Temporary "Romantic" Relationships

In the broadest sense, all relationships are temporary, because somebody is going to die at some point. Well, we all die eventually, but you know what I mean -- somebody is going to die first, leaving the other behind. (If you want to pick nits, you could say "but maybe both die in the same firey train or plane crash, ... but never mind.)

I find myself in the position of wondering whether I should continue exploring an intimate, loving and sensual-sexual relationship with this man whom I love but whom I know intends to leave my city, state and region upon graduation from the local university. He's a senior, so that's not far off.

I seem to have lost EVEN MORE of my interest in casual / recreational sex with people with whom I'm not much involved on "a heart level" -- with deep bonding as part and parcel. I never was into that much, anyway, but now I definitely see the whole skin-to-skin, lips-to-lips connection as worthy of treatment as sacred, special ... and not to be taken lightly. Cuddling, kissing and sensuous-sexual relating to me inevitably causes me to feel bonded with my companion. And when I feel bonded I will miss my companion when and if he or she is away from me for any extended time -- like, perhaps, forever. Occasional letters, emails or phone conversations will not suffice as a surrogate for my favorite "love language," touch.

What would you do if you were in love with someone, and that someone let it be known that your time with him or her has a deadline or expiration date -- only (probably) a few months away? Would you continue with the exploration and sharing of kisses and naked cuddles ... knowing they'd all come to an abrupt end soonish? Would you continue to explore a "romantic" connection with him or her?

If you choose not to explore a romantic connection with someone because you know it will end, you might be short changing yourself on an amazing, loving experience. Instead of looking at it as "I'm only going to have this for a short time," try looking at it as "During the time we have, I'm going to have a wonderful connection with someone I care about very much, and we'll have time to learn more about each other and maybe try new things."

KC43 said:

If you choose not to explore a romantic connection with someone because you know it will end, you might be short changing yourself on an amazing, loving experience. Instead of looking at it as "I'm only going to have this for a short time," try looking at it as "During the time we have, I'm going to have a wonderful connection with someone I care about very much, and we'll have time to learn more about each other and maybe try new things."

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All good points. But already I find myself feeling as if I'm grieving the end, which is probably months away. I'm not good at goodbyes, I guess. Not with those I love "romantically" ... with whom I have a sensual-sexual and emotional-spiritual connection.

But I must say that your post got me to thinking "Maybe I can do this". But it is only a maybe at the moment.

I just sent him these words.

.


-- excerpt --

I care for and about you a lot. I find you immensely attractive, and just love cuddling and kissing with you. I'm at least a little in love with you. Probably more than a little. If we could never cuddle and kiss again, that would be something I'd have to grieve as a loss.

Still, I want us to be platonic friends if we are not sexy, kissy, cuddly friends. I always want us to be open to one another in a friend way, at least.

So please don't let my "confession" of love deter you from being my friend.

I've never had a cuddly kissy friend where there was a kind of deadline or expiration date for our connection. Knowing you intend to leave the region upon graduation caused me sadness -- and initially I was sure I'd have to withdraw from the kisses and cuddles to protect me against hurt upon your leaving. But I'm not sure that's a wise decision, and am open to seeing things in another possible light.

I'd say go for it, because there are so many what ifs to what might actually happen.

When my boyfriend and I first met, there was a tentative expiration of a year. Love had really hit us hard though, and there are no plans for him to move away at this time. Course, we are only six months in, and who knows if that will change once we settle in more. I hope not... he has enriched my life so much and caused me to grow as a person, that even if it does end in heart ache, I think it will have been worth it.

River said:

What would you do if you were in love with someone, and that someone let it be known that your time with him or her has a deadline or expiration date -- only (probably) a few months away? Would you continue with the exploration and sharing of kisses and naked cuddles ... knowing they'd all come to an abrupt end soonish? Would you continue to explore a "romantic" connection with him or her?

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Absolutely! Why deprive either one of us of sharing love just because it won't be forever? Savor it and send him off glowing, you will both be enriched by the experience.

River said:

I find myself in the position of wondering whether I should continue exploring an intimate, loving and sensual-sexual relationship with this man whom I love but whom I know intends to leave my city, state and region upon graduation from the local university. He's a senior, so that's not far off. Occasional letters, emails or phone conversations will not suffice as a surrogate for my favorite "love language," touch.

What would you do if you were in love with someone, and that someone let it be known that your time with him or her has a deadline or expiration date -- only (probably) a few months away? Would you continue with the exploration and sharing of kisses and naked cuddles ... knowing they'd all come to an abrupt end soonish? Would you continue to explore a "romantic" connection with him or her?

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I have lived in an international long distance relationship for more than 2 years. I live in Europe, he lives in Asia. My love language is also touch, so distance is hard for me. Skype and phone apps are our main way of staying in touch. I have visited him a lot, he visited me once (we had to get him a special visa just for that). We are looking into how he can come here to work. I never imagined myself commiting so strongly to him long distance, but 2900 miles away is nothing when you love someone.

I don't see why your relationship to him would have to end, unless you want it to end. As any relationship, you take it as far as your feelings takes you.

River said:

What would you do if you were in love with someone, and that someone let it be known that your time with him or her has a deadline or expiration date -- only (probably) a few months away? Would you continue with the exploration and sharing of kisses and naked cuddles ... knowing they'd all come to an abrupt end soonish? Would you continue to explore a "romantic" connection with him or her?

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Yes. I engaged in a relationship with a woman when I was studying abroad. We knew the relationship wouldn't last for more than four months, because I had to go home eventually. But there was so much chemistry there that we decided to let it happen and be what it would be.

It was hands-down one of the most beautiful relationships I've ever had. I treasure every moment of it, even though the breakup was hard and I often have what-if kinds of thoughts. The happiness I got out of that relationship far exceeds any sadness that the breakup caused. It was like we packed the largest possible amount of happiness into every moment, because we knew the moments were so finite. And because we knew the breakup was coming, we were able to prepare for it, which helped a lot.

Hope that helps, and good luck with your relationship, whether you decide to give it a try or not.

AutumnLeaves said:

Hope that helps, and good luck with your relationship, whether you decide to give it a try or not.

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I decided I was willing to allow whatever happened to unfold, and not to contract in fear around what may happen in the future. I then communicated this to him. He then let me know he preferred to keep our relationship platonic. I guess it wasn't much of a surprise, really -- even though we had already done a fair bit of cuddling and kissing.

I can't say I'm not disappointed in hearing that. But I can say I really do intend to be with this whole thing in a way which is most wholesome and nurturing to all involved.

Re (from River):

"What would you do if you were in love with someone, and that someone let it be known that your time with him or her has a deadline or expiration date -- only (probably) a few months away? Would you continue with the exploration and sharing of kisses and naked cuddles ... knowing they'd all come to an abrupt end soonish? Would you continue to explore a 'romantic' connection with him or her?"

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Yes, I would continue to explore a romantic connection with her. Kisses and naked cuddles and/or whatever she and I felt inclined to do. Life is short, with many missed opportunities for love and joy. Why miss another opportunity intentionally? Let me miss the woman like hell after she's gone. At least I'll know she and I made the most of the time that we had.

Sounds like the limits of your relationship have been defined. But, you know to make the most of whatever you have, right? At least that's what I would suggest.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks Kevin.

It feels like he's pulling away / back.... We always exchanged texts, emails or phone calls ... pretty much every day. Now the ball is in his court with regard to a reply. We did bump into one another at the coffee shop, and sat together. But it was slightly awkward. Not terribly awkward. But it was as if there were question marks swirling around about which we did not talk. At least for me there were.

The whole things feels sort of impossible at the moment. He appears to mistake my profession of love as asking him for something specific which he cannot provide. But I'm guessing all over the place.

The last thing I can do, or want to do, is appear to be needy or wanting toward him -- in any sense -- be it regards a platonic friendship or any other kind of connection. So all I can do, really, is let go. But I did send him a brief email saying that his friendship is important to me.

I've never been in a situation like this. I'm pretty lost about it all. I'm not all f-d up about it, really. Just lost a little, 'cause he's so precious to me -- be he a friend or whatever.

It was such an abrupt shift -- after the naked cuddling and sweet kisses. And I almost wonder if I regret those, as if I had crossed a line which I should not have. Or we should not have. But it was he who asked for the contact, not I. I would have contentedly slept beside him without touching.

Sounds like maybe he is pulling away because he is going to be moving away in a few months. Like he was asking the same question you were asking in this thread, only he decided romance should not be pursued under the circumstances.

Maybe. Just a wild guess on my part.

We're back in communication. He sent me a lovely, detailed email. Looks like our friendship is still on. It's very unlikely, however, that there will be any more cuddling/kissing.... I will miss these. But I can handle it. And I'd much, much rather have us as platonic friends than not have him around at all.

I have to learn how to be platonic friends with someone I'm likely always to be in love with--a person I've shared really hot kisses and cuddles with....

....

Giant snowflakes are blowing out my window as a write. When I imagine a heart so wide I can feel "myself" extending out into that white swirling, mysterious space outside the window and beyond. It is strangely warm out there, just as it is in here.

Norwegianpoly said:

I never imagined myself commiting so strongly to him long distance, but 2900 miles away is nothing when you love someone.

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Even if I had money enough for regular or frequent long distance travel (which would be via air, of course, as there are no sailing ships anymore, or hardly any ... and sailing is so slow), burning that much fossil fuel regularly isn't something I can justify in light of what's already happening with anthropogenic climage change.

I could reason that I'm just one person and my contribution to greenhouse gases would be almost negligible as a single person. But at least a billion, or several billion applying this same "reasoning" seems to be a problem.

River said:

We're back in communication. He sent me a lovely, detailed email. Looks like our friendship is still on. It's very unlikely, however, that there will be any more cuddling/kissing.... I will miss these. But I can handle it. And I'd much, much rather have us as platonic friends than not have him around at all.

I have to learn how to be platonic friends with someone I'm likely always to be in love with--a person I've shared really hot kisses and cuddles with....

....

Giant snowflakes are blowing out my window as a write. When I imagine a heart so wide I can feel "myself" extending out into that white swirling, mysterious space outside the window and beyond. It is strangely warm out there, just as it is in here.

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It is not easy. I tried that with Elle, at her request. She is always the one to initiate sex...and of course I let her

vinsanity0 said:

It is not easy. I tried that with Elle, at her request. She is always the one to initiate sex...and of course I let her

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Hmm. That's a bit odd.

But of course I was talking about a platonic friendship, which he said is what he would like to have with me. By definition, that means no sex.

Elle has said she wanted a platonic relationship and yet she initiates sex on multiple occasions? If so, I imagine that would be quite confusing.

River said:

Hmm. That's a bit odd.

But of course I was talking about a platonic friendship, which he said is what he would like to have with me. By definition, that means no sex.

Elle has said she wanted a platonic relationship and yet she initiates sex on multiple occasions? If so, I imagine that would be quite confusing.

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I just roll with it.

We love each other very much. She wanted a platonic friendship because she is not poly and I can't be monogamous. We both very much want to be in each other's lives in some capacity.

No matter how long we stay apart, those feelings come right back the moment we see each other. It seems we have settled into a FWB situation now.