A VERY BAD start!
- Thread starter Bella999
- Start date
Since my wife is still seeing her friend or boyfriend... and claims to love him..
but I am not ok with them having sex, then she is still polyamorous, but not poly sexual. She is not having sex with him anymore.
I think people should care for one another... why not? Doesn't that make the world a better place?
It's good to know that polyamory has nothing to do with sex. That is what I was hung up on I suppose.
I wouldn't have an issue with having a side girlfriend who I had casual sex with. I probably would not be falling deeply in love with her, but who knows.... just sounds too complicated and would likely add drama to our relationship.
but I am not ok with them having sex, then she is still polyamorous, but not poly sexual. She is not having sex with him anymore.
I think people should care for one another... why not? Doesn't that make the world a better place?
It's good to know that polyamory has nothing to do with sex. That is what I was hung up on I suppose.
I wouldn't have an issue with having a side girlfriend who I had casual sex with. I probably would not be falling deeply in love with her, but who knows.... just sounds too complicated and would likely add drama to our relationship.
As far as sex goes, polyamorous relationships are like monogamous ones: There can be sex, but there doesn't have to be. Sex and love are not mutually inclusive; just as in swinging you can have sex without love, in polyamory you can have love without sex.
My first boyfriend after I came out as poly was someone I met while he was in the area, but during that time he was an FWB, because at that time Hubby and I were defining things as an open marriage. While this guy was in our area, I had sex with him. But by the time I realized I'd fallen in love with him, he'd been back in his home state for two months. Our official relationship (as opposed to FWB) began after two months of not seeing each other face to face, let alone having sex, and over the next year, we only saw each other in person three times. The third time caused the end of the relationship.
My first boyfriend after I came out as poly was someone I met while he was in the area, but during that time he was an FWB, because at that time Hubby and I were defining things as an open marriage. While this guy was in our area, I had sex with him. But by the time I realized I'd fallen in love with him, he'd been back in his home state for two months. Our official relationship (as opposed to FWB) began after two months of not seeing each other face to face, let alone having sex, and over the next year, we only saw each other in person three times. The third time caused the end of the relationship.
Today she brought home a big bag of his laundry. I asked, what is in the bag? she said, it's his laundry. It just seems like she is try to force this thing inch by inch. She sees him every single day for at least 8 hours. It's not a once a week thing or once in a while.
I told her, "I hope you know what you are doing"
The door for me to engage another woman is just wide open now.
No one I feel crazy about though.
I told her, "I hope you know what you are doing"
The door for me to engage another woman is just wide open now.
No one I feel crazy about though.
GreenAcres
New member
Since you seem unwilling to take any advice from posters here, or to do any self-work, but prefer to continue to act out and consider bringing others into your acting out, I hope you at least take the ethical route and inform potentials about your clustered-mess of a situation in a totally honest way (a good way would be letting them read this thread). Given your insistence on tit-for-tat behavior and the passive-aggressive communication going on, however, I suspect you will not, instead leaving your new potential partner(s) without all of the information to make an informed decision about getting involved in this volatile, fraught situation.
I've never met a woman with an ounce of self-respect, and certainly no poly woman, that would get involved with you if you were up-front about what was going on. It's a sad and disturbing thought that it's likely that decision will not entirely be hers to make, since she's almost certainly going to be doing it without full information.
I've never met a woman with an ounce of self-respect, and certainly no poly woman, that would get involved with you if you were up-front about what was going on. It's a sad and disturbing thought that it's likely that decision will not entirely be hers to make, since she's almost certainly going to be doing it without full information.
My wife set up a dinner date tomorrow night with a female friend who has told us both she is poly. She is having us both over for dinner. She also knows both of us quite well.
So I suspect she is hoping I will take the bait so my wife can continue her sexual relationship with her boyfriend.
It puts me in a weird predicament. Right now, everything seems more of less livable. I still need to see an actual working poly relationship in real life... not just internet conjecture.
So I suspect she is hoping I will take the bait so my wife can continue her sexual relationship with her boyfriend.
It puts me in a weird predicament. Right now, everything seems more of less livable. I still need to see an actual working poly relationship in real life... not just internet conjecture.
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opalescent
Active member
I'm done with reading your posts. I stopped responding because it's clear you do not want suggestions or thoughts. You're going to fuck up your life further and almost certainly hurt some unlucky woman who doesn't know the shitshow she's signing up for. But hey, refusing to learn from others mistakes is your right. So I would read the ongoing train wreck posts once in a while.
So why am I blocking you now? I am angry that you contemptuously dismiss everyone who continues to interact with you as 'internet conjecture'. Real poly people offered you their experiences, their ideas and suggestions. You certainly don't have to take those suggestions or engage with them in any way - and you haven't. But it is incredibly rude to dismiss the people who spent real time and energy replying to you.
You have every right to continue posting here. I don't know why you bother (actually I think you like the attention) but post away!
I urge everyone else not to waste their time.
Ravenscroft
Banned
I hope you find peace and happiness in your life. I always try to accept others the best I can as they are, and I appreciate the helpful and suggestive posts that many have made here. Not sure why you are so negative towards us... but you are free to have your opinions.. as do I.
Our situation is different than yours.... I am sure. Because we come from a strong "swinging" background, that does affect the decisions we are both making. I am sure others here have toyed with swinging from time to time.
The events that are going on are happening in real time. The woman who is inviting us over tonight knows all three of us very well. I can't think of a better situation. She is openly poly and tells everyone she is. She is not in the closet about it like many are here on this site. I admire her for that.
Not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to come out of the closet. I know I'd come out right away if Brother-Husband and Snowbunny were down with it. Unfortunately, they have a lot to lose by coming out. A lot more than I do, it seems.
I have no problem with this woman who has invited you over. But what am I (and what is this forum), chopped liver?
I have no problem with this woman who has invited you over. But what am I (and what is this forum), chopped liver?
Not closeted, and I'm pretty sure I'm not just pixels or conjecture. See my signature for my poly bonafides, as it were (although we don't live together so perhaps you'd say that doesn't count?)
And yeah, I used to be a swinger. ::shrug:: didn't make me any better or worse at poly other than it let me prove that sex isn't the crux of a relationship.
So do you and your (poly) friend have anything in common other than she's poly and (potentially?) available? I haven't heard anything from you indicating interest in any sort of a relationship that isn't just sex, to be honest. :-(
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I think, what he wants to say with the conjecture thing, is, that you cannot verify over the internet if a relationship is working/happy. You have to know the people quite well, see them interacting etc. ... here you have one side of the story most time.
Not very respectuful anyway.
Not very respectuful anyway.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Oh, Bella, Bella, Bella, you are too funny. After all these pages, we are still on page one. You're like a jaded single woman who goes around complaining that there are no good men left in the world. I was encouraged to leave this discussion in its early stages and I pretty much have, but I'm noting how everything was said and done in the first few pages and that in all this discussion, your viewpoint hasn't budged. So much wonderful insight has been offered to you, yet you're still dead set on seeing that the problems you encounter are due to a relationship style's (and everyone else's) shortcomings. There are many people here with swinging experience (the focus is on sex, not on an intimate relationship) which has been pointed out several times. That you continue to take a "me against them" stance in every one of your posts says everything about your mindset and nothing about this community. Aren't you the least bit curious about other ways to see life?
I think that in your heart of hearts, you really do want poly to be viable. I think that you are quite drawn to the notion that multiple loves are possible and that people can live in sweet harmony without borders on their affections. That's why you return to us again and again. You're arguing with your own self, Bella, and we are mere characters acting out your internal drama. There is no way that you would still be carrying on this "swinging vs. poly" discussion unless you had a good bit of internal struggle driving your participation here.
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Re (from Tinwen):
You can't necessarily verify it in "real life" either. Say you have a dinner date with a poly V, and they all show up. Do you think they're going to display their disagreements and arguments? Hell no, they're going to put their best foot forward because that's what people do in a polite meeting between relative strangers.
If anything, I think it's easier to see poly's flaws on an internet forum such as this. People have more anonymity here, so they have less to lose by telling the whole truth (the good, the bad, the ugly). A visit to the blog board will soon demonstrate that, as will a look at the various threads here on the poly relationships board. Nobody's trying to hide their struggles here, or at least not very many.
I guess if you grow close to someone "in real life," they're more likely to show you their broken side as well as their whole side. But what I'm saying is, you can actually get to the whole truth much faster on the internet. No it's not a perfect medium, but it's a useful medium. It's like FallenAngelina says: Why does Bella999 keep visiting this forum if he finds it has no value to him? Why does anyone visit this forum? I know I consider it an opportunity to interact with real people; that's why I'm here.
You can't necessarily verify it in "real life" either. Say you have a dinner date with a poly V, and they all show up. Do you think they're going to display their disagreements and arguments? Hell no, they're going to put their best foot forward because that's what people do in a polite meeting between relative strangers.
If anything, I think it's easier to see poly's flaws on an internet forum such as this. People have more anonymity here, so they have less to lose by telling the whole truth (the good, the bad, the ugly). A visit to the blog board will soon demonstrate that, as will a look at the various threads here on the poly relationships board. Nobody's trying to hide their struggles here, or at least not very many.
I guess if you grow close to someone "in real life," they're more likely to show you their broken side as well as their whole side. But what I'm saying is, you can actually get to the whole truth much faster on the internet. No it's not a perfect medium, but it's a useful medium. It's like FallenAngelina says: Why does Bella999 keep visiting this forum if he finds it has no value to him? Why does anyone visit this forum? I know I consider it an opportunity to interact with real people; that's why I'm here.
Regardless of what was meant by "conjecture", I have to wonder whether Bella knows what it *really* means... "The formation or expression of an opinion or theory without sufficient evidence for proof." (dictionary.com definition).
I'm not an opinion or theory, and I have sufficient evidence to prove how my life as a polyamorous woman has worked successfully. I'm a real life person who is polyamorous, and while I've had two relationships fail since the poly thing started, neither failed *because of* polyamory. (Well... polyamory was a factor in one, the guy was panic-stricken that his employer and family might find out he was dating a married woman, and that contributed to his bailing on the relationship. But that wasn't the *only* reason.)
Pretty sure no one else on here is an opinion or theory either.
*Bella* might be conjecturing about whether we're telling the truth or not, but that doesn't mean our relationships are conjecture, only that he only knows us online and so nothing can be proven to *his* satisfaction.
As for being closeted... I'm only closeted when it comes to Hubby's family and people who are directly connected to them, and that is at Hubby's request. And I'm not even completely closeted with them; Hubby isn't really stressed about whether they *accidentally* find out I'm poly (e.g. I post something hidden from them on Facebook, but someone whose posts aren't hidden from them shares it or something), he just doesn't want me going to them and telling them myself. With everyone else, if there's a logical reason for them to know I'm poly, they know, including at least one of Country's teachers.
I'm not an opinion or theory, and I have sufficient evidence to prove how my life as a polyamorous woman has worked successfully. I'm a real life person who is polyamorous, and while I've had two relationships fail since the poly thing started, neither failed *because of* polyamory. (Well... polyamory was a factor in one, the guy was panic-stricken that his employer and family might find out he was dating a married woman, and that contributed to his bailing on the relationship. But that wasn't the *only* reason.)
Pretty sure no one else on here is an opinion or theory either.
*Bella* might be conjecturing about whether we're telling the truth or not, but that doesn't mean our relationships are conjecture, only that he only knows us online and so nothing can be proven to *his* satisfaction.
As for being closeted... I'm only closeted when it comes to Hubby's family and people who are directly connected to them, and that is at Hubby's request. And I'm not even completely closeted with them; Hubby isn't really stressed about whether they *accidentally* find out I'm poly (e.g. I post something hidden from them on Facebook, but someone whose posts aren't hidden from them shares it or something), he just doesn't want me going to them and telling them myself. With everyone else, if there's a logical reason for them to know I'm poly, they know, including at least one of Country's teachers.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
it really doesn't matter if we are all real people or character studies for someone's novel. People who come here looking for helpful, expansive new thoughts will find them. People who come here looking for reasons to justify their cemented world view will find that, too.
Alright... I feel that I need to put my two cents in here. I came to this site for a completely different circumstance, however, all in all, I think it's pretty clear that most of us have the same motivations for being here. Take away all of the countless relationship models, and what do most all of us have in common? Relationship struggles, how to navigate all of the highs & lows that we, as human beings will experience at times. Hell, it doesn't even have to center on relationships with significant others... Parents, children, friends, you name it. We will ALL go through our fair share of drama from time to time.
Now, I'm pretty sure that my views as a monogamous person, have been known to ruffle some feathers of many here. But the thing is, that even if my views don't align with theirs, many of them STILL take the time to offer their input, and attempt to see where I'm coming from. It was like Kevin said earlier, we all have the anonymity on this site to give us some breathing room to be who we really are, or at the very least, explore who we think we might be (sorry for paraphrasing). I share deeply personal stuff here, because I don't have the ability to do so with people in my personal life. I don't have a ton of friends, and I sure as hell wouldn't feel comfortable telling my story to an extremely judgmental family as I have. It's true, one never really knows who their chatting with on a site like this... In my opinion, I think it's better that way. Not because I have an agenda to lie to strangers, or get people to agree with my version of events... But because I feel that I get much more objective insight from someone I know isn't going to give me that look at a family bbq, or suggest that my problems will all go away if I just went to church.
So you can take what people here say to you however you wish... But ask yourself... WHY on Earth would a group of people on a chat site seek to play games? You can agree with their points, or not. You can heed their advice, or not... That's up to you. But you're doing yourself a tremendous disservice if you choose to dismiss everything as just "internet conjecture".
Rant over.
Now, I'm pretty sure that my views as a monogamous person, have been known to ruffle some feathers of many here. But the thing is, that even if my views don't align with theirs, many of them STILL take the time to offer their input, and attempt to see where I'm coming from. It was like Kevin said earlier, we all have the anonymity on this site to give us some breathing room to be who we really are, or at the very least, explore who we think we might be (sorry for paraphrasing). I share deeply personal stuff here, because I don't have the ability to do so with people in my personal life. I don't have a ton of friends, and I sure as hell wouldn't feel comfortable telling my story to an extremely judgmental family as I have. It's true, one never really knows who their chatting with on a site like this... In my opinion, I think it's better that way. Not because I have an agenda to lie to strangers, or get people to agree with my version of events... But because I feel that I get much more objective insight from someone I know isn't going to give me that look at a family bbq, or suggest that my problems will all go away if I just went to church.
So you can take what people here say to you however you wish... But ask yourself... WHY on Earth would a group of people on a chat site seek to play games? You can agree with their points, or not. You can heed their advice, or not... That's up to you. But you're doing yourself a tremendous disservice if you choose to dismiss everything as just "internet conjecture".
Rant over.