Poly/mono

All hell broke lose at my house. After a year he decided to tell me he's not comfortable with our open marriage, never has been. He has been dying inside but agreed to all of this because he thought I'd cheat anyway. He broke down when I started talking to a guy back home. He acted like he was okay with it when I was talking to his coworker, the guy he picked, but since I started talking to a guy who had no connection to him he flipped out and called the whole thing off. So I guess my question is can a person who identifies as poly ever be truly happy in a mono relationship? I love him so much and I don't want to lose him, but I don't want either of us to be unhappy.

Tinkerbell87 said:

can a person who identifies as poly ever be truly happy in a mono relationship?

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Well... hm. Speaking for myself, if you mean monoamorous, then YES, certainly. I've been on both ends, & have found it very satisfying.

(Then again, I commonly work ~50-hour weeks, & am a part-time writer & musician, so alone time & independence are central to my life -- not a great fit for one-to-one stuff. )

But if you mean monogamy...? No, not so much. That's an entire worldview, deeply dependent upon idealized equality & balance & togetherness. By definition, it doesn't allow any "more than one" stuff to have validity.

Bummer that what could have been a partnership turns out to be his giving in to you -- worse, believing he did so under duress. Did he think you were going to "come to your senses," like "get it out of your system" or something?

Did you at any point wonder what's "open" about a relationship where your "partner" holds the power to choose not only your potential sexual partners, but who you're allowed to talk to?

Ugh! You allowed him to choose your first lover?

And now that you're choosing, your husband is vetoing?

It sounds like things aren't working out.

And, no, if you truly feel you are "hardwired poly" and he is "hardwired mono" and also wants a monogamous relationship, and can't handle poly/mono, you guy might need to split up. There are lots of mono people here who are FINE with a poly partner, but an equal amount also aren't comfortable with that arrangement.

I am hardwired poly and managed to survive a 30 year mono marriage, but I was always deeply unhappy inside about it.

Re (from OP):

"So I guess my question is can a person who identifies as poly ever be truly happy in a mono relationship?"

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I'm somewhat inclined to think that depends on *how* poly you are inside. For instance if you are 60% poly (and 40% mono), you could probably get used to a mono life. But if you are 90% poly, you'd probably always be unhappy in a mono situation. Unless the percentage changes, I don't know if that can happen, maybe it depends on how deep-seated the percentage is. I hope that makes sense.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult turn of events.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I'm currently in a poly-mono relationship and we are fantastic together for now but don't see it lasting forever (nothing needs to last forever anyway).

IMHO the keys are openness and honesty. If your husband is absolutely not okay with polyamory then your marriage might be in trouble but your relationship doesn't have to be. This is so so so much easier said than done but with many years of getting used to the idea (and perhaps a poly-friendly therapist to meet with) you might both benefit more from being lifelong friends than romantic partners.

Of course, I know very little about your situation and am only thinking of what advice I would give myself in the shoes I have imagined you to be in.