Hi - why I'm here

Hello to all - I'm not entirely new to polyamory, have been into it for a couple of years, with varying degrees of success. It makes so much sense to me, but can be so much more complicated than being monogamous, especially because it is so different from the cultural norm.

I'm prompted to seek online community because of discomfort with a fairly new relationship... I was clear with him, right from the beginning, that I'm not exclusive, but for the past week, he has been letting me know that it really bothers him when I'm not with him and he wonders who I'm with instead. He has always been in exclusive relationships, and he says he understands I'm not that way, and that he'll "take what (he) can get."

I don't feel responsible for his feelings, but I don't know how to figure out whether this is something we can get through. Our last couple of conversations have made me reluctant to spend time with him, but because I don't know how to handle his feelings of attachment.

My husband has a girlfriend who goes through spells of feeling like she is a failure because he won't be exclusive with her... she has told him she kind of feels like, if she were good enough, he would want to be with her exclusively.

Anyway, glad to find like-minded people and I hope to gain insight from those more experienced.

Hello and welcome! I am sure Kevin will be by momentarily with his "official greeter post" (I just love when I can beat him to the punch!)

It sounds as though your arrangement with your husband is just fine but it is the "potential" partner that you are concerned about.

I don't know how to figure out whether this is something we can get through. Our last couple of conversations have made me reluctant to spend time with him, but because I don't know how to handle his feelings of attachment.

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Does your potential have issues with your relationship with your husband or with other "prospects" that you are seeing? - because I think that those are two different aspects to consider.

If it feels to him that you are not available for an "escalator" type relationship with him because you already have that with your husband?...you can let him know how far up the "escalator" you are available. (For me the escalator can go to co-primary and co-habitating, but not to legal marriage, because that is not available.) You could let him know that you are OK with him seeking an "escalator" partner (that isn't you) with the understanding that when he finds that person, then you will step off, if he is fundamentally monogamous. (If that is how you feel).

If he is fine with your husband, but leery of you cultivating other prospects while you guys are dating? ...You have a couple of options. You can let him know that you are NOT willing to restrict yourself with regards to other prospects (if this is how you feel) - he can then decide for himself whether this is something that he is up for. You can agree to shut down dating of others while you two figure out whether or not you can be in a healthy relationship with each other with the understanding that this has a defined end-point (3 months, for example).

Every person has their own poly-saturation point, how many people do we actually have time/attention for?

When Dude and I got involved it was a good year or more before he started actively looking for someone else to date - our relationship was already pretty solid at that point. When we all got together with Lotus, she asked for Dude and I to "close" to new partners for a while to see how things worked out between all of us (me, my husband, my boyfriend, her, her husband) before adding any new people to the mix (did NOT affect "old" ties).

All of us are/were comfortable with the idea of poly, it is much harder for someone who is coming from a mono mindset.

Greetings LarkA,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from LarkA):

"I don't feel responsible for his feelings, but I don't know how to figure out whether this is something we can get through."

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It's kind of hard to say. My initial guess is, "Probably not," based on how much resistance he seems to be exerting, but I could be wrong.

Re (from JaneQSmythe):

"I am sure Kevin will be by momentarily with his 'official greeter post' (I just love when I can beat him to the punch!)."

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Just so we understand this is the exception not the rule! Woof.

Re (from LarkA):

"Anyway, glad to find like-minded people and I hope to gain insight from those more experienced."

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There's a good amount of experience to tap into here, a great variety of experience. You'll be able to contribute to that too.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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