Online Dating...When to Mention Poly?

[ManofDiscovery]

Earlier today I was talking to a girl off plenty of fish.

We were getting on pretty well and a meet was inevitable. I think I mentioned that I get bored of the same thing easily, and she commented that I'd never be happy with one woman if that was the case.

I agreed..and the subject of poly came up (although the word 'poly' was never mentioned).

The discussion was not dissimilar to a link I saw posted on here recently 'a discussion between a poly and a mono person'.

She saw poly as a lack of commitment. I questioned why you couldn't be committed to some and still see other people...she then asked me if I'd be comfortable with my partner doing that. 'Yes', I replied.

'Well I'm sure there's plenty of girls like that on pof, but I'm not one of them. I want more than just friends with benefits, which is essentially what you're offering'.

Then I try to explain why it's not friends with benefits...it can be a committed relationship like any other, but without the unnecessary locked in monogamy...all to no avail.

How do you people approach these discussions? And when would you normally bring them up? And how do you know when you're dealing with someone who isn't going to come on board, no matter what you say, vs someone who needs some time to process what you're saying, but may come around in time?

Also, the argument that keeps coming back (I've had this discussion a few times now) is 'I would feel inadequate if my man had to go elsewhere, like I couldn't provide what he needed'...my response is that it's a big ask for one person to provide all the emotional and sexual needs for one other person. Seems to be met with glazed eyes though.

[StudentofLife]

That whole feeling inadequate thing is a rough one. At some point (it seems to me) a person simply has to think well enough of themselves that they can let go, and accept that even though they might not meet every need for someone else, they're exactly who and what they should be at the present time, and nothing is lacking.

When a person needs medical care they see a doctor. Legal advise--a lawyer. Car fixed--a mechanic. They don't expect any one person to perform all those services for them. Are personal needs so different? I might be a great match for someone who likes vanilla interactions. If my loved one needs to explore kink, I'm no longer a good choice. No one is wrong in that scenario, it just is what it is. I should not feel inadequate for being who I am, not should my loved one feel wrong for having the needs they have.

You know me, MoD. I can't help you with those conversations, but I am curious if you'll still meet this girl or did it go up in a puff of smoke? :-)

(I say water chestnuts to you, by the way!)

[ManofDiscovery]

No, there is no chance of meeting...unless I were to do a massive turnaround and tell her that I've changed my mind and that mono is right, poly is wrong, and that all polys are bad (including parrots).

She pretty much said as much that humans have insecurities, jealous and fears and that mono relationships evolved as a way around this...surely it makes more sense to explore why you feel inadequate?

Anyway...she ended up getting the huff and closing the chat window...and that was that.

The worry for me is that I'm so stupidly picky anyway that the number of girls I'm normally interested in is a small %...that % is going to become practically 0% when I throw poly into the mix!

[GalaGirl]

For me? ASAP? And to clarify different models -- that could be helpful.
Then you know you are speaking the same language and sort through what each dating partner is seeking faster. Figure out which the runners are and which are not.

For instance, when I was a college student I was busy with...college! I did not want a heavy primaryship thing then. I wanted to be free to be with others but not have any be a big heavy deal. In that time of my life I did not want to make heavy commitments.

Now I am in a different stage of life. That model does not appeal to me in this stage. I would want co-primary polyfi thing if anything at this stage. I would want MORE commitment. Later things could change again. Life is journey.

A smaller dating pool? That kinda comes with the territory. The more specifics, the more successful in finding a REALLY compatible person when you find them... but the harder to find them in the haystack to start with.

It kind of boils down to what you want. "I want to experience dating lots of people in general" or "I want to experience a polyship of ____ and I accept I have to date for a time to GET there."

HTH!
Galagirl

[ManofDiscovery]

Thanks for that link Gala...interesting and useful.

Although I feel I'm not even at an advanced enough stage to talk about models of open relationships...right now it's 'I'm not enough for you? You're the devil!'

[LovingRadiance]

I never get past an intro without including that I am poly. I would rather not date than deal with my heart being tied up in someone who can't accept me for who I am.

[GalaGirl]

I'm with LR. I'd rather get it over with faster.

Could that info go in your profile? Something like...

"I am polyamorous. I am seeking model(s) 1a, 2a, whatever. " And link to the thing?

Then it "pre-weeds" them out. You might get weirdies bugging ya, but you aren't at a DATE with someone who is then dealing in upset because they come from the attitude place of "What? Am I not enough? Why don't you want what I want?" rather than the place of "Bummer. You want this and I want this. Too bad. It is what it is."

GG

[ManofDiscovery]

You know...that's not the worst idea I've ever heard.

I think I will get about one email every 6 months by putting that stuff down on paper (well, screen..but you know what I mean) - but at least it will mean I don't have to go through the relentlessly tiresome discussion about mono vs poly over and over and over.

Thanks!

[tree166]

I'm with GalaGirl. The fact that I'm poly goes in my profile, right at the top so they have no excuse to not read it

And yes, it might mean that you get fewer emails, but isn't the point of this to meet people we can connect with? I still end up wasting time on the mono vs. poly discussion, but it's with people who are interested and open-minded. Usually. When I'm not being propositioned in the grossest ways possible or slut shamed.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery

You know...that's not the worst idea I've ever heard.

Uhm... It wasn't your idea.

But yeah, being poly is the first thing in my OKC profile. Literally first.

My self-summary
First and foremost, I have to mention that I'm polyamorous. I'm married and I have a girlfriend. Still here? Ok, cool.

That way, not only does it weed out anyone who's hell-bent on monogamy, but it also draws in those who are specifically geared towards polyamory. At this stage in my life, I don't feel the need to educate and train potential mates on how to be in a poly relationship. There's enough discussion just pinning down how we do things differently, without teaching them the basics on top of it. Preferably, I want people who are already in a poly relationship and just expanding their circle.