It feels wrong.

As a preamble, this is my first post and I'm looking for honest opinons.

I'm a relatively shy individual and I struggle with social situations. I'm (not so) recently divorced and have lingering fears from that relationship, which incidentally has been my only long term relationship before I met him. Unfortunately he lives in the UK, and I live in the US. Our relationship has been nearly entirely online. He's sent me real life things, and I've sent things to him, but we've never met in person. He's coming to the US in October for us to meet for the first time.

About 9 months ago, he added a new woman into our relationship. She, too, is a long distance relationship, and he has never met her either. But the struggle I am feeling is all too real. The pain and hurt feel immeasurable at times and I've found myself lashing out at him over it.

I know I'm supposed to feel compersion with the new addition. But, finding out after-the-fact that they'd been talking, teasing, and playing over skype before I was ever notified made me trust both of them less to begin with. He has trouble communicating at times, and though he says he's trying to be better, I'm simply not seeing the changes he's trying to make.

My jealousy has risen multiple times, likely from the lack of communication. And we regularly spend all day together on skype, he, her and I. But there are times when it's just him and her, or him and me. Am I wrong to get jealous or upset when I've asked him what he's been up to (or even wrong for asking for that matter) and he doesn't tell me about his time with her?

I feel like he's hiding something. Part of this could be that we've not not met and it's harder to form that more intimate trust with someone over the interwebs, but part of it feels like he's simply keeping his relationship with her all to himself. He's not giving me the chance to feel compersion by telling me and being transparent about what they have.

The problem is that you feel he should share the details about their relationship with you. Is it not sufficient to know that he loves her and understand that with that love, all the other things associated with love will follow? Their relationship involves him and her, as a result some things are private between the two of them. Your concern about him hiding things is not accurate, think of it more as things that don't involve you. Do your friends or family know all the details about your love life? I doubt it. Do they feel you are hiding things? I doubt it. Rather they understand its none of their business. I bet there are aspects about your relationship with him that he doesn't share with her. Also I'll bet she has bouts of jealousy about this. This is where trust comes into play. Trust that your relationship with him is uniquely special and trust that there is no need for you to control or oversee their relationship. It's a very freeing feeling once you learn how because all of the fear vanishes and there is only peace of mind left behind.

He didn't "add" anyone to your relationship with him; he's just involved in an additional relationship besides the one he has with you. She isn't part of your relationship with him if you did not consent to being in a triad. Right now, you're in a vee, but it doesn't seem like you consented to that, either. It isn't ethical if he just suddenly announced that he's got another chick and you're supposed to lie down and accept it. I mean, what the fuck? Does that feel respectful of you? He's just doing what he wants to do and you're saying, "Umm, okay I guess" when you don't really want to be a part of it.

Until you've met in person and experienced being with him over time, you really can't know if it will work for you. Totally online relationships can be full of pretense, falsehoods, and misperceptions. I would say not to invest much in this until you meet him face-to-face and know whether or not you want to continue. If you do, then you need to find your backbone and speak up for what you want and what you do not want.

I am sorry you struggle.

Was exclusivity promised and then he started online dating her without your knowledge? Or was exclusivity never promised, and he just happens to be online dating several people? I am not clear on this. What kind of agreements did you have before her? Could you be willing to clarify?

Galagirl

Nothing is real until you meet face to face.

@graviton: I would agree that parts of their relationship are none of my business. I, however, was pulled into theirs when she left and they were both heartbroken. I encouraged them to get back together because, in some way, I felt obligated to ensure his happiness.

@nycindie: He did, infact, ask me to allow her into the relationship. However, because previously I had asked that he let me know when he was interested in someone, he did break my trust by playing with her for weeks before asking. He seems to be doing very little to build my trust, and instead gets angry when I bring up my feelings, taking on a condescending tone and saying we're just going round in circles until I eventually drop it.

@GalaGirl: We'd agreed that if either of us were interested in someone else, we'd sit and talk about it. She was basically plopped into my lap a month into the relationship, and I felt obligated to assent to the relationship as it was well underway.

Oh jeez, why do you put up with this kind of crap?

I put up with it because I still love him, and it hasn't always been like this. Part of me is hoping that it will change. She is his first serious metamour since we've been together. Everyone else has more been a fling and it's brought out insecurities in me. Partially because of how the relationship was brought to me, and partially because he's made it clear that he's serious about her and that he plans on meeting her shortly after he meets me. That I'll have waited 4 years to meet him, and her 1 year.. it makes it seem and feel unfair to me in a lot of ways.

Thank you for clarifying.

That I'll have waited 4 years to meet him, and her 1 year.. it makes it seem and feel unfair to me in a lot of ways.

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Could you clarify this too?

I am not reading that he broke agreements. Did he do it in a way that was mean or unethical?

I'm still not clear on your agreements.

If getting seriously involved with someone, or cybersexing with someone counts as "cheating" in your online dating agreements? Then he cheated on your agreements.

And now when you call him into account for breaking agreements he acts out so you back off. Then he's off the hook. He does not sound like a kind person. Do not meet him -- just cancel it.

It sounds weird here to me.

I realize you might be low post divorce, but I think it would be healthier for you to meet local people that are HEALTHY dating partners. Hanging out with a cheater/weirdo is not a way to seek uplift.

You mention a few times that you feel obligated to him, his happiness, etc.
How you do you feel about your duty to yourself? To keep YOU healthy, happy, etc?

I'm not reading where you are owning your own choices. I get a vibe of "because of this I had to... because of him I had to..." I am not getting clear "I chose to do..."

Being selfless is not an admirable trait.

To me it sounds like you are placing extra stress on yourself with your thinking "she's better than me/ I am less than" stuff. Rather than thinking "He's behaved badly/weirdly toward me. I don't like how he treats me."

You seem to be internalizing his behavior like you "deserve" it and if only you were "better" then he would not do that to you. Or like you are insecure.

Rather than seeing more clear. If only he were of better character he wouldn't choose to behave like a jerk.The situation is unstable. He doesn't want to talk things out, he wants you to shut up. Cheating/not cheating set aside... that's not healthy conflict resolution.

Of course it feels insecure to be there -- Hanging around with him will be shaky ground if he acts out at you.

I think you dodged a bullet. Could cancel the trip and don't meet him! You do NOT deserve this treatment. You have worth, dignity and value.

Here's my suggestions:

a) Learn to look at people's behavior without absorbing it like it was your fault. Learn to stop yourself when you start thinking doom things about yourself like that without foundation.

b) End it with the cheater/weird vibes guy. I don't know which one it is, but for sure he's not treating you in a way you like. You owe him nothing.

c) Take time to heal. Then think how you want to date next.

It's ok to want to try to poly again with healthier partners. It's also ok to decide your preference is one-on-one and decide concurrent dating is not for you.

This is your first relationship after your husband, and your husband was the first and only serious relationship. It's ok to still be figuring out your preferences for dating.

Galagirl

Hi Flailing,

Re (from OP):

"Am I wrong to get jealous or upset when I've asked him what he's been up to and he doesn't tell me about his time with her?"

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Why doesn't he tell you?

Re (from Flailing):

"He seems to be doing very little to build my trust, and instead gets angry when I bring up my feelings, taking on a condescending tone and saying we're just going round in circles until I eventually drop it."

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That's a bad sign. You haven't even met in person yet ...

Re (from Flailing):

"I put up with it because I still love him, and it hasn't always been like this. Part of me is hoping that it will change."

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Just remember, it could change for the worse.

I'm not sure what to suggest yet, but I will continue to follow your story.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I am not reading that he broke agreements. Did he do it in a way that was mean or unethical?

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I had noticed he was spending more and more time away from me, and he already has a hectic work schedule, so that wasn't particularly unusual. He mentioned a 'friend' he'd been talking to about two weeks before he made it official. I asked him if he'd been doing anything with her or was interested, and he said he was not, and had no intentions of going there with her. I was mislead in such a way that when he told me that he and her were an item of sorts, I was so numb about the weeks of lies that I wasn't thinking straight about much at that time.

That I'll have waited 4 years to meet him, and her 1 year.. it makes it seem and feel unfair to me in a lot of ways.
Could you clarify this?

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We've been in a relationship for 4 years. During that first year, we talked about meeting, had plans.. but because of a bad experience in his past, he backed out and avoided the subject. I gave him space and the subject didn't arise for awhile. It was a topic broached many times but there was always a reason, an excuse for us not to meet. I've worked in building his trust in me for over 3 years to prove that we can meet and I won't cancel last minute.. and all that work, effort, time and energy.. I'll be getting 3 days with him, and then he'll be leaving to meet with her for a few weeks. His reasoning is that she's asked him more than I have, and has been pushing for it, whereas I've been building (what I thought) was a solid foundation.

What bothers me most about the aforementioned situation is that he hasnt' been lacking money, or time. It's been his emotional baggage that I've worked proactively to help him get past. And instead of acknowledging the work that's been put into the relationship, none of it appears to matter to him, I'm the quick layover stop of a couple days before he goes to see her for an extended period.


I do appreciate the response, I know I can be disjointed at times. My preference definitely isn't for one-on-one.. I can't stand it, and perhaps my problem is that I'm not currently seeing anyone else, so his NRE with her is bothering me that much more.

Re:

"I'll be getting three days with him, and then he'll be leaving to meet with her for a few weeks. His reasoning is that she's asked him more than I have ..."

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Huh?

This guy's sounding worse by the minute.

I was mislead in such a way that when he told me that he and her were an item of sorts, I was so numb about the weeks of lies that I wasn't thinking straight about much at that time.

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That was 9 mos ago. Why choose to continue to date a liar?

I could be wrong but the timeline seems to be

• You and him online date for 3ish years.
  • You ask about getting together finally in person
  • He keeps blowing that off
• You choose to keep investing

• He starts dating her
  • You noticed his schedule/availability and ask if he's seeing someone.
  • He lies and say no
  • Later he tells you she's in the picture.
  • You are upset he's lied about it
• You choose to keep investing

• They break up for whatever reason.
• He's being all sad at you.
• You think if she's back he will be more normal around you? You are hoping so? (<-- I am not clear here)
• You encourage him to get back together with her.
• So they get together
• You choose to keep investing

Now you are 4 years in. Still feeling yucky because you choose continue to be with him.

I'd say make a NEW choice and stop being with him. See if in time that feels better. Because staying sure doesn't.

My preference definitely isn't for one-on-one.. I can't stand it, and perhaps my problem is that I'm not currently seeing anyone else, so his NRE with her is bothering me that much more.

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I don't think so. Even with another BF, I think he'd still have behaved like a jerk to you.

I think the problem is that you keep trying to meet your dating needs with a bad behaving partner. Why is that?

Like Kevin pointed out -- you haven't even met him in person! And there he is... He devalues you and your efforts. Gives you the run around/puts you off. Then acts out when you call him into account. Mostly to get you off his back and shut up. That's treating you bad.

Walk away. You can do better than this. And you DESERVE much better than this.

Galagirl

Four years seems like an AWFULLY long time to wait to meet someone, who has time and resources to arrange a visit, even with his "emotional baggage." You may not have been bringing it up, but why wasn't he? Why was that your responsibility, not a mutual thing for you two to plan?

He does not seem to be making you a priority.

Catfish is what springs to my mind.

Dump him and get in a real relationship with someone who doesn't live in a different country, who will actually meet you face to face, and with whom you can spend time with physically, not just over Skype.

I understand you're shy and you've been hurt. Many of us struggle with social interactions, but it's something that can be worked on. Seek therapy if necessary, or medication if your social fear is very bad, work on your self-esteem, do things to get out more and meet more people. If you had other people in your life, do you really think you'd be hanging on so desperately to someone you've never even met, and who doesn't take your feeling into account?

I have to agree, until you have actually spent time with this person,.....your relationship is still in the beginning phase...and you cannot question him adding another person to his life because you are not really fully in it as of yet. Texting/skype/emails/and letters are not a committed relationship. IMO.

Flailing said:

I was mislead in such a way that when he told me that he and her were an item of sorts, I was so numb about the weeks of lies that I wasn't thinking straight about much at that time.

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RED FLAG!

Flailing said:

We've been in a relationship for 4 years. During that first year, we talked about meeting, had plans.. but because of a bad experience in his past, he backed out and avoided the subject. I gave him space and the subject didn't arise for awhile. It was a topic broached many times but there was always a reason, an excuse for us not to meet. I've worked in building his trust in me for over 3 years to prove that we can meet and I won't cancel last minute.. and all that work, effort, time and energy.. I'll be getting 3 days with him, and then he'll be leaving to meet with her for a few weeks. His reasoning is that she's asked him more than I have, and has been pushing for it, whereas I've been building (what I thought) was a solid foundation . . . I'm the quick layover stop of a couple days before he goes to see her for an extended period.

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I think it is rather strange that you focused on getting him to trust in you, when to me it seems quite obvious HE is the UNtrustworthy element here.

You've picked the wrong guy, hon. Don't meet him. I fear for you if you do!

Four years without ever seeing each other in person? And NEVER having met? You can give this a try, if you want. I'm not seeing 100% that he's an awful person, just a severe lack of communication (maybe he didn't consider her serious enough during the weeks of play to mention her). You and he don't ever seem to have developed clear boundaries or standards.

But, tbh, I think this is a case of "He's just not that into you." Are you sure you love him, or just the idea of him? It's easy to idealize someone you've never met. Because, from his end, it looks like he just likes the attention from you, but isn't serious at all. I would drop him after this, for someone with real potential.

If you do meet him in October, take precautions! Make sure someone knows where you are.