Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

nycindie

Active member
Okay, so since coming here, I have read lots of personal stories about tribes, triads, and vees (oh my!)... and quads and other various configurations for polyamorous relationships. I am learning so much and appreciating all the new perspectives and depth of revelation people have given me here. It seems that there are quite a number of of people focused on these types of relationships, ie., building families with kids, having primaries, secondaries, and so on all living together, which is great -- but so NOT what I'm into (and that may have to do with my urban lifestyle as much as anything else). So -- I am wondering about the solo poly person.

Being that I am coming out of a 10-year+ mono marriage and considering poly for myself now as a newly-minted-single-again-person, I know I'm not interested in getting married again for quite some time (if ever), and I am 50 now and have never been interested in having kids. I am beginning to love having my apartment to myself again, now that hubby has moved out, and am looking forward to enjoying my independence and getting to know myself better with some quality alone time.

I love reading about all the ways poly works for so many different people, and I keep wondering what would work for me. Not sure if I want a primary (besides myself), however that is defined. When I think about the possibility of living polyamorously, I have some images/conceptualizations that come to mind, and then it gets a little murky. Of course, what's possible in reality usually far surpasses our dreams of what we want, but it can be useful to have a picture to move toward.

So I thought I'd throw out some questions to anyone out there who is unattached or considers themselves a solo poly person. What is your ideal situation? Are you already there or hoping to get there? I look forward to reading your responses while I formulate my own. Thanks!
 
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Thanks for asking this... I have attempted to prompt conversation, at least from the sex side, but it's tough going... and... I don't get a lot of it.... I hope you get some insightful responses. I can't wait to hear more! :D

I would like to know thoughts on what the difference between dating and solo poly (I like this term, I have heard references to "single" but that is a bit of an oxymoron for me)...
 
I think my "ideal" would be a closed V or triad with 2 female partners. But I do find that to still be a little too restrictive. The best way would be to just see what happens and where it goes. Work out the bumps on the way. I may end up just being with one person at a time. It's not as if I can know when another person would come along that I wanted to be with. =] I can't tell if whoever I was already with would be ok with that until I asked either. I wouldn't leave someone I love just to "find out" if it would work with someone else. Not again. It was a terrible mistake for me to make back then. It left me feeling terrible. If only I could have known about poly back then and maybe talked it through with them both.
 
For me the definition of Polyamoury is the answer to your question. Many Loves. Love being the operative word here. If we (we are a couple again) find one more person and fall in love then we become a V or triad depending on orientation(?). If by some miracle we found another person that we all loved then a quad, if another couple then a quint(?). lol
And on it goes. Our ideal depends on how fortunate we are to find other Poly people that we are also lucky enough to care deeply about and it is reciprocated by them. That in itself is a minor miracle.
So long answer longer, our ideal would end up being wherever our hearts take us.
IThink.​
 
I am relatively new, not so much to theoretical poly, because a lot of compersionate sideline plots are involved in standard sci fi and fantasy genre reading, but to the practice of such in real life. I am in a committed relationship with my husband, and what other relationship or relationships? develop will have a lot to do with meeting a compatible other or others, how much time we all have, and whether we are all mature enough to not have it all blow up in our faces in a nasty way. Right now, I think I am more looking for a friend or two with the long term potential to become more, and I am not even looking that hard, because I am actually pretty good personality wise at hanging out with just me for extended periods, although I find contact with other people enjoyable and interesting.
 
I have been thinking about my own question since having posted it. I guess I really want to know what solo poly people fantasize about being the kinds of relationship situations/structures they want. Basically, I feel at this point in my life as I head into being a divorced person on my own, I don't want to jump into another cohabitation setup again. Not saying I won't ever, but I don't see it happening for a long while. My ideal situation would be to remain independent, living on my own, and to have two to four long-term boyfriends whom I see at varying frequency depending on how involved/invested we are. Like maybe one of them would be someone I see very infrequently for romantic trips or something, and others would be more involved and familiar with my day-to-day life. I know this may seem selfish, but I like the idea of one of them being totally mono with me. In my fantasy, I don't feel it necessary for all of them to meet and get along, but if they did, that would be nice. I would want to be up front and honest with all of them, so that we all know what's going on and we all play safe.

A long time ago, in the early 1980s, when I moved into my first NYC apartment, a handyman working on my kitchen said to me, "Oh, a young girl like you's gotta get a few different boyfriends - one's a doctor, one's a dentist, one's a plumber, one's a carpenter, so you get everything done." It made me laugh back then, but if I think about the different sides of who I am, I would want a boyfriend that gets along with each, one intellectual, one creative, one down-to-earth, one geeky.

It's all just a fantasy, anyway. ;)
 
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Hi, nycindie. I consider myself a solo poly person. If I had to define my current relationship type, it would be viewed as a vee with me and the wife of my partner being close to the very top of the legs but I don't choose to label many things. I am in a relationship with a married man whose wife is fully aware. I, like you, am not interested in getting married, as it is defined in this society,(I feel it is unfair to your partners if you know you live a multi lifestyle) unless there comes a time where I can marry more than one person. My kids are 17 and 11 (teen lives with me) so I am not interested in having anymore. I, too, enjoy my own personal space and, though, I would consider investing in a single place with my partners (whenever that becomes plural), I am also just as content living separately.

Currently, my ideal relationship would probably consist of four people. I, along with my two male partners, would be primary in each other's lives (men don't necessarily have to be primary to each other but I would definitely condone it) and my one female partner would be secondary. I would have regular interaction with both my male partners and probably weekly to biweekly interaction with my female partner who may or may not be permanently attached outside of our relationship and may or may not regularly interact with one of my male primaries. This committed poly quad would also have extended boundaries where we are open to sexual interaction with others but reserve our emotional attachments to each other. Yea...I know it sounds like a fairytale. :D
 
Hmmmm, this is all very new to me. I am divorced and live mainly alone, two children aged 18 and 16 ish. I am independent, secure within myself and happy to be single (ie; not re-marry at any point). I am seeing a man from abroad and he is separated, his wife knows about me and him trying to be polyamorous. I am struggling because their relationship keeps changing, she is not into polyamory and to be honest I am not sure I am. Of course, before I fell in love with this man, I thought I could be and I had many fantasies about it .... it seemed ideal. I am totally in love with him and feel if I sought to find someone else it would somehow diminish my love for him ??? At the moment I feel in limbo and sometimes due to language difficulties we get confused. Do I stick with this but keep my own options open ?? Or do I jump ship and take care of myself ?
 
Hmmmm, this is all very new to me. I am divorced and live mainly alone, two children aged 18 and 16 ish. I am independent, secure within myself and happy to be single (ie; not re-marry at any point). I am seeing a man from abroad and he is separated, his wife knows about me and him trying to be polyamorous. I am struggling because their relationship keeps changing, she is not into polyamory and to be honest I am not sure I am. Of course, before I fell in love with this man, I thought I could be and I had many fantasies about it .... it seemed ideal. I am totally in love with him and feel if I sought to find someone else it would somehow diminish my love for him ??? At the moment I feel in limbo and sometimes due to language difficulties we get confused. Do I stick with this but keep my own options open ?? Or do I jump ship and take care of myself ?

As I've heard a million times and believe it more than anything...
"Love doesn't divide, it multiplies."
You should stick with this guy and just keep your options open. It doesn't sound like you are having any major problems and you say you love him. I don't see anything there that should make you leave. =]
 
I'm currently in a relationship with a married couple. I started by dating him, and grew closer to her. Eventually, all three of us are dating. (Full disclosure: we've only been dating about 3 months).

Interestingly, recently he admitted that they considered a quad the ideal relationship. After reading about all the couples looking for a unicorn, I was a bit surprised. They have been poly for almost two decades, so they've had triads, V's, etc.

In time, after this relationship has developed a foundation, I can imagine adding another man... completing a quad. I've discovered that being open to whatever comes---well, amazing things happen.
 
I'm not solo--- I'm in a serious relationship with one other person, and I've been in a variety of poly relationships in various capacities in the past.

A tribe is an ideal for both me and my partner. We want friends and lovers around us to and for support. I personally don't distinguish terribly much between friends and lovers. I'd like to have a big house with a lot of people in it to love.
 
The sex is awesome

Hi,

I just started a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. She really prefers sex with women and so does he so......the idea of a strong friendship rather than just bed-hopping really appealed to me but I was pleasantly surprised at how great the sex is as well. But it's not everything; we are very well-rounded, fit and educated people with many interests so there is always something to do / talk about. And so far jealousy has not been a problem; they are very strongly committed and loving. I feel lucky to be part of this.
 
I consider myself a solo poly person. Also left a long term marriage...and really feel like focusing the next few years on building my life and my interests. I also don't want to co-habit with anyone, and I really like and value my alone time and space...I've a child at home too - so obviously want loads of my time and energy to be spent with him. This does not mean I can't share though..
I don't really have any fixed ideas about what potential relationships would look like...other than the usual - honest, open, caring, respectful, fun etc. My aim would be to build relationships on those foundations....rather than a picture of what they may look like. I like the idea of relationships being purely about the people involved not a bigger picture or script. The idea of marriage and settling down is not appealing to me...and I find if someone tries to put me on that path I feel instantly uncomfortable. It feels much more refreshing and real for me to have relationships about the here and now, and the bond or connection...rather than a predetermined path or script. It's a little hard to describe...but If I feel like someone is interested due to "potential long term partner" or "potential wife", it starts to feel less about me and more about the role I'm expected to play in someone else's life or a script that was written long before I arrived..
I'm not an actress....I don't want to play a role ! :)
Just want to be me...
 
It's a little hard to describe...but If I feel like someone is interested due to "potential long term partner" or "potential wife", it starts to feel less about me and more about the role I'm expected to play in someone else's life or a script that was written long before I arrived..
I'm not an actress....I don't want to play a role ! :)
Just want to be me...
Ahh, you said it beautifully!

This is why my husband left, I didn't fit his picture of what a wife should be. He could not appreciate me for who I am. I don't want to be in that kind of situation ever again!
 
Ahh, you said it beautifully!

This is why my husband left, I didn't fit his picture of what a wife should be. He could not appreciate me for who I am. I don't want to be in that kind of situation ever again!

Yes, I understand. I don't want to be there either !

I guess that's why I try to avoid having too much of a script or expectation of what future relationships may look like. That may be a little too much pressure for future partners. I think it's good mental exercise to have your mind imagine various types or relationships and combinations of relationships...but ultimately...they are completely dependant on the people we meet, and the ground we can negotiate at the time...and the communication etc.
I don't want an expectation to be too solid in my head....as it's entirely possible that would potentially close off something great.

I also support the concept of Serendipity - the idea you can find something wonderful whilst looking for something else. I don't want my expectations or desires to be too rigid or set....as that may risk serendipitous wonderfulness :)
 
Well, I am 55, pansexual, queer, separated and divorcing my husband. I'm in a relationship with a woman now, for almost 2 yrs, but we dont live together, just spend several days a week together at her place or mine. We live 20 miles apart. My 19 yr old son lives with me part time.

Ive had an idea I'd also like a local boyfriend who wants to be a real part of my life, do things together, travel, museums, eating out or cooking together, movies, get to know my kids and gf, etc. Havent found him, after 2 long years! I have had some great experiences with men over the 2 yrs, as well as several (fairly minor) heartaches. But nothing long lasting except for one faithful boytoy, good for a fantastic booty call and some laughs.

But I sure don't wanna live with a guy any time soon and I dont want to ever get married again... I might move in w my gf some day, but thats up in the air. I love being with a woman, she is such a better communicator than my ex, or any other man I've dated the past 2 yrs.

Before I met her I thought I'd just be dating casually for a while. Funny how the universe brought her to me before I even knew I wanted her. Thanks, Venus!
 
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Currently, my ideal relationship would probably consist of four people. I, along with my two male partners, would be primary in each other's lives (men don't necessarily have to be primary to each other but I would definitely condone it) and my one female partner would be secondary. I would have regular interaction with both my male partners and probably weekly to biweekly interaction with my female partner who may or may not be permanently attached outside of our relationship and may or may not regularly interact with one of my male primaries. This committed poly quad would also have extended boundaries where we are open to sexual interaction with others but reserve our emotional attachments to each other. Yea...I know it sounds like a fairytale. :D

Wow, you've got a dream, girlfriend!
 
And yet, like a greedy bitch, I want a guy just as nice as her as well. lol
 
I don't really have any fixed ideas about what potential relationships would look like...other than the usual - honest, open, caring, respectful, fun etc. My aim would be to build relationships on those foundations....rather than a picture of what they may look like. I like the idea of relationships being purely about the people involved not a bigger picture or script. The idea of marriage and settling down is not appealing to me...and I find if someone tries to put me on that path I feel instantly uncomfortable. It feels much more refreshing and real for me to have relationships about the here and now, and the bond or connection...rather than a predetermined path or script. It's a little hard to describe...but If I feel like someone is interested due to "potential long term partner" or "potential wife", it starts to feel less about me and more about the role I'm expected to play in someone else's life or a script that was written long before I arrived..
I'm not an actress....I don't want to play a role ! :)
Just want to be me...
I have no idea what it would be like to be in a marriage where there was a script for what I am "suppose to be." I'm so sorry that you have been through that. I just want you to know that not all men subscribe to gender roles or the roles of what it means to be a wife or husband. There is a large number of men out there who are willing, or even insisting that there not be roles as such unless one falls into them naturally and is comfortable because it is who they are....

I married PN 10 years ago this summer and he has always been of the opinion that I am to be who I am. He just wanted to share that with me and I with him. I have never been the wife in a traditional sense and he the husband, much to the confusion and sometimes annoyance of some of our more conservative family members.

We actually are glad to have Mono in our lives because sometimes PN and I are both the wives and Mono the husband in terms of gender roles. Mono fixes stuff and we just sit there and admire him for it. Mono doesn't organize family dinners and stuff, PN and I do. PN does the finances and Mono and I don't... Mono does his own. I do the shopping and PN the cooking more often than not. Mono cleans the dishes... we all do what we can because we like it that way, not because we feel we have to to fill a role.

I hope that what ever those who are single and poly are aiming for in their lives happens for them in order to be happy, but please remember that marriage and any committed relationship is made of whatever you bring to it and are willing to create... yes there are expectations that are not obvious when we marry; there are always expectations, but the key to success in committed relationships, I think, is to find the assumptions and espectations, talk about them and shift them to something workable for all concerned. Be flexible and open to change. If its unworkable then the relationship is done and it's time to move on and find someone(s) that work... that isn't the fault of marriage or our culture, that is just how it is and sometimes who the person is. If it is the fault of our culture then its up to us to make the change, because "we" are the culture... I think that is happening slowly with the existence of relationship dynamics such as poly in terms of poly fi and poly family tribes.

Hope that makes sense.
 
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