Need Advice from someone that can relate. Having a harder time than the other two.

Hi All!

I'm recently in a triad situation and I'm the only person having a struggle. I've been with my husband for 15 years and was expecting (wishing) something completely different in my marriage. Yes monogamy.. I met my husband and he was the only person in the world... fast forward and now we are in a triad. Hubby always wanted an alternative lifestyle and I wasn't opposed to them.

My question.. as the person having the issues and needing a slower pace but the other two do not, how do I get through my issues without spiraling into a hole?

Thank you

I am sorry you struggle.

I find the post a bit vague though. What exactly ARE the issues you are experiencing? Then it might be easier for people to give you feedback you can use.

Are you wanting a monogamous marriage and going along with the triad against your own grain?

Is this about soft limits? Are you able to say "I need a slower pace on (this issue.) Could you be willing to (start doing this beahvior/stop doing that behavior) for X amount of time? Then I could have that amount of time to adjust and catch up." (Soft limits are limits that can loosen up and change over time.)

If you are talking about hard limit, deal breaker kind of stuff... I think it's best everyone know those are hard limit, deal breaker kind of stuff from the start. They will NOT change over time, so no use pretending they might.

Is this about coping with poly hell feelings?

But in general...

as the person having the issues and needing a slower pace but the other two do not, how do I get through my issues without spiraling into a hole?

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You find appropriate ways to EXPRESS yourself and how you are feeling/doing to the appropriate people. That may include seeking a counselor to support you during a life transition time.

You do not hold it in and bottle it up. You do not pretend you are not experiencing this.

Galagirl

Hi. I know I was a bit vague. There are no hard limits, I've come to terms that I'm committed to this relationship. I am not as comfortable yet and it's going to sound strange, but it's still so weird to see my husband with another woman. My mind is turning against me and I feel so inadequate and ugly.

Good advice because I'm totally bottling it in.

So you and her are in a sexual and romantic relationship as well? Is she living with you?

Yes her and I are in a relationship And she lives with us.

Can you tell us more about the situation? Like, how did you guys meet her and how do you feel about her? Are you excited about being with her yourself? Did you feel like you were pushed into it? Do you feel like it's more about them?

she was my secret crush at the store she worked in. She is a lovely woman and I love her. So the wierd thing is, we have only been intimate alone 3 times. I'm excited about her and being with her but I find myself holding back with her until I can get over my obstacles. Her and I have been talking about it and my issues.. she has been wonderful.

You do know that being in a triad does not automatically mean you all have to have threesomes and live together, don't you? If you don't enjoy seeing your husband fuck another woman, don't be there when it's happening. If she lived somewhere else, he could go to her place. Seems like you've made it very hard on yourself by moving her in and being present when they fuck. Why did she move in, and why do you do that?

I am going to ask you some questions for you to think about. You do not have to answer them here. Just... consider them. See if they help you sort.

Are you able to identify feelings?
Are you able to articulate them to yourself or to others clearly?

Why are there no hard limits? Are you comfortable setting limits about what you are and are not up for?

You cannot be wide open access to someone you just started dating/living with. (keys to your house, car, bank account, etc.) Those come over time. Not in a big whoosh. Are you agreeing to things faster than you want? Are you good at saying "No, not at this time." to people?

And some of your things you may never want her to access. (ex: Making decisions about you in hospital like pull the plug or not if you end up on life support. You may want to reserve that decision for you only.)

How long did you date before moving her in? Why move in at this time, rather than later on? Are you compatible for dating but not for cohabitating?

Why is this group practicing a delta triad model? Why is this delta having threesomes?

Do you more naturally want to practice a "V" model with you as the hinge? And them not involved sexually or romantically?

Were you unprepared for the intensity of a delta triad? (Which is basically 3 V's stacked up on top of each other.)

Does this group have the interpersonal and interpersonal skills required?

Is this about adjusting to change? It's normal for things to feel weird in transition. The "old normal" is gone. The "new normal" isn't here yet.

it's still so weird to see my husband with another woman. My mind is turning against me and I feel so inadequate and ugly.

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It just can't be weird cuz it's new? It has to be weird because you stink?

Are you in the habit taking responsibility for things that are actually not your responsibility?

Are you in the habit of beating yourself up? How is this kind behavior toward you?

Are you experiencing jealousy (afraid hubby will take / get what you have now -- your time with the GF)?

Are you experiencing envy (coveting what hubby has for yourself -- wanting to take /get his time with GF for yourself?)

Are you experiencing cognitive dissonance like "I feel jealous/envious of hubby" vs. "I should not feel jealous/envious of hubby cuz he's my hubby" or similar?

I'm excited about her and being with her but I find myself holding back with her until I can get over my obstacles.

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What is your plan for how to get over the obstacles?

Does it occur to you that sometimes HOW you get over your obstacles is by NOT holding back? You jump in and swim even if it gets a little messy or less than graceful at first. You accept you are new and through practice you will develop your swim muscles and get stronger at it.

I think confidence is grown by doing, not by avoiding. Relationships are participatory. So... participate, relate with your people.

HTH!
Galagirl

VioletLight said:

she was my secret crush at the store she worked in. She is a lovely woman and I love her. So the wierd thing is, we have only been intimate alone 3 times. I'm excited about her and being with her but I find myself holding back with her until I can get over my obstacles. Her and I have been talking about it and my issues.. she has been wonderful.

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This all sounds awesome!

Feeling inadequate and ugly is awful. I have those feelings, too, sometimes, and I feel like it can be totally independent of my circumstances, like more of an internal thing. But to the extent that it's about the people/relationships I'm involved with, I've gotten fairly good at talking myself down. One of my partners recently showed me a bunch of pictures of previous and current lovers. My mind immediately went to the fear that I don't measure up. They were all pretty stunning! �� But then I thought, there is concrete evidence that I do measure up. He was there with me by choice after all. At some point it dawned on me that I must be stunning, too, because that seems to be what he goes for. ��. I think I've gotten to the point that I can actually choose to believe I'm hot (or whatever quality it is that I'm worried about) and really go with it.

Sometimes it's more convoluted, though, and I think it would be in your situation, too, as there's probably some NRE between them that feels scary. I have another partner that freaks me out because he's physically intimidating, people who've seen his pics totally have this reaction like "really? that guy that looks like a model is dating YOU?" And sometimes I feel a little insecure about that if I don't watch out. And it doesn't help that he's a terrible communicator and sometimes I feel like he's forgotten about me all together. But even so, it really helps me to look at the evidence and think about it logically. He picked me out and he keeps coming back. I must have something going for me. I may not understand it, but it's real.

I think choosing to believe what all the evidence points to when your insides are screaming "I'm inadequate!" takes practice, but I have gotten better at it and it's a nice thing to be able to do.

ETA: I also agree with galagirl that sometimes pushing past your comfort zone can be a good thing. You might surprise yourself.

And also could be the more you strengthen your relationships with them individually, the more confident you'll feel when you're with them together.

Rubidoux,

You've really gave me things to think about. I have always had low self esteem and when I got with my husband, i put all my self worth on him so I really didn't give myself a chance to like me. But my inadequate feelings don't always go with an action.. it's totally all me.

Hi VioletLight,

Re (from OP):

"My question ... as the person having the issues and needing a slower pace but the other two do not, how do I get through my issues without spiraling into a hole?"

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Well for one thing, it is okay to ask the other two to slow down.

If the problem is a preexisting lack of self-esteem or self-confidence, maybe a few sessions with a poly-friendly counselor would help? Something to think about.

The others have given good advice as well.
Regards,
Kevin T.

VioletLight, would you please answer why you agreed to have this woman move in with you before the relationship was established among all of you, and got to a stable place? And also, why do you subject yourself to watching your husband fuck her if it is uncomfortable and a negative experience for you?

It would just help us to give you good answers/advice if we had more insight into the reasons behind the choices you made.

My guys both live with me, but they definitely do not watch me fuck the other. Our relationships are separate. You don't have to do that, if it makes you feel negative things about yourself!

We aren't in a triad though, we're a V.

That said, nothing I've read says that you have to share group sex for it to be a triad.

I am also very curious about:

How long you have known this woman (can you give your partners nicknames for the ease of communication, BTW?)

When did you and she start dating?

When did you and she start being sexually intimate?

When did she become sexually intimate with your husband, and why?

Why have you and she only had sex 3 times (in however long it's been)?

Why your gf is living with you and your husband?

How long has she been living with you two?

Do you want her to live with you?

Do you not like sexual threesomes?

Are any of you three "allowing" yourselves to have one on one sex now? Who calls the shots on that?

Have you ever had counseling around your low self esteem? Would you benefit from it now?

Do you need to disentangle your psyche from your husband's?