Meeting metamours...some advice?

So, I know the primary partner of one of my partners - we were all friends beforehand, and I don't find it difficult at all. It's somewhere on a FWB type arrangement that I have with him (Matt), and it's not super emotionally invested - we were friends before, we're friends still - the emotions are staying on that level of care and affection.

However, my other partner, Robert, is a more recent figure in my life. I only met him in October, and it's much more intense. He lives about an hour from me, easily commutable. His other partner (Yasmin) lives further away - about 3 hours from him. She's up to visit him next weekend, and has expressed an interest in meeting me. I can't decide if i want to or not, because i can't quite predict how i'll react and I'm worried that i'm going to mess something up.

I don't suffer with jealousy when he's seeing her, it doesn't bother me the idea that he's sleeping with someone else, and is emotionally invested in someone else. But part of me wonders if that's just ok while it's in the abstract, but will be much harder when I have a face, a voice, a personality to put to it, to imagine more clearly who he's with when he's away - if it will trigger jealousy that i've not yet experienced. I made the mistake of googling her, and she's utterly, intimidatingly cool and I've got a serious case of the insecurities. I don't have this with Masha (Matt's partner), who is equally amazingly cool - and i think that's in part because she's a known entity, and in part because the relationship i have with him is on a different footing. But I can't deny that there isn't a curiosity on my part to meet Yasmin...i just don't know if it's healthy, at this point, to feed that curiosity. I met his ex-wife last week (they tried poly, she wanted to be monogamous with her other partner), and that was fine. there's clearly a lot of love and affection between them and it was really nice to see. But perhaps my brain is 'ok' with it because it's still being monogamous about things, and I know they aren't sleeping together anymore. I don't know.

Anyway, I know there's no 'rule' that we have to meet, and Rob is certainly not putting any pressure on me to do so. But I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on this to help me think it through? Though, to be honest, I've had a turbulent week with my ex, so perhaps this isn't the best time to be trying to sort through all of this.

just to add, in case it's relevant, the 'type' of meet up would be that I could stay over on the Friday night - she gets in on the saturday morning, and we could have a coffee or something. Not anything more than that...

This is one of those things where I think it depends on the people. Some people find it easier to meet metamores because reality is frequently less scary than our imaginations. Others have no desire to meet. It's all a matter of personal preference. I use to prefer to meet metamores. Now I prefer not to meet until they've been dating awhile (or if I'm the newer partner, if it looks like my relationship with our shared partner is going to be serious.)

As for the logistics, that's also a matter of personal preference. My preference for first meetings is somewhere neutral like a coffee shop or park for the first meeting.

And it's totally ok if this isn't a good week for you emotionally. You can meet another time if you want.

Hi Wishfuldreamer,

I think you will probably be okay to meet Yasmin as long as it's light and not a long visit. Meeting for coffee is a good bet. This way you have time after the visit to assess how you feel, and whether you might want to spend more time with her or if once was enough. In most cases, meeting a metamour tends to reduce (not increase) the likelihood of jealousy. But even if you do feel jealous, that's not the end of the world, it's a feeling that can arise for poly (as well as mono) people. Check out What If I Get Jealous? ... and if you need more jealousy links, I can provide them.

Make it a short/light visit, then return to this thread (in this forum) to tell us how it went, and how you feel. Then we can help you work through any difficult feelings you may be experiencing, though as I said, the odds are that you will actually feel better after you meet her, and then we can offer our congrats!

Anyway that's my 2¢ ...
Regards,
Kevin T.

thanks guys. Pinkpig - yeah, that was also my thinking - maybe she will feel less intimidating if i meet her, in the same way that Masha is. there, i can see what we are each able to give Matt...so maybe i'll see that too if i meet Yasmin. Maybe i won't. I think i need to see how i feel...this week has been a bit of a wringer. I feel like a tired out piece of shoelace.

Re (from Wishfuldreamer):

"She's up to visit him next weekend, and has expressed an interest in meeting me."

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... and re (from Wishfuldreamer):

"I could stay over on the Friday night -- she gets in on the Saturday morning, and we could have a coffee or something."

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When you say next weekend, do you mean tomorrow (the 25th), or February 1st?

Wishfuldreamer said:

So, I know the primary partner of one of my partners - we were all friends beforehand, and I don't find it difficult at all ... But part of me wonders if that's just ok while it's in the abstract, but will be much harder when I have a face, a voice, a personality to put to it, to imagine more clearly who he's with when he's away - if it will trigger jealousy that i've not yet experienced. I made the mistake of googling her, and she's utterly, intimidatingly cool and I've got a serious case of the insecurities...

Click to expand...

Hardy & Easton, have some very relevant and unambiguous commentary on this subject: "Should you meet the metamour? We vote yes: If you don't, you'll almost certainly wind up imagining someone sexier, more predatory, and more threatening than anyone could be outside a Hollywood erotic thriller. Besides, who knows? - you might wind up liking them."

If your relationship is based on mutual honesty, appreciation and respect, you will be loved for who you are, not devalued for what you're not. Take your time. Communicate. Be brave. Be positive. Most importantly, be yourself.

kdt26417 said:

When you say next weekend, do you mean tomorrow (the 25th), or February 1st?

Click to expand...

This coming Saturday (the 1st). Sorry!

I saw Rob this weekend - it was the first time we've done a full Friday to Monday and it was bliss - and we talked about Yasmin a bit and through my niggles, and I've decided that it would be better to meet her than not. So we're going to have coffee on Saturday as she comes off the train and before I head off.

Now i've realised there are other things to think through - like physical touching, and also if it's better or not for him to be there...hmmm...

I am thinking that on some future visit (with Yasmin), you might want him (Rob) to be there and you can see the two of them together and see how you feel about that. But I would tend to advise against risking a possible overload on your first visit (with her). Wait until you know how well you could handle visiting her by herself, then consider whether you want to try seeing her with him. One step at a time, don't bunch multiple steps together, lest you trip and fall. Although, you could probably handle it just fine, the thing is, that's a "probably," not a "definitely." Why take chances if you don't have to, right?

so, we talked about this last night, and I decided i think i might find it more intimidating meeting her on my own. i get a bit nervous and socially awkward sometimes. so rob is going to meet her off the train on his own, and then we will just hang out as friends i think - so all of us just be a bit conscious this time not to be overly physically affectionate or tactile - and then rob can see me off on the train on my own, for a bit of privacy for a goodbye. so hopefully that mediates all the issues. he's not done this before with yasmin - he's been seeing her for about 18 months, but none of his other partners have 'stuck' as long as i have to warrant an introduction like this - so we're working out some ideas...

That sounds great! Gives them a moment to have a warm, private welcome then a no pressure hangout then you get a warm, private farewell. You each get your moments with your shared partner without it being too terribly in your face to the other.

I agree, that is a good strategy.

Meeting is tomorrow afternoon...thanks for the advice all, will let you know how it goes

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice everyone. It was fine. Yasmin is lovely (though she is ridiculously cool). we went an had lunch, and it was just surprisingly normal. tiny twinge of jealousy because she ended up sitting next to Rob, so was able to be tactile, but was really tiny. I reminded myself she's not seen him in ages, and i had him with me all last weekend, and yesterday evening and this morning. so i snapped out of that pretty sharpish. hopefully she didn't think i was a mahoosive loser

So glad to hear that it turned out fine, now you can consider whether you would like future visits with Yasmin, and under what conditions. She lives a ways away, so you probably won't end up seeing her that often anyway, but who knows.

I'm sure she thought you were fine. Remember, usually we are our own harshest critics. Nothing I've read that you've written so far on the forum has made me think you were a loser, quite the contrary.

Meeting was a good thing, but I don’t feel a need to be friends with her/arrange to meet up specifically. But I think it opens possibilities for organising time maybe. I am broadly friends with my other metamour, but we were friends before and live in the same city, so it feels different. I would have to specifically organise something with Yasmin. But where she lives is both mine and Rob’s hometown, so the chances of us all being there at the same time are there, so it maybe means we can meet up together in that kind of scenario. We’ll see

That all makes sense. Sometimes a friendly connection to a metamour is a window to other possibilities.

Indeed. Rob has realised with some pleasure that it means he can organise a big party for his birthday and not have to worry about which one of us he invites. though, i think i would like to meet her a couple of times again before that. spending a whole evening together is a bit different than having lunch, and there are different issues raised about intimacy and so on that i'd like to work through. but we have like...6 months until this is a problem, so...one step at a time!