Dating books?

No, I don't mean I want to date book (though I do love books)

But rather, are there any good books on dating that are poly compatible?

I quite like reading poly literature, especially More Than Two. But most of them seem to target people who are already in a relationship, and if they touch on dating at all it's usually still while in a relationship.

I'm single and I don't even know if poly is for me, but I totally agree with the focus on honesty, self-improvement and respect that is integral to ethical poly relationships. And I'd like that kind of thing even if I was just dating or in a mono relationship.

Most of the best selling books on dating seem somewhat unethical, gender biased and incompatible with poly, and just teach people to play games with one another. Pick-up books telling guys to have this fake personality, sneakily insulting women and touching them without their consent, all to trick them into being another notch on the bedpost. Sexist books for women telling them to be manipulative, play very hard to get and use sex as leverage, all to trick a guy into a relationship.

Some bookworms like myself like to read advice books to give confidence, but it's hard to get through a book when it's just telling you to be a horrible person. But seeing as I don't drink, staying at home and reading is still more fun than going out to bars

Anyone read a book on dating that actually promotes acting in a way that would still be valid advice in an honest, ethical, caring poly relationship? Because that's the kind of book I want to read.

Check out our thread on book recommendations over in the Golden Nuggets forum. There are books listed that are poly-focused, and some that are about relationships in general, though written for the larger monogamous society.

The search function here is your friend!

nycindie said:

Check out our thread on book recommendations over in the Golden Nuggets forum. There are books listed that are poly-focused, and some that are about relationships in general, though written for the larger monogamous society.

The search function here is your friend!

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I did my search, and I did find the Master Thread on the Golden Nuggets section, but the link to the book recommendations sticky in the first post of that thread didn't work for me.

I appear to have overlooked another thread in that forum section though. Thanks.

Hi jsimili,

Re:

"The link to the book recommendations sticky in the first post of that thread didn't work for me."

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Do you mean that the link was broken? or that you couldn't find what you were looking for in the book recommendations thread itself?

If it was a broken link issue, see if this works:

Book and Website Recommendations

For my own part, I've never read a dating book much less a poly dating book. I don't know whether any poly dating books exist. Polyamory is still relatively young in modern society, and many poly books remain to be written. If you can't find the kind of book you're looking for, would it be helpful to ask questions about dating right here on this thread? and/or, you could do a search or tag search for "dating." It's not a book, but at least it's something.

The Polyamory Handbook addresses dating. I haven't read this book (or any book on poly) but it has overall positive reviews on Amazon. Personally, I have found every book on dating (of any stripe) to be obnoxious.

BTW, you don't have to drink alcohol to participate in dating activities. "Meeting for drinks" is a standard dating ritual but you don't have to actually drink drink.

kdt26417 said:

Do you mean that the link was broken? or that you couldn't find what you were looking for in the book recommendations thread itself?

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I mean the link seemed broken. The fifth link from the top in this post, specifically.

kdt26417 said:

For my own part, I've never read a dating book much less a poly dating book. I don't know whether any poly dating books exist. Polyamory is still relatively young in modern society, and many poly books remain to be written. If you can't find the kind of book you're looking for, would it be helpful to ask questions about dating right here on this thread? and/or, you could do a search or tag search for "dating." It's not a book, but at least it's something.

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I don't even know what I'd ask though. I've been single my entire life, I have only dated a couple of women, I've tried using OKCupid and Tinder (the former for 4 years, the latter for 1.5, but neither has led to any dates). I just get that feeling that I must be doing something very wrong.

I guess the key question is, how do you meet girls if you don't drink and generally don't go to social gatherings because you find hanging with a few close friends at a sensible hour of the day eating actual food much more rewarding than being in a large crowd of (usually drunk) people, very late at night subsisting on cheap party snacks? But I already know the answer to that: you don't (I'm living proof of it).

HappilyFallenAngel said:

The Polyamory Handbook addresses dating. I haven't read this book (or any book on poly) but it has overall positive reviews on Amazon. Personally, I have found every book on dating (of any stripe) to be obnoxious.

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Thanks for the recommendation, I will check that book out. And yes I've also found the same about every dating book I've read.

HappilyFallenAngel said:

BTW, you don't have to drink alcohol to participate in dating activities. "Meeting for drinks" is a standard dating ritual but you don't have to actually drink drink.

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True, but as I mentioned above I think my issue is actually meeting somebody with whom I want to do any dating rituals (and who feels the same about me, of course). Being a teetotaler affects my meeting women because I usually feel like most social gatherings of 20-somethings involve lots of alcohol. Because I don't think I'd want to date somebody who drinks a lot, I have doubts that those gatherings are likely to be the place to meet somebody who feels likewise.

jsimili said:

I usually feel like most social gatherings of 20-somethings involve lots of alcohol.

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You absolutely don't have to drink to excess or be around people who do in order to date successfully and experience love, no matter what your age. Are you in college?

Re (from jsimili):

"I mean the link seemed broken. The fifth link from the top in this post, specifically."

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Sonofagun, you're right, it is broken. Take note, any mods/admins reading this thread ...

Possibly the thread was moved into another thread? I notice that the link I gave now takes you to, like, Post #25, and the insertion of 24 posts prior to that could explain it. [shrug] Just a wild guess.

How do you find people to date? Since you've already tried OKC and Tinder, maybe it's time to try a couple of new angles. Are there any local poly groups in your area? Making friends in a poly group may eventually lead to a romance or two, who knows.

Other thoughts ...

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations

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Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Anyway there's a few thoughts.

Sorry for the delay between posts.

HappilyFallenAngel said:

You absolutely don't have to drink to excess or be around people who do in order to date successfully and experience love, no matter what your age. Are you in college?

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I agree that it's not necessary to drink, I just think it's working against me. I have pretty much been in college for the last decade (the things it takes to get a PhD these days).

kdt26417 said:

How do you find people to date? Since you've already tried OKC and Tinder, maybe it's time to try a couple of new angles. Are there any local poly groups in your area? Making friends in a poly group may eventually lead to a romance or two, who knows.

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For the most part, I don't find people to date (not sure if question was rhetorical). As far as I can see this is probably the main problem, and with introspect I think my desire to read a book on dating is probably to give me the confidence to go seek out groups of people. I generally don't have any issues talking to girls in the cliche way that nerds do in movies, but I am quite uncomfortable in crowds of people who I don't know.

Ways to meet new people has been something I've been thinking about a lot of late. Somebody once told me to just seek out things you enjoy, and you'll meet people with similar interests along the way. Though when I first heard it, the message I received was that I shouldn't be so desperate to find love and somebody compatible will come along in life sooner or later while I just do what makes me happy. But I'm likely to spend my weekends at home playing video games, tending to my vegetable garden, cooking, working out, reading books or if I do go out it's to the farmer's market, to hike up a hill or taking a road trip. Almost all my contact with my friends is either during classes, via phone/text or online (sometimes they come with me on road trips or hikes). These choices are partly personal preferences, and partly because I live with my parents about 50 minutes away from college (I've thought about moving out and being closer but decided against it for now due to the combination of it costing more money; of my mother being unwell and needing somebody to help her around the house and to drive her to appointments; and with my well established vegetable garden and home gym already set up).

So on reflection, the advice probably should have been to seek out social events are enjoyable even if I don't meet anybody, or something, but I'm only realising this now as I look back on my quiet life that I obviously enjoyed at the time and think how lonely it has been. Yet despite this, I'll probably still spend time doing activities by myself simply because almost everything I enjoy is an activity that is done alone or in very small groups.

I apologise for that long paragraph, but it was cathartic to write.

kdt26417 said:

Other thoughts ...

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Anyway there's a few thoughts.

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These are good ideas. I did join a few clubs on campus that I was interested in (gardening, hiking, rockclimbing etc) but their events conflicted with my classes so much that they ended up mostly being a waste of the joining fee.

Even though I'm not necessarily seeking somebody who is currently in, or seeking to be in, a poly relationship, I don't think I'd be compatible with somebody who was ethically opposed to the idea of poly (even if she doesn't think it's something she would want).

kdt26417 said:
How do you find people to date?

jsimili said:

"For the most part, I *don't* find people to date (not sure if question was rhetorical)."

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kdt26417 says:
Yeah, rhetorical, in the sense that I was asking myself (or all of us), technically. "How does anyone find people to date," essentially.

Re:

"I am quite uncomfortable in crowds of people who I don't know."

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So, maybe your best bet is to look for small groups of people that you can get to know?

To do this, I you might want to invest yourself in some new interests. Either that or maybe you could chat with people in between classes? Maybe invite someone to have lunch or coffee with you? or to join you on a road trip, or a hike. That works.

Due to your classes, I'm thinking you have a crowded schedule which makes it more difficult to make time to get out there and meet people. Perhaps your luck will improve after you get your degree?

I'm nowhere near being a dating expert, but, those were some of the thoughts I had upon reading your new post.

kdt26417 said:

So, maybe your best bet is to look for small groups of people that you can get to know?

To do this, I you might want to invest yourself in some new interests. Either that or maybe you could chat with people in between classes? Maybe invite someone to have lunch or coffee with you? or to join you on a road trip, or a hike. That works.

Due to your classes, I'm thinking you have a crowded schedule which makes it more difficult to make time to get out there and meet people. Perhaps your luck will improve after you get your degree?

I'm nowhere near being a dating expert, but, those were some of the thoughts I had upon reading your new post.

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Probably a good idea to cultivate some new interests, but it's hard to do now with little money. I do chat to people between classes but that's pretty much limited to people who are in my classes, so doesn't count as meeting new people really (and my classes are quite small postgraduate classes, and I haven't really felt any attraction towards any girls in those classes).

To be honest I worry that things will become harder after I graduate. Though I'm sure to meet new people once I get a job, I worry that full time employment will take up more of my time than studying has.

Right, but you'll be in better financial shape, don't you think?

jsimili said:

Somebody once told me to just seek out things you enjoy, and you'll meet people with similar interests along the way . . . I'm likely to spend my weekends at home playing video games, tending to my vegetable garden, cooking, working out, reading books or if I do go out it's to the farmer's market, to hike up a hill or taking a road trip . . . I'll probably still spend time doing activities by myself simply because almost everything I enjoy is an activity that is done alone or in very small groups.

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Hmm, I don't see many of your activities as devoid of the chance to meet someone. A Farmer's Market is a place where lots of people gather, as are bookstores or the library, the parks, cooking classes, etc.

Let's see... I've dated guys I met in the grocery store, the laundromat, the subway (seriously!), in the street, in pubs and restaurants, walking group in the park, concerts, someone's party, a lecture... all you need do is be open to the possibility and it can happen nearly anywhere.

nycindie said:

Let's see... I've dated guys I met in the grocery store, the laundromat, the subway (seriously!), in the street, in pubs and restaurants, walking group in the park, concerts, someone's party, a lecture... all you need do is be open to the possibility and it can happen nearly anywhere.

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Interesting. I guess it is possible. If you don't mind me asking, if a guy comes up and talks to you in one of those scenarios, what's makes him somebody you'd agree to date versus a guy who creeps you out or irritates you while you're just going about your business? That is, what advice would you give a guy who is rather afraid he's going to come off like said creepy and irritating guy.

jsimili said:

... what advice would you give a guy who is rather afraid he's going to come off like said creepy and irritating guy.

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Confident + Light Hearted + Sincerely Interested = Charming


That's what does it for me, anyway.

jsimili said:

. . . what advice would you give a guy who is rather afraid he's going to come off like said creepy and irritating guy.

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Well, I would say that the best way for a guy not to come off as creepy is to make sure to initiate a conversation rather than just walk up to a woman and ask her out. It doesn't have to be earth-shatteringly profound, as long as the guy looks her in the eyes and isn't constantly staring at her cleavage! Conversing with her, even if awkward, demonstrates an interest in who she is, and in getting to know her. Just asking her out without any preliminary conversation makes it clear that it's only her looks that prompted getting hit on, and that telegraphs the message that the guy is shallow and after only one thing.