getting over the hurtle of jealousy..

T

tryingtobecontent

New member
So, I've been living with my girlfriend and been with her for a very long time now. We've been in and out of relationships when we were much younger but at 19 or so weve been together pretty much ever since the first time we saw eachother after years later.

She recently introduced me into polyamory and I was interested but it didnt seem like it would work out, until someone she had been talking to that we saw once about a year back and i kind of just fell into a different type of thinking. Everything was great up until recently when I found out they had really strong feelings for eachother. I also have strong feelings towards the same person. She obviously has feelings for me and would never say that she did if she didnt just to be with my partner - but they arent developed the way theirs did.

My girlfriend is so elated whenever we all get to see eachother which in return makes me super happy and super jealous at the same time. But I feel like I'm getting less and less attention as the months go by. Like I said I really loved everything about it, now I'm feeling kind of stuck with jealousy but I'm in love with my partner and she is in love with me. But I cant stop myself from thinking about our third as well as the jealousy I have towards my partner because our third shows 90%+ the attention.

I dont want either relationship to be damaged and she said there is defienently something there with me, and that she also wouldnt pursue my partner I felt okay. I've known her so long that I truly believe her. I know I just need to wait and see if feelings develop. I'm just having trouble coping because its new to me and I acknowledge, I'm feeling pretty insecure and inadequate. I've got the best two girls ever and I cant relax because I feel, I guess, somewhat unwanted..

Again to make this clear, I know my girlfriend has deep feelings for me due to the nature of our connection and she is always worried shes hurting me. I communicate with her A LOT about how I feel. I make sure she knows its okay. I make sure she knows why I'm jealous. Everything. She always tells me not to worry and keep trying because its not that shes not really attracted to you - its just that she has clung to her faster. She has also told her friends about me

Please provide me with some advise ASAP.. it would be really appreciated more than anything right now. I dont know how common this whole situation is but I think I'm asking in the right place.

Have a good day everyone/anyone who reads this. Thank you.
 
Hello tryingtobecontent,

It sounds like you are struggling with some jealousy. And maybe you are feeling like you are only getting 10% of the attention. How much of your partner's attention are you getting, and how does that make you feel? and how much of the new girl's attention are you getting, and how does that make you feel? What about the idea of sitting down with the both of them, and saying, "When the two of you spend a lot of time together, I feel jealous, because I want some attention too. I want to ask each of you if you would be willing to spend a little more time with me." Sometimes it helps to just ask for what you need, as long as you don't do it in an accusing way.

Keep us updated on your situation, and I'll try to think of more ideas to help you. I hope you get some relief from the jealousy soon; I know that can't be pleasant.

Hang in there,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My girlfriend is so elated whenever we all get to see eachother which in return makes me super happy and super jealous at the same time. But I feel like I'm getting less and less attention as the months go by. Like I said I really loved everything about it, now I'm feeling kind of stuck with jealousy but I'm in love with my partner and she is in love with me. But I cant stop myself from thinking about our third as well as the jealousy I have towards my partner because our third shows 90%+ the attention.
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Maybe stop hanging out as a trio for a while? And/or asking them to dial down the PDA around you for a few weeks/months? Perhaps taking a break from having to see so much PDA when out as a trio will help some.

Each duo can spend time on their own. Spend more time with new GF. That way you can strengthen (you + new GF) connection without having to see the (GF + new GF ) connection and how that one is going so much. You seem to end up comparing each one like (GF + new GF) connection is "better" somehow. These things are not a race.

If GF is gushing about new GF at you and you need to hear less? Could ask for less often. You can be happy for her, and still ask to only hear that news once a week like on Saturday. Rather than every day or several times a day. You sound overexposed to it all.

Once you are better settled into each of the relationships THEN try going out as a trio to do things or hearing the news more often.

Galagirl
 
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Hello there!

It's an unpleasant situation to be in but it's pretty common, really, and very normal to feel like that.

Definitely what Kevin and Galagirl said. Ask for what you need, and protect your boundaries (personal space and time).

Something that helped me immensely in an 'emergency' flare-up of jealously a couple months ago (with lasting effect) was the Jealousy Survival Guide. It presents tools that help you build a sense of independent control that you can fall back to when things get rough, and I found that invaluable.
 
Do you consider your "third" to be in a relationship with both your girlfriend AND yourself? (I assume so, since you refer to her as your third, although you do not call her your girlfriend/gf2).

More importantly, do you think this other girl classifies what you and she have as a relationship of sorts, also? (Does she think of herself as your OSO, new partner etc... or does she reserve that relationship for your girlfriend and herself, but not you - at least at this stage?

Depending on your answers to the above, you may be rushing into things with her, or overthinking things in your head - pushing a relationship between yourself and this girl before the budding attraction has fully bloomed.

I think such things have to develop naturally - either they will, or they won't - and in their own time.

At the moment, it sounds as if new girl has more of a connection with your girlfriend, and vice versa. If that is so, they will naturally gravitate towards each other and want to spend a great deal of time together, in person, or texting, messaging etc. That is the nature of NRE (new relationship energy).

It is rare, though not unheard of, for a person to develop such strong feelings of attraction for MORE than one person simultaneously. It CAN happen, but usually not to the exact same degree, at the exact same time. So please try not to expect that, or to compare or "quantify" the amount/type of attention you're receiving from new girl, as opposed to the amount of attention she gives your girlfriend.

Jealousy in such a situation is also common, and natural. There could be many reasons for this:

- You might be feeling "left out" of their interactions (which is more accurately described as envy rather than jealousy).

- You might be feeling jealous that your girlfriend is receiving the bulk of new girl's time, energy and physical affection... when you wish it were YOU she (new girl) was lavishing with affection.

- AND/OR you may be jealous that YOU are no longer the only/main focus of "your" long-term girlfriend's love. This may lead you to feeling insecure about the future of your current relationship, and even to fear your gf will leave you for this new person.

You need to ASK for what you want and need (from both of them), without overstepping or intruding into their relationship with each other, and without "demanding" that you be treated "equally". (It is rarely possible for feelings in a triad, or three-person scenario to be exactly the same between each dyad, and this cannot be forced or demanded for the sake of equality.)

- If you need girlfriend to cool it with new girl when you're all together, request this of her during a private conversation before you next hang out. If she respects your feelings and doesn't wish to cause you pain, she should be willing to comply to a greater or lesser degree.

- If she isn't willing to accommodate you in the above, you may need to see each other separately for a bit, while you all process what's happening between you, and figure out how best to deal with it.

- If you wish to develop a more intimate/closer relationship with the new girl, make sure she realises that is what you ultimately want, without making it sound like you expect this of her immediately, or simply because she has such a relationship with your girlfriend.

- It sounds as if she's made her feelings pretty clear already - i.e. she likes you and is interested, but she isn't quite "there" yet. Realise that she may never be, and/or she may never feel as strongly toward you as she does toward your girlfriend (though feelings can and do change all the time). Make your peace with that as best as you can, if it appears to be the case.

- If it turns out that you and new girl aren't meant to be a "thing" of your own, you'll need to process that, and decide how you and girlfriend want to pursue polyamory, since she introduced you to the concept. i.e. Do you consent to her continuing with new girl, while you remain monogamous? Or do they continue, while you search for another partner or partners of your own?
 
The vast majority of the time spent together is as a trio. Right now we are all in a very close relationship, my original partner wants to ask her to be her girlfriend. I am definently not at that level because I dont get the same quality of attention nor feel like I am. I want to take her on dates and get to know her better but I guess I just havent really gotten a chance to ask her. I talk to my partner all the time about how I feel, and I know she relays things I say to her. (I say third because I didnt want to say our girlfriend.) I think she will say yes to my partner and again I just feel like I'm being left out. My partner talks to her a lot on the phone, like a lot. I rarely can get her to maintain a conversation with me yet shes very comfortable sexually with me. I hope that over time she will want to spend more time with me alone. I still feel nervous to ask her. I felt semi confident but this girl makes me feel different and I want what my partner has with her.. or something like it.

My partner and I have agreed that we just need time. I think maybe the next time I get to see her I will ask. I forgot to mention that she drives to my house almost every weekend she can just to spend time with us (she lives quite far away...) I'm patient and I just recently asked her to chill on the PDA, but I'm not sure if I got through to her. I also dont want to scare this girl away and ruin my partners relationship too.

Thank you for all the replies. I know I'm jealous and I need to give her time. I just see my partner getting to talk to her a good amount every day and I pretty much have to wait until I see her. What should I do? Where should I take her if I ask her to go somewhere by ourselves - I want to take it slow because I really want this to work out..

Also, I forgot to answer a big question. It would really, really be difficult and will take a long time for me to stop feeling so strongly for this girl. I cant help but continue to fall for her even when shes not giving me as much attention as I like. I could also be paying to much attention to when shes not then when she is. I'm so attracted to her in every way, obviously my girlfriend is too but she gets the pleasure of actually getting a lot of love from her. I sound like a stupid lovesick puppy. But yes, I'm too invested in my current relationship to lose her over a girl I know that makes her happy, even if her "girlfriend" has to just be my friend.. I dont know how I feel right now about dating other people (this whole relationship came so naturally and fluently.. every part of it has been just so amazing), and I cant help that I want what I want. I respect her wishes more than anything and have told her recently that I could back off whenever she liked. Shes also assured me and my partner MANY times that she would let one of us know if we were going over any boundaries sexually, etc.

We are still engaged intimately together and I dont really see that stopping any time soon but I'd like more of the emotional side in my life too. We dont always get what we want but I'm going to try all of your suggestions.
 
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Re:
"Where should I take her if I ask her to go somewhere by ourselves?"
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I am thinking either take her out to dinner at a nice place, or, take her to a movie somewhere. Something light but fun. Don't try to rush things.

It sounds like you mostly just need time. Just work up the courage to ask her out. One little step at a time.
 
We have veganism in common so dinner is always a good idea. There's not too many options around the vicinity but there's one in particular that is very nice. If we wanted to go somewhere i havent taken them both to at the same time I'd need to drive far away to her because we have been everywhere. I'm not trying to say that this is a new relationship, it just seems to be evolving into the future and I'd like to be part of a triad and not just friends with my partners girlfriend ultimately.

There are no labels at all right now so I struggle on how to define things. We were just good friends that unintentionally became really intimate.

lunabunny - I think I'm more envious than I am jealous, but at the same time I do feel like this girl is super successful and has a highly respectable career and as you can tell by the way I talk about her is all around amazing. It's hard to match up to that - though I'm not trying to compare myself. But mostly, I just want her friend as well. My partner knows how strong I feel about it and encourages me to date her and spend time alone with her and experience some intimacy alone which has never happened between us.

Luckily I have an understanding partner as does she. I went from mono to letting her experiment with poly with someone she was attracted to from the beginning, and I'm willing to let her continue no holds barred.

NRE seems possible because we sometimes go a few weeks without seeing her and sometimes she will spend an entire week with us, she drives all this way anytime she gets a chance even if its one night and she has to drive hours back in the morning to make it to work.. I like to think this is because of both of us like she says it is - I do think she likes having a daddy around as well so I dont think shes just playing me for my partner in that way either. We have a lot of trust - I seem to question it sometimes though in the back of my head.

Sorry, I'm unloading a lot of emotional baggage because the only person ive EVER talked to about this has been my partner. I dont know where else to go so I figured maybe you all that have had experience in what I'm going through could give me more suggestions on how to handle this.
 
I have trouble with no names for people. It makes reading/writing awkward. I will name them generic color names and you change it to something else if you want, ok? I'm happy to go with whatever you pick.

  • You are you -- "tryingtobecontent"
  • Your Current GF is "Red."
  • Your potential GF that you are all trying to form a triad with is "Blue."

The vast majority of the time spent together is as a trio. Right now we are all in a very close relationship, my original partner wants to ask her to be her girlfriend. I am definently not at that level because I dont get the same quality of attention nor feel like I am. I want to take her on dates and get to know her better but I guess I just havent really gotten a chance to ask her.
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Ask Blue out over email -- just you two. If ALL the time is as a trio, with the women giving each other the most attention, well no wonder that the (you + Blue) leg of the triangle isn't esp developed. It's still possible to be a triangle. It just isn't going to be equilateral. And that can be ok. It's not a race. But you do have to participate in your leg if you actually are trying to become a triad.

I talk to my partner all the time about how I feel, and I know she relays things I say to her.
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Why are you not talking to Blue directly about how you feel and what you hope to grow with her rather than talking "through" Red? Not talking directly to your potential is another reason that contributes to that leg of the triangle not being very well developed.

My partner talks to her a lot on the phone, like a lot. I rarely can get her to maintain a conversation with me.
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That is a problem on the (you + Red) leg of the triangle. She can talk on the phone a lot. AND when when she is supposed to be PRESENT with you, she can turn the phone OFF. It's poor behavior to be on a date/quality time at home with you while chatting on the phone with others.

I'm patient and I just recently asked her to chill on the PDA, but I'm not sure if I got through to her. I also dont want to scare this girl away and ruin my partners relationship too.
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Could say "Now repeat what I just said in your own words so I know you got it how I mean it." That reduces misunderstandings.

If Blue scares that easily, maybe it's ok to find that out sooner rather than later? You aren't being mean to either Red or Blue and you aren't asking for anything horrible. You also are not saying for them not to PDA at all. Just dial it down around you some while this is still new. That is fair to ask.

Thank you for all the replies. I know I'm jealous and I need to give her time. I just see my partner getting to talk to her a good amount every day and I pretty much have to wait until I see her. What should I do?
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You could speak up yourself. Make your own phone/skype whatever dates with her. Connect outside the weekend visits. Red can do it. So can you.

Where should I take her if I ask her to go somewhere by ourselves - I want to take it slow because I really want this to work out.
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Somewhere neutral and relatively cheap/public so it is low pressure. Like go get subs or coffee or something. Go take a walk in the park and eat ice cream. Play mini golf. It's ok to visit a restaurant you have been to as a trio. Or have an in house date -- cook a fun vegan thing together.

I sound like a stupid lovesick puppy. But yes, I'm too invested in my current relationship to lose her over a girl I know that makes her happy, even if her "girlfriend" has to just be my friend.
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That is a possibility. That you guys try to triad but it just works out better as V. You all could be having those talks when in trio.

We are still engaged intimately together and I dont really see that stopping any time soon but I'd like more of the emotional side in my life too.
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If that means you all are making out together or sharing sex together? But you don't esp have an emotional connection with Blue? And would like to? You might consider reducing the group making out or group sex in favor of actually talking and engaging in other ways.

Like one weekend you get together to make out/share sex and the other weekend you don't. That weekend Blue spends with Saturday you and Sunday she spends with Red.

Or whatever other schedule you guys like better -- but talk about how you spend your time. Because if you leave it to "whatever happens" the easiest connections will feel easier to do. So you end up in same place you are now.

It sounds out of balance on the trio time and not enough time in dyads. It could be more evenly spread out over

  • (you + Red time) when Red is being PRESENT and not all distracted
  • (you + Blue) time
  • (Red + Blue)

and sometimes (you + Red + Blue) time in trio. You each will also need times ALONE or with OTHER FRIENDS to recharge batteries.

Galagirl
 
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Re (from tryingtobecontent):
"If we wanted to go somewhere I haven't taken them both to at the same time I'd need to drive far away to her because we have been everywhere."
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Just a thought, if the restaurant was a bit of a drive that could actually be an advantage; the two of you could converse while you're driving. In any case, I encourage you to ask her out on a date.
 
Galagirl,

Sorry, I understand why it's confusing. It's confusing to me still..

1. I'm doing the best I can to appease both women, emotionally, sexually, kink(ally? lol). I feel like it would be more sincere to ask Blue in person since she responds less through text than she does with me in person. Another reason I think that is because sometimes I feel like she is more confortable talking to me when Red is not around. You're right though, it's always a trio and I need to change that.

2. Sometimes I get an answer from Blue and sometimes I don't, it's enough to make me not want to continue to share my feelings. I've made it clear that I like her a lot, but probably not enough - which I would like to try to take it slower.. This was the case with Red as well until more recently, since they seem to have developed a much deeper connection than our previous excursions.. I feel like I need to talk to her more in person as well, I dont think she responds well to the texting. idk if its just me, shes shy, she doesnt know what to say, subconsciously doesnt want Red to be mad which I dont suspect is the case.

3. I agree and discussed. As expressed before I'm sure it's NRE as Red seems to have fallen for Blue and most likely vice versa. But if I'm correct she talks to her more than enough..

4. Another thing I agree with and have talked with her before, and recently including today. "I (Red) am the first girl that Blue has ever dated of the same sex and it feels new to both of us so its hard for Blue not to cling to me." and now since she wants to make it official Red feels that Blue will be even more so as she doesnt take labels lightly, as I know as well. She then explained that she doesnt want to make Blue feel bad by all the sudden not paying as much attention to her after becoming "official". I've explained more thoroughly and believe Red will make an effort to reduce this as I know she does not want me to leave her as well.

5. I'm hoping that after our first real date Blue will open up to me and be able to feel more comfortable talking to me because she will know Red is actually into it. I hope then she will want to see me other days of the week than when she is with Red. I'm willing to travel two hours to take her out, she also has a place to stay at if I cannot drive.

6. Thank you for all of the suggestions. I was thinking maybe cooking at home at one of our places would be perfect so I could take care of some other important kink needs (not necessarilly sexual) that I couldnt necessarilly do for her while we are out.

7. Once our relationship goes a little further and we are more open about actually being together and not just best friends being intimate and romantically involved it will be easier.

8. Yes, we are all sexually involved and emotionally involved. Not labeled or official, and 100% moreso between Red and Blue (sexually, not so much. - emotionally making out frequently, emotionally touching etc.. yes). My hopes are that Ill get there eventually but I won't beat myself up over it and I really do want to and will take everything as slow as it needs to be. We definitely do not have sex everytime we see eachother even when its multiple days. On those days it feels especially lonesome because Blue is always clinging to Red. Not to say Blue is never giving me attention - I dont give her enough credit. I'm just an envious/jealous person right now and I know I have to work on it.

To be completely honest.. I really wish I didn't love Blue like I do.

Letting this all out has been helping me already. I have a lot on my mind that I've just been holding in and have been needing to release. Things have become a lot more complicated in my life the past year but I have high suspicions that I am a monogamist just dying to be pulled out and into polyamory. I just felt so much more fulfilled having these two different amazing girls giving me all this attention and me not having to feel bad because Red wanted it too as she is pansexual. I want this feeling to continue, I understand that it might be in a different way..

& kdt - I will be the next time I see her in less than two weeks, shes away on a vacation and I dont want to bother her anyways.
 
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"I will be the next time I see her in less than two weeks, she's away on a vacation and I don't want to bother her anyways."
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That's understandable.

I wonder if your ideal date would be, you go to her place and cook dinner? That way she doesn't have to drive, and Red would be at home so you and Blue have some privacy. Just some thoughts ...
 
kdt26417 said:
Re:


That's understandable.

I wonder if your ideal date would be, you go to her place and cook dinner? That way she doesn't have to drive, and Red would be at home so you and Blue have some privacy. Just some thoughts ...
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I completely agree. I would love for that scenario to happen. Blue does live with a roommate or two (there were a lot I dont know how many have not moved out.) and her sister so I have to work around that if she agrees to it. It would definently have to be during the weekend because I have to be home for work in the morning and I do not drink and drive if that were to happen. Her sister knows about me Red though (weve all spent a lot of time together, and the past two times or so we spent the weekend at the beach / pride weekend we physically showed her friends that we were somewhat of something if you get what im saying) and her sister highly approves of us. I know Red has a lot of love to give. Blues sister saying "I approve of you both" implied that she wasnt just talking about Red. and made me feel really good.

. Thank you for the continued replies, I really appreciate all advise from anyone. This situation is very new, very stressful, very frustrating, but also amazing, pleasuring, fantastic and liberating. I think this life is for me - even though i have crippiling jealousy now, I feel like I will get through this and be happier than I ever have.

My partner is my life partner but I'm human, if she has a girlfriend and she doesnt have the girl wont ever have the same feelings for me then I'll eventually figure something out that will work. I wont hate the girl or resent my partner, though I don't know how long this jealousy could last.

I completely understand relationships dont develop at the same pace though.
 
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To be completely honest.. I really wish I didn't love Blue like I do.
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So...

You want to let go of the feelings for Blue? So you can be ok with it if it turns out better as a "V thing?"

Or you actually want to pursue Blue and grow the feelings deeper?

Galagirl
 
  • I'm uncertain as to how long the two of you have actually been together.
  • You've likely adapted to having 100% of your girlfriend's free time AND attention. Add in a new person, & you are going to have less than 50% of each. If you don't enjoy being on your own, or pursuing activities without her, this will cause problems for you.
  • It does no good to label that "jealousy," & (somehow) less to pursue "how to deal with jealousy" solutions.
  • In my observation, FMF/MFF threesomes are difficult at best, especially if none of them has another relationship of their own.
  • As GalaGirl suggests, doing "everything together" is a very steep climb. You have three potential couplings, each of which needs to sort out; after that, the dynamic of three will probably be settled.
 
Continued thank yous for the responses. It helps when I'm feeling kind of mixed up.

I've been with Red for past 6 years and have been through serious life crisises and she has always been there for me as a guide. She means everything to me.. Almost everyday is spent together as we live together and have since the beginning. So you're right. I need to get comfortable doing things on my own, it's been awhile since I have had my own company for extended periods of time. I can figure that out, it's just going to be a growing period for me to not think so much about things. Blue came into the picture a bit over a year ago, maybe a year and a half and was Reds good friend for about 4 months or so online, meeting once during that time. After that period she started coming over to my house pretty frequently based on how far away she lives. It became sexual and intimate after a couple of months, never trying to label anything or make anyone uncomfortable

Galagirl, I really want to pursue Blue, I'm too into her not to try. I want everything to work out between the three of us and I want to start dating seperatly quite a lot and have for some time. I think Blue's aware but maybe she needs to hear the direct invitation from me. Last night I had another talk with my Red about me asking her out directly and she had informed me that when she originally talked about her feelings deeper to the point they are falling for eachother.

At this time Red asked Blue she felt about me and got the "I do have real feelings for him, just not as much as you". Red then asked if she would be willing to go on dates with me sometime when she is ready and Blue said yes. I dont know if I should wait to ask as it has only been a month and we've only all have seen eachother twice since then. I dont mean for it to always be a trio, it's just always the most convenient and up to this point was working fine. I'm excited to see what happens but I'm also not going to let my guard down any more than it already is. Red seems to think I should wait as "it's not a race" which I am very aware of and accept. But I feel like I should move forward.

Again neither me nor Red actively searched this out, it just happened, though my girlfriend is into the kink community and is very interested in poly even before any other girls entered our lives.

If Blue ends up not growing her feelings for me I will attempt to figure out what I'm going to do next. I will not leave Red, shes so happy and even if I'm envious I am happy she found someone so special. If someone would have told me a year ago that I'd be in this place a year later I would have told them they were nuts and that it couldnt work. I've drastically changed my ideas on relationships, though Ive always been a very, very liberal, accepting, and sensitive kind of guy. Even in just a few messages I'm feeling better thanks to this thread.

Also:
endusal said:
Hello there!

It's an unpleasant situation to be in but it's pretty common, really, and very normal to feel like that.

Definitely what Kevin and Galagirl said. Ask for what you need, and protect your boundaries (personal space and time).

Something that helped me immensely in an 'emergency' flare-up of jealously a couple months ago (with lasting effect) was the Jealousy Survival Guide. It presents tools that help you build a sense of independent control that you can fall back to when things get rough, and I found that invaluable.
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Thank you for this. I've been reading and working through it on my phone. I think its going to help me tremendously.
 
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Then it sounds like you know what areas in your life you could work on.

1) Not be so reliant on Red for everything.

2) Get comfortable doing things on your own sometimes.

3) Ask Blue out directly. Like... "Blue, I'd like to ask you out on a date -- just us if you feel up for that now. If not, could you be willing to ask me out when you are?" And see how the conversation goes from there.

4) If a triad doesn't pan out, you plan to be ok with it being an amicable "V" with Red as the hinge or "shared sweetie." That's reasonable.

You, Red, and Blue are sharing sex for the last month. I think you could get around to asking Blue out. If you've seen each other naked, what's the big deal about going out for coffee? Esp since YOU think you should move forward. Asking her on a date isn't asking her to be your steady GF. It's just a date.

It doesn't have to be a "race" or "competition" with Red. But get on to asking for a first date if you actually want to develop this.

Red seems to think I should wait as "it's not a race" which I am very aware of and accept. But I feel like I should move forward.
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Not to be mean about it... but Red could attend to her two legs of the triad: (You + Red) and (Red + Blue). And leave the development of (you + Blue) to the people actually IN that dyad --- you and Blue. Each dyad needs its own space and privacy.

In the "getting comfortable doing things on your own" vein of thought, you might have to NOT consult Red so much. Red doesn't have to do your talking to Blue for you, your thinking when to ask Blue out for you, etc.

YOU do it.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
You, Red, and Blue are sharing sex for the last month. I think you could get around to asking Blue out. If you've seen each other naked, what's the big deal about going out for coffee? Esp since YOU think you should move forward. Asking her on a date isn't asking her to be your steady GF. It's just a date.

It doesn't have to be a "race" or "competition" with Red. But get on to asking for a first date if you actually want to develop this.

Not to be mean about it... but Red could attend to her two legs of the triad: (You + Red) and (Red + Blue). And leave the development of (you + Blue) to the people actually IN that dyad --- you and Blue. Each dyad needs its own space and privacy.

In the "getting comfortable doing things on your own" vein of thought, you might have to NOT consult Red so much. Red doesn't have to do your talking to Blue for you, your thinking when to ask Blue out for you, etc.

YOU do it.

Galagirl
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Thank you very much Galagirl, I really know I needed to hear this. Its been a really emotional ride lately, I'm just being silly. I get emotional reading responses because it just helps me understand whats really going on in this whole situation and whats going on in my head subconsciously. I get too emotional and I need to fix that immediately, I've been like that my entire life. I really do not give Blue enough credit for the attention that she DOES show me and only focus on when she doesn't. I know that is another one of my issues.

To clarify I just meant a month since Red had confessed her true feelings to Blue. We've been having sex quite a bit longer than that, it really was so natural. I never thought I could fall for another girl with Red, this has been an amazing feeling getting to this point. I truly thought I would never be able to even try anything like this until actually seeing people speak about the topic. I will keep this thread updated with the situation between Blue and I - I might be in need of more advise, its been forever since I've went on a date with someone new. My past 2 relationships were long term and with people from my past (including Red) and dates werent really a getting to know eachother kind of thing. I guess you could say I'm nervous even after her giving up herself so much to me, even with Red out of the room/house, and sleeping together for nights in a row. Thats why the lack of attention has been on my mind lately.
 
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I'm glad the JSG is of some help!

Figuring things out takes time.
Would an appreciation log help you acknowledging Blue (or Red) for the attention she gives you and any good times you have together? Try it for ten days, maybe more; patterns will emerge, and it's something tangible you can fall back to when you feel you're lacking.
 
endusal said:
I'm glad the JSG is of some help!

Figuring things out takes time.
Would an appreciation log help you acknowledging Blue (or Red) for the attention she gives you and any good times you have together? Try it for ten days, maybe more; patterns will emerge, and it's something tangible you can fall back to when you feel you're lacking.
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This is a great idea, whenever we spend time together I'll be sure to write down my feelings and what happened through the course of the day to show me why I shouldnt be feeling this way. I'll probably see Blue next thursday - sunday or at least friday - sunday in which I plan to find a good time to talk to Blue.I'm currently doing the contract to myself per the guide. I'm pretty sure I will benefit from this. Is an attention log something you are suggesting or is this also in the guide? I appreciate everything.
 
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