Brand New

Greetings:

I have freshly become aware of polyamory as a model for relationships.

I'm a thirty-four year old man. I've been married for five years, and in a monogamous relationship with the same woman for more than ten. It turns out that I'm quite good at monogamy. I just don't find it rewarding in the way I've always thought I should. For many years I have harbored shame about my interest in other women, and an equal amount of sadness over never being able to give potential relationships the opportunity to grow into something beautiful. I had seen examples of swinging, open relationships, polyandry, and polygyny. None of those things appealed to me in any way.

I have very recently reassessed everything I know about love and relationships. This has left me extremely curious about polyamory. It appeals to me naturally. I have very low sexual jealousy and possessiveness, I'm a thoughtful, curious person, and I have a high bias toward novelty, excitement, and engagement. My values and worldview are far from traditional, so polyamory seems a very natural way of having relationships to me.

I feel so sad that I have only now come to this way of loving as an option. I have begun the work of presenting this idea to my wife, but I'm terrified she won't be able to accept it. I understand that accepting polyamory requires a total shift in how one views relationships, so my strategy is to increase our openness - especially in discussing attraction to others, challenge traditional views in a philosophical way, boost her feelings of worth and self esteem, show her that feelings of jealousy are more related to personal insecurity than love, and very slowly encourage her interest in others while role-modeling the supportive partner who will allow her space to explore relationships with others. I will not ask her to experiment in this fully until I know her views have caught up to mine. It could take a very long time. I've only made the first forays into this subject.

Of course, despite my enthusiasm this seems to be almost certainly doomed to failure. I haven't found much evidence that what I'm trying to do can succeed. If it doesn't, then I will remain monogamous. I love how the poly community seems to value trust and honesty above all else. It aligns nicely with my values.

In any case, I'm glad to have found this group. It's comforting to know that there are other people like me.

I will spend some time reading through the forum and absorbing advice from people more experienced than I.

I wish you all well,
elijah

I think it's cool to be able to talk about this lifestyle also. It resonates with me as a concept and always has. I hear you when you say you wish you had found it sooner, but I doubt it would have made much difference, in all. In my journey through life, it seems most do not have what it takes to commit to a lifelong relationship, and even those are fraught with trouble. It seems nearly impossible to find more than one lifelong relationship, much less at once!

Still, I sometimes allow myself to engage in some fantasies/daydreams about living in a polyfidelitous union, and it's so heady! For me, I feel most drawn to being married to one man, perhaps even as second wife, though I could be first wife also. I like the idea of that man being the master of both of his wives, so that there is little drama and we all know the rules. I like being submissive in this role but could also be dominant as the case arises, and manage things pretty well. I love thinking about the relationship dynamics that form when you add another person into a secure dyad; the respect that would be present for the original couple, but also the excitement that 'comes' with the new. I love the idea of sharing time, and being titillated thinking about the other part of my family being otherwise engaged, allowing me time for my personal endeavors as well.

On the other hand, as I listen again to Genesis, I'm reminded that God's holiest men really did only have one wife. I am not sure if this desire of mine is something to be indulged or not. I think it will depend upon my divine partner, when he comes. Mainly I just want to have the loving relationship with a human that I have never had, though I do have that with God. If that is cloaked in polygyny, then so be it. If not, great.

I tried to live polyamory out in my previous marriage and it didn't work, largely because my ex wanted sexual exploits and I wanted true polyamory. Now I am single and alone, with God. I am married to God until He sends me an earthly husband. For me, it's not about being attracted to a lot of people and weeding them out, it's about finding that one perfect person, family, whom I was made for.

Thanks for posting!

elijah said:

I'm a thirty-four year old man......I feel so sad that I have only now come to this way of loving as an option.

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You have a good 50 years (and more!) to go forward and create the life of your dreams. Follow your bliss, elijah!!!

Thank you, Karen. I appreciate the encouragement. I know I still have a lot of life ahead of me (most likely). What I meant was that I wish I had been curious enough about myself earlier in my romantic life to be honest about my real desires before getting married and making a lifelong commitment to one person. It's not fair or realistic to expect my wife to adapt to this. She needs to be true to herself just as much as I. I'm the one who messed up. I wasn't brave enough to explore these feelings as a younger man.

elijah, many people (if not most) change quite a lot over the course of a long term marriage. The smart ones don't demand that their partner remain the same year after year and learn from the other's changes. You are in the position of many people who come to this forum, myself included. It's definitely possible to successfully introduce poly to a previously mono marriage, as I found after 15 years of exclusivity. So very much has been written in this forum about this and I encourage you to do some looking back on the many threads on this subject.

elijah said:

...I wish I had been curious enough about myself earlier in my romantic life to be honest about my real desires before getting married and making a lifelong commitment to one person.

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You can be wholeheartedly committed to a person and embrace new discoveries, new ideas, new people. Nobody really knows her/himself entirely when h/she gets married. Nobody knows what will be revealed as he gains more life experience, confidence, maturity. You wouldn't expect yourself to know at 10 what you now can see at 35, just as you now know what you didn't when you married. What's rarely mentioned in the wedding talk, but what many long married couples will tell you, is that everyone changes as the decades roll on. The individual changes may or may not allow for a continued life together but one thing is certain: If either partner has to struggle to contain himself to who he was on his wedding day in order to keep the peace and maintain the promise of being that young person forevermore, then the marriage is faltering anyway. You do no service to your loved ones, including your mate, by hiding dreams of who you really are. Likewise, our loved ones benefit in all kinds of unforeseen ways when we choose to follow the call of our joy.

Greetings elijah,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from OP):

"I haven't found much evidence that what I'm trying to do can succeed."

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By what you're trying to do, do you mean telling your wife about poly? or actually putting poly into practice? (or both?) We have a Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness thread that may give you some encouragement.

Glad to have you with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

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Welcome aboard!

Thanks Kevin:

What I'm attempting to do is both introduce my wife to the concept of polyamory and ask her to consider trying it with me. It will be a hard sell after many years of monogamy. I'm not even completely certain polyamory will work for me, but I'll never know unless I try.

I'll read what you've suggested. Thanks again.

No problem, and if I can be of any help in presenting the poly idea to your wife, I'd like to. Maybe there are poly books/websites that you could read/look at together? A couple of good ones would be ...

• "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
• "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.

Opening Up and More than Two both have accompanying books and websites. I recommend looking at all they have to offer. Particularly helpful for people new to poly is Franklin Veaux's FAQ page.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.