How do I even start to explain??

Thank you all so much for the wonderful advice.
Really, when I said I want my children to make their choices, I really meant I don't want them to grow up with the attitude I had. I was a people pleaser and I wanted my parents to be proud of me. They made it very clear what behaviour they expected of me based on the church's teachings. So I did my best to make them happy. When I went to university I no longer had my parents around me to people please all the time so I went in compleeeeetely the opposite direction. Then when I came home after university it all went back to how it was at the start. It was a very complicated time.

So yes, I want them to make their own choices which they will, just as I did, but I want to be very aware throughout their lives to make sure they know that they don't have to please me and their dad all the time. That's all. But balancing that with doing as I say whilst they are children (I.e. Put your toys away!) is tricky. Parenting is tricky in general. But really if I can raise them to do just one thing, it would be to respect others.
 
By the way, I realise that this has moved from a polyamory topic into a 'beliefs' and 'relationship' and 'parenting' one but this is the best place for throwing my thoughts out there. It's wonderful, thank you for the opportunity.

The polyamory topic will resume once I have told my husband how I feel.
 
I think it's OK, Journey. Modern Polyamory wouldn't exist without the weakening stranglehold of Christianity and the patriarchy in our culture. Women having multiple partners was NOT OK for thousands of years, since men felt they needed to pass down their goods to their biological children only. Kind of like when a new male lion takes over a pride of lionesses, and kills all the offspring from her former mate. Other men have cooties!

In earlier times all men and women could have multiple partners, or temporary encounters. Orgies were even encouraged at Beltane. Sex, wearing masks, in the fields, where a woman might get pregnant by a man other than her husband, if she had one, was felt to be a good thing for the community. It makes sense when you think about it... The tribe raised all children, women didn't depend on "holding on to her man" to assure food and shelter for herself and her babies. Beltane babies were felt to be specially blessed.

We women have been held powerless for about 3000 years. Your little tempest is a microcosm of what is evolving in our culture. Woman power. Freedom from being held back and vulnerable, pregnant over and over again, exhausted, with financial complications surrounding our freedom.

IMO, you'll be setting a GOOD example for your kids. If your husband is comfortable in his place of power as a patriarch in a church that supports this, fine for him. You don't have to agree or support that shit one second longer.
 
And Kevin, you're a dear and you always mean well, but as GG tried to say, Journey should not tell her kids, "Dad believes, I don't." I kinda hate how Christians call non-Christians non-believers, as if a belief in Jesus and Yahweh is the only thing in this freeking universe to believe in!

Journey has her own beliefs. Or maybe, like me, she doesn't have to "believe in" anything. I prefer gnosis, knowing. Based on fact and personal experience, not some invisible sky god who supposedly told some men 2000-2700 years ago what to write about him.
 
I really meant I don't want them to grow up with the attitude I had. I was a people pleaser and I wanted my parents to be proud of me.
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Then you make it so it is ok to tell mom "no" and you model how to accept that with grace. Not pitch a fit about it or guilt trip or whatever.

When I ask my kid to do something, I make sure it's really a choice. Because if she says no, not now, she's watching TV? I cannot bitch about it in my disappointment. I can manage my response more appropriately.

I also respect kid's no about other things -- doesn't want to be tickled right now.

If it is not a choice, I say so up front. Kid has to stop whatever it is and we have to go now in order to make it to the dentist on time. It's not that I'm being bosssy boots, it's the reality of dental cleanings. We have appointments to keep.

it's that spirituality is important to me and always has been, and it feels like something we can no longer share. I don't know how it will affect us in the long run.
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I also wanted to respond to that.

You guys would not be the first interfaith marriage.

Here's a UU resource for that -- it includes journaling exercises to think about.

There are others out there.

But again... go one thing at a time. Don't overload yourself trying to do it all at once.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Then you make it so it is ok to tell mom "no" and you model how to accept that with grace.
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I think, as parents, this is one of the most treasured gifts we can impart on our children. Children won't remember all of the words spoken to them, but they will always remember and often emulate the way a parent carries herself in the home and in the world. Developing your own confidence and self possessed bearing not only gives your own life meaning, but models for your children how to find their own ways in life. Children only do what we tell them to do for so long and before you know it, they are forging their own lives - and often this starts happening long before they leave our house. No matter what happens between you and your husband, you and your church, you and anyone else, model for your children a kind, yet solid and confident adult. Don't worry about micro-managing everything they see, do or hear. Instead, confidently know that how we carry ourselves is what has the greatest impact on our kids. That's my parenting philosophy.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
I think, as parents, this is one of the most treasured gifts we can impart on our children. Children won't remember all of the words spoken to them, but they will always remember and often emulate the way a parent carries herself in the home and in the world. Developing your own confidence and self possessed bearing not only gives your own life meaning, but models for your children how to find their own ways in life. Children only do what we tell them to do for so long and before you know it, they are forging their own lives - and often this starts happening long before they leave our house. No matter what happens between you and your husband, you and your church, you and anyone else, model for your children a kind, yet solid and confident adult. Don't worry about micro-managing everything they see, do or hear. Instead, confidently know that how we carry ourselves is what has the greatest impact on our kids. That's my parenting philosophy.
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And that is what I will aim for too. Thank you for laying that out in such a clear way.
 
Journeyofawakening said:
And that is what I will aim for too. Thank you for laying that out in such a clear way.
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My pleasure.

One of the foundational mind shifts that enables me to embrace both poly and a married family life is to have gotten out from under the very modern day assumption that I am soley responsible for my children's success and happiness. It's a very recent idea that parents should provide an emotional and physical feathered nest for their children. While we've made great strides in improving the lives of many children (labor laws, social services, changing social views on abuse, etc.) we also have gone overboard (IMO) to the point where many parents feel that the weight of our children's future is riding on our shoulders. This premise is not only often oppressive to the point of crippling, but arguably not even good for our kids. I've learned that my kids benefit more when I am not focused on their struggles or on paving the way for them, but instead am taking more of a general stance of confidence in their well being and their ability to craft their own lives. As a suburban mom, the pressure to "be involved" and live for my kids is enormous, but I'm not finding that this approach is making for a very satisfying life for anyone. When I decided to step back, allow my kids to make mistakes, allow myself to be real with them, allow them to be separate from me - this is when my own life took a turn for the better and I think they'd say the same. This change wasn't any conversation specifically, it was more a change in my heart and in my perspective. Everyone was more or less off the hook and responsible for him/herself and the pressure on the family was greatly released. It really helps me to see my kids as capable and making something meaningful out of their experiences, even when I don't get it. They are forging the future and the best gift I can give them in the new world is a role model of a caring, open, emotionally present parent who is making a truly beautiful life for herself.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
My pleasure.

One of the foundational mind shifts that enables me to embrace both poly and a married family life is to have gotten out from under the very modern day assumption that I am soley responsible for my children's success and happiness. It's a very recent idea that parents should provide an emotional and physical feathered nest for their children. While we've made great strides in improving the lives of many children (labor laws, social services, changing social views on abuse, etc.) we also have gone overboard (IMO) to the point where many parents feel that the weight of our children's future is riding on our shoulders. This premise is not only often oppressive to the point of crippling, but arguably not even good for our kids. I've learned that my kids benefit more when I am not focused on their struggles or on paving the way for them, but instead am taking more of a general stance of confidence in their well being and their ability to craft their own lives. As a suburban mom, the pressure to "be involved" and live for my kids is enormous, but I'm not finding that this approach is making for a very satisfying life for anyone. When I decided to step back, allow my kids to make mistakes, allow myself to be real with them, allow them to be separate from me - this is when my own life took a turn for the better and I think they'd say the same. This change wasn't any conversation specifically, it was more a change in my heart and in my perspective. Everyone was more or less off the hook and responsible for him/herself and the pressure on the family was greatly released. It really helps me to see my kids as capable and making something meaningful out of their experiences, even when I don't get it. They are forging the future and the best gift I can give them in the new world is a role model of a caring, open, emotionally present parent who is making a truly beautiful life for herself.
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This is very good advice, and I see it as a sliding scale of how much to be involved according to their age of course. ... Younger, more involved, older, less involved, but provide support and encouragement.
 
This is the kind of info that should be taught before you have children!
Thank you Karen, I really appreciate your thoughts, views and philosophies
 
Well on the church front...things for me are going well. It's nice to have Sunday mornings to myself. The kids didn't want to go to church because it's too loud but they have fun at the kids group when they go. I asked my son what he liked about it and he said playing and doing crafts. So he's not even getting the whole point of it yet. I'm just hoping that my openness and encouragement will mean they won't be too conditioned by it all.

I got a letter in the post this morning from one of the older church leaders. He's a lovely guy and said they all miss me and are longing for my return (noooot gunna happen) but he also said things like that this must be a distressing and difficult time for me and how I must be feeling confused. For a split second I felt angry, then I quickly felt sad and then I kinda laughed. It's weird how they all think I must be in that state. To be honest, I feel great!!! I feel like I have my truth, I know myself better, I believe in something that feels so right to me and makes me feel secure. And I got to that point all by myself.

Anyhow, I felt like sharing that. The telling-husband-I'm-poly will happen this month I should think. I don't feel right hiding something like that. Although I don't speak openly about what I actually believe now because I think that it would be difficult for him to understand. Tricky business doing life with others isn't it!
 
Thanks for the update, Journey. I'm so happy for you and your blossoming confidence/security. Do you have a new community of friends that are more in alignment with your way of seeing things? That really helps when you're going through a transformation. You sound quite grounded and at ease, especially because you are able to just let the church folks have their perspective without getting embroiled in convincing them that you're just fine. I'm curious to hear what resources you have for support, if you care to say.
 
Re (from Journeyofawakening):
"He also said things like that this must be a distressing and difficult time for me and how I must be feeling confused. For a split second I felt angry, then I quickly felt sad and then I kinda laughed. It's weird how they all think I must be in that state."
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Maybe they have to think that in order to shore up their own rationalization for why they participate. Or, maybe not, who knows. All I know is, I remember when I first stopped going to church. Ahhhhh! All of every Sunday, all to myself. What a strange feeling! No more crazy guilt-tripping boredom.
 
I think that is more about him and his pov and/ or his committee work than you and your actuality.

If he is on the board or on the membership committee that is supposed to keep track of numbers that come and go ... Everyone gets the official "welcome to church membership" letter and everyone gets the "sorry you are leaving church membership" letter. It is good to do, but it is also not anything super deep. To me anyway.

Take it kindly. Then let it slide that what he said does not actually apply to you.

Galagirl
 
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HappilyFallenAngel said:
Thanks for the update, Journey. I'm so happy for you and your blossoming confidence/security. Do you have a new community of friends that are more in alignment with your way of seeing things? That really helps when you're going through a transformation. You sound quite grounded and at ease, especially because you are able to just let the church folks have their perspective without getting embroiled in convincing them that you're just fine. I'm curious to hear what resources you have for support, if you care to say.
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I have a few friends online who understand the place that I am in right now. But they live far away. Locally, not so much. Although I haven't had close friends for support since I got married. Or before then even. I connect much better with people online than in person. Perhaps it's the area in which I live. Everyone is too busy to have time for others most of the time. It's really quite a shame.
 
And yes I completely feel that his letter was reflecting his feelings rather than tapping into mine. I guess my questioning my faith reflects on them as leaders as though they haven't done a good enough job to keep me there. But really, I just woke up to a new truth.
 
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