Hello :)

Hi guys. I'm new. To this forum and to the concept of polyamory.

I'm 30, lesbian and single.

I met this girl that I really like. One day I asked her if she had ever had a threesome or had considered it and she said no. Then a few days later she brings up polyamory and we start talking about it.

I've signed up to this forum because I really want to learn about all the aspect of poly relationships and especially lesbian triads before I invest further into a relationship with someone who really wants a triad eventually.

I hope that made sense.
Anyway, hi.

Greetings californiaa,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There's a lot you can learn about polyamory here; just dig right in, and let us know if you have any questions. There won't be a whole lot on lesbian triads, but there will be a lot of general principles that can apply to your situation.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Welcome Californiaa

kdt26417 said:

Greetings californiaa,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

There's a lot you can learn about polyamory here; just dig right in, and let us know if you have any questions. There won't be a whole lot on lesbian triads, but there will be a lot of general principles that can apply to your situation.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Click to expand...

Thank you Kevin. I've noticed in general there isn't much on lesbian triads but I would like to learn as much as I can anyway. Thanks for the warm welcome.

MoostacheKitteh said:

Welcome Californiaa

Click to expand...

Thank you!

How common are triads vs vee relationships?

Are there any stable and functioning triads on this forum?

Do vees work better? Especially if it's M>F<F?

Where does the jealousy that is likely to happen stem from in triads? Two people spending more time together?

californiaa said:

How common are triads vs vee relationships?

Are there any stable and functioning triads on this forum?

Do vees work better? Especially if it's M>F<F?

Where does the jealousy that is likely to happen stem from in triads? Two people spending more time together?

Click to expand...

Welcome I think most here would probably say that vees work better because it's not as likely that all three people will be attracted to one another & develop feelings for one another. Also, if one of the couples break up in a triad, it makes things at least slightly uncomfortable if the other person continues a relationship with both. A casual or friends with benefits sort of sexual triad may seem more stable.

All that said, I've been a leg in two vees and part of a triad with my bf, Blue. The first vee was the most difficult because the other woman really just wanted Blue to herself. I've not yet met Blue's new gf, so I don't know how this vee will work.

Blue & I were in a triad with Snow for about 6 months. I will readily admit that I felt some jealousy and insecurity in the beginning. Meeting Snow & spending time with her, helped tremendously. After we spent a little time without Blue, the jealousy & insecurity all but dissipated. For her part, Snow didn't experience jealousy so much as insecurity in the beginning (because Blue & I had already established a connection & she felt like the new person coming in.) We didn't really intend for it to be a triad... things just developed that way. It was a very beautiful thing & I'd be open to experiencing it again, given the opportunity.

As for how the jealousy presents itself, I think that's unique to each individual. The thought of Blue & Snow being intimate didn't make me jealous/insecure like it might others... but her spending the night at his house when I couldn't did initially. The first overnight we all shared, I had some jealousy when I woke up in the middle of the night and neither one was in bed (but instead were cuddled up in another room.) And, the first time they spent a weekend away together was difficult (we were still a vee at that point.) Blue admits to feeling some jealousy and insecurity when Snow & I first became intimate apart from him. The key to working it out for us was communication, honesty, and more communication! Plus, working on ourselves. I know that the main components of my jealousy are fear of abandonment and inadequacy. And fear that he'll like the other woman better.

But, that's just my experience. Everyone's is unique

I hope you find this forum as helpful and welcoming as I have!

Re (from californiaa):

"How common are triads versus vee relationships?"

Click to expand...

They're probably not *as* common, but they're not unheard-of.

Re:

"Are there any stable and functioning triads on this forum?"

Click to expand...

Hmmm, I have to admit, it's hard to think of any active members right off hand. Someone recently joined who's in a functioning triad, but I forget their username.

Re:

"Do vees work better? Especially if it's M>F<F?"

Click to expand...

I think that depends entirely on the people involved -- and on whether the form of relationship is allowed to develop naturally (rather than according to some prefabricated blueprint). Personally I am in an M>F<M vee; it seems to work just fine.

Re:

"Where does the jealousy that is likely to happen stem from in triads? two people spending more time together?"

Click to expand...

Jealousy has a wide range of possible causes. Some are internal, some are external. One common cause is some need someone has that isn't being met. It's also possible that someone is truly being treated unfairly. That will often cause jealousy.

The type of triad we often see that is problematic is a "unicorn triad," typically composed of a married M=F couple with a hetero husband and a bi wife, with a second bi female added on as a secondary partner. The problem is that the secondary partner is often treated really unfairly, expected to do all kinds of unrealistic things, and not offered much in return. This typically happens because the M=F couple wants to protect their marriage and doesn't want to expose it to too much polyamory.

It's common for the wife in such a triad to feel jealous about the secondary partner, usually because the secondary partner is seen as a threat to the marriage, and often because the secondary partner fails to live up to all the expectations (such as being equally in love with both the husband and the wife).

If you haven't read the book "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, you might want to check it out, it's a really good book and helps you avoid a lot of the pitfalls that could happen in a triad.

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hi! I’m back. Shortly after joining I got into a monogamous relationship which I am still in. Almost three years later, I still feel like I’m poly. She doesn’t accept it. I can’t even talk about it. So I’m here. I feel like it may be the only safe place. Unless you all know of another forum or Facebook group that may be good too. I don’t know what to do about my current situation.

Hi Californiaa - and welcome back to the Forum! I will leave the advice to the more experienced poly folks here - but will encourage you to post specific questions and thoughts to the Poly Relationships Corner and General Poly Discussions sections in a new thread. The sections are quite active and you are most likely go get some helpful responses.

From what I've read, this is most likely the poly forum with the most experienced and helpful participants. The level of discussion is generally quite intelligent, and thoughtful. If you decide at some point to get involved in poly locally, you might want to use Google to search out local groups, including local poly FB groups. Best of luck on our journey! Al

Hi californiaa,

Thanks for updating your situation; I'm sorry that your current partner is so unaccepting of your poly. Polyamory.com should be a safe place to vent your feelings and get help in the form of advice and support.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.