I have no idea...

So,

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and I registered only to share my personal doubts. I don't expect any replies. I just have to write this somewhere in public, but safe. It's an act of courage from my side and not a light thing to actually share.

All my life I've been kind of a weird person, but the older I get, the more I realize that I can actually be polyamorous. I never had ocasion to experience it; the real concept and a feeling I discovered not longer than a year ago.

I know I am able to love more than one person, I've been getting more and more vibes like that lately (and I'm not a teenager, I'm an adult woman, so it's not like I'm discovering sex and such; I thought I had this behind)

I have a fiance that I love very much and in this relationship I've been realizing more and more that I'm indeed able to love more than one man; what is more, a thought of sexaul commitement to just one person for the rest of my life seems to me kind of scary in a way. I hate having my freedoms taken away from me.
In the same time, I know my fiance is commited only to me and he loves me very much so I don't have a heart to tell him about potential "things" I feel that are my natural needs. I feel very happy living with my fiance, however, I know there's so much more that could be waiting for me and I feel like I'm a selfish person

I don't even know if I'll ever meet any other man that I could really love, but I know this potential is in me and what do I do now? My fiance is a very open minded person but polyamory, I know it is not "from his league". How can I love him and feel free to love others? It makes me sad sometimes If I discovered that earlier, things would be easier. All my life I'm late for the party

whew!

organza said:

...a thought of sexaul commitement to just one person for the rest of my life seems to me kind of scary in a way. I hate having my freedoms taken away from me.

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Organza, you're describing here what many, many people feel but don't have words for, so you're certainly not weird for voicing this. Many people do enter into marriage suppressing these feelings for the sake of perceived stability, only to find years later that freedom continues to call. I, myself, married at 38 with these exact feelings, so I can't imagine you're all that late to the party, as you say. It's never too late and always the right time to listen to the call of freedom and live your dreams. I've been married 16 years and I find that the more I gently but assuredly walk in the direction of my heart's desires, the more everyone around me benefits, as well. What I initially perceive to be hurting someone else (particularly my husband) always turns out to be the best thing that ever happened for him. You can never know what is truly "best" for another person (so don't even take that on) and you can never, ever go wrong following the call of freedom, navigated by your heart.

Hi organza,
You're not a selfish person.

Re (from OP):

"I don't even know if I'll ever meet any other man that I could really love, but I know this potential is in me and what do I do now?"

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I think that sooner or later you'll have to tell your fiancé what you're feeling. I would submit that the longer you wait, the more complicated the matter will become. You're not married yet; now's the time to figure out whether you guys are compatible.

Re:

"How can I love him and feel free to love others?"

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Love is an abundant quality. It's not like a slice of pie where only one person can have a slice. I think having more people to love increases your capacity to love.

Anyways, thanks for having the courage to express yourself here. Technically we're just a bunch of internet strangers, but we do care and sympathize.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I am sorry you struggle. I get that it is hard to sit with uncomfortable thoughts and share them with others.

My advice? Tell your fiancé. Do not hide authentic you from fear of him calling you selfish. Or you calling yourself selfish.

That is focussing on fear rather than focussing on honoring the whole you or giving the potential marriage honesty and strong foundation.

If he is going to wuss out now, better you know now than take him as life companion and have him wuss out later every time something happens in Life.

Do not get married with this not discussed. That to me is what engagement time is for... To open up and talk about the big stuff. You discovering you are poly is big stuff.

• You may find out that he is up for it... Both hearing your emerging poly thoughts and feelings and opening the marriage later as a mono-poly couple.
  
• You may find out that he is up for hearing your poly thoughts and feelings, but not up for opening the marriage.
  
• You may find he is not up for either... Does not want to know your poly thoughts and feelings and does not want to have an open marriage.

But find out which it is, and if it suits you or not. There is nothing wrong with a loooong engagement. It gives you both time.

Successful engagement ends in two ways to me. It ends with parties finding they are truly compatible and they move on to wedding planning. Or it ends with parties finding out they are not compatible for marriage and are better off as friends. They move on to that change.

I don't even know if I'll ever meet any other man that I could really love, but I know this potential is in me and what do I do now?

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Since you are currently engaged to be doing serious thinking and serious talking together to see if marriage is doable between you? Please do not skimp out on that. Get the job done. Skimping out on the engagement talks from fear and moving into marriage under false colors.... That is not a successful engagement nor the strong foundations for a strong marriage to me. That is not a marriage made in good faith. You sell him and you short doing that.

I encourage you to have the talks you need to be having. Do the marriage prep classes online, at your place of worship, or at the county extension office. Do the work required.

Do the same act of courage and open up to your fiancé.

HTH!
Galagirl

Yes! Put the marriage on pause! This is just as important as being on the same page about having kids. Nobody should enter marriage with one partner wanting kids and the other undecided or against it, the same is true for poly.

You have committed yourself to sharing your life with this man; you and he are entering into a life partnership. How sad that you feel you cannot talk to him about something so important to you and integral to how you want to live your life. If you can't face him and reveal yourself, your deepest thoughts, fears, hopes, desires, etc., to him, then why bother getting married? It doesn't bode well for the relationship if there is no confiding and laying one's soul bare to your partner.

HappilyFallenAngel said:

I've been married 16 years and I find that the more I gently but assuredly walk in the direction of my heart's desires, the more everyone around me benefits, as well. What I initially perceive to be hurting someone else (particularly my husband) always turns out to be the best thing that ever happened for him. You can never know what is truly "best" for another person (so don't even take that on) and you can never, ever go wrong following the call of freedom, navigated by your heart.

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Thank you for the reply! I found it really encouraging but I'm a bit confused what do you mean by following your heart? Did you talk to your husband? What did you do if you say it's a good thing that happened? I'd like to understand more.

Thank you for all the other replies. I think you didn't get that if I tell this to my fiance, there will be no option to stay with him and I don't want to be without him. I could tell him a lot, but this is not that thing. I'm still exploring what is it exactly and how do I feel about it.
Me and my fiance, we share many things and inspire each other a lot, including our early business we started with some other friend and other projects we do and plan to do that are really importnat for me, are actually essential for my personal goals. My general wedding situation is a bit more complicated too but I don't want to give any more detials. We're not taking a church wedding though.

I'd rather be with him and see what happens. I don't care what people think, but I care what he thinks. Besides, I'm being a bit selfish, since I don't think I could accept another woman in our love life... or I haven't grown up to that. I don't know if there's anything more to say.

Re:

"If I tell this to my fiancé, there will be no option to stay with him and I don't want to be without him."

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How do you know this? Is this something the two of you have already discussed?

If it's true, then you have to figure out if you can be truly happy through the years if you have to permanently sublimate your poly inclinations. If you can't figure it out now, you'll have to figure it out later. And that could complicate things.

Perhaps this thread could serve as a starting point for that rumination? I know you're determined to go ahead with this marriage but still, it's something you could think about right?

Me and my fiance, we share many things and inspire each other a lot,

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Does he inspire honesty, authenticity, and integrity in you conversations with him?

If yes... why leave this out? It's lies of omission. Sells him short.

If no... why be with him much less marry him? That's selling you short.

I think you didn't get that if I tell this to my fiance, there will be no option to stay with him and I don't want to be without him.

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I do see that you fear this outcome. That he might say "Thanks for being honest with me. I am not willing to go there. I prefer Closed and Monogamous. We will have to end the engagement time and conclude no marriage will happen here. We are not compatible for that."

I think it is better a good engagement that concludes "not compatible" than move on to a marriage with problems later on from lack of disclosure.

His willingness for poly/preferences for his marriage shape are up to HIM. Not up to you.

It does not change that you are not doing your part of the job at this time -- the telling up front part. Telling what you want/prefer. Telling it completely, honestly, directly to the best of your ability at this point in time. Fear of what he might say or how it may change the future? It's not a reason to skimp out on the job.

Again, this what the Engagement Time is for. To have the hard conversations to make sure you are truly compatible. I encourage you talk frankly and honestly with him.

Galagirl

Welcome, organza,

You say you are an adult woman. How old, in your 20s? Dating sucks and it is exhausting. Sometimes we settle for someone who is "pretty good" just because we are tired of dating. We meet so many unsuitable men, that when we meet Mr Pretty Good, we go for it!

That is what I did. I met my ex h in 1974, I was 19. I'd been dating for 4 years and it felt like forever. I met so many weird people, annoying people. People who were too quiet, or too loud, people who were bad at sex, or suicidal, or drama queens, or drug addicts, or controlling, or full of bitterness, on and on. My ex h looked pretty good.

I was poly, but we didn't have a word for it back then. There were swingers in the '70's, but it was kind of a suburban wife swapping thing that people in polyester leisure suits and caftans did. hehe Loving more than one person romantically was just "not done."

So, 3 1/2 years after meeting my ex, I married him. He had low self esteem, he was jealous if I so much as looked at another guy, but I took that as a compliment, while also resenting it.

He also SEEMED highly monogamous. I would ask him if he found this or that friend or celebrity attractive, and he'd deny it, for decades he denied it. I finally came out to him as poly (though he suspected it all along, I denied it to myself and him) after 2 decades of marriage. Then he finally admitted he'd imagine taking home, undressing and fucking every single attractive woman he'd ever seen. But he was "trying to set a good example" for slutty me!

organza said:

... I tell this to my fiance, there will be no option to stay with him and I don't want to be without him. I could tell him a lot, but this is not that thing. I'm still exploring what is it exactly and how do I feel about it.
Me and my fiance, we share many things and inspire each other a lot, including our early business we started with some other friend and other projects we do and plan to do that are really importnat for me, are actually essential for my personal goals. My general wedding situation is a bit more complicated too but I don't want to give any more detials. We're not taking a church wedding though.

I'd rather be with him and see what happens. I don't care what people think, but I care what he thinks. Besides, I'm being a bit selfish, since I don't think I could accept another woman in our love life... or I haven't grown up to that. I don't know if there's anything more to say.

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It is harder to be on the other side. It's fun to have our own lover! But difficult to see our partner with another lover. At first. You get used to it.

There are books you can read on the topic. Opening Up. More Than Two. The Ethical Slut. morethantwo is a website also.

It's up to you if you want to live a lie and deny your true nature to keep Mr Pretty Good in the dark. The elephant in the room has a tendency to grow though.

Wow, lots of replies.

Some I find really helpful, some not quite understanding. Some I found slightly insulting.

I am the person who knows my fiance the best, of us all here
I don't know what to say more. This forum messed up with my head more than I wanted.
What I know, that like many people I was brainwashed to believe romantic relationships can only happen between two people Also, my presumably poly thing woke up after I've been with my fiance for almost 4 years. Before, I was in two relationships and I didn't have such kind of feelings (at least not conscious). Maybe there is something more about this man...

I have to meditate that trough...

Everyone comes with their opinion from a different view point, a different life story, different experiences. You just need to read responses to your question with an open mind, you came for responses right? They won't always be what you want to hear. But at the same time, you don't always have to take the advice given.

The fear of 'losing' someone you love is something that many people across the world deal with. But you don't own your fiancé, and he doesn't own you. Coming from my own life experience (realising I am poly after 8 years of marriage and two children later...) my advice would be to be upfront and honest. Give some thought to what it is that you want to say to him. It will initially be a shock for him because we are all told that you are to love one person at one time. It's all over mainstream media and just our society model.

Not being yourself now will ultimately cause you more issues further on down the road. Good luck with your decisions. I know it's not easy.

Hi organza,
I apologize if I messed with your mind. Such was not my intention.

My only concern is what happens later on if you try to keep quiet about poly, but the urge to love an additional someone builds and builds? Maybe it won't. Maybe you'll forget about poly after awhile. I'm just saying it might be in your own best interest to consider the possibility.

I feel bad if you have any regrets about starting this thread. Surely somewhere in the back of your mind you wondered what poly people would say? Maybe you were hoping we'd say, "You're engaged, forget all about polyamory!" Maybe that's what your conscience says?

I don't mean to tell you what to do, I just would encourage you to think about these things. You're planning on getting married. That's a huge change in your life.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

kdt26417 said:

Hi organza,
I apologize if I messed with your mind. Such was not my intention.

My only concern is what happens later on if you try to keep quiet about poly, but the urge to love an additional someone builds and builds? Maybe it won't. Maybe you'll forget about poly after awhile. I'm just saying it might be in your own best interest to consider the possibility.

I feel bad if you have any regrets about starting this thread. Surely somewhere in the back of your mind you wondered what poly people would say? Maybe you were hoping we'd say, "You're engaged, forget all about polyamory!" Maybe that's what your conscience says?

I don't mean to tell you what to do, I just would encourage you to think about these things. You're planning on getting married. That's a huge change in your life.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

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Thank you, Kevin. No need to worry about messing with my head
I wrote I need time to meditate on the topic. I didn't expect anything from my post on the forum. I just needed to put it outside myself.
I don't stop my romantic urges, neither I think that marriage is any significant change. I've been living with my fiance long enough to feel like we are married already. Certianly we have some typical behaviour like that Marriage ceremony is something that is more like a party that society likes to have.
My fiance is a foreigner and he spent lots of work, time and money to live together with me and so; as I wrote earlier, we have many important projects that connect us and are important for both of us.

What saddens me is that I learned that he is probably very mono (I find this naming pretty ridiculous ;p) His friend used to be with a girl that he loved maybe even more than he could comprehend. The friend agreed for her to date another guy (!) I don't know the detials, if it was try out on a poly or just a kind of a weird relationship thing.
Long story short, the friend got dumped brutally and left in a pretty bad life situation that he's been struggling with for a long time.
My fiance said he would never go for such a "deal".

So, it's been not long ago that I've relised that maybe there is something more to my "fantasies". I'm still not sure. As I wrote ealier, I'm not keen exactly on him dating other women, and I find it higly improbale anyways, since he's so strongly into being just with me.

I fall for people who impress me in some ways and they are unreachable anyways. So, I still don't know what's going on. I love my fiance, no way I wanted to split up with him.
I'm daring enough to take a risk and see what happens, since I need to be making decisions anyways.

Would you be willing to keep us updated on your situation from time to time? It sounds like you're definitely planning to go ahead with this marriage, with all the chances that entails. I don't have a problem with that, and just wish you the best.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

organza said:

Thank you, Kevin. No need to worry about messing with my head
I wrote I need time to meditate on the topic. I didn't expect anything from my post on the forum. I just needed to put it outside myself.

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It's kind of funny you thought you'd just post something and get no responses.

I don't stop my romantic urges, neither I think that marriage is any significant change. I've been living with my fiance long enough to feel like we are married already. Certianly we have some typical behaviour like that Marriage ceremony is something that is more like a party that society likes to have.

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It's not the party, it's the legal entanglements once one is married. Divorce can be expensive, even if it's amicable.

My fiance is a foreigner and he spent lots of work, time and money to live together with me and so; as I wrote earlier, we have many important projects that connect us and are important for both of us.

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You can have shared business projects and not be married. You could be ... business partners.

What saddens me is that I learned that he is probably very mono (I find this naming pretty ridiculous ;p) His friend used to be with a girl that he loved maybe even more than he could comprehend. The friend agreed for her to date another guy (!) I don't know the detials, if it was try out on a poly or just a kind of a weird relationship thing.
Long story short, the friend got dumped brutally and left in a pretty bad life situation that he's been struggling with for a long time.
My fiance said he would never go for such a "deal".

Click to expand...

Not all poly relationships are alike, just as no two mono relationships are alike. That is why we go to fora and read books, to get the perspective of hundreds or thousands of people, learn from all their experiences, not just one isolated one amongst many.

So, it's been not long ago that I've relised that maybe there is something more to my "fantasies". I'm still not sure. As I wrote ealier, I'm not keen exactly on him dating other women, and I find it higly improbale anyways, since he's so strongly into being just with me.

I fall for people who impress me in some ways and they are unreachable anyways. So, I still don't know what's going on. I love my fiance, no way I wanted to split up with him.
I'm daring enough to take a risk and see what happens, since I need to be making decisions anyways.

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If by daring you mean, close your eyes and jump into the marriage pool, to get a good party and gifts, despite your strong suspicion your lovestyle is at odds with your mate's, good luck. You may well end up like I did. Unhappy, with an angry suspicious and passive aggressive spouse.

Magdlyn said:

It's kind of funny you thought you'd just post something and get no responses.



It's not the party, it's the legal entanglements once one is married. Divorce can be expensive, even if it's amicable.



You can have shared business projects and not be married. You could be ... business partners.



Not all poly relationships are alike, just as no two mono relationships are alike. That is why we go to fora and read books, to get the perspective of hundreds or thousands of people, learn from all their experiences, not just one isolated one amongst many.


If by daring you mean, close your eyes and jump into the marriage pool, to get a good party and gifts, despite your strong suspicion your lovestyle is at odds with your mate's, good luck. You may well end up like I did. Unhappy, with an angry suspicious and passive aggressive spouse.

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I find this very reply quite disrespectful. You can't compare yourself to me and wish me good luck and then giving me such a bad example. I hate that kind of replies. There are sneaky and disrespetcul, as I said.

I wrote that I didn't expect any detailed reply to my post.
You are people living very much outside the box and then some of you question my love and choices and MY personal experience. Also, you seem not to understand the situation I am in. I have to decide one way or another and I love my fiance, that simple.
My parents divorced, so I don't think of a marriage that much, especially that I'm not commiting to any religion.
Well, you'll think what you want!

Kevin, I see you are more understanding. Maybe I decide to message you on PM someday. I can't promise.

I'm not going to publicly post anything here anymore. I had enough of this.
Thanks for all the constructive replies!


BYEEE

Sorry you're not posting on this thread any longer. I respect your decision and am willing to answer PM's.

organza said:

I find this very reply quite disrespectful. You can't compare yourself to me and wish me good luck and then giving me such a bad example. I hate that kind of replies. There are sneaky and disrespetcul, as I said.

I wrote that I didn't expect any detailed reply to my post.
You are people living very much outside the box and then some of you question my love and choices and MY personal experience. Also, you seem not to understand the situation I am in. I have to decide one way or another and I love my fiance, that simple.
My parents divorced, so I don't think of a marriage that much, especially that I'm not commiting to any religion.
Well, you'll think what you want!

Kevin, I see you are more understanding. Maybe I decide to message you on PM someday. I can't promise.

I'm not going to publicly post anything here anymore. I had enough of this.
Thanks for all the constructive replies!


BYEEE

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some people just aren't cut out for the internet

Organza, chill. No one was disrespectful toward you. Realize that if you post messages on the internet, people will respond with their opinions. If you are going to get defensive and shut out any reply you don't like, maybe posting your dilemmas and problems on the internet is not the way to go.