Performance Issues

Last week I was unable to achieve an erection in the bedroom for the first time, despite being 'mentally' aroused. The girl I've started seeing was nice about it, but I could sense that if it continued she would likely cut me off, especially as sex was a key part of what she was searching for.

Of course, these things can happen, but having only fully embraced polyamory recently, and currently in the dating stages, it does concern me that it will be a hurdle, and on my mind prior to my next sexual encounter. It also stops me branching out into group sex and kink parties, which is something I desire.

I've had a few issues before, although mainly due to strength of erection. I expect it comes from late-night fatigue and mild anxiety. I do my best to think positively, limit alcohol, avoid porn, etc, but I'm still experiencing inconsistency, which I shouldn't be given I'm below 40 and in good shape.

My question, therefore, is whether people think it's ok to take an occasional Viagra (or similar) prior to sex during the dating stage? I've never done so before, but if it can help my situation and there's limited health risks, is there a reason not to? Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Yes, it is okay for you to take an occasional viagra prior to sex during the dating stage. Swingers of all ages and socioeconomic profiles do it all the time, so there is no reason why polyamorous people can't do it, too. You have my permission to take viagra, cialis, or whatever other herbal/nonconventional substance you choose.

I hope this was helpful. Thank you for using polyamory.com, and have a pleasant day!

Hi TPowl90,

I think taking Viagra is fine; if you experience any negative side effects from taking it, you can always consult your doctor. That's my viewpoint anyway.

Regards,
Kevin T.

I highly recommend you see your doctor beforehand, just to make sure there are no underlying health issues that you’re unaware of. Be safe, have fun!

Viagra aside, I encourage you to get away from thinking of your penis as having to "perform." It's a common phrase, but belies the misunderstanding that men owe it to their partners to give a good performance. Sex is a shared experience, it's about connection in many ways. An "uncooperative" penis is actually Mother Nature's brilliant way of reminding us to take the focus off of performing-penis-centric sex and put it in a more satisfying place: the wonder and joy of sexual energy and shared nudity. There are many, many, many, many ways for a woman and a man to feel sexually fulfilled that do not involve an erection. Mother Nature (and your penis) are simply reminding you of this. There is no such thing as erectile dysfunction. The only dysfunction is our limited view of what sex (and kink) can be. While you're waiting in line at the pharmacy, take this opportunity to expand your mind and become a better lover by moving beyond those very limiting "performance" expectations and instead think more about embracing so very much more of what human sexuality has to offer.

TPowl90 said:

Last week I was unable to achieve an erection in the bedroom for the first time, despite being 'mentally' aroused. The girl I've started seeing was nice about it, but I could sense that if it continued she would likely cut me off, especially as sex was a key part of what she was searching for.

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Viagra, Cialis, etc., can work well for men who have a physical problem with erections, due to age or a medical condition, or medications.

But often, the problem can be more psychological, especially in a younger man. Maybe you don't want to be with a woman who just wants you for fucking, and will dump you if you can't get rock hard and stay rock hard throughout a session.

I've been with lots of men. I have been with more men who have trouble getting or staying erect for psychological reasons, because I rarely date older men.

Maybe if you felt fully appreciated for more than just a body, your cock would be more interested.

I've been with a guy who has various mental issues, both organic and stemming from his family of origin dynamic. He had trouble getting and staying hard at first. He tried Viagra and it didn't work. But after we got to know each other better, and he got more and more fond of me and trusting of me, his cock was no longer shy. It was all hard and happy to play!

Of course, these things can happen, but having only fully embraced polyamory recently, and currently in the dating stages, it does concern me that it will be a hurdle, and on my mind prior to my next sexual encounter. It also stops me branching out into group sex and kink parties, which is something I desire.

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As you get more comfortable with poly and more creative sexuality, perhaps you won't have performance anxiety. It wouldn't hurt to invest in a couple toys, like a good dildo, a vibrator, a flogger if you and she might be into that. It can fill in the gaps so to speak, when your cock is nervous.

By all means, get some more rest too, so you're perkier on an evening date.

I've had a few issues before, although mainly due to strength of erection. I expect it comes from late-night fatigue and mild anxiety. I do my best to think positively, limit alcohol, avoid porn, etc, but I'm still experiencing inconsistency, which I shouldn't be given I'm below 40 and in good shape.

My question, therefore, is whether people think it's ok to take an occasional Viagra (or similar) prior to sex during the dating stage? I've never done so before, but if it can help my situation and there's limited health risks, is there a reason not to? Has anyone else had a similar experience?

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Sex isn't just about a penis. As a matter of fact, one of my regular partners and I have PIV sex maybe one time in four? Most of the time we enjoy other sexual activities together.

I don't see anything wrong with using Viagra, although I second getting a medical opinion first.

TPowl90 said:

It also stops me branching out into group sex and kink parties, which is something I desire.

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I've been to many sex parties and the women there are not searching for big, erect dicks and the men don't all walk around with erections. Sure, people love to make use of one when it appears, but experienced party goers know that erections come and go. No big deal. If you're at a party or dating someone who will "cut you off" because of an intermittent soft penis, find a new party or a new girl. If you're getting your ideas of what a good sex party is from porn, stop. I have never heard anyone evaluate the presence or absence of erections when talking over how a party went. A great male group sex partner is someone who is tuned in and present, not someone who sports a stiffie the whole time.

So... I got a prescription from my doctor, and it really make a difference. Not worrying felt strangely liberating. It is, of course, psychological, but I feel knowing I have back-up will help. I certainly don't want it to become a necessity.

I've noted your comments about not focusing on penetration. This is good advice and very true. I guess I just enjoy it and like having it as an option.

Thanks for that update, glad to hear that you found your solution.