nycsinger2000
New member
Thank you for taking such time and thought to answer all of this for me. A lot of this is very helpful and has helped me to understand that in not crazy. He has very little interest in making compromises for me. I've discovered that the biggest problem I have is that he wants to think of himself as single and not have a label attatched to our relationship. We were a monogamous couple for nearly 5 years. I've realized that I can be intimate with others and not feel bad but it bothers me that he is. At first I wondered if I was exhibiting a double standard. However I've realized that when he slept with someone it felt like he cheated because this was not only his choice but he refused to a acknowledge me as anything more than an ex or a friend even though the only thing that changed was that we live separately and can sleep with others. He was my boyfriend for 5 years and suddenly, he refused-to let anyone know we were together, like a secret. The whole time he was telling me "you're the one I love, you have my heart, isn't it enough that we know it?" No it's not enough for me, especially if he's intimate with someone more than once. I want a commitment, a label that expresses that I'm number one in his life and I want to meet anyone he's been continually intimate with. I can probably get over the sex part if I had that. I'd feel secure and loved. He couldn't give me a reason why he wouldn't give me that... I suspect he was concerned that some people wouldn't be interested if they knew he had a primary partner. A lot of this is about insecurity for him. When a few dates canceled on him he beat himself up saying he wasnt attractive, or sexy, or had lost his sex appeal. It's very obvious that in order to feel good about himself he has to get sexual attention and take it all the way. He told me that the man he slept with had very little in common with him and left him alone in a bed when they were finished( he's very affectionate and loves to cuddle). He told me he was surprised that someone he found that attractive was interested in him. When I later brought this up he denied that the physical side had much to do with the attraction when he had flat out told me.
During that time, he lied, manipulated, pressured me to be someone I'm not or do things in not comfortable with, has hit me on several occasions, destroyed property in fits of rage, and emotionally (and possibly physically cheated. Because I've always been a person who only considers monogamy, sex has always been at the forefront of my mind( the violence probably should have been). He made me feel inadequate in bed, he pushed me to bottom for him, which I'd never done and had no desire to do. He flat out told me that if I didn't do it he'd simply have to accept being miserable for life and when I did try he was frustrated and angry that it took me a while to get comfortable with it. He held out on me as a bottom because I wasn't able to do it often and so sex for several years became mostly foreplay. No matter what position I took he'd find something wrong. I'm not a porn star without a little guidance, it's true. In he beginning he loved suggesting positions and new things in bed but that eventually stopped and he began making me feel like I wasn't good in bed. I became so overly concerned about it that's couldn't perform well often. However thinking about it now I realize that none of my other partners had been dissatisfied. In he beginning of our relationship he was the most experienced and adventures person I'd ever been with and certainly the most exciting sex I'd ever had. He took it all away eventually. I told him several times that if he had suggested positions like he did in the beginning we could be having great sex again, and it did happen after we broke up and started sleeping together again.
I'm actually get confident with my body right now. I've lost a lot of weight and got in feast shape but I prefer to be lean. I have no interest in looking like the man he slept with. It bothers me that he looks like a man, an older man and my ex looks like a boy. There's something dominant about this that o guess does hit my ethics in addition to this mans family situation. It feels to me like he's being treated like a little boy being taken advantage of or dominated in a way that makes me feel very anxious. It also again, feels like he's cheating because he decided this and held his love over my head saying things like " I'll fall more in love with you than I've ever been if you can be polyamorous" he even said he would marry me which he knew was something i wanted for us. Wether or not a poly relationship could be right for me, it can't with him. He refuses to set knits that make me comfortable and was willing to risk losing me over it. After he slept with the other man with whom he'd been chatting for 2 weeks and had a dinner date, he told him that we had broken up and write friends, without telling him we were stil intimate and in love. He told me that he'd introduce me to him when he met the children but still wouldn't tell him that we were together. It was too much to handle. I told him that if he didn't want to lose me he'd have to acknowledge me as his primary partner, introduce me to anyone he's been intimate with more than twice, and be there to listen to me if I am feeling jealous or threatened without getting angry about it. He refused, things turned ugly and we're officially not planning on ever being in contact again. It's hard but I think it's best for me to get over him and take my time to discover what's best for me without pressure.
During that time, he lied, manipulated, pressured me to be someone I'm not or do things in not comfortable with, has hit me on several occasions, destroyed property in fits of rage, and emotionally (and possibly physically cheated. Because I've always been a person who only considers monogamy, sex has always been at the forefront of my mind( the violence probably should have been). He made me feel inadequate in bed, he pushed me to bottom for him, which I'd never done and had no desire to do. He flat out told me that if I didn't do it he'd simply have to accept being miserable for life and when I did try he was frustrated and angry that it took me a while to get comfortable with it. He held out on me as a bottom because I wasn't able to do it often and so sex for several years became mostly foreplay. No matter what position I took he'd find something wrong. I'm not a porn star without a little guidance, it's true. In he beginning he loved suggesting positions and new things in bed but that eventually stopped and he began making me feel like I wasn't good in bed. I became so overly concerned about it that's couldn't perform well often. However thinking about it now I realize that none of my other partners had been dissatisfied. In he beginning of our relationship he was the most experienced and adventures person I'd ever been with and certainly the most exciting sex I'd ever had. He took it all away eventually. I told him several times that if he had suggested positions like he did in the beginning we could be having great sex again, and it did happen after we broke up and started sleeping together again.
I'm actually get confident with my body right now. I've lost a lot of weight and got in feast shape but I prefer to be lean. I have no interest in looking like the man he slept with. It bothers me that he looks like a man, an older man and my ex looks like a boy. There's something dominant about this that o guess does hit my ethics in addition to this mans family situation. It feels to me like he's being treated like a little boy being taken advantage of or dominated in a way that makes me feel very anxious. It also again, feels like he's cheating because he decided this and held his love over my head saying things like " I'll fall more in love with you than I've ever been if you can be polyamorous" he even said he would marry me which he knew was something i wanted for us. Wether or not a poly relationship could be right for me, it can't with him. He refuses to set knits that make me comfortable and was willing to risk losing me over it. After he slept with the other man with whom he'd been chatting for 2 weeks and had a dinner date, he told him that we had broken up and write friends, without telling him we were stil intimate and in love. He told me that he'd introduce me to him when he met the children but still wouldn't tell him that we were together. It was too much to handle. I told him that if he didn't want to lose me he'd have to acknowledge me as his primary partner, introduce me to anyone he's been intimate with more than twice, and be there to listen to me if I am feeling jealous or threatened without getting angry about it. He refused, things turned ugly and we're officially not planning on ever being in contact again. It's hard but I think it's best for me to get over him and take my time to discover what's best for me without pressure.
