Where do you start?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by arrowhead

Socializing is one of my big questions. So what should I expect at a poly event?

I asked this question soon after I first joined, and got some good feedback. I also shared my experiences, but mind you, it's from a single woman's perspective:

Going to poly events/happenings

I went to a few more after that last post of mine. I guess I should add an update next time I go. Maybe some others can also add to that thread after attending a function?

In NYC, we have both types of events -- some "educational" where speakers are invited to give a talk, and some more social (monthly basis), where hitting on people happens (but they do have rules to keep people safe and comfortable). There are two major organized groups here. One of them split off the original, I think because of some differences in how they wanted things run. They both announce their meetings via meetup.com and yahoo groups. You can sign up to receive emails from them for announcements. I don't go very often because the community is so small here, but maybe I will check it out next time. I did make a very nice friend connection at one event, and other more casual friendships. Having poly friends in real life is nice, to be able to bounce things off of -- and to use poly lingo and not get weird looks.

Check out the regional and "Meetings and Events" forums here for your area - perhaps someone posts announcements there. Whenever I get my email from the group I post it here.

[Blondie2]

Thank you for the input above. I am new to poly and am trying to navigate it as well.

I'm currently reading 'Opening Up - A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships'. Also, I'm going to get my hands on 'The Ethical Slut'.

Sagency, I appreciate what you have written as advice for someone new to poly. I've been to a few events already, am meeting someone in a few weeks whose been poly for 10 years and will hopefully be attending a women's group that meets regularly, the next meeting which is in September.

I was married and involved with my ex-husband for 17 years. I honestly don't believe that one person can fulfill all the needs of another.

I've discussed what I would like in the way of a poly relationship, with a guy I know who is poly. Two guys and one girl, but I'm just at the moment, trying to meet people and not have great expectations of who, what, when, etc.

Anyway, I appreciate what people post on here and it helps

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by arrowhead

Just wondering...did you say you were poly on the dating site? If so, do most people know what it is or did they just ask a lot of questions.

I used OKC, where you can highlight words so that they come up in searches other members make. I'm not sure how it works, but at least some polyfolks do regular searches for new OKC members in their area who use the word poly, polyamorous etc. in their profiles. I've not received any questions, two people have contacted me specifically responding to the mention of my polyamory and were interested in a relationship, and two guys who were single and looking for monogamous connections I had to turn down after browsing their profiles because they clearly hadn't either read my profile or didn't understand what polyamory was. In OKC you can answer questions around poly, monogamy etc. and then emphasize those answers so that members who have answered similarly to you show higher match procents.

Many polyfolks simply mention their partners' OKC user name on their profiles too, which is easy enough to get .

Originally Posted by arrowhead

Is being a straight woman really a minority in poly land? So are most poly women bi?

There's some discussion around that in the Gay, Bi, Queer Polyamory-thread. If you look at all forms of consensual non-monogamy (polygamy and swinging/open relationships/BDSM scene included), straight women are probably the majority. However, very specific types of women seem to gravitate towards active participation in the poly community. Of those, many more than you would expect based on conventional statistics alone are bisexual/pansexual (attracted to genderqueer people also).

Just take a look at the lingo; triads, unicorns, HBB (Hot Bi Babe), OPP (one penis policy). One Vagina Policies exist but are much rarer, as are male unicorns (some would argue that by definition, an unicorn has to be female). Although this is the fantasy image of poly (one man, two women all romantically involved) many encounter first, it is actually much rarer than vees, for example.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I'm a straight woman, which seems to be a bit of a minority in poly-land, so I do not limit my socializing and looking for potential partners to the poly community . . .

Well, I don't know enough to say that most poly women are bi- (or pan-sexual) or not. Probably the women in religious polygamous situations are mostly straight, I'm just guessing. But it sure seems to me that being straight and a woman, I am definitely among the minority at the poly gatherings I've been to! But I've only been to a few.

At least in NYC the polyfolk that gather together are very closely associated with LGBT and sex-positive groups, so when I go to poly happenings here, I've often felt like the only straight woman in the room. It makes sense -- these are safe spaces. If I were bi or gay, plenty of women showed interest in me.

I certainly feel welcome, don't get me wrong about that.

But even when I tell mainstream types (outside of a poly setting) that I've embraced polyamory, they are often surprised that I am straight. Well, actually, it's mostly straight men who are surprised. The women I talk to totally get wanting to have more than one guy, heh-heh (although a few mono women I know have lamented, "I can't even meet one guy, and you want two or three?" How selfish of me, right?).

I guess straight men just assume that poly is something that would only make sense if a woman wants both a male and female partner -- and I've seen a look of disgust come over them if I tell them I'm not bi and they realize I want more than one penis in my life, like that makes me super slutty. Of course, they'd be totally into it if I were about to kiss another woman in front of them (). You know those straight guys!

I am sure there are plenty people of all genders and orientations practicing poly, but perhaps many of them haven't yet discovered that there's a word for it, or they're happy behind closed doors and not about to socialize with a bunch of radicals like us (heh-heh), and so they're not showing up at the get-togethers I know about. But in NYC, everyone is so busy, stressed, and has long commutes that it's hard to get a regular crowd in any topic of interest to come together beyond a core dedicated few. The poly community could be very different where you are.

Gosh, I've been rambling. But now I'm re-reading my quote above and I think what I said is a bit odd. I don't think it's only the issue of being straight that makes me want to look for potential partners outside my local poly community; it's that the gatherings, for me as a woman, have tended to give off a bit of a meat market feeling, AND I haven't been attracted to most of the guys I've met there (though I have made some nice friends). But talking about it in this thread has motivated me. I will definitely check out the next poly event here and see how it goes!

[affablegreen]

I think I started by thinking about myself differently. That was all. Just sitting with the idea and thinking about who I was, who I had always been... the kind of relationships I felt, the way I felt towards everyone around me.

So, that was the first step. And then things just flowed out of me differently... how I behaved towards people, how I loved everyone around me... it just came out of me differently.

Not to pick on you, but of course you can't "start from scratch". You've got a history of relationships, you have friendships and flirtations and so forth... it is all part of who you are.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

If you look at all forms of consensual non-monogamy (polygamy and swinging/open relationships/BDSM scene included) . . .

Since when is BDSM considered a relationship structure?

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Since when is BDSM considered a relationship structure?

It's not so much about "since when" but "by whom".

The master/slave or dominant/submissive aspect could be considered as a "structure" by those involved.

[nycindie]

Yes, but BDSM isn't really a form of non-monogamy, as BU categorized it. It's simply a wide-ranging dynamic that people practice, whether they are poly or mono, correct?

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Yes, but BDSM isn't really a form of non-monogamy, as BU categorized it. It's simply a wide-ranging dynamic that people practice, whether they are poly or mono, correct?

Correct. Not a form of non-monogamy. Could be a "structure" though. "Structure" and "dynamic" are to "relationship" as "particle" and "wave" are to "quantum physics".

[nycindie]

I realize I asked the wrong question when I posted "Since when is BDSM considered a relationship structure?" But it was almost 3am when I did that and I should have been asleep. I was actually balking at it being called a kind of non-monogamy.