Being the Newbie to a poly couple- long distance

This also stood out to me. If you want your own room, or to sleep at your nearby friend's place, do it! Even if they think they don't want space from you, if YOU feel you need some space, take it!

I see that you're struggling mightily with feeling second class, and with feeling you have less power and control than you'd like. Since they are closeted as poly, you avoid PDAs in public. You concede to their wishes without consulting your own wishes enough.

Also, dating a couple is complicated because you are in new relationship with 2 people at once. Almost like if you started dating 2 people who were not a couple. Say you started dating 2 others, John and Mary. You'd need to figure out how you feel about each, what their style is, their tastes, their level of commitment and feelings for you, etc etc. That is hard enough, and a big demand on your emotions and time.

But in this case, these 2 people are also in relationship with each other. And closeted to boot. So you're in the middle of THEIR relationship dynamic, while also negotiating a dynamic with each of them individually.

I'd never date a couple. It just sounds so hard! Especially if the said couple aren't real good at doing monogamy between them, much less bringing a "third" into the mix.

It has definitely been hard entering into a poly relationship with a closeted couple. First off I've always been monagamous and straight so it's a very hard concept for me to grasp. For my woman I sent her flowers as a surprise for her birthday to her work and then instantly I regretted thinking I might make her feel uncomfortable. She said she loved them but I have a hard time trusting in general. I wanted so badly to love them both but honestly I felt emotionally I would never be satisfied with the husband because i didn't imagine he could give me what I needed. I love her but maybe because we are girlfriends too? I've read so many different posts and I am trying to just live in the moment. Is it bad if you just want to have fun sexually and not worry about defining the relationship? There is a part of me that feels like maybe I didn't give it a chance and another part that says its just not for me. We never really talked about anything specific. So if you were having a conversation for the first time what questions should you ask and explore?

Not sure. "What kind of relationships do we have? What kind of relationships do we want to have?" I suppose it depends on what you want to know.

When starting a poly relationship do you have this conversation or should it just evolve without ever talking about it? When we started they just said no expectations..

I suppose "no expectations" is fine in the beginning ... almost a relationship anarchist model if you will.

Pitagal said:

When starting a poly relationship do you have this conversation or should it just evolve without ever talking about it? When we started they just said no expectations..

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It's exactly the same as if you were dating one person. Talk about it if you want. Direct honest communication is best. If you feel a certain way about one, and a different way about another, that is normal! They aren't clones of each other. You don't have to be a part of a triad to be poly. If you want to break it off with the guy, do it. If they insist on only dating you if you feel the same way about each of them , they are naive, insecure and unrealistic.

Update- confused and thinking it's over...

Well the weekend Vegas came and went. I had an amazing time. I appreciate everything they did for me but I believe it is truly over. The first day they changed hotels and when we were checking in I stayed back until they were done. We got a suite so there were two beds if anyone didn't feel comfortable. I had made up my mind that I wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with. The first day we walked around and got manis and pedis. We went to day one of the concert and it was them as a couple and me as the third person. I ended up dancing and chatting with other people. I have to say I felt very excluded and was told not to let anyone know that we were together. I don't know it just didn't feel right at all. He tried to include me whenever he could. He would touch my arm or shoulder. And then it was obvious she was in charge and again they are the primary couple so I can understand them wanting to spend time together. I just know that by the third day they made plans to go visit some friends for dinner which I was not invited to and then met up with them at the club later which as soon as I got there they decided to leave. I chose to stay. And then I had an early flight in the morning so I packed as soon as I got back because they decided to go eat at 3 am and by the time they got back it was time for me to leave. So I said goodbye and texted then that I got home safe and haven't heard from either of them since. So somehow I upset them.. Not sure how but I guess I just am not cut out for the poly life..

I wouldn't say it's not "the poly life" you're cut out for. I'd say you're not cut out for being treated like an extra, inconvenient appendage that is only useful when it suits them. No matter how much affection you feel for one or the other of them, the fact remains that they are operating out of couple privilege and applying a hierarchy to their dynamic with you, and because of that -- and their own insecurities -- treated you rudely and with disrespect. Poly doesn't have to be like that. In any relationship, whether poly or mono, a person should feel respected, valued, and like they matter to the other(s). You should also know that you have a voice and will be heard. But I don't think they will change their approach to a more compassionate, egalitarian form of poly. Unfortunately.

All along, you've given them the power to call all the shots in this arrangement. I'd say that now is the time to take your power back and speak up. You are the only one who can say, "I don't appreciate the way you treated me and will not stand for that anymore," or "this isn't working for me, so I'm done." If I were you, I'd definitely assert myself and end it before they do, in order to make it very clear that you will not let them jerk you around anymore. You're worth a lot more than what you can expect from those two. There are plenty of kind, loving, respectful poly people out there, you don't need to feel stuck with them!

I'm truly sorry you had a bad time. It sounds like the couple you were dating simply weren't treating you very well. Simply because they are the "primary couple," that their relationship with each other existed before their relationships with you, does not give them the right to minimize or disrespect you. I agree with nycindie that there seems like there was a whole, whole lot of couple privilege going on.

I would end it with them and look for someone who is going to treat you with more respect. You deserve better than to be treated like a dirty secret and to have no input in YOUR vacation plans. It sounds like the wife is quite possessive and I'm not sure the husband is strong enough to stand up to her for you. I'm not sure that, if I was in your shoes, I'd invest the energy into finding out. I'd just move on.

Re (from Pitagal):

"So somehow I upset them ..."

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I can't imagine how. It sounds to me like you were doing everything they told you to do, while they, honestly, treated you like crap.

What will you do?

I totally agree with nycindie. It sounds more like your couple might not be cut out for poly. You seem to know what you want. You might want to work on voicing your feelings more. Poly is no different from mono in the sense that sometimes relationships just don't work out. Sorry it didn't work out, but it doesn't look to me like that was your fault.