Temporary limits on outside relationships?

Hi there,

I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, insecurity and jealousy in my open poly relationship. My partner has an avoidant attachment style and prizes autonomy and self-reliance to the point where he thinks having any needs at all is "neediness" and that everyone should be 100% responsible for their own feelings.

He has been feeling distant from me for several reasons and we have not had any meaningful intimacy or physical contact in months. He has been depressed over the death of his best friend this summer, overwhelmed with our new house and his job situation, and he was feeling resentful that for a few months I was having trouble finding work and paying my way around here. So I have stepped back and met lovers of my own, focused on my career, etc.

I would be okay with not having any intimacy with him under these circumstances, but the problem is that he has been hooking up with another guy, and it makes me feel unimportant and slighted. In fact, he has said that some of my jealous reactions have made me repellant and unappealing to him sexually. Specifically, he is into fisting, which is not something I am normally into but that I really enjoy with him, as it's an intense manifestation of the connection we've had ever since we met. I really miss it with him, but for the last 5 months or so, I've had to accept that he is not feeling very sexual towards me, which is hard because I'm still attracted to him. I've given him space, tried not to show my feelings of jealousy when he goes off to be with this other guy, and basically restrained myself from any close physical contact with him. It's been very hard for me knowing that he's having that intimacy with someone else on a regular basis while it's been months since he's touched me.

I have seen other poly people suggest that if there's anxiety and insecurity in your primary relationship, it might be helpful to suspend all outside relationships until you work out your issues and get to a more secure place. I thought about bringing this up with my partner, but I think he would find that to be manipulative and an infringement on his autonomy and privacy.

He has told me that he has not been getting fisted by this other guy, that he does most of the fisting, so I was thinking that as a compromise, maybe he could continue to refrain from getting fisted for awhile until we feel more connected and secure, to save that connection for us when we feel we are in a better place in our relationship. That since it is this unique connection that I miss and that I feel is under threat, maybe he could save it for a time when we are feeling more connected and want to do it together. That way, he could still have a sex life of his own, and the main source of my insecurity could be reduced until we get back to a good place together.

I don't know if this is a good idea to bring up with him. I think he would still see it as an unnecessary, manipulative restriction on him.

So my question is, is this a bad idea? Is it a reasonable compromise towards getting our relationship back on track, or is it manipulative and one-sided? I feel like I've compromised a lot for a long time now to help give him what he needs to feel more comfortable in our relationship. Is this not a good way to ask for the same courtesy?

Trying to fix your feelings by controling his behaviour is most likely going to be futile. You're asking him to perform a magic ritual to make you feel good without actually addressing the reasons you feel bad in the first place. A better option is to work out what you actually need from him for yourself and to ask for that.

Edit: For example, if you ask him to refrain from a particular sexual activity with others, does that actually address your need for intimacy? What if he agrees but nothing in your relationship improves? What have you gained? If you ask him instead for an increase in intimacy, you might end up getting what you actually want.

We have talked about this for awhile now. I told him that I miss being intimate with me and that it hurts me that he's being intimate with someone else instead. In fact, they have been seeing each other more frequently.

He says that with all the stresses in his life right now, particularly his depression, he doesn't feel he can give me the intimacy I need. He says that some of my jealous reactions have made me unappealing to him, making it hard for him to feel sexual towards me. I do react badly sometimes, but it's coming from the fact that I feel neglected.

I know that you can't just make someone attracted to you. I just fear that our connection is being replaced by another. I'd like our connection to remain special by asking him to save the most intimate contact for me, whenever we are both ready.

I also realize that attraction comes and goes in relationships and that you can't expect your partner to always be into you. And I know that he doesn't owe me intimacy just because I want it so badly.

It's just that it's been a long time since we've been sexual, and I feel that the more he sees this guy, the less he will want to be with me. He says all I can do is give him time and space, which I'm trying to hard to do. I just feel like I'm putting effort into giving him what he needs to feel comfortable, and I'd like my needs to be considered too.

Oneironaut said:

I told him that I miss being intimate with me and that it hurts me that he's being intimate with someone else instead.

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See, you need to leave the second half of that sentence out; it changes it from "this is what I need from our relationship" to "this is how I want to control your actions". Say "I miss you being intimate with me", and stop there. That's the issue you need to address.

I'm sorry you struggle.

You could ask if he would be willing not to date NEW people, but you cannot ask him to stop interacting with existing partners.

What's going on in their sex life has nothing to with the (you + him) sex life. Would you like it if his other partner told him to stop kissing you because they want to save kissing as their special thing? Probably not. You might find that intrusive and overstepping bounds. So you asking him to stop fisting his other partner? That's intruding on their love life and overstepping.

Asking him not to spend his time dating new people when you are going without time and care? That is fair. He might say yes and not see new people, he might say no. But you can ASK he improve his time management and spend some time with you.

Could focus more on what is going on with (you + him) and what (you + him) need more of.

He has been feeling distant from me for several reasons and we have not had any meaningful intimacy or physical contact in months. He has been depressed over the death of his best friend this summer, overwhelmed with our new house and his job situation, and he was feeling resentful that for a few months I was having trouble finding work and paying my way around here. So I have stepped back and met lovers of my own, focused on my career, etc.

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Has he seen someone for the grief/depression? Are things with the house better? Do you have work now?

He has said that some of my jealous reactions have made me repellant and unappealing to him sexually.

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So he expects you to always be smiling? He is allowed to be depressed, grieving, frustrated with house, etc? But you cannot have or express your feelings of concern or frustration that it's been 5 mos. kinda drifting apart / being taken for granted?

That way, he could still have a sex life of his own, and the main source of my insecurity could be reduced until we get back to a good place together.

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You seem to think the main source of your insecurity is lack of sex/fisting.

I wonder if it's really his relating style that bothers you? Because to me this is pretty extreme:

My partner has an avoidant attachment style and prizes autonomy and self-reliance to the point where he thinks having any needs at all is "neediness" and that everyone should be 100% responsible for their own feelings.

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Having some needs does not make you "needy."

And yes, you are 100% responsible for your emotional management. But if he is doing provoking behavior? He has contributed to your feeling crap. And you CAN ask him to change behavior.

If I punch you in the face? And you feel pain and are angry with me? I cannot say "Well, your angry feelings are not my concern. That's 100% on you" when I was the one who punched you. If I claim to love you as a partner why am I doing such provoking behavior? You can ask me to stop punching. And if I don't? You can walk away.

If the relationship is basically blah and kinda flat because he's checking out? And there's no action on his side to invest in the relationship with you any more? You can ask him to step it up. But if he doesn't? You have to accept this is all you get here. You may have to come to terms that he's not that into you any more.

And then decide if you want to stay or seek a different partner who is more attentive.

I feel like I've compromised a lot for a long time now to help give him what he needs to feel more comfortable in our relationship. Is this not a good way to ask for the same courtesy?

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Have you been giving too much? Only to get too little back?

Because there is "coming to compromise" where both people give up something to meet in the middle. If there's one popsicle left, I can split it with a kid. Both of us give up half a popsicle even if we really want a whole one. That way both us get some. And we can agree to do groceries on the weekend to get more. Neither one has to wait long to get a whole popsicle.

Here? It sounds like you've been shrinking yourself, walking on eggshells, and "compromising your values." That's not both of you giving something. That's you giving all and dinging yourself in the process. And not like a few days to the weekend. But 5 months and counting.

I don't think asking him to stop seeing others is the solution. Say he does stop. Then he spends all his time bowling and he is still not attending to the relationship with you. Then what?

If he's not putting in his fair share into the (you + him) relationship even after you bring problems to his attention?

I think you could do some soul searching and decide if you still want to be here. If you get enough return on your investment.

It's not easy to think about. But you might have to evaluate it all the same.

Galagirl

Re (from Oneironaut):

"So my question is, is [the fisting restriction] a bad idea? Is it a reasonable compromise towards getting our relationship back on track, or is it manipulative and one-sided? I feel like I've compromised a lot for a long time now to help give him what he needs to feel more comfortable in our relationship. Is this not a good way to ask for the same courtesy?"

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I do not think it is manipulative or one-sided, it sounds like a reasonable compromise to me. The problem is, he may not be in a reasonable frame of mind. I am also concerned that maybe he is losing interest in his relationship with you, that maybe he doesn't care whether it gets back on track. I can't explain why he would be feeling that way, but his actions seem to indicate that he does feel that way. He is still cohabiting with you, that is the one good sign in all of this.

You can still ask him if this would be a compromise he could agree to. Technically the worst that could happen is he could say no. But really, he could end up resenting you for asking. On the other hand, if he is losing interest in his relationship with you, maybe resentment is bound to happen whether you ask him or not. I guess I am inclined to suggest that you ask him, but brace yourself for a possible negative reaction.

I am sorry that he is keeping you at arm's length, I know you are still very much in love with him. There's a chance things will get better with the passing of time. We can only hope.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

Asking to restrict a specific arbitrary sex act with others does nothing to address what's going on in your relationship with him.

Let's say he says yes to your stipulation. And (although you only know because of what he tells you) let's say that he keeps to it.

The actual relationship between the two of you has not changed one iota.

GalaGirl's response has it all in there.