Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-08-2011, 10:54 PM
arrowhead arrowhead is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Default Where do you start?

I have been a jumble of thoughts for weeks now. I lurked on this forum for many weeks off-and-on over the last year before finally joining. I have come to realize that I think I am poly and now I don't know what to do. I am a fish out of water trying to navigate something where I don't know anyone personally that is in this lifestyle. I am afraid of saying anything to anyone about it b/c I am not sure of my footing or that I'll be misunderstood. Nobody except one really good friend knows that I think this way. Has anybody here started from scratch and built a poly life?

I could really use some advice here. Thanks.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-09-2011, 05:25 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by arrowhead View Post
I have been a jumble of thoughts for weeks now. I lurked on this forum for many weeks off-and-on over the last year before finally joining. I have come to realize that I think I am poly and now I don't know what to do. I am a fish out of water trying to navigate something where I don't know anyone personally that is in this lifestyle. I am afraid of saying anything to anyone about it b/c I am not sure of my footing or that I'll be misunderstood. Nobody except one really good friend knows that I think this way. Has anybody here started from scratch and built a poly life?

I could really use some advice here. Thanks.
ya, most people.

Look in the events section here, on dating sites to find events and like minded people... and decide what you are looking for. A "lifestyle" indicates you could be mono with someone if it should happen; make sure you know one way or the other is this is your identity or a lifestyle and what kind of people you want to attract.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-09-2011, 09:48 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Hullo there!

Yes, there are plenty of people who have started out single, building their networks from scratch. I did a bit of reading on poly (print and online) before braving my first ever visit to the local group. I've met my male partner Moonlightrunner through the group, and was also for a few months in a triad with him and his wife Windflower. I joined OKCupid around the same time and was briefly involved with a guy who contacted me there, and through him I met my female partner VanillaIce. My first ever polyship was with a married man whom I met through online gaming. So there are lots of possibilities for open-minded people who don't have too definite expectations as to what they are looking for .

I've read this forum with gusto ever since joining. Just like with any major life-change, be it conversion, moving to a new country or embarking on poly, it pays to prepare beforehand and do your reading. People's experiences are ultimately not that different from each other. Do a tag/thread search on "singles", "dating" and "solo poly" and see if there's something you can resonate with!

The biggest beginner's mistake I think many people do (and I certainly did) is to go out with a very specific shopping list of how many partners in which relationship geometry they want, where everyone will live, who will see whom how often and who is allowed to go out with whom to do what with etc. ad nauseaum, often before meeting anyone who could actually be a potential partner. Real life is organic and full of surprises, and so are real relationships as opposed to fantasy. Generally the more open you are to love, the more love will find your way.

Welcome!
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-09-2011, 08:31 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,107
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by arrowhead View Post
I have been a jumble of thoughts for weeks now. . . . Nobody except one really good friend knows that I think this way. Has anybody here started from scratch and built a poly life?
Yes, I am starting from scratch, so to speak. I chose to embrace poly after my husband unexpectedly asked for a divorce and moved out. So, I'm a solo act, hoping to build my male harem (). I guess things are going more slowly for me, now. When I first became separated, after a few months of utter devastation and sobbing, I kind of jumped into some situations that backfired on me. But I was feeling lonely and needed some validation. Now, I am being a little more level-headed about engaging in relationships, I think. I tend to be very introspective, and like my alone time, so I'm not in a hurry to have three boyfriends (which would be my ideal). I'm a straight woman, which seems to be a bit of a minority in poly-land, so I do not limit my socializing and looking for potential partners to the poly community, which in NYC is surprisingly small. I find it easier to date "civilians" -- folks who have never heard of the word polyamory -- and I generally just discuss it as being non-exclusive.

It could help to fantasize a bit about how you envision polyamory in your life so you can possibly see how you can realize it. Feel free to sort out your "jumble of thoughts" on this thread: Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

And welcome!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 08-10-2011 at 04:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-10-2011, 04:08 AM
nicothoe's Avatar
nicothoe nicothoe is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Montgomery, IL
Posts: 64
Default

I remember not so longer ago when overnight I went from being mono to poly, and was left wondering, "okay, now what?" Hmmmmm...perhaps it was a over a few days, or maybe weeks, but let's forget that, I am going for the dramatic!

So anyway, while the wife now found herself with a boyfriend, all I had was my insecurities and the dreams of what may be. (Yeah yeah people, I'm still being overly dramatic). One conclusion I did reach however, was that I wasn't going to find a new romantic interest passing through my living room. For that, I needed to socialize. To actually leave the house and meet people. It was quite the revelation!

I was fortunate in that I immediately found a local poly group. While such groups aren't necessarily "meat markets", I did meet my current girlfriend there. But I also made some new friends. The hostess of the poly group also hosted a game night, and a drum circle (neither of which are poly-related). I even acquired friends from the girlfriend. I went camping with her, and made even more.

When I started out, my initial goal was simply to develop a network of friends, and perhaps find new activities and hobbies. Dating was always at the back of the mind, but it was never the primary focus. Relationships have a nasty habit of springing out of nowhere when you least suspect.

Last edited by nicothoe; 08-10-2011 at 04:17 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-10-2011, 10:12 PM
arrowhead arrowhead is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
ya, most people.

Look in the events section here, on dating sites to find events and like minded people... and decide what you are looking for. A "lifestyle" indicates you could be mono with someone if it should happen; make sure you know one way or the other is this is your identity or a lifestyle and what kind of people you want to attract.
Thanks RP. I will look in the events section for groups in my area.

Regarding whether I know if I am poly or not - I seem to gravitate to lots of different women my whole life. They all have had something to offer and I loved them for that. I also want to give to many different people. I came to the conclusion over the last few years that it made little sense to expect one person to meet all my needs all the time or me for them. The ownership model in our patriarchal culture seemed broken and that I didn't fit in it. I am not down on a mono relationship, just thinking it may not be totally for me at this place in my life. So...making sure I know whether this is my identity or not seems incomplete w/o at least some experience. Intuitively it seems like I would like it though.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-10-2011, 10:30 PM
arrowhead arrowhead is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hullo there!

Yes, there are plenty of people who have started out single, building their networks from scratch. I did a bit of reading on poly (print and online) before braving my first ever visit to the local group. I've met my male partner Moonlightrunner through the group, and was also for a few months in a triad with him and his wife Windflower. I joined OKCupid around the same time and was briefly involved with a guy who contacted me there, and through him I met my female partner VanillaIce. My first ever polyship was with a married man whom I met through online gaming. So there are lots of possibilities for open-minded people who don't have too definite expectations as to what they are looking for .

I've read this forum with gusto ever since joining. Just like with any major life-change, be it conversion, moving to a new country or embarking on poly, it pays to prepare beforehand and do your reading. People's experiences are ultimately not that different from each other. Do a tag/thread search on "singles", "dating" and "solo poly" and see if there's something you can resonate with!

The biggest beginner's mistake I think many people do (and I certainly did) is to go out with a very specific shopping list of how many partners in which relationship geometry they want, where everyone will live, who will see whom how often and who is allowed to go out with whom to do what with etc. ad nauseaum, often before meeting anyone who could actually be a potential partner. Real life is organic and full of surprises, and so are real relationships as opposed to fantasy. Generally the more open you are to love, the more love will find your way.

Welcome!
Thanks for the advice on some of your early-on experiences with local groups and dating sites. Just wondering...did you say you were poly on the dating site? If so, do most people know what it is or did they just ask a lot of questions.

Good advice not to be too rigid in what I want to begin with. I generally know what I want but want to be open too b/c it could lead to something really great - who knows. Without knowing the potential partners involved and their situations and such, it would seem way too early to make decisions about who would live with whom, when, etc. Real people are definitely not fantasy; they have needs, wants, and desires just like I do. Real relationships take time and answering questions like those seem way down the line.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-10-2011, 10:39 PM
arrowhead arrowhead is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, I am starting from scratch, so to speak. I chose to embrace poly after my husband unexpectedly asked for a divorce and moved out. So, I'm a solo act, hoping to build my male harem (). I guess things are going more slowly for me, now. When I first became separated, after a few months of utter devastation and sobbing, I kind of jumped into some situations that backfired on me. But I was feeling lonely and needed some validation. Now, I am being a little more level-headed about engaging in relationships, I think. I tend to be very introspective, and like my alone time, so I'm not in a hurry to have three boyfriends (which would be my ideal). I'm a straight woman, which seems to be a bit of a minority in poly-land, so I do not limit my socializing and looking for potential partners to the poly community, which in NYC is surprisingly small. I find it easier to date "civilians" -- folks who have never heard of the word polyamory -- and I generally just discuss it as being non-exclusive.

It could help to fantasize a bit about how you envision polyamory in your life so you can possibly see how you can realize it. Feel free to sort out your "jumble of thoughts" on this thread: Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

And welcome!
Thanks for the welcome.

Interesting hearing your story nycindie. I am in the middle of a divorce but have decided this is the way I need to go for the future. I understand the feeling lonely part and needing validation. I go up and down with that too but it has got better over time. I want to go slow. Funny...I would like 3 girlfriends (LOL).

Is being a straight woman really a minority in poly land? So are most poly women bi? That doesn't bother me mind you. Perhaps I need to read up some more.

I will look at the solo poly people thread. Thanks.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-10-2011, 10:47 PM
arrowhead arrowhead is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicothoe View Post
...One conclusion I did reach however, was that I wasn't going to find a new romantic interest passing through my living room. For that, I needed to socialize. To actually leave the house and meet people. It was quite the revelation!

I was fortunate in that I immediately found a local poly group. While such groups aren't necessarily "meat markets", I did meet my current girlfriend there. But I also made some new friends. The hostess of the poly group also hosted a game night, and a drum circle (neither of which are poly-related). I even acquired friends from the girlfriend. I went camping with her, and made even more.
Socializing is one of my big questions. So what should I expect at a poly event? Is it one big chat? Are there speakers? What? I am sure they are all different or perhaps have a different vibe. I keep imagining it is like an AA meeting for recovering mono's (LOL) - I have never been an alcoholic BTW.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicothoe View Post
When I started out, my initial goal was simply to develop a network of friends, and perhaps find new activities and hobbies. Dating was always at the back of the mind, but it was never the primary focus. Relationships have a nasty habit of springing out of nowhere when you least suspect.
This sounds like me right now. I just want to meet new friends of like-minded people. Having support and knowing there are others like me is what I need right now. If something develops later, that would be real fun too, but it isn't primary at the moment.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-10-2011, 11:23 PM
sagency's Avatar
sagency sagency is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
Posts: 133
Default

I sort of fell into poly relationships 16 years ago and have has poly and mono relationships intermingled since. I first heard the term polyamory six years ago when I was ending a mono relationship that was faltering because of my poly mindset and lack of jealousy. Five years ago I began to self-identify as poly and stopped trying to fit into mono world.

The most helpful thing in developing my polyife is a weekly poly potluck I attend in the Seattle area. That has been helpful not in acquiring partners but in defining who and what I as well as providing examples, good and bad, to learn from.

As far as finding partners, I have found that there are three imortant aspects:
1) Be the type of person someone would want to be with.
Take care of yourself, be active, and be friendly.

2) Be good to your partner(s).
Take care of your partner, express how great he/she/they is/are, and do not let NRE blind you to what you already have. Why would anyone want to be involved with someone who treats existing partners poorly?

3) Speak up about your lifestyle.
You might not talk about being poly at work, but with friends and new acquaintances vocalize your view. If you have friends who are rabidly antipoly, that could be a problem for relationship development (it adds stress to the situation where accepting friends might welcome any new partner). As you identify and talk about poly views, people may identify as well, and you'll become more comfortable with being an open poly (and comfort = confidence = sexy).
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:59 PM.