Fear & Insecurity when your partner is in NRE

My partner, Blue, is in a new relationship with a woman I'll call Red. He's spending more time with her and on the phone with her. The result is that there's less time for us (which isn't a bad thing persay as we spend a lot of time together... not married and not living together but together every day.) Red is many things that Blue likes that I'm not... which isn't a bad thing. But, the result is that my old insecurities about not being pretty enough, smart enough, etc are resurfacing. On top of that, I'm having a lot of drama with one of my kids. Blue's been great. He's supportive, helpful, etc. But I also know that the drama is wearing on him. I know that he loves me. He shows me every day. And I know that the NRE and happiness he's feeling with her doesn't diminish his feelings for me. But, I'm finding my fears of abandonment and rejection are re-surfacing. Like I'm more trouble than I'm worth. He assures me that's not the case. But, I feel an emotional distance between us. I don't know if I'm imagining it, creating it, or perceiving it correctly. It's like the more I feel like this and the more we talk about my feelings, the more I feel like I"m sucking the joy out of our relationship. I know the problem is with me and I know it's mine to work out. But, I'm stuck in a spiral of fear and insecurity It's intensified by the fact that she doesn't want to meet me any time soon. I know that's her right, especially considering their relationship is new. And, I know that it's temporary (Blue likes for his girlfriends to at least be friendly/civil with one another, preferably able to spend time together occasionally.)

For those more experienced at this than me, how do you get yourself out of the downward spiral? I am in therapy but she's not a poly therapist and isn't very helpful with this.

PinkPig said:

I don't know if I'm imagining it, creating it, or perceiving it correctly. It's like the more I feel like this and the more we talk about my feelings, the more I feel like I"m sucking the joy out of our relationship. I know the problem is with me and I know it's mine to work out. But, I'm stuck in a spiral of fear and insecurity

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This kind of thing happens in mono relationships all the time, just different triggers, so this is not a poly thing specifically. There is no difference between imagining, creating or perceiving correctly or incorrectly - what you believe is what you believe is what you'll create in your relationship. You can ask for reassurance from him and from the "hers" till you and he and they are blue in the face but it won't make an ounce of difference and take root until the reassurance has somewhere fertile to fall in you. So going to your BF and your metas to soothe your worries gives temporary relief at best. Whether the metas want to be friends really has no bearing on YOUR security. Security comes from within you and emanates outward into your relationships. Relationships just reflect what is inside you.

There have been many suggestions lately regarding the various ways people find their inner security. What works for one might seem nuts to another. What seems nuts to one might be just the ticket for someone else. Whatever your method, know that dealing with fear and insecurity is an inside job, no matter if you're poly, mono, in a LTR, dating - no matter what the circumstances in your partner(s) lives. Don't get caught up in what he's going through (NRE, boredom, elation, etc.) Security is inner peace and that is always yours. Always.

To answer your question about specifics, I would be a puddle of mush without a spiritually based yoga practice. For me, a regular strong yoga practice and yoga community keeps my mind, body and spirit all working together and I have a clear, constant sense of peace, no matter what is going on around me. And because I have a strong inner peace, my relationships rarely veer off into crazy or even unpleasant territory. I started yoga when I was going through a very challenging time regarding relationships. Some days, I just dragged myself to class because I didn't know what else to do and some days I cried through half the class. But the wisdom and wonder that is yoga enveloped me and my life not only got better but blossomed in amazing ways. That's me, though. You will find what works for you.

Hi PinkPig,

Re (from OP):

"I am in therapy but she's not a poly therapist and isn't very helpful with this."

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There are a few links you can use to search for poly therapists:

• http://openingup.net/open-list/
• http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/main.php
• http://www.lovemore.com/blog/?page_id=1585
• https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

That aside, I don't know what would help with your ... is it flagging self-esteem, or do you feel like Blue isn't meeting your basic needs in a relationship? The latter can be worked on by directly asking Blue for what you need. The former ... that's trickier ... I guess you need some kind of self-affirmation.

I am sorry you struggle.

I notice you use "feel" rather than "think" in some places. That sometimes helps create confusion. Could save "I feel" for actual feeling words like "happy, sad, mad, etc." Label your thoughts with "I think."

To me it becomes...

My partner, Blue, is in a new relationship with a woman I'll call Red. He's spending more time with her and on the phone with her. The result is that there's less time for us.

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Since there is less time, have you asked for better quality time spent with you?

I don't know if I'm imagining it, creating it, or perceiving it correctly. It's like the more I feel like this...

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What is "this?" You do not actually identify the feelings.

• Lonely?
• Missing having dibs on all his free time?
• Bored and stuck in a rut with family life?

and the more we talk about my feelings, the more I THINK I'm sucking the joy out of our relationship.

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Then stop talking? Start doing?

To me it sounds like you want to spend some quality time with him doing something JOYFUL rather than talking about the kid problems or talking about the adjustment to him dating Red.

You frame it like worrying you are not as good as her in whatever... but I wonder if you are not envious of HIM? That he's having joyfulness with his NRE with her right now, while you are having kid/parenting ugh right now?

I see where you are talking back to the "popcorn thoughts" that pop up with some self-reassurance:

The result is that there's less time for us (which isn't a bad thing persay as we spend a lot of time together... not married and not living together but together every day.)

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she doesn't want to meet me any time soon. I know that's her right, especially considering their relationship is new. And, I know that it's temporary (Blue likes for his girlfriends to at least be friendly/civil with one another, preferably able to spend time together occasionally.)

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I know that he loves me. He shows me every day. And I know that the NRE and happiness he's feeling with her doesn't diminish his feelings for me.

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This is a good skill. But maybe it's falling a little flat because you aren't addressing the feeling that is really bugging you?
I am not seeing where you are asking directly for quality time with Blue doing something joyful. To help quell the fear of abandonment and the blaaahs.

Like... less talk. (either you talking yourself down or Blue talking you down from Anxiety Hill.)

More action. (like you guys planning a date to do something JOYFUL together.)

Galagirl