Changing model from primary/secondary to non-hierarchical?

M

mimii

New member
Hi, new here! Seems like there is a vast amount of stories and advice here!
I have a question...

I've recently realized that I'm struggling a lot with the powerlessness of being in a secondary role. I'm considering asking if we can shift our thinking from having a primary/non-primary framework to a more equal arrangement. I'm not actually interested in total equality - they live together, I like my independence - but I don't want to continue to always be second. Does anyone have any experience with this?
 
nycindie said:
Don't ask for what you want; tell them what you want!
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Yeah, I plan to. I have no experience and can't find much existing information on making a change like this though, so I'm hoping someone here will have had experience with making adjustments like this or can point me in the right direction to find some!
 
In what ways are you treated second? I think I would go in with a list of examples. Honestly, even if someone is technically a "secondary" I would find it very disrespectful to actually treat them as such. I'm married, have a child, and all of that with my husband so my boyfriend would be a secondary in that we don't have such co-mingled lives and heavy commitments. Does that I mean I would ever treat him as less than someone I love? No way! He definitely gets treated secondary to my child's needs, but I think all parents do that. lol I respect my partners and treat them as partners while considering all aspects of our lives. Primary/secondary labels don't matter and don't mean that if Hubby wants something he automatically gets it.
 
I agree with AlwaysGrowing to ask for the specific things you want rather than just asking to be a coprimary. Maybe write them out and clarify them in your mind before talking to your partner. If it's more time, more overnights, the ability to make plans without getting his OSO's permission (a shared calendar may help with that), the ability to depend on him in a crisis, etc, those things are less huge or scary sounding than say wanting to share a home with him, have his child, or commingle funds with him (things asking for more equality may imply to your partner and his OSO.) Of course, if you want the option to have those things, shared home, baby, commingled finances, state that, too. I just think it's easier to address the areas you feel unbalanced/unequal in if you have them clarified in your mind.
 
I do have specific changes in mind that I'd like to ask for - a small increase in time, more influence over scheduling, and some degree of greater involvement in each others' social lives. I'm pretty sure that all of those will be acceptable, probably even welcome.

Where I stumble when I begin to plan to discuss these changes is that I don't feel good about investing more of myself in a relationship where there is a stratification based on things other than practical arrangements. The changes that I listed above would make this relationship what I consider a primary relationship. I'm not comfortable with having someone fulfill a primary role in my life if I'm second to them, so I'd need to have the language and the prioritization shift for them too in order to be happy and secure. Does that make sense?
 
Hi mimii,

So, you want two overall things:

  • the title of primary (or co-primary) instead of secondary,
  • certain moderate privileges for you in the relationship.
... and the privileges would be:

  • a small increase in time,
  • more influence over scheduling,
  • some degree of greater involvement in each others' social lives.
Am I understanding correctly?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
  • the title of primary (or co-primary) instead of secondary,
  • certain moderate privileges for you in the relationship.
... and the privileges would be:

  • a small increase in time,
  • more influence over scheduling,
  • some degree of greater involvement in each others' social lives.
Click to expand...

What I want is to get rid of the "primary" designation altogether. No more "this is the couple" and "you are the other". Otherwise, you are spot on. :)
 
It might be worth having a conversation about what those terms mean to you and to your partner. You can ask on the boards here and everyone will give you their own version of what primary/secondary means and what hierarchy means.

In my mind, someone can be my primary without me being their primary, because of how I see it. But to me, often primary can just be about level of entanglement. If one couple lives together but one of those partners has another SO that they don't live with but consider to be just as important, they may consider the more entangled partner to be a primary merely due to level of entanglement, not in terms of time, scheduling, affection, etc. For others, primary/secondary IS about one person getting priority with those things.
 
Hm. Thanks for the input everybody!

I do notice that most of you seem to be implying a recommendation against straight up asking to remove the hierarchical labels... Is that right?

(I don't plan to just drop it in a convo, but to explain why and what I mean by it and get feedback and be open to negotiating, btw.)
 
I definitely dislike labels, and wouldn't likely date a person who could refer to me as (or anyone else) a secondary. I get it as a shorthand in explaining things on a forum, but that's about it.

I have a nesting partner, and am more entangled with them than other partners in terms of finances and responsibilities. But, that doesn't make anyone else that is important in my life (friends, family, lovers, cats...) secondary. Everyone and everything in my life changes depending on the need. If my lover is in a chemo treatment, they take priority at that moment. If my BFF needs to talk, she does. If my mom is ill, she does. If I am having date night, that person if the priority unless am emergency arises. Etc.
 
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Mimii,

May I ask how long you've been together with your partner? Do you have a positive relationship with your meta? I'm probably not the best person to respond as I'm so new to this, but I firmly believe that you never get what you don't ask for. I say go for it. Are your plans to speak solely with your partner, or with both of them?

I'm also curious about the transition people have made into making someone a co-primary. I'm coming from the role of primary, but am trying to come to terms with how this all works and how to honour the 'secondary' (also not a fan of the term) as best as possible...
 
Re (from mimii):
"I do notice that most of you seem to be implying a recommendation against straight up asking to remove the hierarchical labels ... Is that right?"
Click to expand...

I don't mean to imply that. Removing hierarchical language is just fine (so long as you're all agreed on it).
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from mimii):


I don't mean to imply that. Removing hierarchical language is just fine (so long as you're all agreed on it).
Click to expand...

Ha! Actually you were the one of the people who compelled me to use "most", because you didn't seem to imply anything. :)

habibtig said:
May I ask how long you've been together with your partner? Do you have a positive relationship with your meta? I'm probably not the best person to respond as I'm so new to this, but I firmly believe that you never get what you don't ask for. I say go for it. Are your plans to speak solely with your partner, or with both of them?
Click to expand...

It's been a couple of years. And I'm friendly when I see the partner, but we haven't spent much time together and we don't have a direct line of communication established, although both of us are willing to change that, but haven't acted on it.
 
I like the "entanglement" paradigm -- it seems to line up nicely with my own feelings & usage.
________________

As for any "recommendation against straight up asking to remove the hierarchical labels"... wow; now that you put it THAT way, you've found my opinion. :eek:

Should you focus on getting rid of the label, then you run a clear risk of a mere symbolic victory -- dumping cyanide tablets into a vitamin bottle doesn't make them much healthier, & an unmarked bottle is likely not an improvement.

Given that "win," any further changes might become less likely. IME, some people will readily give ground on such trivia, then feel as though they've met you halfway, & balk at any further concessions.

If you actually want change in your status, maybe you should do that first, & leave label-changing for later.
 
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