Is this a poly relationship?
- Thread starter jess82
- Start date
Okay...
Ala- first, how are you being "attacked"? People are disagreeing with you. That isn't an attack. It's disagreement. And how is disagreeing with you--or even attacking, if that were happening--"not poly"? One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Last time I checked, no definition of polyamory includes "doesn't disagree with other people online."
Second, how does "taking someone's word" equate to "not being poly"? Isn't polyamory partly about trust and honesty? And I've never seen a definition of polyamory that includes "meets metamours and discusses all rules and regulations."
For the first three months of my relationship with S2, he and Hubby only had my word that the other existed. Both of them took that word because they love me and knew I love them, so they trusted me to be honest with them.
The definition of polyamory is, very simply, "Having multiple loving/romantic relationships." Nothing about not arguing or disagreeing with other people in discussions online. Nothing about being required to meet a partner's other partners. Nothing about having rules. There isn't even anything about "having the agreement of all parties", though that's generally accepted as part of it since polyamory is supposed to be *ethical* nonmonogamy, meaning everyone knows and agrees what's going on.
But you don't have to sit down and have a whole big rules discussion with all participants for that agreement to exist. Hubby agreed to me seeing S2 when I said, "Hey, I've met this guy and would like to start seeing him" and Hubby said, "Sure, go ahead." S2 agreed to the situation by implication when he started messaging me, since my profile on that website clearly states that I'm married, and he agreed explicitly when I said, "I want to make sure you understand that I'm married and staying that way" and he said, "Yes, I understand."
As I said earlier in this thread, while my guys have met, we didn't talk about rules--or even about the relationship at all--over that dinner. We just chatted.
You're making your own definition of polyamory, which is totally fine if it works for you, but you don't have the right to expect everyone else in the universe to live their lives according to your definitions.
Ala- first, how are you being "attacked"? People are disagreeing with you. That isn't an attack. It's disagreement. And how is disagreeing with you--or even attacking, if that were happening--"not poly"? One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Last time I checked, no definition of polyamory includes "doesn't disagree with other people online."
Second, how does "taking someone's word" equate to "not being poly"? Isn't polyamory partly about trust and honesty? And I've never seen a definition of polyamory that includes "meets metamours and discusses all rules and regulations."
For the first three months of my relationship with S2, he and Hubby only had my word that the other existed. Both of them took that word because they love me and knew I love them, so they trusted me to be honest with them.
The definition of polyamory is, very simply, "Having multiple loving/romantic relationships." Nothing about not arguing or disagreeing with other people in discussions online. Nothing about being required to meet a partner's other partners. Nothing about having rules. There isn't even anything about "having the agreement of all parties", though that's generally accepted as part of it since polyamory is supposed to be *ethical* nonmonogamy, meaning everyone knows and agrees what's going on.
But you don't have to sit down and have a whole big rules discussion with all participants for that agreement to exist. Hubby agreed to me seeing S2 when I said, "Hey, I've met this guy and would like to start seeing him" and Hubby said, "Sure, go ahead." S2 agreed to the situation by implication when he started messaging me, since my profile on that website clearly states that I'm married, and he agreed explicitly when I said, "I want to make sure you understand that I'm married and staying that way" and he said, "Yes, I understand."
As I said earlier in this thread, while my guys have met, we didn't talk about rules--or even about the relationship at all--over that dinner. We just chatted.
You're making your own definition of polyamory, which is totally fine if it works for you, but you don't have the right to expect everyone else in the universe to live their lives according to your definitions.
Re (from aLABiMCpl):
Huh? What are my fears? I don't get it.
Re:
If the husband doesn't know about his wife's involvement with Jess, or if the husband knows but doesn't consent, then I agree it's not polyamory. (And not swing either.)
But we can't just assume those things about the husband. The wife claims he knows about it and consents. The wife may or may not be telling the truth. My guess was that she was telling the truth, although I admit I wouldn't stake my life on it.
I don't mind being wrong, *but show me the proof.* Right now I think we just have guesswork and speculation. How do I know Jess's lover is lying about her husband?
My original statement was, "Sounds poly to me." I stand by that statement. It *sounds* like poly. To me. Based on the information I have so far.
That aside, if this lover was lying about her husband, we wouldn't have swing here; we'd have a clandestine affair. Ethical swingers don't lie to each other any more than ethical polyamorists lie to each other.
Huh? What are my fears? I don't get it.
Re:
If the husband doesn't know about his wife's involvement with Jess, or if the husband knows but doesn't consent, then I agree it's not polyamory. (And not swing either.)
But we can't just assume those things about the husband. The wife claims he knows about it and consents. The wife may or may not be telling the truth. My guess was that she was telling the truth, although I admit I wouldn't stake my life on it.
I don't mind being wrong, *but show me the proof.* Right now I think we just have guesswork and speculation. How do I know Jess's lover is lying about her husband?
My original statement was, "Sounds poly to me." I stand by that statement. It *sounds* like poly. To me. Based on the information I have so far.
That aside, if this lover was lying about her husband, we wouldn't have swing here; we'd have a clandestine affair. Ethical swingers don't lie to each other any more than ethical polyamorists lie to each other.
aLABiMCpl
New member
This is supposed to be an Adult Group, act like one.
Poly simplified:
That means:
You treat the whole as you would if it were just 2 people in a "traditional" relationship.... "traditional" not being dysfunctional.
So:
Loving, open, honest, non-judgemental, inclusive, all-in, together, forever, for life, shared responsibility, etc.
If that scares you, then face yourself instead of scapegoating others so you can stay in denial.
- FACT! -
Poly simplified:
A couple that consists of more than 2.
That means:
You treat the whole as you would if it were just 2 people in a "traditional" relationship.... "traditional" not being dysfunctional.
So:
Loving, open, honest, non-judgemental, inclusive, all-in, together, forever, for life, shared responsibility, etc.
If that scares you, then face yourself instead of scapegoating others so you can stay in denial.
- FACT! -
IndieSolo
Active member
Well, that is just silly nonsense. The definition of a "couple" is a group consisting of two. In relationships, a couple or dyad is made up of two individuals.
The definition of poly is simply the desire to have or the act of having more than one loving relationship with the knowledge and consent of all partners. There is no poly rulebook that dictates there must be a group dynamic in order to be considered poly. There is no poly rulebook that dictates that there must be a couple branching out in order to be considered poly.
This makes no sense, either. The "whole" what? A relationship is not a separate entity from the people that are in it. Each individual has their own specific needs and desires, and takes responsibility for how they relate to others, ie., conduct their relationships. Everyone's autonomy, and freedom to choose whatever kind of relationship they want to be in, deserves respect. This applies to all relationship configurations, whether monogamous or polyamorous.
Again, what you've written here doesn't make sense. No one is "scapegoating" anyone just because there is some disagreement in this discussion. You seem to like family-style poly from a the viewpoint of a couple opening up their relationship and are very invested in that to the point that you feel there is no other way to have polyamorous arrangements.
You think "inclusive, all-in, together forever and for life with shared responsibilities" is the only true poly approach. That may be how you like to conduct your relationships and what you feel is needed to take a polyamorous approach to relationships -- but it is by no means a requirement for everyone else out there who desires having multiple relationships in their lives. And just because someone doesn't want what you want doesn't mean they're scared of it -- all it means is your flavor of poly isn't appealing to them, so they prefer to live polyamorously in a way that is true to themselves.
No. YOUR OPINION! Based on some strict and narrow judgments.
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Hi jess, welcome to the board.
Yes, it sounds like this couple is poly, polysexual at least, maybe polyamorous.
You could have determined which before actually shagging your new woman, but it's not too late. Just ask. Is she "allowed" to have emotions/love with her female partners, or is she supposed to somehow keep things casual and sex-only?
You do not need to meet her husband right now. If I were you, I'd focus on her for a while. Make sure you really get along! If you don't, meeting her husband would be superfluous.
And of course, since you are a lesbian, you won't want to have sex with her husband. You may be turned off too, by the idea of having him watch you and your new gf have sex. You are not their sex toy. You have your rights, your needs, your desires. You state them. If your gf is unable or unwilling to respect them and accomodate them, move on.
As far as jealousy, do you mean, your jealousy around her being with her guy, or perhaps her other female lovers (if she has any or is open to having more than one gf)? Or are you afraid her husband's (hypothetical) jealousy could hurt your r'ship potential with her? She has told you she's had female lovers all along and her h is OK with it. You can take her word for it. But if you have a niggling fear he really isn't OK you could ask to meet him, or at least text or email or call him.
There are many threads and links on our board around dealing with jealousy in a poly relationship. Do some searches.
Books to read
Opening Up
More Than Two
The Ethical Slut
websites
morethantwo
practical polyamory
AlaBi: I don't think even a "traditional" 2-person relationship is necessarily "together forever for life." If it were, the divorce rate in the US wouldn't be about 50%.
Someone else already corrected you on "couple", which by definition is TWO people.
I do agree with the "loving, nonjudgmental, open, honest" bits. I just don't agree that being those things requires living together, everyone in the relationship knowing each other, everyone being involved with each other.
And as for "being adult", everyone else in this thread has responded to you respectfully, presenting logical, valid reasons for their opinions, whereas you've resorted to stating things as "facts" when they aren't, and to trying to shout down everyone who disagrees with your opinions by saying they're "scared" and "attacking" you.
Jess, if you're even still following this thread after all of that... As I said earlier, there is no ONE TRUE WAY to poly. If you are in a loving relationship with your girlfriend, and she's also in a loving relationship with her husband, it's very likely to be polyamory. However, if you want clarification on that, or on anything else about their relationship, or her relationship with you, I would advise sitting down with your girlfriend and presenting your questions and concerns. Those of us here on this board can only speculate; she's the only one who can give you true answers.
Someone else already corrected you on "couple", which by definition is TWO people.
I do agree with the "loving, nonjudgmental, open, honest" bits. I just don't agree that being those things requires living together, everyone in the relationship knowing each other, everyone being involved with each other.
And as for "being adult", everyone else in this thread has responded to you respectfully, presenting logical, valid reasons for their opinions, whereas you've resorted to stating things as "facts" when they aren't, and to trying to shout down everyone who disagrees with your opinions by saying they're "scared" and "attacking" you.
Jess, if you're even still following this thread after all of that... As I said earlier, there is no ONE TRUE WAY to poly. If you are in a loving relationship with your girlfriend, and she's also in a loving relationship with her husband, it's very likely to be polyamory. However, if you want clarification on that, or on anything else about their relationship, or her relationship with you, I would advise sitting down with your girlfriend and presenting your questions and concerns. Those of us here on this board can only speculate; she's the only one who can give you true answers.
Re (from aLABiMCpl):
Uh, I'm in a poly-fi V that acts very much like a traditional couple and has every intention of staying together for life. Why would I be participating in such a thing if it scared me?
Unless you mean Jess should be in a polycule that looks like the one I'm in? If so perhaps you have a point as long as (for the sake of argument) I agree with your definition of polyamory.
You don't mean that a V isn't really poly, do you? that it has to become a triad in order to become poly? cause if so, I have to say that's bizarre. I know of more V's in poly than I could ever count. What am I supposed to do if all three people in my own V are heterosexual?
So again, I stand by my original statement to Jess: "Sounds poly to me."
Uh, I'm in a poly-fi V that acts very much like a traditional couple and has every intention of staying together for life. Why would I be participating in such a thing if it scared me?
Unless you mean Jess should be in a polycule that looks like the one I'm in? If so perhaps you have a point as long as (for the sake of argument) I agree with your definition of polyamory.
You don't mean that a V isn't really poly, do you? that it has to become a triad in order to become poly? cause if so, I have to say that's bizarre. I know of more V's in poly than I could ever count. What am I supposed to do if all three people in my own V are heterosexual?
So again, I stand by my original statement to Jess: "Sounds poly to me."
Hi Jess,
Not all married women will expect you to have threesomes or let their man watch. I certainly would never ask a woman I liked to do that.
I've been the married woman trying to date a woman (and men) outside of my marriage to a man. My husband never wanted to meet my lovers or ever have to encounter them. I agreed to this, but it felt to me like a detriment to the depth of the relationship I could have outside the marriage.
If my husband won't meet my lover, and I have a birthday party, does that mean I can only invite one? If I'm in the hospital, they can't both visit me?
I say there's no need for you to meet hubby in the early stages of the relationship. It's only been a week you say. Several months down the road, if things seem serious and you'd like to start thinking long term, you might want to learn to tolerate her husband. Not romantically, not sexually, not even best friends, but the ability to be polite to each other in the same room. He's her family, he's not going anywhere.
Not all married women will expect you to have threesomes or let their man watch. I certainly would never ask a woman I liked to do that.
I've been the married woman trying to date a woman (and men) outside of my marriage to a man. My husband never wanted to meet my lovers or ever have to encounter them. I agreed to this, but it felt to me like a detriment to the depth of the relationship I could have outside the marriage.
If my husband won't meet my lover, and I have a birthday party, does that mean I can only invite one? If I'm in the hospital, they can't both visit me?
I say there's no need for you to meet hubby in the early stages of the relationship. It's only been a week you say. Several months down the road, if things seem serious and you'd like to start thinking long term, you might want to learn to tolerate her husband. Not romantically, not sexually, not even best friends, but the ability to be polite to each other in the same room. He's her family, he's not going anywhere.
aLABiMCpl
New member
Poly is not about Sex: Swinging is.... face it
Glad to see someone else knows what being Poly really is.