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  #31  
Old 10-17-2012, 03:41 PM
altworld altworld is offline
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I definitely think that you should try more of a triad, since everything else seems to be progressing okay & everything is being honest & open. I'm not saying all of you go jump in the bed together of course.....take your time, date all together, try some dates just you & her (hold hands, snuggle on the couch, etc). Of course you'll want to talk to your husband & her about it and all of you be in the same page....that's very important.

And if he's telling you that you are his world then believe in that & don't allow the affection/attention he shows for her to make you feel that he loves you any less. Like I said it's all new & exciting right now.

As I said in the previous post I definitely think there are feelings developing & it's progressing past friends w/ benefits. Especially if she's there as much as you say she is & they talk as often as they do....she's becoming a part of your family which can be a wonderful thing for everyone....there's more love, more support, more affection/attention.

And no he definitely shouldn't push you away & if you're feeling pushed away then you have to be open & honest with him about it. When you talk to him about it don't attack him (that will immediately cause an argument & you'll get no where), tell him this is how you're feeling or when he does this or that it makes you feel this way. Try to find a way to resolve those feelings but figuring out what you BOTH can do to make it better.

My husband & I from day one have always been of the mind set that we're stronger together & we get through everything together, we're in this life & marriage together and we work through all the ups & down as a team. And that has gotten through a lot & we've only gotten stronger because of it.
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  #32  
Old 10-17-2012, 03:41 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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And so sorry for the double-post confusion everyone!! Been workin for 24 hours...and up for 29. Lol.
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  #33  
Old 10-17-2012, 03:50 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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U are so spot on. I have completely relearned how to argue. I make more "i feel......becuase of...." then i EVER have. I used to say "u made me....". Blame is useless. And counterproductive. I will not even think of bringing up the "me and her" thing until i am comfortable with all the othef stuff first. But i have always planned to. Her and i do quite a lot together as friends. I am very honest and open with how i feel or wut i think to both of them. They r wonderful listeners. She has admitted she dont know how i do it. She lived with us for a few months and has seen the worst side of my jealousy and accusations. Lol. Oops. My marriage is DEFINITELY better and stronger because of this whole thing.
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  #34  
Old 10-17-2012, 08:49 PM
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Sounds like things are improving in the communication areas. Good/plentiful communication is one of the most important ingredients in making polyamory (or any kind of relationship, really) work. So I commend you for working on your communication skills.

Perhaps the best advice here is to not panic, and to not try to solve everything at once, but rather, take it in small chunks. If something makes you feel left out, give him a gentle reminder: "Hey, I am here too." NRE is no excuse for neglecting one's original relationship, but it's a powerful force and people do get forgetful sometimes. Just tell him, "Hey, I need some more attention over here." It's easy to take the original relationship for granted.

It sounds like the girlfriend is very understanding and respectful towards you. That's a big plus; keep developing your friendship with her, even if it's nothing romantic (yet).
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  #35  
Old 10-18-2012, 05:45 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nurseypoo1 View Post
Im sorry if i frustrate anyone. We have discussed it and as terrible as it sounds...and unfair as it may be...i will only be comfortable as "primary". I know some dont like this...but its the only way i would feel ok. We have too much invested in each other and have dealt with too many things together to just be able to say otherwise at this juncture.
There's nothing wrong with that. Anyone who says otherwise is just trying to push their own way of doing things onto you. Some polyfolk do the whole "Primary/secondary" thing, others don't, and both arrangements work for some people and not for others.

What's more important than the label is being clear about what you need and how your relationship needs to be in order for you to be happy and healthy within it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nurseypoo1 View Post
This weekend was kind of a set back for me though. It was my dead sons birthday and hubby was out of town. He NEVER has been gone on this particular day and it was even harder than usual because of it. I found out that he called her or texted her when he got up before he did me...and talked to her MUCH longer (about 5 times as much) than we did. It made me feel very unimportant. I did tell both how i felt and she understood. After some arguing...so did he. Lol.
Being completely honest...is this possibly a sign that its progressing to the "more than very close friends who sleep with each othef on occasion" stage? If so...i need to work harder at dealing with those feelings.
Yes. I mean, everyone is different of course. But calling a "friend" first on a weekend when your wife is mourning the loss of her son? Not exactly prioritizing family...

Quote:
Originally Posted by altworld View Post
I definitely think that you should try more of a triad, since everything else seems to be progressing okay & everything is being honest & open. I'm not saying all of you go jump in the bed together of course.....take your time, date all together, try some dates just you & her (hold hands, snuggle on the couch, etc). Of course you'll want to talk to your husband & her about it and all of you be in the same page....that's very important.
I disagree with this advice. Being in a triad will not make anything simpler. It's like saying that getting married will somehow improve a damaged relationship. In reality, adding more "relationship expectation" makes things more complicated and difficult to manage.

Rather than trying to mould it into something specific, try just letting things progress naturally. If you and the other gal end up being romantic, that's great. If not, that's great too.
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  #36  
Old 10-18-2012, 04:27 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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I most definitely do not have a problem telling him when i need some attention. And he is very good about giving it to me. So i am lucky in that aspect. But i usually dont even have to tell him. He said the only reason he called her and not me is becuz he knee i would still be sleeping and didnt want to wake me. I can understand that. They talk to each other first most days for this reason....they're both early birds. But this weekend it just REALLY bugged me.
As far as primary/secondary and all that go...i feel that i should definitely come first becuz i honestly do not see us as equals. It sounds bad i know...but we have been together for 15 years. I have put up with A LOT in that time. And i feel like i have paid my dues and deserve it and would be greatly offended to have someone come along and get the same amount of...or more...attention from him than i. I am his wife...his partner...and the mother of his children. That says TONS in my book. Fair? Not to everyone...but it is to me and he thinks so too. I am the one who has to deal with the struggles and bad times...so i better at least get more good times. Lol.
And i brought up the topic of eventual emotions to him yesterday...he wanted to know where his wife went. Im afraid he thinks i dont love him anymore. At least thats HIS fear.
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  #37  
Old 10-18-2012, 08:57 PM
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Well, keep those communication channels flowing, even if he seems to almost know what you're thinking (and it's great that he does). One never knows what issues may come up in a conversation, and it's good to keep everyone on the same page.

I think you should stick to the game plan you're currently doing, while keeping an open mind about the future. For instance, who knows what all your feelings might be in ten years? but since you know what you need in the here and now, it's perfectly fine to stick to that.

If he has insecurities too, maybe you can help him with them. What about his girlfriend? Does she ever feel insecure? Something to consider.

Overall it sounds like you're making progress. That's good to hear.
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  #38  
Old 10-18-2012, 11:46 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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He does have some insecurities and fears...which we do talk about. It is hard because hes not used to or comfortable with talking about his feelings. One of his only other fears is that because of all this i will end up resenting him and want a divorce. He wonders how long one can put up with their spouse having a "friend" when they have nothing but their spouse.
She on the other hand is very confident and has voiced no concerns really...other than what my feelings on it are. Sometimes i get really irrational and think its all a conspiracy for them to make me feel better so they can continue to have their fun guilt free. Lol. I never said i was sane...
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  #39  
Old 10-19-2012, 02:42 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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I have been doing a lot of soul searching the past few days. With several people on here thinking that its progressing...i have had to explore my feelings and fears about that. I have come to terms with the fact that it probably is. And i believe i have even accepted it probably has and will continue to do so. I have let go of my fears about it. I just dont know how to tell them that i am ok with it. I dont know how to bring it up to her...more specifically. I have already mentioned it to him.
I am sure, though, that its progressing. History: my hubby is self employed. Only plows snow in winter...and makes a lot of money doing so. Had to sell old truck and buy new one and didnt have a plow. Things happened...people had financial issues...and backed out of jobs that would have bought the new plow. He was seriously considering going to Florida for work for the winter. She applied for and got a loan to pay for his new plow...about $6000. It was not discussed with me ahead of time. We always talk about serious purchases. So i am resigned to accepting that its progressing. Who the hell gets a loan for "just a friend"? I also thought that mayb it was a way of saying thank u for letting her live with us. Wut theory do u believe is more correct? Honesty appreciated...opinions accepted. Thanks guys!!!

Last edited by nurseypoo1; 10-19-2012 at 04:25 PM.
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  #40  
Old 10-19-2012, 03:58 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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If you have always been together on making financial decisions I think you should have been included in her taking out a loan for his truck. I would have felt discounted in this situation as well and I understand how you would. You have a right to your feelings and I think you should take it up with them. Since you have developed a lot of conflict resolution skills in this relationship so I think you can do it and expect a successful outcome. The fact that he's afraid you'll ask for a divorce means to me that he's invested in his relationship with you and doesn't want it to end. Think about what you want out of a talk with them: an apology? An agreement to be included in any such future transaction?
Good luck in this. You're putting a lot of effort in making this work. I think it's reasonable that you expect them to do the same.

Last edited by Stevenjaguar; 10-19-2012 at 04:01 PM.
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