New relationship confusion... need advice.

Hello, my name is Tsuki, and I am in a relationship with a Polyamorous partner. I wouldn't consider MYSELF polyamorous and I think that is part of the problem I face.

Let me start with some general information about our relationship to better clarify the situation. I am a 37 yo trans woman, and I have always been fairly monogamous, with the exception of the one time I dabbled in a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship. My partner is 22, is polyamorous and was already in a relationship with 2 others before we ever began seeing each other. She lives with one, and visits the other on occasion. We have been going out for a little over a month, and we also work together. Let's call her Missy for the sake of clarity.

So Missy and I have been on about 4ish dates and each one was amazing and fun. We were texting each other pretty much constantly and fell into deep infatuation with each other in no time. I would see Missy a few times a week during work and we would flirt and have fun together when people weren't watching, and it was wonderful. We began to fall head over heels for each other and it was great, up until about a week ago.

I tried to make time to see her and she turned me down to go on a date with someone else that we work with... at first I was totally cool with it, but it began to gnaw on me after a couple of days. A few days later I asked if she wanted to make time with me next week, and she told me that she was busy, and she needed some personal time. I was disappointed but I shrugged it off and went about my day without incident. I texted her a couple of times to tell her that I miss her face... and she didn't respond. I waited a couple of days and texted her again, and nothing but basically a 'hey'.

The next time I saw Missy at work I asked if things were okay, she told me she was sleepy and everything was fine. We hugged and that was the last time I saw her about 3 days ago. Today I texted her to find out if she is available next weekend and she told me that she was trying to set up time to go out with someone she met online. It's been over 2 weeks since the last time we went out and I felt like everything was going so wonderfully, and we were really hot and heavy over the last month... but now she rarely texts, doesn't try to find time to be with me, and seems to be trying hard to search for other partners.

On one hand, I was totally fine with Missy's other two relationships, and I even met the one she lives with and he is a really sweet guy and we get along great. On the other hand, it feels like she is pursuing new relationships because she is dissatisfied with me and I can't help but feel a little hurt. I try to put it in perspective and I try to keep an open mind, but having NEVER been in a relationship with a Polyamorous person before, it's a really unusual situation and I am struggling with it.

Here is what I would like to know more about:
1. Is this pretty normal behavior for a polyamorous person?
2. Do you think that I am reading too much into it, and I should just relax more?
3. Am I just being dumped and I am too stupid to see it?
4. Should I fight for more attention from her, or would that make things worse?
5. Should I confront her with my feelings and just hope for the best?
6. Am I just being a total spaz?
7. What would be the best course of action to take in your opinion?

Thank you for your time, I appreciate any help I might receive on this matter.

Eh, it kinda sounds like you're being dumped.

Imagine if she was mono and giving you the same signals (avoidance and disinterest), would you still be wondering? Maybe someone else will chime in and say otherwise/give where to go from here, but that is my take on it.

LillyFM said:

Eh, it kinda sounds like you're being dumped.

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I second this. It sounds like you are being dumped in a not so nice way, too. Feel sorry for you

I am polyamorous myself and my most recent relationship is about one month old. I am head over heels in love with him and have organized a specific date night every week with him. Also, I am not open for any new relationships at this point of time, and not going on dates with any new people. Not saying that my way is a "normal" way to do poly, but Missy definitely sounds like she lost interest in you.

Sadly I think the other's are right: this sounds more like someone trying to clumsily pull off a slow fade away, than someone genuinely struggling to find time to fit in another date. Maybe she has realised she cares for you as a friend and is struggling to convey that she doesn't see a romantic future with you? Or perhaps she otherwise fears you might take rejection badly? I can't say, but it sounds like the lack of clarity about her intentions is bringing you down, and understandably so. You might need to be proactive here, thank her for the nice dates, let her know the ball is in her court whether she wants something more than friendship with you, and then gracefully back away and look for other lovers elsewhere. I wish you all the best!

Yeaaaaah... I was sorta leaning that direction myself. I just thought some different perspectives would help make it more transparent for me. I really appreciate the quick responses. If anyone else has anything further, I don't mind additional input, but tbh, I am going to wait about a week and see if anything changes. If not, then I will most likely take your advice and give her room to walk away clean.

Ya know, it's a real bummer too. I consider myself an aromantic asexual, and have been every since I began hormone therapy. I have literally had NO interest in relationships beyond casual friendship for the last 2 years, but there was something special about her that made me give it a shot. *Shrugs with a laugh* Meh, seems like I might be going back to being aromantic.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I can't think of any situation in which getting dumped isn't a real bummer.

I agree with everyone else. There are so many red flags there. The main one is that she's trying to start new relationships (to the detriment of your existing relationship) when she's supposedly head over heels with you. That isn't giving your relationship any time or room to grow and develop. Even if she isn't soft-dumping you, and even if some time during the week she contacts you and asks if you want to go out on another date... you should strongly consider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone engaging in that kind of behavior. It sounds like it makes you very unhappy.

Hi Tsuki,

Re (from OP):

"Is this pretty normal behavior for a polyamorous person?"

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Honestly there's enough variety among poly folk that no "normal" standard exists. Some polyamorists are stand-up guys. Some are jerks. And everything in between.

Re:

"Do you think that I am reading too much into it, and I should just relax more?"

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Well you might as well relax, because there's not much you can do about it. But that doesn't mean you're reading too much into it.

Re:

"Am I just being dumped and I am too stupid to see it?"

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I am thinking that Missy is reluctant to think of it as a breakup ... even if that's what it is. (I think that's what it is.)

Re:

"Should I fight for more attention from her, or would that make things worse?"

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I think that would be passive-aggressive. If you want more attention from her, just ask her for it, simple and direct.

Re:

"Should I confront her with my feelings and just hope for the best?"

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Hope for the best and plan for the worst? I don't know. It's fine to let her know how you feel, though you don't need to be confrontational about it.

Re:

"Am I just being a total spaz?"

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Quite the contrary, your post here at least is remarkably calm, all things considered.

Re:

"What would be the best course of action to take in your opinion?"

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I'd pretty much sit down with Missy and ask, "Are we breaking up? Should we break up? Do you want to break up?" If Missy says, "No," then follow up with, "I need more dates and more contact with you. Would that be possible?" If Missy says, "No," well, then, maybe that's when you say, "I think we're breaking up." And stick to that. Don't stay together just because Missy desperately meets your requests when she doesn't really want to.

I know that sounds kind of harsh. Personally, I don't think Missy's treating you right.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

To me this is not poly stuff. This is emotional maturity stuff.

I think your plan of (giving it another week and if nothing happens just ending it yourself "clean" so you can have the closure) is the right way to go. The 22 year old sounds like she's "ghosting" on you rather than doing a respectful, clean, honest break up. Seems like poor behavior to me. But people mature emotionally and figure that stuff out at their own speed. She's not there yet.

You don't have to go all the way to aromantic if what you really want is connection. One dating partner behaving poorly doesn't mean ALL dating partners behave this way. It's just the nature of dating -- not everyone you share some dates with is going to be at the same place as you or even be long haul runner.

I'm sorry though -- it's not fun to be treated this way.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

You all seem like a group of really awesome people... makes me wish I was Poly just so I would have a reason to stick around, in the event that Missy and I do break up.

I have been Aromantic for 2 years. It's the hormone therapy. My sex drive is all but vanished, I haven't wanted sex, or even 'solo-sex' in pretty much that entire time. When once, my drive was like Gilbert Gottfried screaming into a bullhorn... now it's more like a tiny ant crawling across my desk... hardly noticeable at all, and easily dismissed. The thing about Missy that I liked so much was her youth, and her immaturity, and her playful goofy "don't give a crap" attitude... It lit a little flame in my heart that just kept getting bigger the more we spent time together. I really do hope that it's just a misunderstanding and that we can get this journey back underway. She can be silly and childish, but it makes me feel young and energized and happy when we are together. So in the end, my hope is that we stay together.
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I guess we will wait a week and see.

Thank you all again for your super insightful advice. I shall take it to heart and push forward with 'the plan' and see where we end up. I will keep you updated. Talk to you soon.

As far as I am concerned, you're welcome to stick around regardless of whether you're poly. And regardless of whether Missy is still around. (Though I hope she will be around.) Your story helps many people!

Small update:
So I contacted Missy today whilst I was at work, during my break. I asked if she had time to get together on Friday morning since we were both off. I will admit that I was braced and fully expecting her to tell me that she had other plans...

I was mistaken... thankfully.

Missy shared with me that the fellah from the internet that she was going out with... was just an acquaintance from another state, and he was going to be in town only this once, so she wanted to meet him in person. He got in town a couple days early, so they hung out today. She said it in such a way as to suggest that it was just a get together, nothing more. Missy then told me that she has missed me, and was looking forward to seeing me on Friday. I nearly cried happy tears of relief. I am still planning on having a good discussion about my feelings, and how lack of communication has caused me stress. I realize I am not well versed in 'Poly-tics', as it were (sorta proud of that pun), and so I sometimes feel like I am over-reacting and jumping to the worst conclusions. I think a good sit-down discussion will help me find a good balance with Missy, and I hope that our relationship can grow from there.

Once again, thank you all for listening and for your assistance in this matter. I will probably continue to post updates here as things progress, or if any other concerns pop-up. Thank you all again.

Glad things are looking up. It's hard dating someone who has several relationships going. It really helps when they are communicative.

That's good news, Tsuki.

Greetings all, just thought I would drop an update.

Today was the big get together for Missy and I. I showed up at 9am, walked through the front door... and her roommates girlfriend comes walking out of the bedroom in her bathrobe. There is a moment of awkward silence, then Missy comes out of the other bedroom with a slight grin on her face and says, "Yeah, I didn't know she was here... sorry 'bout that". Missy and I go into her room and sit down on the bed, and she smiles really big and hands me a stuffed panda bear. She knows that I am deeply in love with panda bears and she spent the little money she had, on a gift for me. I was really moved by that, and I admittedly was a little teary eyed. The roommates girlfriend... lets call her "Mika" for the sake of clarity... comes in with a few drinks and drags us out of her bedroom with a, "Don't just hide in here, come out and be social!".

So we spent the day together on the couch, cuddling and teasing, and trying to share some moments together. I gave her as much special attention as I could with Mika sitting on the other couch, trying desperately to keep the attention focused on her. I honestly wasn't sure why Mika was so adamant about being in control of our day together, but she didn't relent, and seemed quite insulted when we focused our attention on each other, instead of her. Missy and I had made arrangements to be together after over 2 weeks of not seeing each other, and Mika wouldn't give us a scrap of privacy because she didn't want to be alone. It was really frustrating and both Missy and I were doing our best to make the most of our time together despite her interference.

We did end up having a lovely morning together, and having Mika there wasn't really bad, but it was... inconvenient. I wanted very much to sit down with Missy in private and discuss my feelings, and how concerned I was about the lack of communication between us... and how stressful it was. I wanted to hear what she had to say, and open up a dialogue between us to better understand where she was coming from. I wanted to hopefully come to a resolution and move on, more prepared for the future... instead I watched anime vines, and music videos, and terrible "let's plays" that Mika wanted us to watch with her.

When I had to leave to go attend to my families needs, we sat at the door together for long moments, communicating with our body language and facial expressions... we kissed and said our good-byes, and I left. It's obvious she still cares about me, and the time we spent together wasn't without it's moments of mutual affection. She made it clear that she wasn't bored of me with every kiss, every touch, every time she reached for my hand, or ran her fingers through my hair. I have been dumped before, and Missy certainly did not exhibit the type of behaviors that come with someone who doesn't want me in their life. So it seems the mystery has been unofficially solved... it was clear to me that she isn't trying to pull away... but it's still unclear as to why she has seemed distant the last 2 weeks.

I guess that will have to wait for next time.

I'm glad to hear that things went well, but I'm sorry that things didn't go well with her roommate's girlfriend! What a tool. You're both nicer people than I am, because I would've been pretty firm with her about how her company wasn't wanted. I hope you get an opportunity to have that conversation soon.

As an aside, your name always reminds me of Hiru no Tsuki (the closing song for Outlaw Star) that was one of my favorite songs for a very long time when I was a girl.

Anyway, good luck!

I've never seen Outlaw Star, but I listened to the song, and I find it to be a lovely sweet little tune. If you didn't already know, "Tsuki" in Japanese means 'moon' or 'month' depending on the context. "Hiru" is 'noon', or just simply 'daytime'. "no" is used to show possession or association. "Hiru no Tsuki" is (most likely) Daytime Moon... but "Noon Moon" is more fun to say

I love the moon, and honestly the name I chose when I transitioned is directly tied to the moon. I had it legally changed and everyone says it suits me. The moon, and celestial bodies, and the far reaches of the known universe fascinate me to no end... but the moon was our closest heavenly neighbor, and she watches over us like a doting mother, and so I feel very connected with her. So of course the name I chose for this board reflects 2 of my favorite things, astronomy and Japanese.

I was afraid I was coming off a little bitchy, when describing the situation, but it sounds like I am not alone on my analysis. Mika was indeed behaving poorly. Thank you for your take on it, that makes me feel better about being angry with her. I thought I was being oversensitive again. Thank you for helping me clarify that.

Tsuki said:

I was afraid I was coming off a little bitchy, when describing the situation, but it sounds like I am not alone on my analysis. Mika was indeed behaving poorly. Thank you for your take on it, that makes me feel better about being angry with her. I thought I was being oversensitive again. Thank you for helping me clarify that.

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She sounds like the roommate from Hell.

Why didnt you two just go back to the bedroom, or go out? There's never a need to hang out with a roommate when you're supposed to be on a date!

BTW, I know some transwomen are happy when their sex drive drops... since having the testosterone fueled sex drive of a "man" can be very annoying. My gf is a transwoman and I have a lot of trans friends. (I am a genderqueer cis woman.)

Are you fine with the near non existent sex drive? Is there any tinkering you can do with your doc to get some drive back, just enough to be fun but not overwhelming? Lots of my t-woman friends have good sex drives.

You are indeed correct, we could have gone out... however it was pretty early in the morning and Missy was in her pajamas, and not really in the mood to go anywhere. She had just closed the night before at work. I suppose we could have gone to the bedroom, but pretty much from the beginning, she made it abundantly clear that she would be pestering us like a lonely child the entire time. Funny enough, Missy and I had originally planned to just nap together for the first hour or so together, since she did close. I was all for that, because any time I get to spend cuddled with her, is time well spent.

I must admit, you're quite knowledgeable, and you do your trans friends proud. I could probably talk to my doctor about my drive, and I probably could do something about it, but to be 100% honest... I don't miss it at all. My sex drive was like a fly, constantly landing on my face and buzzing around my head, I couldn't concentrate or even live a normal life because of how tremendously demanding it was of me. I spent 15 years of my life learning how to draw gorgeous naked women, just because it was a way of channeling all those hormones into something constructive. If I were to be completely honest, I haven't 'solo-ed' in months... probably longer. I really can't remember, it's been so long. I am completely satisfied with living life for me and what I enjoy, as opposed to living life to fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck... and pausing only to eat and sleep. The worse part about that hormone fueled roid rage, is that I wasn't even particularly good at intercourse, I could never finish... I wasn't bad at foreplay though, and I did enjoy that... and I still do.

Missy once asked me, "If you ever want to explore sex again, I would be happy to go on that journey with you". She always says such sweet things to me. When we discussed our relationship expectations (what we wanted from each other/rules/ect...) She was taken aback when I told her that I wasn't interested in receiving any genital stimulation whatsoever, and quite frankly if I never remove my panties, I am perfectly satisfied with that. She told me that she has never been in a relationship and not given her body over to her partner for intercourse. Missy explained that she receives so much pleasure from her partners, that the only pleasure she knows how to reciprocate is allowing her partners to do with her what they will (she is a sub down to her bones). I was a little surprised to hear that, but happy to be the first that didn't require her to submit to someones whims. Instead we explore one another and I think it gives her an opportunity to really relax and just get to know herself and what she likes beyond the norm. She has found some amazing places, nowhere near my waist, that can send shivers through me like an earthquake.
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Wow, Um, I meant for that to be a quick response... and I just realized I wrote a short story LOL, sorry about that.

Yeah, TL;DR, Nope, I am happy being asexual... the aromantic part however is definitely fading fast. I am really enjoying our time together, and the romantic aspects are certainly a lovely refreshing change.