Wife is going to leave me to go mono. Want this to be a healthy transition. Thoughts?

After dating other guys for the last few months my wife has told me she doesn't feel she can settle into polyamory as an on-going thing. She's also fallen in love and wants to leave me so she can live with her lover in a monogamous relationship.

While I'm feeling sad, the situation isn't one I was emotionally unprepared for. We've had some amazing times and some tough times and it was all very much worth it. She says she's doing this for me as well as herself and I do believe we will both be better off in the long run.

I want the transition to living separately to be a happy, healthy one. We both still love each other and want to support each other in this. One thing worries me, however.

My wife says she wouldn't ever want to get a divorce. I know the idea is horrible yet down the line this strikes me as highly problematic. Financially it could cause problems and will be complicated when it comes to insurance, tax, etc. Also, what if either of us wants to get married again? Obviously its early days yet, so she might change her mind. I just can't see why staying married but indefinitely separated would be a good idea.

Healthy transitions are a good goal, and it sounds like you are making the right moves.

My parents had a long separation before they finally divorced. They separated when I was 21, and divorced when I was in my 30's. Sadly not even 10 years later my father passed away, and neither of them had remarried. Oddly for tax purposes it would have been simpler if they hadn't divorced!

Personally, I think you will know when the right time to divorce is. You don't have to make that decision right away. What you should look at soon is getting a separation agreement. A good separation agreement will take care of a lot of it, and smooth the path of the divorce when the time comes.

Halcyeus said:

...I just can't see why staying married but indefinitely separated would be a good idea.

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Personally I can't see it as well. If ONE of you doesn't want to be married, then do you really have a marriage? How long do you give it? (In my case, MrS brought up divorce, I gave it a year to "fix" things - took 3 months - but we were never even separated.)

Are their any financial benefits that staying married confers? Life insurance, health insurance, 401K, etc? That could be part of it...

That would be a hard limit for me. I understand not wanting to romantically or sexually be together anymore due to relationship incompatibility, however I wouldn't want to remain legally bound to someone that I'm not committed to in those ways.

I don't understand why divorce is fundamentally horrible, either. Sometimes it just makes sense. The tax benefits aren't that great (and if you have kids one or both of you might actually get higher returns separately). Insurance seems sticky since you wouldn't necessarily want to be each others' emergency contact (as an employer, I would feel like something is shady if I covered your wife but your wife isn't your contact, for example), but as an individual I'd risk it if one of you NEEDED it. Divorce isn't difficult if you're both on the same page and aren't going to fight about everything.

My ex and I had a wait and see approach to divorce the second time we separated. We figured if one of us needed to get divorced we would. 14 months later we did end up getting back together for several more years.

No way would I stand for this. My guess is she wants some economic benefit that she won't get from her boyfriend. Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too. She's leaving you for her lover.

I am sorry you you are dealing in this but hope it does go as smoothly a parting as possible.

My wife says she wouldn't ever want to get a divorce. I know the idea is horrible yet down the line this strikes me as highly problematic. Financially it could cause problems and will be complicated when it comes to insurance, tax, etc. Also, what if either of us wants to get married again?

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Yup. Problematic.

Obviously its early days yet, so she might change her mind. I just can't see why staying married but indefinitely separated would be a good idea.

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Could it be that she's grieving and wanting to hold on to that idea for now as a way of letting go in baby steps rather than one fell swoop? But remember... She doesn't have to change her mind or ever have to want it.

Because YOU can file for divorce to meet your need to simplify finances, taxes, be able to marry again, etc. YOU don't have to stay married against your will.

Whether you do it like

• separation agreement to cover X time frame
• then file for divorce after that

Or go right to

• file for divorce

That is up to you.

Her initial offer of

• separate
• no separation agreement
• no file for divorce

is her opening offer. You are allowed to politely decline the offer, say that does not work for you, and suggest the two counter offers above for her consideration. Get a mediator if you need one to sort all this out.

Galagirl

GalaGirl said:

Could it be that she's grieving and wanting to hold on to that idea for now as a way of letting go in baby steps rather than one fell swoop?

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I think this might be it. She's gloriously happy about her guy but I do sense she's also finding the speed at which her feelings and circumstances are changing and the implications of what she's wants to be somewhat scary.

Graviton there are some economic benefits like life insurance, though I think she would benefit more from divorce, afaik. And yes, she is leaving me for a lover, which doesn't exactly feel great. The thing is, I can't imagine how getting angry or resentful about it would be at all helpful to anyone. The first night after she told me I could feel that my mind had the potential to go in that direction and I gently steered it away. I can't control how she feels, or who she falls in love with, so I believe its best to accept this and work with it in the spirit of loving-kindness and compassion. What's more, I put her in an odd situation by getting her to try opening up our marriage when she wasn't at all accustomed to polyamory. Its not a huge surprise she reverted to serial monogamy.

According to your first post here, her first date was only six weeks ago! And now she's ready to go be monogamous with him!!!? Of course, you and she have a lot more information than I do, but that seems awfully sudden. It took my ex and I many months to go from talking about breaking up to actually doing it and that was a terrible way to go, so I'm not trying to talk you into anything. But I wanted to point out the discrepancy between the actual timing and your perception of it in case that makes any difference to you. Six weeks ago you seemed very hopeful.

Either way, hugs to you!

rubidoux said:

According to your first post here, her first date was only six weeks ago! And now she's ready to go be monogamous with him!!!? Of course, you and she have a lot more information than I do, but that seems awfully sudden. It took my ex and I many months to go from talking about breaking up to actually doing it and that was a terrible way to go, so I'm not trying to talk you into anything. But I wanted to point out the discrepancy between the actual timing and your perception of it in case that makes any difference to you. Six weeks ago you seemed very hopeful.

Either way, hugs to you!

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Aww, thanks for the hugs. Yes, its all *very* sudden! She tends to be strongly impulsive and has a pattern of making dramatic snap decisions, so this isn't out of character. Still shocked me!

I was hopeful, though I now suspect I may have irreprepably burst the relationship bubble she was in with me by opening the marriage up and this is partly a response to that.

I would take a "wait and see" attitude with all of this. She's known this guy less than two months. Especially given her impulsive nature, I would do my best to remain stable and let her other relationship play out. Patience, grasshopper. No matter what you see before you today, there's a lot more to this unfolding story.

She tends to be strongly impulsive and has a pattern of making dramatic snap decisions, so this isn't out of character. Still shocked me!

I was hopeful, though I now suspect I may have irreprepably burst the relationship bubble she was in with me by opening the marriage up and this is partly a response to that.

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I'm confused. Are you saying she agreed to Open against her will? And this is her back up plan /exit strategy? Hurry up and have another partner in line?

You can wait and see for X amount of time.

But at the same time make some calls in the waiting time about separation agreements and divorce papers. So you have been informed about your choices at this point in time.

Take care of yourself. You sound stunned/shocked.

Galagirl

Hi Halcyeus. I happen to be in the middle of a prolonged separation. In my case, I wanted poly, hubby did not, and we had other issues as well. He moved out ten months ago, but we still haven't decided to divorce. Part of that is because, after 17 years together, we're still very attached to each other, part of it is because he's been busy concentrating on a new business venture and that's where his focus is right now. We really have no assets to fight over, no house car or kids, so divorce should be an easy matter when it comes time.

We still spend a couple of nights a week together. He still introduces me as his wife. We no longer wear our wedding bands. It's weird, but in a way, I'm completely thrilled with this outside-of-the-box relationship. It could evolve into anything from here, we are no longer bound by the rules of what a marriage is supposed to be, and it's sort of freeing. Now, when we piss each other off, we have entire days and nights apart to recover from it. Now when I see him, I'm just so darned happy to see him. He is now able to adjust to the fact that I'm dating on his own time. His mind is less on what I'm doing, and more on building up his own life.

Take your separation for a ride. You might find that your wife remains a part of your life in a big way, or you might come to a time naturally where one or both of you is ready to sign the papers. I think you're absolutely right that there's no need for your separation to be full of anger or resentment. You knew when you started up with poly that your wife falling in love with someone else was a possibility, and that she leaned towards monogamy, and is impulsive.

But I think an important question is, do YOU want a divorce, or are you happy with an indefinite separation? If not, you could always give her, say 6 months to shit or get off the pot.

HappilyFallenAngel said:

I would take a "wait and see" attitude with all of this. She's known this guy less than two months. Especially given her impulsive nature, I would do my best to remain stable and let her other relationship play out. Patience, grasshopper. No matter what you see before you today, there's a lot more to this unfolding story.

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Yes! Think you're right about that! There has to be a lot I'm not seeing yet.

From what I know of the guy she's seeing he is a sensitive sort, which she needs in a relationship. Its crucial. Trouble is he also sounds quite delicate and my wife has a harsh streak. She's suited to people with strong emotional autonomy. Without that the alchemy could fail. From my perspective his delicate nature alone makes it look like a high risk venture to go all in. Right now her NRE is making her thinking so idealistic I don't think she's seeing risks much at all.

The new relationship might not go so well as time moves things forward. If that were to happen sooner, we could get back together and grow stronger from it all. If it were to happen later, say, a year or two down the line, I will likely have started to develop my poly romantic interests into something significant and will be focused on nurturing and protecting that.

Anyway, yes, wait and see for now!

GalaGirl said:

I'm confused. Are you saying she agreed to Open against her will? And this is her back up plan /exit strategy? Hurry up and have another partner in line?

You can wait and see for X amount of time.

But at the same time make some calls in the waiting time about separation agreements and divorce papers. So you have been informed about your choices at this point in time.

Take care of yourself. You sound stunned/shocked.

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She believed opening the marriage was a good idea and agreed to it, although I wanted to maintain the idea initially it was an experiment and we could stop if it got too much. Well, she found it far more emotionally turbulent than she expected and feels she has gotten herself into quite a mess. My impression is that her new relationship isn't a back up plan / exit strategy, though it has served as a release from the emotional troubles first unleashed by me trying a date with someone else.

I keep telling her that we can work things out. I know we could if we both tried. We have come through so much. In response she says she has lost faith that we can be happy together and we are bad for each other, especially that she is bad for me. I hope she's saying that to try to protect me from bad feelings she's having about me because its a negatively skewed view of herself she's presenting and that is painful for me to witness.

I'll wait but I'll also make those calls. That makes a lot of sense.

Thanks. I will take good care of myself and recognize the need to. Even though what is happening isn't all that surprising to me I am certainly shocked.

LoveBunny said:

But I think an important question is, do YOU want a divorce, or are you happy with an indefinite separation? If not, you could always give her, say 6 months to shit or get off the pot.

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LoveBunny your post cheered me up a bit. The kind of scenario you describe for your own separation doesn't sound so bad at all! Whatever happens I want to stay close to my wife, even if its just in a friendship capacity. If that involves being a whole lot more independent of each other, I'm so up for that. We, too, have been together too long not to remain attached.

I don't want a divorce. However, if things do work out with her new relationship then I will later, because it would be part of moving on.

I agree with the PPs who have said that maybe your wife is taking baby steps, and maybe taking a "wait and see" approach might work - at least for a few months.

I can see how getting a divorce would be scary to your wife. I can also see how, for you, staying indefinitely married just doesn't make sense (and I agree with that, I'd be feeling what you feel, but I tend to be a "rip the band-aid off" kind of person).

It sounds like you don't feel like you need a divorce right this second, so would you be comfortable waiting to see where things are in three months? Six? Maybe a year or two?

About her coming back to you - are you sure you'd want that? I know you love her, but from the sound of it, it seems like there might be some major issues in the relationship that you and your wife have together. If I were you, and I met someone new that I felt really serious about, I would definitely devote some time to thinking about how you'd handle things if your wife decides to come back. I'd be a little concerned that if wife saw you having a new wonderful relationship, she might get jealous and/or start seeing all the flaws in her relationship and try to come back to you. If that happened, would you see your wife and the other person as co-primaries? What would you do?

It might be good to also address that with any new relationships you have.

I know that may sound like getting ahead of yourself, but given the way you've described your wife, it sounds like you need to have certain for yourself, and any other possible relationship you have, to make sure that you're doing the best you can emotionally for everybody.

I'm comfortable waiting for a couple of years. After that I'd likely insist on divorce because, well, that's two years separated! If she did want to come back, ah, I would probably love that. However, I have to accept and work with the reality that she is leaving me. Its her decision.

One thing would be different. The 'experiment' phase of trying poly is now definitely over for each of us in our own respective ways and given everything what's happened I would not go back to monogamy. That option is done with. If nothing else, that is what I get. I get to be poly. That's mine now.

As for getting serious with another person, almost certainly I would be strongly protective of that new relationship. She'd have to be really careful. It doesn't matter how much I still love her. Its the principle of the thing.

Ahh, screw it. I've lost her. Altogether the toughest, most audacious and formidible woman I've ever known. Its so sad. There's never going to be anyone like her. All starting to wash over me now. Keep replaying our relationship in my mind, especially the beginning. Its going to have to be friendship. Its been a constant power struggle and ultimately we've ended up holding each other back. We'll be stronger separate.

I am so sorry

Hang in there through this next transition.

Galagirl

Hi Halcyeus,

First let me offer my condolences. Breaking up with your wife has to be sad indeed.

Re (from OP):

"I just can't see why staying married but indefinitely separated would be a good idea."

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Hmmm, I don't get that either; that's confusing.

Maybe it makes sense in light of how sudden this all is?

Re (from A2Poly):

"A good separation agreement will take care of a lot of it, and smooth the path of the divorce when the time comes."

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Hmmm, interesting ... I did not know there was such a thing as a separation agreement. Is it something a lawyer would help you draft up?

Anyway Halcyeus, I just want to reiterate my condolences. You will probably hurt more before you can hurt less. Hang in there buddy.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

((((Huuuugggggg))) if you want it. That really sucks and I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.