Shifting arrangements...shifting emotions....

I came into the poly lifestyle back in March of this year. And to add a twist, it was with another woman...something I have not experienced before. She is married with two kids and I am in a long term relationship with my fiance--no children. We were both okay with our current situations when we first got together. However, things are quickly changing.

She is divorcing her husband and wants me to move in with her. This has been a sensitive topic for us both for the past 2 months as she is insistent on us getting a place together (regardless of her or my previous committed relationships). Her original idea was to get some space from her husband for a few months and have me move in with her through the transition, but as things have transpired with her husband- she now wants out. I wasnt fond of the idea of moving together especially so soon, and subsequently, she was extremely hurt by my first answer of no. Now that they are divorcing, the topic is at a head again. But that's not it.

We never really discussed her being with another woman in the event her and her husband divorced. I made it clear that if me and my boyfriend didn't work out, I would only be interested in finding another man to be with. She doesnt like the idea of me and my fiance being together anymore and uses that as her reason as to why she wants another woman. She has made it gradually and increasingly clear that she does not like men anymore and could NEVER see herself with another man. As a matter of fact, she tells me being interested in straight sex is "my thing." However, after a heated argument, I find her trying to convince me that she could maybe be able to have sex with a guy if she was in love with him. I don't believe it. I think she is trying to say anything to get me to move in with her still. So now I find myself in not only one, but two predicaments.

1. How do I explain to her that our relationship is not stable enough to bring another girl in and that this was not a situation we had previously agreed on?

2. I can't stomach thinking of her with another woman, let alone live (and work...yes we work together) with her while she is texting, calling, and leaving to "be with" other women. Her solution was "I won't bring anybody to the house." What does she expect, me to watch her kids while she goes and engages in whatever with whoever?

What do I do? Am I being irrational in my thinking that her being with her husband is okay but another woman is not? I think this has a large part to do with her being the first and only woman I've ever loved, but there's so many emotions going on, I can't really tell if I'm being unreasonable.

Please please give me your true and unfiltered advice. I could really use it

I think you are being unreasonable. You have chosen to be with a man and a woman. She is free to choose that too, or not. It sounds like she is choosing not. In a way, it sounds very sexist to me - that you would not be threatened by her being with a man, but you would be, with another woman. I can understand your feelings, but they're just feelings, and I think you need to work through those, even if it causes some temporary pain to you.

I would be hesitant to move in with her, with all this uncertainty AND with the length of your relationship being so short. I don't think you should rush, especially since you are feeling pushed into it.

It is too soon to move in together. You hardly know her. Her kids hardly know you. Also, you might want to consider living with/close by your fiance,too.

Are you unreasonable wanting her to date only men? Yes, but she has only dated you a couple of months, she should focus on your relationship, not new folks. No wonder you are getting jealous. The first six wonderfully NRE-induced months of a new relationship it is insane to date new people.

Bluebird said:

I think you are being unreasonable. You have chosen to be with a man and a woman. She is free to choose that too, or not. It sounds like she is choosing not. In a way, it sounds very sexist to me - that you would not be threatened by her being with a man, but you would be, with another woman. I can understand your feelings, but they're just feelings, and I think you need to work through those, even if it causes some temporary pain to you.

I would be hesitant to move in with her, with all this uncertainty AND with the length of your relationship being so short. I don't think you should rush, especially since you are feeling pushed into it.

Click to expand...

I guess it does sound sexist. Thank you for your honesty. I may just be comfortable with her and her husband. Who knows if I'll actually be as comfortable as I think I'll be with another man. I feel like its all so new, being in my first poly, first lesbian relationship and everything is changing so quickly. We both have been with our husbands/fiances for many years, so thinking of another situation never crossed my mind. That was probably a conversation we should've had before.

I have expressed to her that my hesitance to move in with her does not in any relate to my love for her, but she believes if I love her, I should prove it by moving in.

Norwegianpoly said:

It is too soon to move in together. You hardly know her. Her kids hardly know you. Also, you might want to consider living with/close by your fiance,too.

Are you unreasonable wanting her to date only men? Yes, but she has only dated you a couple of months, she should focus on your relationship, not new folks. No wonder you are getting jealous. The first six wonderfully NRE-induced months of a new relationship it is insane to date new people.

Click to expand...

I've known her for a few years as well as her kids. However, I still think we should wait. If I was monogamous and so was she, I STILL wouldn't move in. Not for at least a solid year, maybe longer since children are involved. I told her this, but it hasnt changed her mind.

She has a horrible habit of breaking up with me during bad arguments and contacting other women she was sexually involved with. Maybe that has something to do with it too???? I do agree that adding more people so soon isnt a good idea. We havent had the smoothest relationship and its only been about 5 months and I feel like we've dealt with more than a new relationship should endure....

Re (from indistress):

"I feel like it's all so new, being in my first poly, first lesbian relationship and everything is changing so quickly."

Click to expand...

Wait, on your profile page it says you're male. Yet this is a "lesbian" relationship ... I'm confused?

Don't move in with her, give your blessing for her to date anyone she chooses.

I assume that you intend to stay with your fiancé, how is her desire for you to split with him going to influence the relationship? I know from experience that it's extremely tedious to have a partner who feels that way about their metamour. And if she dates another woman, you're also going to feel that resentment for a metamour. It will be ugly all round.

As others have said, it is unreasonable for you to attempt to limit who she dates. I'd guess that you and this woman are somewhat used to stomping down boundaries: she thinks it's okay to let it be known she wants your fiancé out of the picture and you think it's okay to restrict who she dates. Adding people when a relationship is rocky isn't a particularly great idea, especially since the new healthy relationship can highlight the cracks in the old dying one. Sometimes that's a good thing though.

Lots of poly people are happy to help facilitate their partner dating other people. Taking care of kids that you don't exactly parent is one way to do this.

Are you unreasonable wanting her to date only men? Yes, but she has only dated you a couple of months, she should focus on your relationship, not new folks. No wonder you are getting jealous. The first six wonderfully NRE-induced months of a new relationship it is insane to date new people.

Click to expand...

Just to let you know that whilst this is the way some people view polyamory, not everyone does. For example, some people don't really experience NRE. Some people find it easier to not allow one relationship "bleed" into another so having two or more new relationships isn't an issue. Others find the idea of closing a relationship for any period of time risky, especially if they have a partner who is fairly new to non monogamy. They feel it's better to rip the bandaid off from the start rather than giving a false sense of security.

You can specify your search to look for people who also believe in closing a relationship in the beginning, or who generally shares your preferences for dating, but that doesn't make your way the right way.

In your shoes I'd be worrying whether my friend actually was poly, or if she was lining up a safety relationship (me) before choosing to leave her marriage. Wanting you to move in with her so fast is ridiculous. This sounds more like the behaviour of a serial monogamist; and she expressed a desire for another relationship with a different woman at exactly the same time she perceived you wavering in your commitment to her. I'd be wary in case she is trying to play mind games with you here - move in with me, or I'll find another woman who will.

I have to wonder what your fiancé thinks in all this. Are his long-term goals compatible with you cohabiting with this woman (and her children, assuming she gets custody)? Are yours?

And back to your girlfriend. It sounds like she has a really strong expectation of being your primary partner here. Were you nurturing this fantasy of hers while she was with her husband? Does she feel like you effectively promised to support her and be her primary relationship if she left him? Or is this all in her head, and her intention is to cow-girl you away from your fiancé? Red flags are waving here. Proceed with caution.

MightyMax said:

Just to let you know that whilst this is the way some people view polyamory, not everyone does. For example, some people don't really experience NRE. Some people find it easier to not allow one relationship "bleed" into another so having two or more new relationships isn't an issue. Others find the idea of closing a relationship for any period of time risky, especially if they have a partner who is fairly new to non monogamy. They feel it's better to rip the bandaid off from the start rather than giving a false sense of security.

Click to expand...

Somehow I dont think the people you refer to are the same ones who want to share a house and kids after 4-5 months. I see a lot of NRE here, it is a typical NRE type of decition to want to live together after just having started to date, especially since she has not practically thought through how the OP will deal with the relationship to the fiance.

Stand your ground and tell her again that you will not move in with her. First of all, you have an established life with your fiance, and you've only been seeing her since March. That's no time at all - you may have known her many years as a friend, but the romantic aspect of your relationship is new. It would be idiotic to move in together at this point, even if you wanted to. Second, she is in the midst of great upheaval in her life (divorce) and that is not the time to jump right into another live-in relationship. Even if she is the one who wanted the divorce, it's still quite a traumatic thing to go through. She should be focusing on her children and doing what she can to comfort them as their whole world is being torn apart. Third, she comes across as demanding, selfish, immature, judgmental, and controlling - egad. Finally, you yourself say your relationship with her is not stable.

If I were you, I'd steer clear of that mess. I would give her some space and time to process everything she's going through right now, by hanging back and seeing her less often. TBH, she sounds like a bit of a trainwreck to me. I would never be able to put up with someone so volatile and passive-aggressive. I say you should put your guard up to keep the crazy out of your life (and your relationship with your fiance).

Norwegianpoly said:

Somehow I dont think the people you refer to are the same ones who want to share a house and kids after 4-5 months. I see a lot of NRE here, it is a typical NRE type of decition to want to live together after just having started to date, especially since she has not practically thought through how the OP will deal with the relationship to the fiance.

Click to expand...

Your first post clearly stated that it would be "insane" for anyone to date other people in the first six months of a relationship. You did not talk about this as if it was a preference some people have. You spoke about it as if that's how real polyamory, or good polyamory, should be. Even some of the people who do experience NRE do not close their relationships in the early days.

MightyMax said:

Even some of the people who do experience NRE do not close their relationships in the early days.

Click to expand...

And does that generally turn out to be a good idea?

Norwegianpoly said:

And does that generally turn out to be a good idea?

Click to expand...

I don't close my relationships and I haven't had an inordinate amount of issues related to NRE. In fact, I can't think of anyone I know who has that in place. They just go with the flow.

Do people on here routinely close their relationships to begin with? I don't t recall it ever being mentioned.

MightyMax said:

Do people on here routinely close their relationships to begin with? I don't t recall it ever being mentioned.

Click to expand...

I haven't heard of this concept until just now. Sure, some people prefer poly-fi in general, but to close a new relationship as a rule and as a preventative measure or to keep the new relationship NRE pure or.......? That's a new one on me. I think most people know when they are poly saturated and don't need rules about when they can and can't take up wtih new people. They just know.

FallenAngelina said:

I haven't heard of this concept until just now. Sure, some people prefer poly-fi in general, but to close a new relationship as a rule and as a preventative measure or to keep the new relationship NRE pure or.......? That's a new one on me. I think most people know when they are poly saturated and don't need rules about when they can and can't take up wtih new people. They just know.

Click to expand...

I've known it as a rule that a minority of people have. Training wheels, although I find that expression somewhat patronizing

For me, I can date a lot of people and keep everything moving smoothly. If I start hitting NRE, I cancel with everyone and fall headlong into it. I never really thought about why, but mostly I was dating to find someone I really wanted to connect with, so once I found that connection, I wanted to concentrate on it and feel all the warm fuzzies.

I am sorry you struggle.

Please please give me your true and unfiltered advice. I could really use it

Click to expand...

Ok.

You start dating coworker Lady in March 2015. She was married. She wanted you to move in 2 mos in. You say no. Rightly so! Much to fast to be moving in with someone you barely know after dating 2 months. She does not respect your "No." Argues with you instead.

Now she is divorcing. She wants you to move in again. You say no. Rightly so. Much too fast to be moving in with someone 4-5 mos into dating AND smack in the middle of divorce. This is the BEST time to start cohabitation how? You wonder if she's just looking for someone to watch her kids free while she dates. Swell for her, not so much for you.

Again she does not respect your "No." Fusses in various ways.

I think she is trying to say anything to get me to move in with her still.

Click to expand...

I think you are correct! Do not let you soft feelings for her while you are in NRE crush mode to blind you to the fact that she sounds loopy.

1. How do I explain to her that our relationship is not stable enough to bring another girl in and that this was not a situation we had previously agreed on?

Click to expand...

You don't explain. No JADE. (Justify, argue, defend or explain.)

Look the behavior. Not her words.

If she's not listening to your no after what seems like at least 3 arguments over this? How is that loving behavior? To me it sounds FRESH and like she doesn't respect your "no" answers.

Now she wants to change the terms and you are not up for it? You simply say "no, not willing. Wish you well!" and you walk away. She can carry on without you.

Because you don't have to date people who don't respect your limits. You don't have to stick around "explaining" giving her more of your time and attention. You don't have to accept her changing terms on her whim.

What does she expect, me to watch her kids while she goes and engages in whatever with whoever?

Click to expand...

Probably. Again... say no.

What do I do? Am I being irrational in my thinking that her being with her husband is okay but another woman is not?

Click to expand...

That gender thing is a distraction. Take a step back and see the bigger picture. What is healthy and NOT healthy for you?

When she was with her husband, her behaviors toward you were not stable sounding. Who asks people to move in 2 mos into dating?!

Now that she is divorcing, she seems even more UNSTABLE. Still pressuring you to move in with her, wanting to cut you away from your fiancee, ramping up the moving in pressure, changing the terms of what you signed up for, wanting you to be her live in babysitter, etc. Went from weird to weirder. What healthy person does that? If she is doing that 4 mos in living apart, do you wonder what crazy it would be 6 mos in living with her?

Rather than doubting yourself, maybe you consider these are her true colors. That she is NOT a healthy person to be dating.

So no. I don't think it is unreasonable of you to want to go "Um... no!" In fact, I think you could listen to yourself. And keep going right out the door. This is NOT what you signed up for and you are within your rights to just bow out.

TBH, most of this sounds much too intense, too fast, too soon, too weird, with some chaos manufacture and her looking for someone to "rescue" her from her mess. Don't be that person. She can clean up her own mess.

She could sort out her life without engaging in fights with you because you give her an answer she does not like.

I think she just wants her way at your expense. She sounds like a loopy to me. Rather than worry about the gender of who she wants to date, you could focus on who YOU want to date and what kind of person they are and what kind of character they have. She is not healthy sounding to me. Walk away.

Galagirl

Hi indistress,

Whether your profile stating 'male' is an oversight or whether it is the case, I'd like to try to contribute.

Her original idea was to get some space from her husband for a few months and have me move in with her through the transition, but as things have transpired with her husband- she now wants out. I wasnt fond of the idea of moving together especially so soon, and subsequently, she was extremely hurt by my first answer of no. Now that they are divorcing, the topic is at a head again.

Click to expand...

It's understandable that she feels rejected, but you're being rational. It would not be a good idea to move in together when: 1) you haven't been in a romantic relationship for all that long; 2) her behaviour has proven to be volatile and manipulative; 3) there are kids in the mix; 4) she's going through a divorce.

We never really discussed her being with another woman in the event her and her husband divorced.

Click to expand...

You know, this has come as a shock to you. It's ok. Yes, other people are basically right - it would be unfair of you to insist that she doesn't date another woman. She should be able to pursue potential live-in relationships if you are unwilling at this stage to live with her.

But honestly? Yes, I do understand why the concept of her with another woman is threatening. You aren't wrong for feeling what you feel. Feelings are simply feelings. Go easy on yourself, remember that some things are going to freak you out (particularly if they are new ideas), but always remember not to let your insecurities overcome your fairness.

Also, I've often found that when a partner of mine has an EXISTING partner, I have absolutely no jealousy or insecurity. It's the NEW partners, the ones that arrive after I've come along, that can feel more threatening. So it's entirely possible that you were comfortable with the status-quo and that the idea of a new person coming into the mix, male or female, is going to be stressful for you.

She doesnt like the idea of me and my fiance being together anymore and uses that as her reason as to why she wants another woman.

Click to expand...

This is a big problem. Have you talked to her about it?

1. How do I explain to her that our relationship is not stable enough to bring another girl in and that this was not a situation we had previously agreed on?

Click to expand...

I don't think that it's fair to tell her that you don't consent to her seeking an additional relationship (with someone of any gender) when you're still with your partner.

In terms of the relationship not being stable enough, however, I don't disagree with you. She's going through a divorce and it's likely going to be messy if she brings someone else in. You can't stop her from doing this: all you can do is state your opinion "I'm concerned that this will be messy, and that our relationship is starting to show cracks that will only be widened by more emotional trauma." In this way, you are sharing your emotional weather. You're being honest. You're giving her all of the information before she acts. You're not telling her what she can and can't do.

2. I can't stomach thinking of her with another woman, let alone live (and work...yes we work together) with her while she is texting, calling, and leaving to "be with" other women. Her solution was "I won't bring anybody to the house." What does she expect, me to watch her kids while she goes and engages in whatever with whoever?

Click to expand...

Yes, she may expect this.

And I think you're being very level-headed to see that you wouldn't be able to cope with witnessing the texts and calls and whatnot.

At one point, my main partner talked often about moving in a boyfriend of hers. Already, my partner, her husband, myself and our child live under one roof. I told her that if SHE wants to live with one of her boyfriends, I'd find this upsetting but I have no power over what she does. What I DO have control over is where *I* want to live and what kind of emotional respite *I* want to find in my home.

Stick to your guns. You know that it would be hell for you to live with her and deal with all of these things. Don't be bullied.


As a final point, I'm concerned that you say she often ends the relationship AND goes off to contact exes when you fight. No wonder you are lacking in stability and are not willing to merge your lives further at this point. No wonder you are threatened by the thought of her with someone new: she hasn't shown herself to be stable yet.

in my experience, this kind of behaviour very rarely ever stops all together. What you do now is paving the way for the future. As hard as it is, I'd advise you to call her bluff on that if you aren't already doing it. If you are already doing it, I'd advise you to explain to her that this kind of behaviour damages your trust in her and makes you want to live with her less.

Finally, you don't need to prove your love to her. How is she proving her love to you? By disrespecting your wishes and trying to bully you into doing things her way?

I think you should stick right where you are. You're being very wise.