Calling all tried and true polyamorists!

B

Beautifullyflawed31

New member
I've been in my first poly relationship for almost 16 months. First poly relationship and first woman I have ever been with. We have build a solid foundation and I know we both love each other and want to be with one another for forever.

However due to being secondary I don't have the privilege of marriage, kids, or being able to live with her. These are all things that are very important to me.

So here lies my question. Is it a realistic goal to try to find another partner who will accept me being poly, while not wanting another partner for themselves? I would love to find a male to settle down with, marry, and raise kids with. Needing sound advice and success stories if they are out there! Thank you in advance for any help!
 
Hi Beautifullyflawed31,

Re:
"Is it a realistic goal to try to find another partner who will accept me being poly, while not wanting another partner for themselves?"
Click to expand...

It's possible. It may take some time though; you will have to be patient.

Have you tried OKCupid?
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
There are multiple people on this site who are in mono/poly relationships. Not sure if they surgically sought it or if it just happened.

Personally, I have two partners. Hubby doesn't date anymore but would be open to in the right circumstances. Boy just has no drive to do so but goes on the occasional date when he meets someone during his normal activities. I would feel wrong telling my partner that I want something that I wouldn't be open to them having.
 
My husband is mono. When we first opened our marriage he tried dating someone, but quickly decided it wasn't worth the time or hassle. He now likes to (jokingly) tell me I'm enough work and so he doesn't want anyone else.

So yes, it is possible... But he and I were monogamous in actions for the first several years we were together.
 
Beautifullyflawed31 said:
I've been in my first poly relationship for almost 16 months. First poly relationship and first woman I have ever been with. We have build a solid foundation and I know we both love each other and want to be with one another for forever.

However due to being secondary I don't have the privilege of marriage, kids, or being able to live with her. These are all things that are very important to me.

So here lies my question. Is it a realistic goal to try to find another partner who will accept me being poly, while not wanting another partner for themselves? I would love to find a male to settle down with, marry, and raise kids with. Needing sound advice and success stories if they are out there! Thank you in advance for any help!
Click to expand...

It's fine to want what you want. When one is poly, the dating pool is smaller than if one is mono, which is the norm in our culture. (Even if being mono is often a cover for cheaters, and those living lives of quiet desperation, or people who are "serial monogamists," and break up once the infatuation phase is over, to seek the greener grass on the other side of the fence).

You may well find what you seek as long as you are true to yourself, and respectful of those you date with your goal in mind. There are plenty of poly people involved with a mono person.

You may find monogamy works better for a while when you meet someone to breed with. Kids take a shit ton of work and energy, especially in the infant and preschool phase. You might not have a drive to date multiple people when your hypothetical kids are young. Hell, you might not even have energy or time for much sex or dating of one partner when you're dealing with round the clock feeding, little sleep, teething, minor illnesses, constant go go go chasing toddlers, etc.! To each phase of life, give it your all.

A loving poly partner will be valued if they understand just how busy and exhausted (and in love with your baby) you will be. Kids needs come first.
 
So here lies my question. Is it a realistic goal to try to find another partner who will accept me being poly, while not wanting another partner for themselves? I would love to find a male to settle down with, marry, and raise kids with. Needing sound advice and success stories if they are out there! Thank you in advance for any help!
Click to expand...

Well, I have not one, but TWO mono partners. So based on my experience, it can happen. However, I think it is important to be up front with your potential people that you want them to remain mono, if that is in fact what you are seeking. Be prepared for a lot of them to tell you that you are being unfair - if you are allowing yourself to have multiple partners, then why put a restriction on them?

My guys are absolutely allowed to date others, as long as we are all up front about it. For a long while, early on in my relationship with PunkRock, I was REALLY uncertain about him dating. However, I didn't have the same feelings about DarkKnight. When I really took the time to try and figure out why, it really came down to the length of our respective relationships - I knew I could trust DarkKnight to have my best interests in mind, and that I was secure with him. That wasn't the case then, with PunkRock, since our relationship was so new.

I have dated guys who were already married, or already juggling other partners, but the difference was that those guys were not primaries to me, and weren't angling for that sort of position in my life. So I didn't mind them dating. If that makes sense. With PunkRock, right away we knew that we were meant to be together, and I wanted to protect that, and build on it. Now that I feel secure, I am cool with the idea of him dating. That said, he has no desire to do so at the moment.

We also have a standing rule that prior to either of my guys beginning a relationship, I want them to read the book, More Than Two. Since neither of them has finished it, them dating is kinda moot at this point. I bring it up every few months, but they're both kinda, meh. We have a lot going on in our lives right now, so none of us are looking to open at the present time, for sure.

So, I understand that you want a primary of your own, because you feel you will never be more than secondary with your girlfriend. And that is a very normal, real thing to want. However, I don't think it would be entirely beyond the realm of things for your new primary to maybe want a secondary too. Or maybe a second primary. Would you be ok with this? I would caution shutting down the love life of a person that doesn't exist yet, and instead be open to the idea that your new partner may already be a secondary himself - maybe he's searching for a primary relationship too!

Coming from me, I completely understand not wanting your new partner to start new dating experiences when you are trying to launch a primary relationship. I need trust, and that takes a long time for me to grow. But I wouldn't want that person to feel restricted their entire lives, when I myself am not. That's just me personally though. :)
 
Beautifullyflawed31 said:
So here lies my question. Is it a realistic goal to try to find another partner who will accept me being poly, while not wanting another partner for themselves? I would love to find a male to settle down with, marry, and raise kids with. Needing sound advice and success stories if they are out there! Thank you in advance for any help!
Click to expand...
I kind of want the same thing. I feel I have a good relationship going on so it would be a shame to have to give it up for monogamy, but I still want a reliable life partner to love, cohabit and raise kids with.

I've worked my way up over the past year or so from a place of severe fear and dislike over the idea of this hypothetical idealized dream life partner dating and having sex with someone else, to "oh maybe under certain circumstances it wouldn't bother me" (circumstances like being present with me enough and being really careful about sexual health). So that's the direction I am going about it. But I don't really feel ready to have two partners, so that's another thing to overcome.
 
Actually this sounds quite doable given your situation. I bet there are plenty of guys who would have no problem being in a relationship with a bi woman who has a girlfriend, as long as the guy is the primary. I'm assuming you have no intention of adding other guys. Just beware that some guys will hear that you have a gf and will automatically think threesome...lol. That is assuming you expand your dating pool to include non-poly people.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Actually this sounds quite doable given your situation. I bet there are plenty of guys who would have no problem being in a relationship with a bi woman who has a girlfriend, as long as the guy is the primary.
Click to expand...

I agree. I am friends with two couples in this exact situation and all seem to be quite happy and stable.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Beautifullyflawed31,

Re:


It's possible. It may take some time though; you will have to be patient.

Have you tried OKCupid?
Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your reply! I have not tried OKCupid since I have been in this poly relationship. I used it a lot when I was single and had both positive and negative experiences with that site! I guess I should give it another try! Do they have a poly option on your profile when you make it?
 
Not Looking to Box Anyone In

AlwaysGrowing said:
I would feel wrong telling my partner that I want something that I wouldn't be open to them having.
Click to expand...

I'm not looking to tell anyone what they can or can't do. I feel like everyone is saying they were already in a mono relationship before it become poly. I want to know if it can happen the other way around. Can I seek out a mono relationship while already in a poly relationship. I know my partner had to spend a couple years opening her husband to the idea of poly. This is just all new territory for you me, and I am just seeking friendly advice. I would never tell my partner what they could and couldn't do. I am just curious if there are men out there that might be interested in being my primary in a mono relationship while I am in a poly relationship, or if that is just a pipe dream.
 
My exact worry

KC43 said:
My husband is mono. When we first opened our marriage he tried dating someone, but quickly decided it wasn't worth the time or hassle. He now likes to (jokingly) tell me I'm enough work and so he doesn't want anyone else.

So yes, it is possible... But he and I were monogamous in actions for the first several years we were together.
Click to expand...

That is exactly what I am worried about. Since my relationship started from a poly position, I am afraid that I won't be able to find a primary that doesn't want to be poly. Or if it possible, that the chances of finding someone like that is very slim. And as cliché as it sounds, I am worried about my maternal clock running out.
 
Kid Friendly w/ Much Experience

Magdlyn said:
It's fine to want what you want. When one is poly, the dating pool is smaller than if one is mono, which is the norm in our culture. (Even if being mono is often a cover for cheaters, and those living lives of quiet desperation, or people who are "serial monogamists," and break up once the infatuation phase is over, to seek the greener grass on the other side of the fence).

You may well find what you seek as long as you are true to yourself, and respectful of those you date with your goal in mind. There are plenty of poly people involved with a mono person.

You may find monogamy works better for a while when you meet someone to breed with. Kids take a shit ton of work and energy, especially in the infant and preschool phase. You might not have a drive to date multiple people when your hypothetical kids are young. Hell, you might not even have energy or time for much sex or dating of one partner when you're dealing with round the clock feeding, little sleep, teething, minor illnesses, constant go go go chasing toddlers, etc.! To each phase of life, give it your all.

A loving poly partner will be valued if they understand just how busy and exhausted (and in love with your baby) you will be. Kids needs come first.
Click to expand...

I'm actually worried at my age and being poly that I have created a very small pool of possible dating candidates, however I am not saying that I am giving up by any means.

I am a teacher, and while I understand that that isn't exactly the same as being a parent, I am fully aware of how much time, effort, and energy that kids require. I go home most days exhausted. I have a ton of experience working with and being around kids of all ages. I think you make a great point about being mono when first settling with someone, deciding on marriage, and eventually kids. However, I think I want it to remain that way, as long as it is that persons desire to be mono, while being completely ok with me being poly, I think it truly takes a village to raise a child, and being poly can only be an advantage to most children. More love and more hands can never be a bad thing.

My current partner definitely understands that kids and family always come first! I know that one day she will be an amazing mother herself! Thank you for your kind words of advice!
 
Re (from Beautifullyflawed31):
"Do they have a poly option on your profile when you make it?"
Click to expand...

I'm not sure; I haven't visited OKC for some time. I think it has an option you can check to indicate you already have a partner but are still looking/available. More importantly, you can state your relationship basics in your profile, and OKC is tolerant of polyamory. You can also state in your profile exactly what you're looking for. This won't fend off the clueless jerks but at least the good guys will already be aware of what they need to know.
 
Seeking Someone Who WANTS mono, not forcing anyone into it

Bluebird said:
So, I understand that you want a primary of your own, because you feel you will never be more than secondary with your girlfriend. And that is a very normal, real thing to want. However, I don't think it would be entirely beyond the realm of things for your new primary to maybe want a secondary too. Or maybe a second primary. Would you be ok with this? I would caution shutting down the love life of a person that doesn't exist yet, and instead be open to the idea that your new partner may already be a secondary himself - maybe he's searching for a primary relationship too!

Coming from me, I completely understand not wanting your new partner to start new dating experiences when you are trying to launch a primary relationship. I need trust, and that takes a long time for me to grow. But I wouldn't want that person to feel restricted their entire lives, when I myself am not. That's just me personally though. :)
Click to expand...

I am not looking to turn someone who is poly into someone who wants to be mono, I would never try to change someone like that. I am simply asking if finding a mono primary partner might be possible. I am just trying to be true to myself and to what I think I want. Nothing has been set in stone, or put into motion. I just need some advice from some like minded people! :) My mind has been opened to a ton of new things since starting this poly relationship!

I am also quite a slow mover and it takes a long time for me to build trust and commit and be in a serious relationship with someone. However again I am not looking to put restrictions on anyone or any relationship. I am always up front with what I want, and have learned so much about making my needs known and the importance of communication that comes with being in the poly world.

Thank you for your sound advice! It's much appreciated!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
kdt26417 said:
Re (from Beautifullyflawed31):


I'm not sure; I haven't visited OKC for some time. I think it has an option you can check to indicate you already have a partner but are still looking/available. More importantly, you can state your relationship basics in your profile, and OKC is tolerant of polyamory. You can also state in your profile exactly what you're looking for. This won't fend off the clueless jerks but at least the good guys will already be aware of what they need to know.
Click to expand...

Thank you very much for that information! That is very helpful!
 
Like Minded

Tinwen said:
I kind of want the same thing. I feel I have a good relationship going on so it would be a shame to have to give it up for monogamy, but I still want a reliable life partner to love, cohabit and raise kids with.

I've worked my way up over the past year or so from a place of severe fear and dislike over the idea of this hypothetical idealized dream life partner dating and having sex with someone else, to "oh maybe under certain circumstances it wouldn't bother me" (circumstances like being present with me enough and being really careful about sexual health). So that's the direction I am going about it. But I don't really feel ready to have two partners, so that's another thing to overcome.
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for this post! It is really good to know that I am not the only one out there curious about this topic and wanting to add another part to my already amazing relationship!

I, like you, had so many issues to work through when I first started this poly relationship because I was so uneducated in the poly lifestyle that everything was new and all the rules and boundaries were kind of overwhelming! Again it's nice to know that I wasn't the only one! I never thought I would get to a place where I thought my heart was big enough to love two people the way that I love my current partner, but I think its possible, and my desire for marriage and kids is very strong. I definitely no longer think its something to be ignored!

Thank you again for your reply! It was very helpful!
 
Hahaha agreed!

vinsanity0 said:
Actually this sounds quite doable given your situation. I bet there are plenty of guys who would have no problem being in a relationship with a bi woman who has a girlfriend, as long as the guy is the primary. I'm assuming you have no intention of adding other guys. Just beware that some guys will hear that you have a gf and will automatically think threesome...lol. That is assuming you expand your dating pool to include non-poly people.
Click to expand...

Well thank you very much for helping me to think that what I truly want might be possible! And I totally agree! I think some guys might just try to date me thinking they might get to check being in a threesome off their bucket list! :)
 
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