if she knows just how desperate the situation was and was just trying to help. I can afford it...i just feel like i was left out totally in the decision. I have said thank u to her...and i have also told my husband how i felt.
He told me that we have built a wonderful life together and wont give it up for anything. I KNOW this is true.
I just brought the "feelings" convo up to her. Am waiting to hear back. Idk...i just think that i would only take out a loan for someone i loved heart and soul.
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  #42  
Old 10-19-2012, 04:34 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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While im here...i read in all those books that peepl who have done this for years still get jealous and insecure at times. Since i have real peepl in front of me..is this true? If it happens with me should i feel bad?
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  #43  
Old 10-19-2012, 06:53 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nurseypoo1 View Post
She applied for and got a loan to pay for his new plow...about $6000. It was not discussed with me ahead of time. We always talk about serious purchases. So i am resigned to accepting that its progressing. Who the hell gets a loan for "just a friend"? I also thought that mayb it was a way of saying thank u for letting her live with us. Wut theory do u believe is more correct? Honesty appreciated...opinions accepted. Thanks guys!!!
You're correct that it's not something one typically does for a friend. It's not unheard of, some people don't have a good sense of reason. Since she had to take out a loan, it's fair to assume she's not just so rich that $6000 is a drop in the piggy bank.

To play Devil's advocate, one possible reaction is that this is a business decision, not a marital decision. I don't know how involved you are in his business, but he may not have perceived it as something to discuss with you because it's his business. I'm not saying you're unjustified for feeling the way you did, just that I can see another point of view.

To be honest, my strongest reaction at this point is more that this woman makes bad decisions. Like you said, who the hell takes out a $6000 loan for a friend? Did he co-sign? Did he sign a contract that he will repay it? What's to stop you and your husband from walking away with the truck, leaving her holding the loan with no collateral? I'm not suggesting you might do that, you don't seem like a bad person. But really, it's kind of a boner move on her part...

Another concern is that if she does not pay off the loan with the money you eventually repay her, then the truck can be repossessed. My suggestion there is that you make the payments directly to the bank, rather than giving her the money. The bank won't care if you have cancelled cheques made out to her with a memo that says "loan repayment" ... if they don't get their money, they'll take the collateral.
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  #44  
Old 10-19-2012, 08:54 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Re (from nurseypoo1, Post #38):
Quote:
"He wonders how long one can put up with their spouse having a 'friend' when they have nothing but their spouse."
It should be noted that quite a few polyamorists have a V configuration: that is, one person (the hinge) has a romantic relationship with two other people (the arms/legs), but those two people only have a platonic relationship with each other. It may sound uneven or unfair, but for some people it works. I myself am in such a relationship (as an arm/leg) person. I don't feel cheated or anything like that. I just enjoy the time I have to myself.

Re (from nurseypoo1, Post #39):
Quote:
"She applied for and got a loan to pay for his new plow ... about $6000. It was not discussed with me ahead of time. We always talk about serious purchases. So I am resigned to accepting that it's progressing. Who the hell gets a loan for 'just a friend?' I also thought that maybe it was a way of saying thank you for letting her live with us. What theory do you believe is more correct?"
Probably both ... plus add the factor that she could see you guys were in a tough spot and just wanted to help (though she really went above and beyond).

Re (from nurseypoo1, Post #42):
Quote:
"I read in all those books that people who have done this for years still get jealous and insecure at times. Since I have real people in front of me ... is this true?"
Yep. It's true. I'm lucky in that I've mellowed out quite a little bit, but I definitely still had jealousy/insecurity problems years into the poly relationship. I know people who've been living poly for as long as I have or longer, and still have those negative feelings. Yet, they stay with their partners, work it out, and feel it's worth it.

Re:
Quote:
"If it happens with me should I feel bad?"
Nope. You shouldn't. You should just be honest with your companions and let them know you're having these difficult feelings, and that any extra support they can give would be appreciated. Also you should use the difficult feelings as an opportunity to examine yourself internally and see what the cause is. Heck, sometimes there's even a legitimate external cause, and that will need to be talked about. The point is, there's nothing terribly wrong with you if you feal jealous and insecure at times.

Hope this helps,
Kevin T.
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  #45  
Old 10-19-2012, 10:20 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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It helps tremendously. She trusts us completely...and we trust her completely. Just one of those lucky relationships that has such a large amount of it. I am very involved in his business. She knows we pay our bills. And we planned to pay directly to the bank. Her credit is literally perfect and ours isnt. Mayb thats y she did. No he didnt co-sign. She does have the money in the bank but it would be a huge chunk out of her savings and she has circumstances of her own and didnt want to take that much out.
I am ok if it progresses. Im sure it will tho my husband says it wont. Lol. We will c i guess. Her heart is always golden...her mind sometimes a little tarnished. Lol
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  #46  
Old 10-20-2012, 01:20 AM
playswellwithothers playswellwithothers is offline
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I'm a secondary in a vee relationship. My partner has been married to his wife for 20 years. He and I have been together for almost six of them. I know his wife; we have socialized a bit but not a lot--she doesn't have much interest in being my friend, and I'm mostly okay with that. I'm not bi, and I have other friends.

But. If you care about your girlfriend, I recommend giving some serious thought to what kind of experience you are creating for her or any other secondary or tertiary relationship that comes along.

I understand that my partner made a lifetime commitment to his wife long before I entered the scene. That means they live together, have a business together, and their finances are intertwined. It means that if she wants to move across the country and he is interested, they will do so, even if it means putting many miles between him and me. Their life comes before our relationship. I'm not always thrilled with that, but I understand it.

That said, I don't feel that he loves her "more" than he loves me. He loves me differently. He does not have the same level of commitment to me, but we have a serious, deeply romantic relationship in which sex is only a part (and a very joyful part, I might add). If she were in trouble, or needed his help, or was struggling in some significant way, he really might call me and try to reschedule a get-together (but I know that I would be consulted, if only as a courtesy). There have also been, rarely, a couple of times when she and I have BOTH been emotionally struggling (over completely different issues), and he has had to make triage decisions--who needs him more right that moment? Sometimes, that has meant being with me.

It's hard enough to be a secondary knowing the primary spouse has veto power over my relationship with her husband. I would have a really really hard time with it if she were feeling like he had to drop everything (including me) any time she snapped her fingers, just to prove she could. Thankfully she doesn't, and is actually very supportive of her husband's relationship with me.

Part of it is because she loves her alone time. And part of it is that she knows I bring things into his life from which she benefits--new interests, renewed passions, lively discussion. She has also told me that sometimes it's a relief knowing there's someone else on board to support him. (She's much more of an introvert than he is or I am, and so she can feel overwhelmed by his energy--whereas I'm really happy to soak it up.)

There's a good "secondary's manifesto" or something like that out there on the Internet. Maybe somebody here knows what it's called and where to find it. I recommend reading it just to get the perspective of what you're asking of your girlfriend.

If you care about her--and the security of your marriage--it has really good questions to ponder.
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  #47  
Old 10-20-2012, 04:27 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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All i want is an arrangement in which everyome feels comfortable. She is completely understanding that my marriage comes first. She actually likes the set up as she doesnt have to deal with the struggles...his occasional moods...or the difficult times married peepl have. But i did let them both know that if feelings occur or it progresses to a more than sexual level i am ok with that and it is no reason for anyone to feel the need to pull away over or be afraid to tell me. Both my husband and i take her feelings into consideration and discuss things with her often. Right now...everyone is comfy as is.
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  #48  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:36 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by playswellwithothers View Post
There's a good "secondary's manifesto" or something like that out there on the Internet. Maybe somebody here knows what it's called and where to find it. I recommend reading it just to get the perspective of what you're asking of your girlfriend.
You may be thinking of XeroMag's Secondary's Bill of Rights. I emailed it to Dude along with a few other links about polyamory (a new word for him, although not really a new concept) a few weeks after we got together and he said that it was interesting and helped him put together some things that we had been talking about.

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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #49  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:46 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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Yes...i have read this shortly after we started this journey. It is very insiteful. Since she is not only his fwb but also our very good friend...we are always all talking about feelings...thought...etc. She has just as much input and right to speak her mind as we do about this. And she does. So in that respect...we are lucky that she is so able to do so.
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  #50  
Old 10-20-2012, 05:27 PM
playswellwithothers playswellwithothers is offline
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Yep. Secondary's Bill of Rights--that is indeed what I was thinking of. I sought it out back when I was new to poly and feeling aggrieved, lol. It was sobering to see that pretty much all of the "rights" suggested in the document were already in place for me in my relationship! I was still learning what a secondary really means--and, more importantly, how I felt about being one. It's been an interesting 5.5 years.
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