How Much to Say?

Kyle is my longest and healthiest relationship to date; we've evolved from FWB, to best friends, and now 'life partners'. Moving in together is on the table, and we're unquestionable gonna be in each other's life until someone is dead. Kyle is a super private person, up until this year we had a bit going to see how many people wouldn't notice our dynamic (it fell apart when kyle stopped caring where he showed pda).

On the other end of the privacy spectrum is our friend Grace. Me and her hit it off this year, and it's been really great having a poly friend to gab about whatever with. Kyle aside (she knows he's important to me, that there's a physical element, and that he's my emergency contact) we're all but teenage girls with it comes to conversations IE "I think I love him" 'last night was great' "Is it too soon to plan my wedding?"

[There's also some poly dynamics that connect all of us, but I don't think relevant to this question, might explain later if ya'll need/want it.]

This week Grace came to me about wanting to explore a romantic relationship with Kyle. I gave her my blessing; but since she has a history of telling me things that Kyle wasn't ready for me to know, I told her that I couldn't hear every detail of their relationship, like I had with her other relationships. She broke that boundary this morning.

I usually keep my nose out of these things, since their dynamic is between them. But I've also seen Kyle hit rock bottom because someone ran their mouth. Should I tell him?

I'm sorry you had to deal with someone breaking a boundary. That is always hard.

You should also enforce to her that she broke a boundary; you can't hear about their relationship in the same way. She has to listen. Nip it in the bud now; especially since she's done it with stuff with Kyle before.

I'd honestly say that the poly dynamics are important on how to handle things for sure. Every polycule has it's own dynamics and I know for me and Z, he is very much so a "I will tell you everything" person; so we have to find a balance. I'm really curious, so truthfully, I like hearing about dates and such (I don't want a sex play by play tho and he doesn't want to give it). B on the other hand, I don't like his FWB so it's very DADT about her in general. I hate it, but it keeps me sane.

In the end, I feel like everything needs to be laid on the table, probably more in a group meeting type setting. Everyone lays out everything. Including the depth of relationships; she should know that you and Kyle are life partners. And have things like this brought up with everyone there.

I'd say you can tell him if you don't want a group sit-down, but you don't have to be explicit. Make that boundary known to him as well. Tell him "I have X boundary in place and she broke it; I have[or will] talked to her about it" you're not asking him to do anything.

It's for sure a tricky spot to be in. I hope I was helpful at all, feel free to msg me if you want.

Respecting Boundaries

Noyse said:

I usually keep my nose out of these things, since their dynamic is between them. But I've also seen Kyle hit rock bottom because someone ran their mouth. Should I tell him?

Click to expand...

Tell him what? That his new romantic interest blabbed what you think are secret details?

I'm a little confused about why these details are coming to you in the first place, didn't you tell her specifically you did not want this kind of detail?

I think your association with Grace is what needs attention. If you set a boundary and it wasn't respected, that's a big fucking problem (or it would be fore me). Did you miss an opportunity to reinforce the boundary you set? Did Grace just plow through it, ignoring you altogether?

The fact that you know some insider information about Kyle seems irrelevant to me, and telling him about it feels a little high-school, but I don't know the details of your situation.

Re (from Noyse):

"This week Grace came to me about wanting to explore a romantic relationship with Kyle. I gave her my blessing; but since she has a history of telling me things that Kyle wasn't ready for me to know, I told her that I couldn't hear every detail of their relationship, like I had with her other relationships. She broke that boundary this morning.

I usually keep my nose out of these things, since their dynamic is between them. But I've also seen Kyle hit rock bottom because someone ran their mouth. Should I tell him?"

Click to expand...

My vote is to not tell him, I don't see any constructive purpose being served from him knowing. This is a matter between you and Grace, you need to decide what you will do in response to Grace breaking your boundary. Perhaps you will not listen to her anymore, or you won't listen to her for a period of time, say three weeks. She has to demonstrate that she can be trusted.

Regards,
Kevin T.