The poly problems.

So for the last few weeks my girlfriend(20) and I(m/20) have been discussing polyamory and if it might be right for us. But last night I worded things wrong and accidentally hurt her feelings. She is under the impression that I think she's interested in this for shallow means and it definitely is not the case. I know that she is just as interested in the idea of deep emotional connection with more than one person as I am. But last night she told me she's only going to be with me... After a while of talking this out, I feel she still wants to go through with this, I just don't know how to smooth out my stupid stupid mistake. You don't spend weeks thinking about turning your relationship into a triad and just up and flip the switch, how do I open up a real dialogue and find out what she really wants?

You are young and have barely discussed the matter. It takes time to find out how things can be done.

Hi Vendividiamavi,

Sorry to say I don't have any specific ideas on how to open up a real dialogue and find out what your girlfriend really wants. I suppose you ask her some questions, listen carefully to her answers, then repeat back what she said in your own words to make sure you're understanding right. Productive communication is an art and a science, and takes more than a lifetime to learn.

Can you give us more details on the conversation you had with her where her feelings got hurt? What was said on both sides? Maybe with more info I can think of more ideas to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Well I was doing an introduction on this forum and I wrote it in a way that when she read it, she interpreted it as me seeing her as a shallow person. This is definitely not the case, I know she she's this all on an intellectual level. The real problem is that she out of the blue told me she changed her mind and won't go into any further detail. If monogomy is the right thing for her, then I will stay faithful and monogamous. But now that I have explored the possibility of polyamory, it will be weird to revert to monogomy if that is what she wants. All I'm trying to accomplish is to let everyone be their own person and do what makes them happy

She's allowed to change her mind and withdraw her willingness and consent to participate in something Just like you would be allowed to change yours.

To me it sounds like you are trying to process your disappointment in that she won't be joining you in exploring poly.

But now that I have explored the possibility of polyamory, it will be weird to revert to monogomy if that is what she wants.

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Is monogamy what YOU want?

All I'm trying to accomplish is to let everyone be their own person and do what makes them happy

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If you do not want monogamy, then you going along with it just to be with her could set you up for problems and resentments down the road.

Is it that you want polyamory? You could part ways if you both do not want the same thing.

• Then she can be her own person and be happy seeking a dating partner who wants monogamy like she does.
• And you can be your own person and be happy seeking a dating partner who wants poly like you do.

Galagirl

Well its not disappointment, its that I feel it's her worrying what I think about her, I used the wrong choice of words is all and she thinks I see her as something she's not. And first and foremost I love this woman, that's why I would be fine with monogomy. I know she's allowed to change her mind but its the fact that didnt feel like she was really changing her mind she was just worried I saw her as a shallow person. I want to help make her see that her feelings and wants matter, she immediately tried to brush this whole thing off as nothing but I obviously hurt her feelings

Just talk to her and let her know you didn't mean it the way she thought you did. If there is a misunderstanding between two of you and you can't even approach her and clear it up, which is a very simple thing to do, then I'd say there isn't much hope for being able to handle and manage the complexities that polyamory would bring in your lives. People need to be able to talk to each other directly and say what is on their minds in any relationship, mono or poly.

However, if she wants monogamy, she wants monogamy.

You should realize that any discussion about this kind of change in a relationship dynamic tends to ebb and flow -- you've only been thinking about it and discussing it for a few weeks. That is no time at all, especially when you are broaching the subject of a major change in lifestyle. Talking about it too much when your partner has said no can come across as bullying or harping on the issue. So, give the talk a rest and be patient. Smart couples take a year or more of discussing it before even considering acting on it.

Hi Vendividiamavi,

It sounds like this is something she is reluctant to talk about. What about a counselor, would she be willing to talk to a counselor?

From what you are saying, I gather that she has changed her mind about being poly, and perhaps you're thinking that's because her feelings were hurt.

I reviewed your intro post and have to say I'm perplexed. I can't find anything in there that makes it sound like she's a shallow person. Is there something I'm missing?

It was more the fact that to her, it looked like I said " my girlfriend is physically attracted to people but I'm more interested in the brains" which isn't true, she is one of the most loving and caring people I know. I understand in retrospect where she is coming from but my biggest concern is how much others opinions of her do tend to outweigh what she wants for herself. She willingly puts herself in situations she hates for the ones she loves. Her eyes lit up over polyamory, and I don't want her to willingly not do it because she's afraid of persecution

I read the intro too. I'm going to go out on a limb, and assume that she took exception to your last couple of lines...

"I feel a larger draw towards the emotional aspect, since monogomy makes you feel "wrong" for breaking down certain barriers with more than one person at a time. Now when I find someone interesting I can actually persue a deeper connection and find out how they tick"

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it looks like she took those words as though you don't see your relationship with her as having a deep emotional connection, and that she's concerned that you'll find someone you click better with on a "deeper" level than you do with her.

Ultimately, she's allowed to want monogamy, and you're allowed to want polyamory. Both of you really need to make sure communication is where it needs to be before perusing it though. But give it time... It's a complicated thing, and not a decision to be made lightly. If it takes 6 months, 1 year, or 5 years, then so be it. Because there's no going back once it's done.

Hi Vendi

So, you're thinking she does want polyamory, but is saying she doesn't because she's afraid of what people will think of her?

Thank you for clarifying that you are actually ok with monogamy. I thought this was one of those things were you want poly and she wants mono and you both are bumping heads over it.

Let me repeat that back to you to make sure I got it right this time, ok? You correct me if I got anything wrong.

She read your introduction. She took offense where none was meant. She thinks that you were calling her shallow. So now she doesn't want to go there. And chooses monogamy.

You changed the intro -- the part she took offense to.

You are ok with monogamy or exploring poly.

You just don't believe her that she is picking monogamy because she wants monogamy. You think she is picking monogamy because she's afraid you think she is shallow for wanting to explore poly. You want her to know you do not think she's shallow. You seem to have told her that already.

She doesn't want to talk about it any more. So... you are not reassured that she doesn't think you think she's shallow.

​

Is that it?

If so?

Is it that you are anxious because you want her to reassure you that she doesn't think you think she is shallow any more? You could accept she isn't going to reassure you right now because she has to focus on doing her self care first. You could let that want go and reassure yourself instead.

And you cannot have a conversation with someone who doesn't want to talk right now. Bringing it up over and over is putting the pot of boiling water back on the burner. It's not letting either of you cool down. YKWIM?

Could stop talking about it. Then you could reassure yourself that you have done all you can for now.

• You have done what you can in changing the post
• You have told her you don't think she is shallow.
• You have told her you love her and you are ok with monogamy.

She can choose to believe you or choose to hang on to her upset. That's her choice.

Could also step back from it a bit. Don't take her upset feelings on board for yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

If she took offense where none was meant, she needs to learn that skill: To not take things personally. To ask clarifying questions first. Like "I read your post. Could you be willing to clarify? When you said X... were you calling me shallow?"

If you are getting upset watching her upset herself -- you may need to learn THAT skill. To give her the time/space she needs to sort herself out but NOT take her upset feelings on board for yourself. You can't RUSH her through her process or into learning a new skill.

To me this doesn't sound like a polyamory problem per se. It sounds more like emotional management skills. Which in your early 20's -- sounds about the right time for learning them to me.

my biggest concern is how much others opinions of her do tend to outweigh what she wants for herself. She willingly puts herself in situations she hates for the ones she loves.

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That is something else she could learn then. To have better boundaries and not put herself in the line of fire. Her doing some self-neglect and self-abuse to herself does not "prove how much I love my loved one."

She could learn not go off into trying to make other people happy by throwing herself under the bus. That's... messed up. She could learn to express how much she loves her loved ones in ways that do not hurt her.

Her eyes lit up over polyamory, and I don't want her to willingly not do it because she's afraid of persecution

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I see that. But you are not the boss of her choices. She is.

She is allowed to not do something because it scares her. And take time to decide if that's a fear she wants to work through or not.

CONCLUSION

So maybe it is a case of "def interested, maybe willing, but not sure if actually able yet in all my skills" right now for each of you? Just that you have different skill areas to improve?

Since you are ok going back to monogamy or Closed... you could return to that if you want. Be ok with it being weird for you as you give her time/space to sort herself out. But do give her time and space to process. Later down the road if both of you want to talk about how to Open again... you can talk again at THAT point in time.

Right now though? It sounds best to let it go for now with her. You can read things on your own... but right now give her some space to do her self care. Especially since she tends to neglect that.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
https://www.morethantwo.com

HTH!
Galagirl