Bi =/= Poly

LoveBunny said:
I haven't had any problems with people assuming because I'm bi that I can't be monogamous. I guess because the only time I've tried to be monogamous (with my husband) I managed for well over a decade. However, I constantly deal with having my bisexuality disregarded completely. Because I don't wear short spikey hair or tattoos or any other obvious symbols of female homosexuality, because I wear skirts and make up, it's automatically assumed I'm heterosexual and I'm treated accordingly. Even when I tell people I'm bi, they don't seem to hear me. My love for women is rarely taken seriously, even when I've had girlfriends.

In queer literature, they call this "bisexual erasure,' and it's a bit different for men. While people assume bi women are mostly straight making forays into lesbianism, bi men are assumed to be gay making forays into heterosexuality. This from both straight and gay people.



I'm the first to admit my attraction is different for each gender. Things that would be attractive to me in a female wouldn't attract me to a male, and I'm typically turned off by androgyny, I've never been attracted to anyone transgender though I've known many, so I have a hard time saying "I'm attracted to the person, not what's between their legs." I'm attracted to femininity in women, masculinity in men. That's why I don't call myself "pansexual," but "bisexual."

Would I be happy being with just one gender for the rest of my life? I don't know. I have a hard time imagining being totally fulfilled if I was just with men or just with women, but I suppose for the right person/people, sure. I've done monogamy long-term before, I suppose it could happen again.
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LoveBunny,this is me, as well. I hadn't heard the term "bisexual erasure" before, but it is exactly right. I am often not taken seriously in the lesbian community because, while I am very athletic and outdoorsy, I am also what is deemed by our society as feminine and attractive. And, like you, my attractions tend towards what our society recognizes as masculinity in men and femininity in women (my total addiction and downfall is "artsy" in either case, though! :D), though there is some crossover in that I prefer low-maintenance appearance in both.

It is also often assumed by males who are interested in me that they will get "bonuses" from me being bi that include access to my girlfriends, crazy sexual escapades with at least one other woman present, etc. This has been a total PitA in dating, and takes some serious weeding out of folks!
 
GreenAcres said:
. . . while I think being bi makes it easier to be poly in one respect . . .
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There is that automatic assumption many people leap to, that if a woman admits she is a polyamorist, then she must be bisexual.

I remember talking about polyamory to a guy I'd just met in a social setting. I asked him if he knew what it was; he wasn't sure. I told him how poly is about having multiple partners, yadda yadda. His reaction was so cool and he seemed really understanding and a little interested in me, even flirty. Then he said something about me being with other women, how I meet them, or some such remark, and I was very surprised. He didn't even ask what my orientation was; he simply assumed I must be bi. I looked at him and said, "Oh no, I'm straight."

Well, the look of disgust that instantly came over his face was rather jarring. I could see his thought process - that one woman would want more than one penis, well, what a whore I must be! But another chick? Cool.
 
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nycindie said:
There is that automatic assumption many people leap to, that if a woman admits she is a polyamorist, then she must be bisexual.

I remember talking about polyamory to a guy I'd just met in a social setting. I asked him if he knew what it was; he wasn't sure. I told him how poly is about having multiple partners, yadda yadda. His reaction was so cool and he seemed really understanding and a little interested in me, even flirty. Then he said something about me being with other women, how I meet them, or some such remark, and I was very surprised. He didn't even ask what my orientation was; he simply assumed I must be bi. I looked at him and said, "Oh no, I'm straight."

Well, the look of disgust that instantly came over his face was rather jarring. I could see his thought process - that one woman would want more than one penis, well, what a whore I must be! But another chick? Cool.
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That's a very good point, and one I have found, as well. I happen to be bi, but it frequently doesn't come up on my end, but rather on the end of others who assume I clearly must be if I am poly. And, of course, it's assumed I'd have one "real" relationship with a guy, and then just sleep around with women. Which is cool because obviously if there's no penis with girl-on-girl then there's no real relationship, and girl-on-girl is hot, and ergo no threat of...penis. :rolleyes: And, like you've experienced, it's regarded as totally fine to want to sleep with women and A man if you're a woman (again, that's hot!), but you're a total whore if you want to have any kind of romantic relationship or sexual relationship with more than one penis.

Slut-shaming, based on puritanical values that think a woman is made "unclean" if she has sex with more than one man pervades our society, unfortunately, and this is a definite carry-over.
 
LoveBunny said:
I'm the first to admit my attraction is different for each gender. Things that would be attractive to me in a female wouldn't attract me to a male, and I'm typically turned off by androgyny, I've never been attracted to anyone transgender though I've known many, so I have a hard time saying "I'm attracted to the person, not what's between their legs." I'm attracted to femininity in women, masculinity in men. That's why I don't call myself "pansexual," but "bisexual."
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I find this to be true for myself as well...even though that doesn't come out in my Intro thread quote, I do talk about it in the "Bi/Pan/Poly-sexual" thread.
 
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nycindie said:
Well, the look of disgust that instantly came over his face was rather jarring. I could see his thought process - that one woman would want more than one penis, well, what a whore I must be! But another chick? Cool.
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I hate that this is so common amongst men. It's so sexist. I also find that some people (of both sexes) who find out you are in a MFM V assume the men must also be bi.
 
Well coming from one all-hetero MFM V, I'm living proof of that stereotype being mistaken.
 
nycindie said:
There is that automatic assumption many people leap to, that if a woman admits she is a polyamorist, then she must be bisexual
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I hate that. I am hetero. I have no interest in women.

The other assumption I hate is polyamorous women are promiscuous.
 
Dagferi said:
I hate that. I am hetero. I have no interest in women.

The other assumption I hate is polyamorous women are promiscuous.
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It's also assumed that if you're a bi woman you're promiscuous. The reality is that I think judging women on how many people they have sex with (or don't have sex with) is ridiculous and offensive regardless, but people who find out I am bi tend to do it even moreso.
 
GreenAcres said:
It's also assumed that if you're a bi woman you're promiscuous. The reality is that I think judging women on how many people they have sex with (or don't have sex with) is ridiculous and offensive regardless, but people who find out I am bi tend to do it even moreso.
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It's also widely assumed that if you're a gay man you're promiscuous.
 
HappilyFallenAngel said:
It's also widely assumed that if you're a gay man you're promiscuous.
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You are definitely correct that it's often assumed gay men sleep with a lot of partners.

I really dislike even the word "promiscuous," as it implies there's some magical number of people it's okay to sleep with, defined by the person using the word, and that anyone sleeping with more people than that is somehow immoral/unclean/lesser.
 
Generally, the word promiscuous does not only have to do with the number of sexual partners one has, but also that the liaisons are seen to be indiscriminate and/or casual.

I was trying to explain polyamory to a co-worker recently and she kept making remarks about how she could never "just spread her legs for anybody who comes along," no matter how many times I said it wasn't about that. She kept responding with, "Well, for me sex is sacred." I finally asked her, "Just because I can have sex with more than one person in my life, what makes you think that it isn't sacred for me, too? What makes you think I am not interested in developing deep relationships with the people I have sex with?" She was stymied.

People who cannot wrap their brains around the idea that one can have several deep, loving, and sexual relationships at once will assume they are all casual and random. To them, polyamory equals promiscuity.
 
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nycindie said:
Generally, the word promiscuous does not only have to do with the number of sexual partners one has, but also that the liaisons are seen to be indiscriminate and/or casual.

I was trying to explain polyamory to a co-worker recently and she kept making remarks about how she could never "just spread her legs for anybody who comes along," no matter how many times I said it wasn't about that. She kept responding with, "Well, for me sex is sacred." I finally asked her, "Just because I can have sex with more than one person in my life, what makes you think that it isn't sacred for me, too? What makes you think I am not interested in developing deep relationships with the people I have sex with?" She was stymied.

People who cannot wrap their brains around the idea that one can have several deep, loving, and sexual relationships at once will assume they are all casual and random. To them, polyamory equals promiscuity.
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The word has such a negative connotation, though, and one I don't agree with. Casual sex between consenting adults isn't inherently negative or immoral. It's not something I choose for many reasons, but the term has such judge-y connotations that it's come to really bother me.

That said, you are right, most of the people I meet who aren't poly assume something more akin to swinging, or indiscriminate fucking. It's often just so beyond them to imagine anything else, because they have the love-as-a-pie view (and, often, have internalized the competitive view of love so pervasive in our society).

The "sex is sacred" thing, meaning it can only be "sacred" if it's hoarded, comes from the same thought process as "giving" and "taking" of virginity. IMHO, it's so unhealthy. Have you seen the spit-in-the-glass thing? Ugh.
 
nycindie said:
Yeah, when she made that remark about sex being sacred, I almost said, "Haven't you ever heard of temple prostitutes?" But I didn't want her head to explode.
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:D This is going to keep me smiling all night!
 
Another common issue I face is that because I am bi, clearly, I find everyone attractive! Which is total crap. I find almost no one sexually or romantically attractive. I'm just as likely to find either sex attractive (well, actually, I am more likely to find a woman attractive), but I am unlikely to find either. I find a lot of people aesthetically pleasing, which isn't the same thing.

This is a huge issue in poly, of course, because it tends to lead to the inevitable triad thing: "Oh, well, you're bi, so obviously you'll find my SO attractive!" No, no, I almost certainly won't.
 
It's one of the abstinence-only education, "sex is dirty" lessons. You can read more here.
 
Nice. The Republican Party might not be good for much, but at least they bring us abstinence programs! :rolleyes:
 
I should note that it's not really intended to be political (though I happen to agree with you), but more a commentary on how messed up our society's view of sexuality is.
 
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