Tell me what you think...

If someone breaks up with you because they basically say the timing is wrong but they say they still love you and want to still be friends... But then they hardly make any effort to talk to you for the next month... Is it safe to conclude that they didn't really mean it when they said they still loved you? I know I have no right to expect anything from an ex. But I feel that if you love someone, you will naturally want to talk to them. So that leads me to the conclusion that someone who doesn't make any attempt to talk to me must not love me. Is that a fair conclusion? Or should I give them the benefit of the doubt and believe they told me the truth?

And yes, I know I should get over them. That's part of why I want to figure out if they really still love me or not. If I knew for sure they didn't, getting over them would be a lot easier, even though it would hurt.

Perhaps they just need some distance before moving on to the friend part. I've had to do that before. But I would work on the getting over them part either way.

Stop initiating communication, and you'll find out. If they stop contacting you, then they might not want to just be friends. And if they wait a long time to contact you, you'll be in a better place to decide whether YOU would like to be friends.

AutumnLeaves said:

Stop initiating communication, and you'll find out. If they stop contacting you, then they might not want to just be friends. And if they wait a long time to contact you, you'll be in a better place to decide whether YOU would like to be friends.

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That's fair, and probably good advice. Just hard to do when I miss them so much. Also, I worry that might be a bit like playing mind games, which I don't want to do...

People say all kinds of things after a breakup. I personally think the "timing was wrong" is a lost of horsecrap, unless you deal with mental health issues. There is never a right or wrong timing to be together, there is just now. If someone doesn't want the relationship, they simply don't want the relationship.

That being said, transitioning from romance to friendship is not easy. The ex and I used a few years before we were comfortable picking up the friendship. We could not have done it sooner, the feelings were too raw on either side.

Not initiating contact wouldn't be playing mind games. It would be you moving on from constantly worrying and wondering if they meant it when they said they wanted to be friends. It would only be mind games if you flat out said, "I'm not going to contact them because I want them to miss me so they'll contact me."

Hi KayleeFrye,

Re (from OP):

"If someone breaks up with you because they basically say the timing is wrong but they say they still love you and want to still be friends ... but then they hardly make any effort to talk to you for the next month ... is it safe to conclude that they didn't really mean it when they said they still loved you?"

Click to expand...

I wish I could just say yes and make things simpler, but the truth is some people just aren't good about keeping in contact, with anyone. Your (recent) ex may be depending on you to initiate all the contact. Doesn't mean you should fill that role, just means things could be more complex than, "They obviously don't love you."

Breakups are really painful, and you can't get over someone overnight. Be patient with yourself, and with the process, as patient as you can be. You feel what you feel in a situation like this.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

It could mean a lot of things. I think it's impossible to know if it REALLY meant "the timing was wrong" (which I agree can be a crap reason, but I also think that's usually an attempt at a "gentle" way to let someone down), or if it meant "this just isn't working out and I want to fade out of your life" or if it even meant "I really don't know what the hell I want out of life right now, and I don't want to drag anybody else into my whirlpool of 'wtf'ness, so though I love you, I need distance and time".

But like PPs said, give it some time, stop initiating contact, work on yourself, and healing yourself, and see where you are in a few months. See what you'd still like from that person, and if you haven't heard from them, then maybe reach other then and see how it goes.

Right now, it sounds like you are really sad and hurting and scrabbling for any meaning that will make it hurt less. And chances are good that the only thing that will REALLY make it hurt less is time.

(((hugs)))

Some people have a difficult time breaking hard news and they try to soften the blow by telling the recipient what they think that person wants to hear. Unfortunately telling someone a lie to spare their feelings can often result in causing them more pain because eventually the truth will reveal itself in some form.

Your best course of action is to mourn the relationship and prepare yourself that this was the end of it. By doing this you will give yourself the chance to move on and stop waiting around. However, if you were told the truth and he does reemerge into your life you can approach the relationship with a fresh perspective unclouded by your current feelings of love and rejection.

I think timing actually does matter, especially when you're poly. Love may be unlimited, but time and resources aren't. I've had times in my life where I could devote the time and resources to an extra partner, and I've had things shift, and take the time and resources away.

Of course, bad timing also means there is something with a higher priority taking up the time and resources, like a primary relationship (or coparenting/cohousing relationship) in distress, or career, or art/activism/other passion. It can bruise the ego, to find out what explicitly takes higher priority, but it's realistic to accept that it's a part of life-- you won't always be the most supremely important entity in your poly lover's life.

But that's addressed to the comments. To the OP, it's normal to take a break when downshifting from romance to friendship, especially if you aren't big on intensive processing. Check back in, in six months.