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  #1  
Old 01-02-2019, 11:59 PM
AndyRM AndyRM is offline
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Default A new relationship.

I am new at this, so I apologise if I don't explain myself well. But I found this forum and I think it will help me because I don't have any other polyam friends, other than my boyfriend, and this seems a really supportive place.

So here goes...

I'm a sexually fluid man, married. He's a trans man, also sexually fluid and married. We met at work and things escalated quickly when we were honest about how we felt about each other.

We've both recently told our wives. Me 6 days ago and him today. None of us knew or expected this to happen, and it's not because we want to end our marriages.

I'm struggling to convey this properly coherently to my wife. Like, I have done it as best I can but that doesn't seem to be working. I fully appreciate that this is a new thing and will feel like a betrayal, but any ideas or advice would be appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 01-03-2019, 12:48 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Andy,

Your wife is struggling with the idea of you being interested in someone else; she is probably feeling like she is "not enough," and wondering what she's done wrong. It will probably take a good bit of time for her to adjust to this, she will need you to be patient. These things often take at least a year. Keep talking to her from time to time, maybe every couple of weeks or so, more often if she feels the need to talk more often. Right now she is (probably) the struggling mono in this relationship. She will need you to express extra affection to her, let her know how important she is to you, and that you are not going anywhere. Gradually, she will see that she can trust you in this. Right now she is just reeling as her world has been turned upside down. She will need you to show her lots of empathy.

Continue to share here about your situation, as more info may help us give more accurate advice, and keep us posted as your situation evolves, as that may help us offer additional advice that is up-to-date. The most important thing to know for now is that communication is very important. I hope the four of you can work things out and be happy together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #3  
Old 01-03-2019, 01:46 AM
AndyRM AndyRM is offline
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Thank you Kevin. All of what you say makes sense. This is raw and new for all of us.

I will keep this thread updated and I hope to be able to share positive things as time goes by.
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  #4  
Old 01-03-2019, 04:34 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I'm a sexually fluid man, married. He's a trans man, also sexually fluid and married. We met at work and things escalated quickly when we were honest about how we felt about each other.
What does "escalated" mean? You both admitted that you have crushes on each other? Kissing? Sex? Something else?

That might matter to your wife. Because she might overlook putting cart before horse and telling your co-worker you like him. Like you got carried away by the unexpected feelings. But you stopped to check in before more than talk happened.

Where if "escalated" means you cheated on marriage agreements and shared sex with him -- that might be a whole other level to her that she cannot overlook.

I don't know if any of this could help.

https://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Quote:
We've both recently told our wives. Me 6 days ago and him today. None of us knew or expected this to happen, and it's not because we want to end our marriages.
What would you like from wife/your marriage? What would you like to have happen? You haven't actually said in your post.

Quote:
I'm struggling to convey this properly coherently to my wife. Like, I have done it as best I can but that doesn't seem to be working. I fully appreciate that this is a new thing and will feel like a betrayal, but any ideas or advice would be appreciated.
If you are telling her you were blindsided by this guy entering your life and now want to open the marriage and try polyamory?

Without apologizing for putting cart before horse in taking up with the new guy before even actually talking to her about opening the marriage first? That's really rough on wife.

She might be really angry that you would put her though this like THIS. And even though it is YOU who behaved like this, she might take it out on the coworker because it's often easier to blame the "outsider" for "making my spouse crazy" than to look at spouse and go "Do I even KNOW you? How can you do this while saying you love me?"

She might be plunged into poly hell without having the words to name the feelings.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

To wife? This might be a marriage vow deal breaker. Because she signed up to be married to you under these vows and this kind of relationship. And you broke any vows if you promised to forsake others and you aren't forsaking.

All you can do is apologize for how this came about. Say you are sorry, that you'd like to do better moving forward. And ask her if she's willing to change the marriage agreements to adapt to this situation or if she doesn't want to be married like that. Then respect her wishes.

If you are asking her to consider changing to this other kind of relationship? You have to accept that that you can ASK. But she speaks for her own self and she might not want to consider or considers and decides NO. So if she prefers to bow out, you have to be ok with that and work toward as peaceful a split as possible.

If it means breaking up with wife in order to be able to see this man? It may have to come to that. You cannot MAKE wife participate in poly if she just doesn't want to be doing it.

Or if it means letting this man go in order to work on healing the marriage? You may have to do that. (Assuming wife is willing to work on healing the marriage... Can't make her work on the marriage if she's done and wants out. )

It might even turn out that wife is willing to poly... but the price of admission is NOT with coworker in the network because of damaged trust.

Or is willing to poly... with other people. And doesn't want anything to do with you because of how it came about.

Who knows how it will ultimately turn out?

I suggest you keep on speaking your truth and be up front and honest with all parties as this sorts out one way or the other.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-03-2019 at 01:03 PM.
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  #5  
Old 01-03-2019, 08:55 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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I wouldn't assume you are not explaining it to your wife coherently. Just because she is not on board with it doesn't mean she doesn't understand what is going on. You can't really expect to come home one day and tell her you've got a boyfriend, but hey, there's this thing called polyamory and that is what you are now and have her just accept it. She may never accept it.
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  #6  
Old 01-03-2019, 10:38 AM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
You can't really expect to come home one day and tell her you've got a boyfriend, but hey, there's this thing called polyamory and that is what you are now and have her just accept it. She may never accept it.
I'm with Vin on this one. You're asking your wife to roll with an awful lot here. Is she already cool with trans people? Is she already cool with your bisexuality? Is she already cool with the idea of a sexually open relationship? All of these require a significant mind shift for a lot of people, all of which you're asking her to be comfortable with before you even add on poly. As I see it, her comfort with all of these components comes before asking her to open to polyamory. Poly is a mind bender for most people and an enormous change in what most people believe their heart is capable of. Understandably, most don't want to get anywhere near poly because they are either too scared or it's just not their jam. How much of this is she already totally fine with?
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  #7  
Old 01-03-2019, 12:51 PM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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OP, this site IS a very supportive place, but also critical when needed. It sounds like you smacked your wife in her face with this possible (you haven't made it quite clear) affair, and you think that, if you just said the somehow "right" words, she will be totally on board!

Doesn't work that way. As GG, Vin, and Angelina have stated, your wife may NEVER accept this. Be prepared to gracefully let her go if the only option is to cause her more pain.

Last edited by powerpuffgrl1969; 01-03-2019 at 12:52 PM. Reason: typos
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  #8  
Old 01-03-2019, 04:28 PM
AndyRM AndyRM is offline
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Thank you, all, for the responses.

To address a few. She is fine with my sexuality, and trans folk. I know this is a massive punch in the face which I feel awful about. And I know there isn't a quick or easy solution.

Me and my boyfriend have told each other we love each other, and sex has happened. We've also talked about our priorities and how we want this to go but accept that we can't govern our wives' emotions or reactions.

I know we've gone about this entirely the wrong way. But we do accept the consequences of our actions, it's just impossible to know what those are right now.
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  #9  
Old 01-03-2019, 06:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thank you for more info.

Acknowledging that you jumped the gun and had a cheating affair and apologizing to your wife is a good start.

Then tell her what you would like and ask if she could be up for that change or not. But really think it out first... what WOULD you like here?

Do you really want to poly? Like if both wives divorce each of you.... would you still want to practice polyamory with your new BF? Because you just love poly so much?

Or are you hoping for polyamory to be the "solution" to the cheating start so you can keep wife and BF around? Or something else?

Becoming clear on how you actually feel about polyamory could help guide next steps.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-03-2019 at 06:27 PM.
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  #10  
Old 01-03-2019, 06:56 PM
AndyRM AndyRM is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Thank you for more info.

Acknowledging that you jumped the gun and had a cheating affair and apologizing to your wife is a good start.

Then tell her what you would like and ask if she could be up for that change or not. But really think it out first... what WOULD you like here?

Do you really want to poly? Like if both wives divorce each of you.... would you still want to practice polyamory with your new BF? Because you just love poly so much?

Or are you hoping for polyamory to be the "solution" to the cheating start so you can keep wife and BF around? Or something else?

Becoming clear on how you actually feel about polyamory could help guide next steps.

Galagirl
So, in an ideal world I remain married and so does my boyfriend. But I get that this may not happen and I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

I am not looking for polyamory as a solution. Or an excuse and I apologise if it comes across that way. I am not trying to take this idea/lifestyle lightly, and am only learning about what's appropriate having gone in all guns blazing without thinking properly first.
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