I have been in a long distance Dom/sub poly relationship for several years. I deeply care for both of the people in our relationship, however, I have always felt intentionally excluded by my Dom. A year into our relationship one of the girls moved in with him and I am happy that he has her with him, but the moment she took that step he ranked us. She has become the love of his life and "alpha" in the relationship (his words). He affords her many privileges that he says are exclusively hers. I understand that she is in his home and I am not, however, sometimes I feel like he tries to make me feel less than and excluded by constantly giving me reminders that I am not her. I love him dearly and I love her as well. I am generally happy in the relationship, but these little reminders are painful to swallow. Am I within my right to feel this way?
Feeling excluded in poly relationship
- Thread starter polypet
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Inyourendo
New member
well he certainly shouldn't make you feel that way intentionally. have you talked to him about it? i think the fact that she lives with him and you are long distance definitely makes being fair harder.
It sounds like he's setting the pecking order. No one wants to feel like they're on the bottom of the ladder. You should speak to them (him?) and express your feelings.
He is setting the pecking order, however, I know I am not at the bottom as he has other girls as well and he has made it clear I am number 2. I do not expect to be at the top as that is not possible and his live-in deserves that position, he just tends to remind me of my position more than needed and it feels like he rubs it in my face that I do not deserve to be awarded privileges.
sparklepop
New member
Hi polypet,
I can completely understand why your situation is upsetting for you.
I'm interested to understand more. Under what circumstances does it get rubbed in your face? What brings it up? What kind of things are said?
I can completely understand why your situation is upsetting for you.
I'm interested to understand more. Under what circumstances does it get rubbed in your face? What brings it up? What kind of things are said?
Sounds like everyone is playing their DOM/SUB role in this one.
whoa, whoa, whoa
I just want to make sure that you're clear that that isn't a fact or anything. You don't "deserve" to be #1 because you live together. If I (or Jon) fell in love with someone who was severely allergic to cats (Jon and I have four), chances are that our severely-allergic love could never share our home. But not sharing our home wouldn't necessarily make that person secondary.
If your Dom decides that this other partner is #1 for any reason, that's between them (and you, to the extent that it affects you and could cause you to reconsider your feelings), but there's no "rule" that live-ins always deserve to be #1.
I'd also like to chime in with the PPs - in what ways is the brought up to you that is unpleasant? Have you talked to you Dom? Are you sure you're OK with the dynamic that you have, and that it is worth the pain?
I respect and love them both, and I know they both care deeply for me. When we met she did not live with him, but she took a big risk and uprooted her life to be with him. For that giant display I can understand that she stole his heart in a way that no other woman can.
We speak daily, but the distance does make it difficult for us to create a bond that is similar. I think at this point he will always love her more than anyone else in his life.
With that said, when we are discussing relationships he will make comments such as "you are second to none except her" or as our relationship has changed I lost sight of what to call him, the only fitting name for our relationship would be Daddy as he is a daddy dom type, but he will not allow that because that term is exclusively hers to call him.
I am content in the relationship in most ways, and I would not want to risk it over this issue. This is why we have not discussed it because he would consider my bringing it up as an affront to her.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
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IndieSolo
Active member
Well, that would be ridiculously unreasonable of him to take it as an affront to her. As I understand it, the role of the Dom is to do everything that they can in their position to benefit the Sub. The Sub's needs are the whole reason there *is* a Dom in the picture! Therefore, you have every right to express dissatisfaction with any part of how he is Domming you and to renegotiate your contract/agreement with him. If you don't feel welcome to do that, why have a Dom at all?
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Hi polypet,
Re (from OP):
Of course. I know next to nothing about BDSM, but I wonder if he is hurting you on purpose as a part of the power dynamic? Maybe he *wants* you to feel this way. If so, are you okay with that?
Since you say that your relationship with him is well worth the pain, I won't suggest breaking up with him. It sounds like talking to him about it isn't an option, it's not something you're allowed to do. So, I guess the only thing you can do is feel what you feel.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Re (from OP):
Of course. I know next to nothing about BDSM, but I wonder if he is hurting you on purpose as a part of the power dynamic? Maybe he *wants* you to feel this way. If so, are you okay with that?
Since you say that your relationship with him is well worth the pain, I won't suggest breaking up with him. It sounds like talking to him about it isn't an option, it's not something you're allowed to do. So, I guess the only thing you can do is feel what you feel.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Hi polypet,
Re (from OP):
Of course. I know next to nothing about BDSM, but I wonder if he is hurting you on purpose as a part of the power dynamic? Maybe he *wants* you to feel this way. If so, are you okay with that?
Since you say that your relationship with him is well worth the pain, I won't suggest breaking up with him. It sounds like talking to him about it isn't an option, it's not something you're allowed to do. So, I guess the only thing you can do is feel what you feel.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
He is not intentionally hurting me as an expression of power. The relationship is not based on pain. In general I feel respected in the relationship by both of them. I just struggle with this one aspect. I wonder if it is typical for poly couples to have favorites and if so should the other members of the relationship be clearly informed of this and given guidelines to avoid over stepping their place in the relationship.
It would be naïve of me to assume that the woman who share his bed every night and wakes up with him every morning is not going to hold a special place in his heart that I cannot living so far away. I just don't know if I should let go of the hurt when he sometimes talks to me like I am just another one of his girls.
When he wanted to change to a hierarchy model, did he ask for your consent first? Or was this just handed down because "he's the dom?" I don't get a clear sense of that.
A dom only exists at the consent of the sub.
A healthy, respectful dom makes the "bubble space" where you two talk about your D/s dynamic and you give him feedback on what works for you and what does not. Whether the conversation is "worked in as part of a scene" or totally outside that or some kind of a mix -- there's a way to get the info out. YKWIM?
This situation sounds like you DON'T have that -- a check-in time where you give your continued consent or withdraw, update your stuff so the dom knows where you are at, etc. It's not like you give your consent once to a dom and that's it -- you are sealed for life to this person!
Right now it sounds like you are not getting what you need from him as a dom. You have unanswered questions like:
Yes. YOU might respect and love them both.
I'm not hearing where it is returned. Your dom sounds negligent. Maybe going into abusive. If it isn't in your agreement that you enjoy "down talk" -- why's he talking down to you?
Let me lift this up though:
So if he gets carried away one day in top space -- how do you know you will be safe then?
I strongly suggest you do not scene alone together (or at all) till you get this cleared up.
I strongly encourage you to speak up. If he's not listening or willing to work with you? I suggest you walk away. Not everyone who tries to dom does it well or in healthy ways. Some people call themselves "a Dom" rather than "an abuser" too. Tread carefully.
As a sub, are you able to tell what is healthy and what is not?
If it is something you do NOT want in your D/s agreements, you say so. "I don't want you to say anything to me like _____. I do not get off on things like _____."
YOU set the boundaries for the D/s scene ahead of time so when you arrive at the time for the scene, you enjoy it. But you enjoy it knowing they are a "safe driver" when they take the wheel.
This right now sounds wonky to me. So rather than seek to let go of the hurt or ignore it? I think you could LISTEN to it. Have the conversations you need to be having.
Galagirl
A dom only exists at the consent of the sub.
A healthy, respectful dom makes the "bubble space" where you two talk about your D/s dynamic and you give him feedback on what works for you and what does not. Whether the conversation is "worked in as part of a scene" or totally outside that or some kind of a mix -- there's a way to get the info out. YKWIM?
This situation sounds like you DON'T have that -- a check-in time where you give your continued consent or withdraw, update your stuff so the dom knows where you are at, etc. It's not like you give your consent once to a dom and that's it -- you are sealed for life to this person!
Right now it sounds like you are not getting what you need from him as a dom. You have unanswered questions like:
- If she calls you Daddy, what am I to call you?
- I understand I am 2nd in the hierarchy. No need to keep rubbing that in my face. It's not part of the D/s agreement to keep harping on that. Turns me off.
- I need regular “non D/s bubble space” to check in and talk about agreements to our D/s. When does my bubble space get to happen?
Yes. YOU might respect and love them both.
I'm not hearing where it is returned. Your dom sounds negligent. Maybe going into abusive. If it isn't in your agreement that you enjoy "down talk" -- why's he talking down to you?
Let me lift this up though:
- He's currently treating you in ways that hurt you, and not in the fun way.
- He has not made it regular practice to check in with you to be sure he's domming you how you want to be dommed
- He's not checking in with you about your well being after this new transition. Where he now has a live in sub and other subs that live elsewhere.
- You don't feel safe with your dom to bring up concerns because he will take it personally and act out at you.
So if he gets carried away one day in top space -- how do you know you will be safe then?
I strongly suggest you do not scene alone together (or at all) till you get this cleared up.
I strongly encourage you to speak up. If he's not listening or willing to work with you? I suggest you walk away. Not everyone who tries to dom does it well or in healthy ways. Some people call themselves "a Dom" rather than "an abuser" too. Tread carefully.
As a sub, are you able to tell what is healthy and what is not?
If it is something you do NOT want in your D/s agreements, you say so. "I don't want you to say anything to me like _____. I do not get off on things like _____."
YOU set the boundaries for the D/s scene ahead of time so when you arrive at the time for the scene, you enjoy it. But you enjoy it knowing they are a "safe driver" when they take the wheel.
This right now sounds wonky to me. So rather than seek to let go of the hurt or ignore it? I think you could LISTEN to it. Have the conversations you need to be having.
Galagirl
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starlight1
Active member
I can'tost much o. Sub Dom part as I am still very new to that world.
I can say that who lives with you isn't nessecarily hieiarchial or most important. And that's only if you actually classify your relationships that way in poly.
I am hoping to soon be living with my FWB, but I consider my current partner a man who doesn't live with me, and my boyfriend a man who lives with his live in/life partner. So yeah poly comes in all shapes and sizes, labels are whatever we agree in in each relationship structure.
And if you don't want to be I a heiarchy you can express that you would like to be treated more equally and what actions you would like taken to have your needs met.
I can say that who lives with you isn't nessecarily hieiarchial or most important. And that's only if you actually classify your relationships that way in poly.
I am hoping to soon be living with my FWB, but I consider my current partner a man who doesn't live with me, and my boyfriend a man who lives with his live in/life partner. So yeah poly comes in all shapes and sizes, labels are whatever we agree in in each relationship structure.
And if you don't want to be I a heiarchy you can express that you would like to be treated more equally and what actions you would like taken to have your needs met.
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. As I mentioned in my earlier posts, I know they both care for me and I do feel very safe in the relationship. As a whole, I am very happy and just struggle with my feelings of being left out and less than. I really am grateful to have two wonderful people like them in my life and maybe that is why it is so difficult for me. The LDR aspect gives me insecurities. I will be visiting them soon and, I hope, I will feel better about the whole situation.
I did take some of your advice and had a vague conversation with him about it (vague because of how I approached it). And I do feel somewhat better as a result.
I did take some of your advice and had a vague conversation with him about it (vague because of how I approached it). And I do feel somewhat better as a result.
Honestly, power exchange relationships usually don't have check ins and the submissive does not dictate what will and won't be happening within that relationship. That is the point of exchanging power. What Galagirl is describing sounds like sexy games opposed to a relationship dynamic and a lot of "lifestylers" would be offended at the suggestion they step out of role or the sub ultimately dictating how the relationship will work. What subs do get to decide is whether they're in that relationship or not.
Some people like the idea of a hierarchical harem where everyone knows the pecking order and sticks to it. This sounds like your partner. I think you need to decide whether this would works for you or not and stay or go accordingly.
Some people like the idea of a hierarchical harem where everyone knows the pecking order and sticks to it. This sounds like your partner. I think you need to decide whether this would works for you or not and stay or go accordingly.
I agree that negotiations and discussions are more for those who play sexy games. This relationship is a lifestyle and we did not engage in that. We discussed early on what we were looking for in a relationship. He is not unreasonable in his expectations of me and his method of "domming" me suits me quite well. Again, this is why I am generally content.
opalescent
Active member
This is not accurate in my experience. Maybe different communities handle this differently. I know many folks in intense P/E relationships who regularly step out of role to discuss issues, check in with each other, etc. Even some people in Master/slave relationships have 'out of role' moments built in so that everyone has the opportunity to speak up when something is amiss or going well. Power exchange, what I've seen of it, is not a 'opt in once' kind of thing - it is often a more 'opt in at various points along the way' structure.
I personally would not feel comfortable endorsing a model of P/E where there is not opportunity for a sub or slave to step out of role and discuss things as an adult with their dom or master/mistress. That can encourage potential abuse. And doms who do not want to check in with their subs/slaves/property are not people I would want to play with, much less be in a serious relationship with.