Hi, I am going through a difficult moment but I don't know anyone who knows about poly to even start giving me advice about what to do. This is a longish story but I'll do my best to cut it short.
Me (m/25) and J (f/25), been in a closed relationship for a little over two years, opening up has always been something that we've talked about. She has an avoidant personality, I have an anxious personality, so we have clashes about intimacy and space.
I moved into her place over a year ago, mostly informally, I just kept leaving stuff there until I was living there, but it was a decision we constructed together and which was consensual. We are not people who socialize a lot and we work from home when were not in school, so we spend a lot of time together. Last year we took a 4 month trip to the States which meant a lot of closeness, since we were travelling together.
Since we came back, and because we couldn't enroll in last semesters college term, we spent a LOT of time together. A month ago she started bringing up being exhausted from spending so much time together but framed it as manageable in so far as we could have different spaces around the house. We did but we also started going to yoga together, which I mentioned could be problematic and nevertheless she said she wanted to do it. A couple of weeks ago she exploded after I asked her for a copy of the keys, arguing that that would only mean more invasiveness or closeness, and that I should spend a couple of days at my parents a week. I agreed, although I felt very hurt at the way she framed it, because it felt as if she held me responsible for invading her spaces, even though those were choices we made together.
Not long after she went out and slept over at a friend's place and not long after that she mentioned that she wanted to open the relationship. I avoided asking her whether this had to do with her friend because he had been an issue previously, and she was always very upset when i asked her if they held any mutual attraction. This was difficult because we were already redefining the spaces and intimacy we shared and things were already very tense between us. This triggered a lot of anxiety and fear of abandonment, my previous relationships have ended in cheating and being left for someone else, in me and I eventually looked through her phone. It was a very bad thing to do, both for my self respect and because I violated her trust. However she told me that she was in fact feeling things for this common friend, someone whom we hang out with and with whom I have a friendship with.
Since then I've had very ambivalent feeling about it because, from all I read people always mention that opening up when you're going through a rough patch is never a good idea, granted the idea in itself is challenging and causes conflict and that is not a reason not to do it, but I do believe that there are other things which makenitba bad situation. First, she kept her need for distance bottled up and only let it out when she was already very frustrated and angry, which means we had to redefine what we mean to each other. Then, they are mutually either their only friend or one of their only friends, and he is someone for whom intimacy is a big deal, which leads me to think that it can potentially spell trouble since I don't believe he has ever practiced non monogamy. She is also feeling very lonely and frustrated, which she has sometimes characterized as "pushing her" towards him, and which she partially frames as my fault, for which reason she is very intolerant of my questioning of that potential relationship. It also feels like this a way to avoid the fundamental issues that have driven us apart, she has always been avoidant regarding conflict.
The other problem is that she mentions that it is apparently never a right time to open up, since last time she proposed it I also objected to it not being a right moment. However, she proposed it while we we're experiencing a lot of frustration over my PE. I had started developing some measure of PE which was making me feel very insecure and I had asked for fer help, both to go over what emotional issues and to help me out physically by engaging in more sexual activities, not intercourse per se btw. She never really did do it and we carried this discomfort in our sexual lives up into the point we decided to travel to the States. This was the moment she chose to open up, on account of us being exposed to a lot of new and different people. I objected that us being travelling and with that issue on our hands I would feel really diminished to see her engaging sexually with other people. We had an argument over this and she acknowledged that she never really had wanted to deal with my PE because she saw it as something that if I only stopped paying attention to would go away, and that she felt itbwsnt her burden to bear. Of course, this hurt a lot
During this time she would masturbate a lot, which was hard not to notice since we were hitchhiking and staying in the same placed. This seemed very natural to her but it I felt as if she was just avoiding altogether this dimension of our relationship.
Regarding this episode and the latest in which she more or less made me feel unwelcome, invasive in the very same place we were living in and shared, I have never been able to talk to her without her reproaching me, telling me that I keep making problems instead of sorta letting it go.
Now, this is the climate in which she's proposing for us to open up. This friend of ours is someone who we see in dance classes, something we took up together as a couple, and who we have other plans with, he is also my friend and ive spent time and energy building that friendship, albeit he is not one of the closest friends. I've never been in a non monogamous relationship and I'm feeling a lot of jealousy and insecurity, feelings which I do not take as natural and feelings I have to work on, but it is a lot to ask to have our first foray into poly with so much proximity of her partner. I don't want to see them flirt or touch each other and know that it is sexually charged. I have mentioned this but she has told me that she feels I'm just being manipulative to keep her from actually having a poly thing.
Finally, I have asked her to define the terms on which she is interested in pursuing poly, asking her whether she is interested in friendships, or fallingin love, or allowing for feelings to develop. She has been very unwilling to do this, other than telling me that she sees me as the most important person of her life and that she wants to eventually live with me and travel wirh me. She says that those terns are inadequate because they are borrowed from a monogamy normative worldview. And i get it, it is true, but they are not altogether meaningless, and it doesnt strike me as realistic or responsible to forgoe any definition of the terms altogether. Of course, I know that we are bound to feel things for others, but I think that it is generally understood what we mean by letting feelings develop for others. I would like to know for example, if she is interested in allowing for romantic feelings, but she just says that it is a meaningless question. She also mentioned thatin her ideal relationship other relationships would not have to be defined. Im not sure that is good and it feels like a way to avoid being responsible for what she wants and how she wants it.
Altogether, it seems the more I push for a discussion of these issues, the more she is triggered and feels suffocated, which makes her even less disposed to discuss boundaries and the more she is pushed towards that other relationship. As if the very suggestion of discomfort by me, or a desire to define some things is a threat or an insult to her freedom. Eventually she just stonewalls and shuts me out, which I used to ascribe to personality but not feels like a way to be manipulative and get what she wants.
Because I have no friends that even know about poly, they would just flat out say that it is wrong in principle, I can't asses whether it is me who, because of jealousy and insecurities, lack of compersion or whatever, am blocking the pursuit of poly, or whether my reasons are legitimate to consider that this is a very bad way to do it.
Me (m/25) and J (f/25), been in a closed relationship for a little over two years, opening up has always been something that we've talked about. She has an avoidant personality, I have an anxious personality, so we have clashes about intimacy and space.
I moved into her place over a year ago, mostly informally, I just kept leaving stuff there until I was living there, but it was a decision we constructed together and which was consensual. We are not people who socialize a lot and we work from home when were not in school, so we spend a lot of time together. Last year we took a 4 month trip to the States which meant a lot of closeness, since we were travelling together.
Since we came back, and because we couldn't enroll in last semesters college term, we spent a LOT of time together. A month ago she started bringing up being exhausted from spending so much time together but framed it as manageable in so far as we could have different spaces around the house. We did but we also started going to yoga together, which I mentioned could be problematic and nevertheless she said she wanted to do it. A couple of weeks ago she exploded after I asked her for a copy of the keys, arguing that that would only mean more invasiveness or closeness, and that I should spend a couple of days at my parents a week. I agreed, although I felt very hurt at the way she framed it, because it felt as if she held me responsible for invading her spaces, even though those were choices we made together.
Not long after she went out and slept over at a friend's place and not long after that she mentioned that she wanted to open the relationship. I avoided asking her whether this had to do with her friend because he had been an issue previously, and she was always very upset when i asked her if they held any mutual attraction. This was difficult because we were already redefining the spaces and intimacy we shared and things were already very tense between us. This triggered a lot of anxiety and fear of abandonment, my previous relationships have ended in cheating and being left for someone else, in me and I eventually looked through her phone. It was a very bad thing to do, both for my self respect and because I violated her trust. However she told me that she was in fact feeling things for this common friend, someone whom we hang out with and with whom I have a friendship with.
Since then I've had very ambivalent feeling about it because, from all I read people always mention that opening up when you're going through a rough patch is never a good idea, granted the idea in itself is challenging and causes conflict and that is not a reason not to do it, but I do believe that there are other things which makenitba bad situation. First, she kept her need for distance bottled up and only let it out when she was already very frustrated and angry, which means we had to redefine what we mean to each other. Then, they are mutually either their only friend or one of their only friends, and he is someone for whom intimacy is a big deal, which leads me to think that it can potentially spell trouble since I don't believe he has ever practiced non monogamy. She is also feeling very lonely and frustrated, which she has sometimes characterized as "pushing her" towards him, and which she partially frames as my fault, for which reason she is very intolerant of my questioning of that potential relationship. It also feels like this a way to avoid the fundamental issues that have driven us apart, she has always been avoidant regarding conflict.
The other problem is that she mentions that it is apparently never a right time to open up, since last time she proposed it I also objected to it not being a right moment. However, she proposed it while we we're experiencing a lot of frustration over my PE. I had started developing some measure of PE which was making me feel very insecure and I had asked for fer help, both to go over what emotional issues and to help me out physically by engaging in more sexual activities, not intercourse per se btw. She never really did do it and we carried this discomfort in our sexual lives up into the point we decided to travel to the States. This was the moment she chose to open up, on account of us being exposed to a lot of new and different people. I objected that us being travelling and with that issue on our hands I would feel really diminished to see her engaging sexually with other people. We had an argument over this and she acknowledged that she never really had wanted to deal with my PE because she saw it as something that if I only stopped paying attention to would go away, and that she felt itbwsnt her burden to bear. Of course, this hurt a lot
During this time she would masturbate a lot, which was hard not to notice since we were hitchhiking and staying in the same placed. This seemed very natural to her but it I felt as if she was just avoiding altogether this dimension of our relationship.
Regarding this episode and the latest in which she more or less made me feel unwelcome, invasive in the very same place we were living in and shared, I have never been able to talk to her without her reproaching me, telling me that I keep making problems instead of sorta letting it go.
Now, this is the climate in which she's proposing for us to open up. This friend of ours is someone who we see in dance classes, something we took up together as a couple, and who we have other plans with, he is also my friend and ive spent time and energy building that friendship, albeit he is not one of the closest friends. I've never been in a non monogamous relationship and I'm feeling a lot of jealousy and insecurity, feelings which I do not take as natural and feelings I have to work on, but it is a lot to ask to have our first foray into poly with so much proximity of her partner. I don't want to see them flirt or touch each other and know that it is sexually charged. I have mentioned this but she has told me that she feels I'm just being manipulative to keep her from actually having a poly thing.
Finally, I have asked her to define the terms on which she is interested in pursuing poly, asking her whether she is interested in friendships, or fallingin love, or allowing for feelings to develop. She has been very unwilling to do this, other than telling me that she sees me as the most important person of her life and that she wants to eventually live with me and travel wirh me. She says that those terns are inadequate because they are borrowed from a monogamy normative worldview. And i get it, it is true, but they are not altogether meaningless, and it doesnt strike me as realistic or responsible to forgoe any definition of the terms altogether. Of course, I know that we are bound to feel things for others, but I think that it is generally understood what we mean by letting feelings develop for others. I would like to know for example, if she is interested in allowing for romantic feelings, but she just says that it is a meaningless question. She also mentioned thatin her ideal relationship other relationships would not have to be defined. Im not sure that is good and it feels like a way to avoid being responsible for what she wants and how she wants it.
Altogether, it seems the more I push for a discussion of these issues, the more she is triggered and feels suffocated, which makes her even less disposed to discuss boundaries and the more she is pushed towards that other relationship. As if the very suggestion of discomfort by me, or a desire to define some things is a threat or an insult to her freedom. Eventually she just stonewalls and shuts me out, which I used to ascribe to personality but not feels like a way to be manipulative and get what she wants.
Because I have no friends that even know about poly, they would just flat out say that it is wrong in principle, I can't asses whether it is me who, because of jealousy and insecurities, lack of compersion or whatever, am blocking the pursuit of poly, or whether my reasons are legitimate to consider that this is a very bad way to do it.
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