kinky, poly and trouble sharing

I'm in a poly relationship with my husband of 7years and my Daddy of 1 year.
For me Polyamory is an orientation and I've been having wonderful rich relationships with my both partners. My partners date, all is well and when it isn't it doesn't take long for us to recover.

Now, my conundrum: Daddy is actively dating, seemingly more so than He was a few months ago bc a few months ago He was still in a relationship with his ex. I am excited for Him, excited that He will make connections with new partners and I do secretly hope his partner and I can become friends, in the way both my partners have.

The part where I'm having trouble is that He is specifically looking for a partner who would be another babygirl of His. I am extremely distraught by this and I've been picking it apart trying to figure out why. I've been talking to Daddy too and that's helped loads. Some theories are that it's just plain old jealousy, maybe possessiveness "He's my Daddy!", maybe because I can't see having another Daddy I'm projecting that to Him as well.

I don't feel like I will be replaced, or that I will receive less, or that His new partner will be a better babygirl, I don't think the relationship between Him and I will change, but it does devalue it in some way-it doesn't devalue it, I perceive that it is devaluing it, taking the shine off, making it less special, making me one of a group. I'm having a fight between intellect and emotions for sure.

After thinking about it some more today I have realized that I take Dd/lg very seriously, it's been nothing but a benefit to me, but I've let Daddy in my head. Do I feel threatened by Him doing that with someone else? I'm not sure.

I truly believe that any dynamic He shares with another partner won't look like the dynamic that He and I share simply because no one else is He and I. I take a great deal of comfort in that. Each relationship is special in its own way. I feel I should mention He is my first Daddy. My first 24/7-ish dynamic. The first time I've taken kink this seriously.

So why the yuck feelings?! Why the troubled, heart wrenching response to Him looking for another babygirl? I just don't get it. I have to be missing something or just not seeing something that's terribly obvious to someone else. Help a babygirl out here, please and thank you.

This is probably off, but do you have siblings? Are they younger? Do you remember how you took it when they were born?
As another possibility, if you're terribly honest, did you experience rivalry with your mother? (hint: some psychologists say pretty much everyone did)

I'm bringing this stuff up (and not expecting answers), because I believe some of the poly/mono as well as kinky 'wiring' is formed terribly early in childhood. I don't believe it's inborn for the most part, but imprinted before the child is even taught to speak and think. So sometimes you have to look for the source of emotions beyond the land of language/concepts.

It seems to me like you might be dealing with emotions that deep. In that case you're not missing anything obvious. You would have to have deep understanding of the primary human bonding and of your particular circumstances to understand yourself.

I don't want to discourage you, I'm not saying it's impossible to change this deep stuff. But it may indeed be difficult, and more body-centered approaches may have more success than thinking.

Your relationship with Daddy is probably filling some need that wasn't satisfied very early on in your childhood. If you go deep inside, maybe you can sense what that need is.

Maybe you'll decide that it's a limit to be "DD-lg monogamous". Maybe not. Just know what you're dealing with.

Tinwen said:

Maybe you'll decide that it's a limit to be "DD-lg monogamous". Maybe not. Just know what you're dealing with.

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I agree with Tinwen. It's perfectly fine for you to want to keep this relationship monogamous. This kind of relationship is very different than your garden variety poly situation. DD/lg by its very nature invites the exploration of the most tender of buried and dark places in a person. That's the reason for the DD/lg agreement: the lg needs extreme care taking to an extent that people in most adult relationships don't require. Actually, most poly relationships necessitate more self management and independence than the average, so in my view, poly relationships fall on the opposite end of the spectrum from DD/lg. I don't see how they would overlap unless there's also a deep (and I mean deep) sisterly bond among the little girls. It wouldn't work if the sisters were not close and that is something you can't just order up or ask the sisters to develop. It seems an extremely rare situation. I know of one such family and they are Fetlife celebrities for the very reason that their family is so extraordinarily unheard of. The Daddy seems quite mature and experienced, so that's a factor in their success, as well.

I only know one DD in real life and he is poly but when he has a DD/lg relationship going on, there is only one lg in his life. The whole purpose of his being her DD is that he is hers and she is special to him in only the way his lg can be. I see on Fetlife that there are poly D/S relationships, but I don't see any successful poly DD/lg relationships, other than the one mentioned. There's poly kinkery and then there's the DD/lg and they are two different animals. To me, poly defeats the very purpose of the dynamic you have with your BF.

My partners date, all is well and when it isn't it doesn't take long for us to recover.

Now, my conundrum: Daddy is actively dating, seemingly more so than He was a few months ago bc a few months ago He was still in a relationship with his ex. I am excited for Him, excited that He will make connections with new partners and I do secretly hope his partner and I can become friends, in the way both my partners have.

The part where I'm having trouble is that He is specifically looking for a partner who would be another babygirl of His.

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I think maybe you are overthinking it? You have a personal limit / personal preference. It is what it is.

It's ok to want poly, and be fine with your other partners dating. And only want ONE Daddy/little girl situation.

You could tell your Daddy that is where you are at with it. You don't want to share him as a Daddy. He can poly date or whatever, but you want to be the only lg. If he wants another lg, then your lg relationship with him has to end/change.

And then you only poly with him, and not any more Daddy/lg dynamic. Or you stop even the poly with him.

I can imagine it is hard to feel, but the actions seems straightforward: Have the honest conversations you need to be having with Daddy and sort this out.

Galagirl

BathedInSalt said:

I perceive that it is devaluing it, taking the shine off, making it less special, making me one of a group.

After thinking about it some more today I have realized that I take Dd/lg very seriously, it's been nothing but a benefit to me, but I've let Daddy in my head. I should mention He is my first Daddy. My first 24/7-ish dynamic. The first time I've taken kink this seriously.

So why the yuck feelings?! I have to be missing something or just not seeing something that's terribly obvious to someone else.

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I don't believe you're missing anything obvious.

I think you've nailed your reasons for the apprehensive/negative reaction, above. ^

Tinwen said:

Maybe you'll decide that it's a limit to be "DD-lg monogamous".

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FallenAngelina said:

This kind of relationship is very different than your garden variety poly situation. DD/lg by its very nature invites the exploration of the most tender of buried and dark places in a person... the lg needs extreme care taking to an extent that people in most adult relationships don't require.

The whole purpose of his being her DD is that he is hers and she is special to him in only the way his lg can be.

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I also concur wholeheartedly with the above insights.

Here’s where I’m at:

Do I have a preference for DD/lg monogamy?

Does this mean I have to stop that dynamic?

Do my partner and I have very different ideas about what the dynamic means?


I may well have that preference and I can accept that. I may need to end the dynamic and that thought makes me very sad. I know I won’t lose my bf over it, that’s something we’ve talked about all along our journey, but I feel I will be losing something and that will leave a mark, a mark that will heal in time, but a mark no less.

I’ve been talking to my partner along the way about what the dynamic means to me. As it’s reletively new to me I often don’t have the words to communicate what I mean and I have trouble identifying things. I go through phases of reading what others have experienced to help me develope my language, but I can’t think about it too much at a time because it takes a lot of emotional energy. We are definitely in a spot now where I feel like Sir and I are talking it to death. I think it’s good and I do have other places to process. I’m journaling and asking around for advice on here and on Fet.

It’s doscouraging to here that the DD/lg dynamic falls apart when there’s more than one lg. I had been thinking that perhaps the acceptance of a sister, in a stand alone dynamic with Daddy, could be an opportunity for healing.
I was also considering that my submission currently has come at no real cost or sacrifice, perhaps this sharing is my price of admission, my gift of submission? I would add that my vulnerability is my act of submission also. The gifts of service I would do without the dynamic because that’s just who I am. I wouldn’t let Him give me orders without this dynamic and the negotiations that went into it though.

If you guys are processing this too often, it's ok to take breaks.

I had been thinking that perhaps the acceptance of a sister, in a stand alone dynamic with Daddy, could be an opportunity for healing

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Healing what? And what if it doesn't do anything for healing X?

Can X be healed another way?

I was also considering that my submission currently has come at no real cost or sacrifice, perhaps this sharing is my price of admission, my gift of submission?

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By the same token, limiting to 1 lg could be his price of admission.

You guys may have to take a time out to reflect and figure out what you each want, and then re-assess if you can still provide those things for each other or not.

Galagirl

Look, while I am kinky, I don't do dd/lg or even D/s. So take my thoughts for the not expert opinions they are.

I don't see why dd/lg relationships can't also be poly ones. I do see that it may be very difficult and so is uncommon. It's often considered odd for a sub to have more than dominant but I know a few people doing exactly that. (I do realize it's not the same thing.)

If your daddy can feel that 1) he needs another babygirl in his life other than you, and 2) he can give that other person the level of attention and care such a relationship needs *while* also maintaining that with you, then maybe this is possible. I would definitely discuss what he needs and wants out of other relationships. (Maybe he would want another form of submission, like a D/s connection or a connection without kink or power exchange. It's possible that what he wants may not be another babygirl but he hasn't fully thought through what he wants. Or maybe dd/lg is the only way he can do romantic/sexual relationships and that's just what he needs. Long story short, really go over with him what he needs and wants. Those might match up better with your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants better than you imagine.

I suspect this is at heart a fear of losing the very special, unique connection you have with him. And that is a reasonable fear. It is possible that he can't sustain the energy, effort and attention needed for two very intense emotional relationships like that. You may know at some deep wordless level that he can't really split his attention like that and have the dynamic remain as it is. Ask him very seriously if he can do this.

I can see how a sister like relationship with the other babygirl may ease things for you. But this can be like people who are looking for someone to date both people in a couple. It's hard to find someone who is willing to be that close in some way to both of you. Not impossible, just hard. If he does find another babygirl and you stay in the dynamic and/or the relationship, I suggest not requiring or expecting such a connection to develop between you and the other woman. If it does organically, that's awesome. But making that a requirement or having heavy expectations that it will is setting everyone up for disaster.

I do think this is possible. But you will have to deal with a fair enough of discomfort, uncertainty and fear. That may not be worth it for you, which is a totally legitimate thing.

I didn’t mean it to sound like his dynamic with someone else would have anything to do with his dynamic with me.
They would operate separately and not influence one another in any way.
We aren’t looking for a third and the thought actually repels me.

I would just like to be able to get on with her is all.

Hi BIS,

Your situation seems simple enough: You have something very special with your Daddy, in that you are his *only* little girl. If he finds another little girl, you will lose that by definition. You can still be *unique* to him, but you can't be his only little girl anymore. Furthermore, the fact that he *wants* a second little girl already takes away from the specialness you had. You are no longer the only little girl that he wants. When I look at it that way, it is easy for me to understand why you are distraught by it, at least I fancy that it is easy for me to understand. I don't know if he is dead set on finding another little girl, or if that part is negotiable. If it's not, the only remaining hope is that you will be able to strike up a friendship with the other woman, and maybe that would make up for it a bit.

I don't blame you for being upset, I hope things work out for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

As someone who does both poly and D/s, and also runs a discussion group on the topic, I can assure you that it is *possible* for a DD to have more than 1 lg. Does that mean it works for you? not necessarily. But the answer isn't because that dynamic just isn't possible. It's not about that. It's ultimately about what you're comfortable with.

If you can't view him the same way if he has another lg, then that is something that you'll have to work through with him. Is he willing to transition out of that dynamic just so that he can have others? Are you? Would he consider having some other form of D/s dynamic with someone and just not DD/lg? Would you be comfortable with that?

Poly and kink are all very specific to the individual, so there's no set list of rules, or "right" way to do it. Ultimately, it's about what works for you and your partners.

Also, having just attended a class by a therapist that was all about surviving the uncollaring process (which can easily be translated even just to ending a D/s dynamic) it's very important that you and your partner discuss what that would look like. It can certainly be a traumatic experience to lose a Dom, because in the end, kink is playing with trauma (hopefully to good ends, but still trauma). And building up that dynamic is basically incorporating habits and rituals that are trauma based, into your life. So if you do decide that you need to transition, hell, even if you don't decide but it's clear that you know it still could be a possibility at some point in your lives (hint, it's a possibility in the lives of everyone since shit happens and we all die some day) it's worth having a transition and healing plan in place. It's worth understanding what those impacts would be and what sort of support each of you might need in order to heal.

Honestly, I can't say that I blame you. My husband and I are poly and kinky. I have no trouble with him dating other people. However, we are 24/7 D/s. While I don't put limits on his other connections because I strongly feel that's not my purview, I know that I would feel similarly to you if he formed another relationship that was 24/7 D/s.

I'm sure if I had to, I could deal with it... but D/s is demanding enough that I'm not sure how well it would work for him to be a full time submissive to two different Dominants, anyway. Playtime D/s wouldn't bother me at all, just lifestyle. I also feel like it would take away from, he is mine and I am his. Which is totally independent of poly but I don't know how else to explain it.

For now, I've left it as, we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. But it would worry me if, as in your case, he was specifically looking for that type of connection.

I don't have any good advice, but I wanted to empathize with you.

This is the only place I've ever seen anyone suggest that CG/little relationships can't be polyamorous. It's absolutely not true. You just need to be on Fetlife to know that it isn't true. Some people do reserve this type of relationship for one partner for their own reasons but it isn't a default by any means. Please don't get sucked into thinking that isn't "bad poly" if your partner does want other babygirls. It might not work for you but it isn't wrong as is being suggested here.

If I may speak for FallenAngelina, I don't think she said it's "wrong" to have a poly DD/lg dynamics. She sais poly defeats (her perceived) purpose of DD/lg. I'd take this as the heart of the message:

FallenAngelina said:

DD/lg by its very nature invites the exploration of the most tender of buried and dark places in a person.

Click to expand...

Of course, this is very true for all of kink, but not every relationship is built on this foundation to the same degree, and not every dark place has the same sensitivities. As far as I understand the dynamics (and I don't claim I do, as everyone's reasons for kink are so individual), the little girl by her very role regresses to a time where abandonment was life-threatening. If the OP's dynamics is built in that way, well, that's an additional challenge to poly.

"This kind of relationship is very different than your garden variety poly situation."

"That's the reason for the DD/lg agreement:"

"It wouldn't work if the sisters were not close"

"There's poly kinkery and then there's the DD/lg and they are two different animals."

These are sweeping statements.


" I agree with Tinwen. It's perfectly fine for you to want to keep this relationship CLOSED/EXCLUSIVE. MARRIAGE is very different than your garden variety poly situation. MARRIAGE by its very nature invites the exploration of the most tender of buried and dark places in a person. That's the reason for MARRIAGE: the WIFE needs extreme care taking to an extent that people in most ROMANTIC relationships don't require. Actually, most ROMANTIC relationships necessitate more self management and independence than the average, so in my view, poly relationships fall on the opposite end of the spectrum from MARRIAGE. I don't see how they would overlap unless there's also a deep (and I mean deep) sisterly bond among the WIVES. It wouldn't work if the WIVES were not close and that is something you can't just order up or ask the WIVES to develop. It seems an extremely rare situation. I know of one such family and they are Fetlife celebrities for the very reason that their family is so extraordinarily unheard of. The HUSBAND seems quite mature and experienced, so that's a factor in their success, as well.

I only know one HUSBAND in real life and he is poly but when he has a MARRIAGE relationship going on, there is only one WIFE in his life. The whole purpose of his being her HUSBAND is that he is hers and she is special to him in only the way his WIFE can be. I see on Fetlife that there are poly D/S relationships, but I don't see any successful poly MARRIAGES, other than the one mentioned. There's poly kinkery and then there's MARRIAGE and they are two different animals. To me, poly defeats the very purpose of the dynamic you have with your HUSBAND"

Reads rather differently when you change it to another relationship style, doesn't it? It's offensive to married, poly people.

Tinwen said:

If I may speak for FallenAngelina, I don't think she said it's "wrong" to have a poly DD/lg dynamics. She sais poly defeats (her perceived) purpose of DD/lg. I'd take this as the heart of the message:

Of course, this is very true for all of kink, but not every relationship is built on this foundation to the same degree, and not every dark place has the same sensitivities. As far as I understand the dynamics (and I don't claim I do, as everyone's reasons for kink are so individual), the little girl by her very role regresses to a time where abandonment was life-threatening. If the OP's dynamics is built in that way, well, that's an additional challenge to poly.

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I think you're mixing up the mental health conditions DID and someone being a little.

SEASONEDpolyAgain said:

I think you're mixing up the mental health conditions DID and someone being a little.

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I don't think so. I'll try to be more clear.
I don't view myself as a little, but my kink dynamics sometimes leads to elements of regression. Regression is not dissociation, you don't detach from reality, but you do feel like a child. It's a normal defense mechanism that every person has, and can be very healing if done in a safe environment. Old patterns of hurt can be overwritten by new positive experience, needs that were not met in childhood may be finally fulfilled. However, as with any kind of vulnerability, new hurt can also come about easily.

If your point is that there is vulnerability, childhood stuff, and regression in any kind of romantic relationship, I take your point and agree mostly. DD/lg may be no different, or there may be no sharp distinction. I still think DD/lg is likely to play with regression intentionally, and in that be a more direct link to childhood stuff.
Maybe BathedInSalt can tell us if she feels her little dynamics is built in that way

I'm regularly involved in CG/little circles and there are regular polls both on and offline around whether the kink is inspired by childhood trauma. It varies just as much as any other kink and probably as much as the wider population. Many find this assumption that it's about issues in childhood extremely stigmatizing. Especially for the CG who is assumed to prey on people with abusive or at least negative pasts.

My point is that the idea CG/little relationships are not compatible with polyamory as a default is completely untrue. This is the 2nd thread I've seen with that assertion and it's very unhelpful.

SEASONEDpolyAgain said:

I'm regularly involved in CG/little circles and there are regular polls both on and offline around whether the kink is inspired by childhood trauma. It varies just as much as any other kink and probably as much as the wider population.

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That makes sense, I guess.

Many find this assumption that it's about issues in childhood extremely stigmatizing. Especially for the CG who is assumed to prey on people with abusive or at least negative pasts.

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Oh my god, that didn't even cross my mind as an assumption. If anything, I'd think the "Daddy" is the one to provide safe healing space.

I don't see it as stigmatizing in any way when I say (a) kink dynamics touches childhood stuff. To me it's amazing that this is possible in kink. After all, everybody has childhood issues. I guess I'm a part of a different paradigm

My point is that the idea CG/little relationships are not compatible with polyamory as a default is completely untrue. This is the 2nd thread I've seen with that assertion and it's very unhelpful.

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I take your word on it.

Tinwen said:

If I may speak for FallenAngelina, I don't think she said it's "wrong" to have a poly DD/lg dynamics. She sais poly defeats (her perceived) purpose of DD/lg.

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Yup. That's just my take on this topic.

To me, poly isn't suited for this unique type of relationship agreement. I offer this opinion because the OP seems to have some guilt about wanting her DD/lg relationship to remain the only one in an otherwise poly agreement and I very much understand why she would want to keep this exclusive. There's no need to take offense or broadly construe my motives as malevolent. It's merely my opinion and yes, I spend a considerable amount of time on Fetlife and have RL experience in this arena. It's my opinion, one of many offered in this discussion. Perhaps it is not helpful to those who find success incorporating multiple partners into this unique type of relationship that calls for extreme vulnerability, but perhaps it is helpful to the OP or to someone else who is reading along. It's just my opinion, not a decree.