Rethinking our Quad after 1 year

This month we celebrated our 1 year Quad lifestyle and with great reflection, three of us are contemplating a V scenario, which would exclude my BF's wife of 25 years. When Peter and I met them, Betty and Steve were sleeping apart and close to divorce. My husband found interest in Betty but only wants limited casual sex with no strings attached. A year later, Peter says he can take it or leave it and would rather pursue a V relationship with Steve and I, if at all possible.

Here is the problem though.....Steve is back and forth about what to do with Betty. He cares about her and doesn't want to put her out on the street. He also knows that he will have to sell the house, give her half of the proceeds and deal with the family backlash. Betty is not very educated, works very minimally and hardly drives. She is very needy. He wants to work on a plan to make her more independent but is not sure how to go about this. Does he just drop the divorce bomb on her and let her figure it out for herself? She does have family members that she can live with. Her mom lives in another state in a great big house all by herself so that's always an option.

We all feel like the older we get (in our late 40's) the harder it will be to deal with this. Any advice for us?

PolyNurse said:

We all feel like the older we get (in our late 40's) the harder it will be to deal with this. Any advice for us?

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People can use any excuse to divorce and any excuse to stay together, no matter their age or circumstance. Make choices according to what is right for you.

What is right for us is a V relationship. We already have one without her knowledge. We just don't know how to exclude her at this point? Should we let her live with us a roommate until she can get on her feet? Do we just rip off the band-aid and cut ties? We want to do the right thing by her.

Re (from PolyNurse):

"Her mom lives in another state in a great big house all by herself so that's always an option."

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That sounds like a good way to go. Although I suppose Steve is the one who'll have to decide.

Steve is back and forth about what to do with Betty. He cares about her and doesn't want to put her out on the street. He also knows that he will have to sell the house, give her half of the proceeds and deal with the family backlash. Betty is not very educated, works very minimally and hardly drives. She is very needy. He wants to work on a plan to make her more independent but is not sure how to go about this. Does he just drop the divorce bomb on her and let her figure it out for herself? She does have family members that she can live with. Her mom lives in another state in a great big house all by herself so that's always an option.

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FWIW, I think Steve could tell Betty he wants a divorce.

• That he cares about her and wants to divorce as quickly, peacefully, and amicably as possible.
• That he would like to sell the house and give her half the proceeds as part of a fair settlement.
• That he hopes she will become more independent and self sufficient.

Then get on with the divorce process and truly try to be as fair, quick, peaceful and amiable as possible on his end.

How she chooses to behave and conduct her post-divroce life on her end? Those are all her choices to make. Steve cannot make them for her.

Galagirl

Betty is Steve's wife. It's up to HIM what to do about their relationship not you. All that has been discussed about her here and in your blog is basically what a loser Betty is. She probably would be better off somewhere else and she certainly knows she is not wanted. Have you ever considered that that knowledge may be what is REALLY contributing to her stress? Knowing that the three of you want her gone but she is too depressed by that knowledge to pull herself out of it?

Steve and Betty have been together for a very long time. The state of their marriage isn't just HER doing.

powerpuffgrl1969 said:

Betty is Steve's wife. It's up to HIM what to do about their relationship not you. All that has been discussed about her here and in your blog is basically what a loser Betty is. She probably would be better off somewhere else and she certainly knows she is not wanted. Have you ever considered that that knowledge may be what is REALLY contributing to her stress? Knowing that the three of you want her gone but she is too depressed by that knowledge to pull herself out of it?

Steve and Betty have been together for a very long time. The state of their marriage isn't just HER doing.

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I will have to disagree with you on your comments. Betty creates her own stress and has done so way before our quad even existed. That is why Steve and Betty are in the situation that they are in today. As much as I "vent" in my blog, we have never made Betty feel as though she is not wanted. We just recently made a move for Steve, Peter and I to be together at least one night a week. These are struggles that every triad and quad go through, so please don't imply that our scenario is odd or uncommon. I am asking for advice on how to handle the situation from people who have encountered similar situations, not criticism from people who could care less.

You are perfectly within your rights to ignore my comments; even block them. However, I do have a right to post them. In your blog, you write about Betty with nothing but contempt. I didn't post anything there because, according to the rules of the forum, blogs are kept more "sacred," which they should be.

Surely, you cannot deny that you have no right meddling in Steve and Betty's marriage. Your sphere of influence extends to the relationship between you and Steve and you and Betty. Steve is a 40-something year old man who has been with Betty for over 20 years. His relationship with her is HIS to deal with. You can tell him you support him in whatever decision he makes (or not, that's up to you), but that's where your influence should END. Does that not make sense?

We all live together and are in a poly-fidelity relationship so their business is my business and my business is their business. It is the level of communication and commitment that we have established this relationship with....and with full consent. There is no rule book and not every polyamorous relationship is set up exactly the same way. We do what works for us.

Steve's relationship with Betty is his own to deal with but it impacts me directly so in essence it is "our" problem. He will make the final decision but I have to support whatever decision he makes and live with the consequences.

Please leave my personal blog out of your comments. Those are my personal thoughts and may or may not completely reflect everything going on in my house.

powerpuffgrl1969 said:

Surely, you cannot deny that you have no right meddling in Steve and Betty's marriage. Your sphere of influence extends to the relationship between you and Steve and you and Betty. Steve is a 40-something year old man who has been with Betty for over 20 years. His relationship with her is HIS to deal with. You can tell him you support him in whatever decision he makes (or not, that's up to you), but that's where your influence should END. Does that not make sense?

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Steve and Betty's divorce will be final in 21 days so I am done with the Quad relationship and going forward with our Triad.

PolyNurse said:

Steve and Betty's divorce will be final in 21 days so I am done with the Quad relationship and going forward with our Triad.

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I want to wish you congrats, although I know that it also comes with some sour connotations.

I'm just thirty and my fiancé and boyfriend are in their late twenties. Boyfriend is going through a divorce, as of Monday. Like someone said before, any excuses can be made for or against divorce but, in the end, all that matters is that everyone is doing what they are to make themselves happy.

Good luck with everything and best wishes to you three!

Hi PolyNurse, thanks for that update, I hope things go reasonably well for all four of you during this transition.

PolyNurse said:

What is right for us is a V relationship. We already have one without her knowledge. We just don't know how to exclude her at this point?

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PolyNurse said:

As much as I "vent" in my blog, we have never made Betty feel as though she is not wanted. We just recently made a move for Steve, Peter and I to be together at least one night a week.

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You say you are looking for a way to exclude her in one post. You later say you're not making her feel unwanted--even as you admit you were seeking a way to 'exclude' her.

I have to agree with powerpuff. Both your words here and in your blog speak volumes about your disdain for her and you must think she's a complete fool if you've convinced yourself she doesn't feel that.

PolyNurse said:

I am asking for advice on how to handle the situation from people who have encountered similar situations, not criticism from people who could care less.

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'The situation' being...how to handle one member of a quad that is no longer wanted?

I think powerpuff has very good advice for someone in this situation. It is always wise to consider how our own behavior is impacting others and contributing to things. Because if we're missing a factor in the situation, then it becomes impossible to solve.

We have no way of knowing powerpuff 'could care less.' In fact, it's when we don't care at all that we don't bother telling someone they're running toward a cliff. She took the time to tell you you're running toward a cliff so that maybe you could consider what you CAN do.

Maybe she also cares about how Betty feels in all this--Betty also being a human being with a heart, soul, and feelings.

Maybe she cares about all the future lurkers who will read this and see in their own situation that maybe their own actions are contributing to the break down of their triad or quad.

And I'm sorry, but you're posting on a public forum. Anybody can respond and anybody who has read your words on your blog has some idea of your view of Betty and of course what you say there has some bearing on what is happening now.

It seems at this point you've made the decision. Betty has been ousted. You, Steve, and Peter are the same people you always were and you will carry that into the new V. I wish Betty the best of luck.