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Old 04-29-2014, 02:33 AM
Crestfallen Crestfallen is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2
Smile Hi I'm be on here and new to poly

I'm new on here and to poly I'm 37. I met a girl shes25 we started talking and now we are in a relationship I'm her second and she is her other bf second. I'm still adjusting and dealing with some issues. I've tries talking to her about how I feel when we are talking on the phone and as soon as he calls she let's me go but if they are talking I have to wait and usually get told she will call me tomorrow. She tells me I make her happier than anyone ever has and she is tired of his drama. But today was supposed to be our day and she got drunk and had a hangover today so there went that. So I asked for Thursday but that's his day even though he got sat and sun with her and got wasted instead of being at the hospital with his son who almost drown because his wife wouldn't let him stay. Anyway sorry about that tirade. She keeps throwing how he's her primary up. I told her I love her more than anything but I don't want to always be thrown on the back burner when ever he feels sorry for himself. I'm sorry if its hard to understand. Thanks for any advise in advance.
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Old 04-29-2014, 05:27 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Southern Alberta
Posts: 48

Hey there, it sounds like you're having some trouble. Sorry to hear that!

Your situation is very dramatic. It sounds like you do not like her boyfriend. It sounds like you feel disrespected by your girlfriend. How long have you been in this relationship? It sounds fairly new.

Some polyamorous people have primaries and secondaries and some do not. When you are a secondary, you have the right to have your needs met. This is a very tricky situation for even experienced poly people. It is hard for many people to make their secondaries feel respected, although it is possible.

If you want to make things work you need to have a clear understanding of your needs. Write them down and give them to your girlfriend. Things like "if we have a day together planned, I need you to be present and not hungover". Give them to her and if she can't meet your needs, maybe you should not be in a relationship with her.
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Old 04-29-2014, 05:31 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 1,204

I don't do hierarchical poly for this reason. It is clear she isn't meeting your needs - if she is canceling days, whatever the reason - and not rescheduling, then she is failing at giving you what you clearly need. I agree you need to be upfront about what you expect and what you require to continue the relationship. If she is unable to meet those needs, then you should move on.
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Old 04-29-2014, 06:14 PM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 43

Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
I don't do hierarchical poly for this reason.
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