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Old 04-18-2012, 05:56 PM
tll2k6 tll2k6 is offline
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Default My situation

My wife and I have been together for 8 years in a mono relationship. Since I have known her, she has suffered from clinical depression, social anxiety disorder, and a little bit of borderline personality disorder. I have tried to be as supportive as I can regarding those things, and she is getting treatment, but it's slow. We are both introverts, and I know that I tend to worry about my partner's feelings way more than mine, but I am working on that.

N has always frequented chat rooms. she likes to role play, not always sexual. I was okay with that, because she explained that she has kinks that aren't really feasible in real life. In one of these chat rooms, she met G, who quickly fell for her. She would talk to other people and he would get extremely jealous. Their relationship became more personal and exclusive over the years. Ours deteriorated, but not to the point of ruin. She was always withdrawn, so I just assumed that it was her depression. I'd help as I could, but sometimes I couldn't do anything.

Since we both have issues communicating, we have gotten into the habit of writing each other emails when we have a pressing issue. It is almost always just pure emotion. Last week, I noticed her writing a long email, and we had kinda had a mini fight that evening, so I was expecting it for me. She went to bed, and I waited but never received it. I was worried that she might have sent a long and emotional email to a business that we were going to on the weekend, and I wanted to prepare for what she said, so I checked her sent email to see what it was. I know it was wrong, and I can't really say if I would do it again.

In her email, to another online friend, she said that she was madly in love with another man. She wanted to leave, but she couldn't go to him, because they had a huge fight and he basically didn't want anything to do with her. I was devastated. I knew our relationship was far from perfect, but I felt like she no longer wanted me. I went to bed, horribly depressed and unable to sleep, and started crying, waking her up. We talked for a while, her telling me that she still loved me(!) but loved him too. Over the last week or so, we have talked more than we have at any other time in our relationship.

I know I want to continue our relationship. She is currently visiting her sister for a week, trying to clear her head. We have both been reading "The Ethical Slut" and I have found a lot of good information both there and on here. I know it will be hard, and we have a lot to work through, but I have seen how supportive the people of this forum are, because I read through this thread over the weekend. And, I think right now, that's what I need. Not saying I WON'T need advice, I'm sure I will, but for now, thank you for reading and feel free to ask questions.
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Old 04-18-2012, 06:16 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Welcome!

First and foremost, get yourselves into marriage counceling and learn how to communicate with each other more effectively! Communication is key to keeping a marriage going. Both my husband and I are a bit communication challenged, not to mention we apparently weren't even speaking the same language before (who knew).

Keep reading, there's lots of information here.
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Old 04-18-2012, 06:31 PM
tll2k6 tll2k6 is offline
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We are planning on doing that. My wife just started with a new therapist and she mentioned that she would like to do some joint sessions. But in the meantime, I'm trying to just tell her everything that is relevant when it comes to mind. Open and honest. I had heard about the languages of love, but never really looked into it. Isn't there a book by that name?
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Old 04-18-2012, 06:53 PM
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"The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Gary Chapman
Excellent book and I recommend it to EVERYONE. It won't really help with communication issues, but it's still a must read for anyone in a relationship.
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Old 04-18-2012, 10:06 PM
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It would be great if she came and read here too, but I can understand that you might need some space to sort out how you feel first.

It sounds like the cat is out of the bag, but that could be a good thing! So much time has passed that she has lived in a fantasy world with this guy and neglected what she has in real life. Maybe this is just what she needs to start something fresh with you. Or maybe it is just what is needed for you both to move on. Time will tell I guess, but whatever happens, it will be what is better for both of you I should think.

Time to do some hard work. I would be asking if she is ready for that and then get on board and get to it! Its sounds like all is not lost, just derailed over time.
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Old 04-20-2012, 02:02 AM
tll2k6 tll2k6 is offline
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She was staying with her sister. The plan was to stay 2 weeks, originally, then until Saturday, and yesterday she decided to come back today. Since we got together so young, she never really had to survive on her own. Now, she wants to do it, and it terrifies me. I don't want to lose her, especially now that I am aware of what steps we need to take to start repairing our relationship. She decided that since it isn't feasible for her to move out yet (she isn't working right now), that she wanted to use our extra bedroom as her room. I thought I was okay with that, I mean, it's better than her moving out for a year, waiting for her lease to expire, but it's harder than I imagined. It doesn't help that I'm trying all I can to get her to work with me. She says she needs some time, and I want to give it to her, but I don't want to be distant, either. I need reassurance from her, and when I asked her for it, she just said that she isn't sure what she wants right now. Does anyone have any tips on what to do? I'm so lost right now...
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Old 04-20-2012, 02:46 AM
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It sounds like you both could use learning to be independent and yet still be supportive of each other's journeys. I would also highly recommend reading Melodie Beatty's books.

Start with Codependent No More, and/or the Codependent No More Handbook. Either one will help you sort how to be there for the people you love without trying to control the outcome or losing sight of your own needs and what makes you happy. The workbook has exercises designed to give you positive ways of relating to others and to build a framework for change and personal growth.

She later wrote The New Codependency. All her books help people learn how to set boundaries, stop engaging in unhealthy habits, and take care of themselves.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 04-20-2012, 02:55 AM
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It sounds as if she discovered that there was a lot inside and to herself she didn't know. Her request for some distance speaks clearly about some time she needs to herself exclusively. Don't be too clingy and deny her this time. You won't gain anything by pushing things now. As hard as it is.

As her partner, I think it is reasonable that you need some kind of clear statement in regard to how she envisions your relationship to proceed. If this is about poly, she will still have strong feelings for you. Maybe she is just confused and insecure because the things she used to know seem to be so unpredictable and twisted right now and that's why she can't trust in the validity of them. I didn't quite get the reason why she wants to move out. If this is just about her needing some physical space to sort things out, the extra bedroom should do. If she doesn't see a future for the two of you, things are different. You should get some kind of clear answer to this issue.
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Old 04-20-2012, 03:50 AM
tll2k6 tll2k6 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
As her partner, I think it is reasonable that you need some kind of clear statement in regard to how she envisions your relationship to proceed.
I decided to be upfront and ask her this. She said that she honestly just sees us being friends in the future. I am devastated. I really thought we could work this out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
If this is about poly, she will still have strong feelings for you.
She still claims to love me, but honestly, I suspect that it's just an automatic response from me telling her that I still love her. I wish I would have prevented this from happening... Thank you for your help. I doubt I would have gotten a clear answer anytime soon without it.
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Old 04-20-2012, 04:21 AM
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I am sorry that it ended this way. Some are just mono, in most cases more like serial monogamists, falling naturally in and out of love as they discover new love interests. She seems to be someone whose feelings work like that.

If this is the final answer, look for opportunities to make a clear and clean cut. It won't do you any good to keep on living with the woman you love long term. Don't go and torture yourself. Both of you will need some space and time to grasp the whole of the situation and concentrate on yourself for now.
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