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Old 07-18-2013, 10:01 PM
baughb baughb is offline
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Default When do you tell new SOs?

Being very new to all of this, I am naturally full of questions. I understand that in the end probably all my questions are ultimately situation based and there is no 'right' answer, but stories of experience always are insightful.

So, I have been dating R for about 2 months, and as his secondary, I was excited about still being able to explore relationships with others. I have been on a couple dates with A, and it's still up in the air, but the possibility that the dates could continue is a definite one. So, at what point do you tell someone new that you are involved with another person as well? On one hand it would seem odd or intimidating to unload that kind of info the first time you meet someone, especially if it ends up going nowhere, on the other, I can see how some might consider it deceptive. I mean, you don't normally introduce yourself to someone and immediately ask them how they feel about open relationships.

Additionally, have any of you ever been in a situation like the above with someone who may seem intrigued by the idea but possibly have a hard time getting past the idea that what youre looking for is not swinging or the 'limited quantity' love idea?
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Old 07-18-2013, 10:44 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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All of my potential SOs know right of the bat. I'm married, that's an important piece of information about me, and I have a semi-serious boyfriend which is also an important piece of information about me. Both people are essentially a part of me and hiding them is straight up deceptive. I won't even go on one date with someone without him/her knowing about my relationship status(es).

That's just me, though. If I was only in a secondary-type relationship that WASN'T a definitive part of my life, I may wait a bit longer. I doubt it, but maybe.
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:03 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Everyone knows before we ever go on a date.
I'm married with a long term, live in boyfriend and children.

I don't date anyone before they know all of that.
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:05 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I tell new people right away. I would tell my spouse that i met someone new at the earliest opportunity (before or after anything "happens") and i would tell my other partner(s) whenever it seems right to me. Once someone knows i have open relationships i don't consider it necessary to "warn" them that i "might" become involved with a new person. But when i do, it isn't a big deal to mention it.
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baughb View Post
So, at what point do you tell someone new that you are involved with another person as well?
You've been on a couple of dates and are connecting with this person, yet your other partner has never come up? I would find it difficult to not bring up IV after having been on a couple of dates with someone, even if it was my intention to withhold that information for some reason.

It's a non-issue for me though, because I am not going to get involved with someone who doesn't know that I am strictly non-monogamous. If it doesn't come up in our first meeting I'll make sure that it does in the second (though it'll come up in our first meeting). There is no reason for me to treat someone as if they were positive about non-monogamy unless I get some kind of confirmation. I live in a society of conservative monogamous people so meeting someone who doesn't fit that mold is unlikely.

It is loud and proud on my OKCupid profile, for example. Given the option I'd rather not even *begin* to engage someone romantically without them knowing that about me.

As far as informing my current partners about who I'm dating and how that is going - if I think they would find the information interesting then I'll tell them. They don't have any 'right' to know anything about it, so that isn't the motivation... I generally discuss most aspects of my life with my romantic loved ones and who I'm dating isn't any different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by baughb View Post
Additionally, have any of you ever been in a situation like the above with someone who may seem intrigued by the idea but possibly have a hard time getting past the idea that what youre looking for is not swinging or the 'limited quantity' love idea?
The number of hurdles a person needs to get past to be ok with non-monogamy are numerous and impressive. Talk to enough people and you'll find all manner of silly assumptions.
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Old 07-19-2013, 12:39 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Umm... before the first date anything else is extremely dishonest.
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Old 07-19-2013, 12:42 AM
baughb baughb is offline
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Thanks for the replies, everyone. I think I have yet to mention to A about my relationship with R because a) I'm naturally a private person so I'm wary about sharing certain pieces of info about my life with a lot of people in general. and b) even though I feel a possible connection with A, it still feels like its on the casual fence (i.e. it could fizzle any time).

I DID however let R know about my dates with A, and answered any questions he had about him or if he had been intimate, etc. I am extremely adamant about honesty between us, so I would absolutely tell him about any activites that may factor into our relationship at any point, because he knows I would want the same.
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Old 07-19-2013, 12:53 AM
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You worry about your feelings...
R's feelings....

How about A's feelings...?
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Old 07-19-2013, 12:57 AM
baughb baughb is offline
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I see what you're saying. I think I haven't considered that because A and I have been acquaintances for years, and I know that A has casually dated several women at one time previously himself, and has always been upfront about his wants so I guess I assumed if he was ever interested in moving things to a more serious place he would indicate that to me.

As of right now, our dates have been so sparse that I'm not even sure when I'll see him next, let alone if I'll have to tell him.
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Old 07-19-2013, 01:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baughb View Post
a) I'm naturally a private person so I'm wary about sharing certain pieces of info about my life with a lot of people in general. and b) even though I feel a possible connection with A, it still feels like its on the casual fence (i.e. it could fizzle any time).
You've set up a lose-lose situation here unless A miraculously turns out to be in favor of your relationship choices. You don't want to share the details with "a lot of people", but what about the people who are likely to be affected by said details?

What happens if the two of you develop feelings for each other? Once the "I really think you're great and this has a chance" all googly eyed at each other you plan to tell them *then* that you have another partner and are not monogamous? Do you see how your withholding this information can cause the other person harm? ... at the very least it's rude to waste someones time like that when you know the odds of their having compatible values are low.

I'm with Dag, it sounds like you are giving your own and your partners feelings due respect but are casually ignoring the impact you might have on this other person. I encourage you to do some thinking on that.
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